to not expect 7 year old to share on this occasion

[Dontwanttooutmyself]

DS 7 got a “new” iPad as his main Christmas present- its ancient and barely runs, but it was his favourite present. His Saturday morning treat is free screen time and some days he likes to watch you tubers playing minecraft and try out the things he’s learnt.

This morning he was watching YouTube and holding (but not using) his iPad.

DH came in and asked to use DS’s iPad. DS said no. DH got in a mood and told DS off for not sharing. DH thinks DS is being a selfish and needs to learn a lesson about sharing. I think DH is being a massive fucking bellend. DS can be quite challenging- no SEN but struggles with emotions, especially at the moment. He’s generally pretty good at sharing and turn taking with his DS and us, but I would not expect a 7 year old to give up his best present without any notice at this point in the day just so I could read the paper. AIBU

VOTE YABU- DS should share and DH is right
YANBU - DH is a massive fucking bellend

The scenarios that @ithinkyouareveryrude has put forward are spot on. I suspect the third one is more akin to what happened. It sounds like your son had the iPad (during his allotted time of use) poised ready to try out what he was watching and his dad muscled in trying to comandeer it for a significant length of time.

Ugh. My parents were like this. Anything they bought us they still considered theirs. They would use, lend, give away and sell our things as they chose. It was as if we had no autonomy because we were only children. I also got the feeling that they resented spending money on us if we didn't reward them with constant gratitude. It's very damaging. I grew up extremely possessive of my stuff and have had to gradually train myself to be more relaxed.

He was using it. My 8y got a laptop for Christmas and often watches instructional youtube videos to help him in what he's doing on the laptop, which he streams to the tv from his laptop. Sometimes it's 'worthy' learning stuff like Hour of Code or Scratch. Other times he's just playing Roblox or Minecraft. They are all equally important to him. But it does mean that at times he's just sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap watching the tv, waiting to learn what he wants to learn. Then he pauses the video and does his thing on the laptop.

I wouldn't ask him to use his laptop for an indefinite period of time if he was doing that. However if I asked him to check something quickly, he'd readily let me. The reason I believe that he'd readily let me is because I respect his time and feelings as if he was any other human person in the world. (Obviously as the parent I have to create limits and boundaries for him but I consider his feelings when I do.) It means we view each other with mutual respect which makes sharing an easy thing for him to agree to.

If you imagine your son as an adult who was holding his IPad, would you expect your DH to ask him for it and berate him if he didn't give it up? Children shouldn't have to share if they don't want to just as adults don't. IMO the parenting here is to explain why they should consider sharing, not to force them to just because an adults wishes take precident.

I do get why people say this and think there's some truth in it (certainly about forcing them to), but surely the counter argument to this train of thought is that children in most instances won't want to share, and they need ample encouragement to do so for it to become a natural part of their life? Most adults have grown out of being highly defensive of their things, children still need to be taught.

Your ds is only 7.
If you want him to share appropriately then just model that behaviour.
Eg. Make food together and share it out, take turns using something and praise him when he does share.
But your ds also needs boundaries that respect him too. Saying people won’t like him if he doesn’t share is only true to a certain extent.
You wouldn’t want him to be coerced into giving his lunch away each day because otherwise his friends wouldn’t like him.
If he has been given an allotted time to use his iPad your dh should respect that.
Sharing only works if it’s reciprocal and no advantage is taken of good nature.

@mumnowformerrockstar

I think yabu. Your ds needs to share to get along with people in life, especially as he gets older. He won't have friends if he is not nice to people. You mention he has emotional issues, he needs to address these with the support of his parents.

Bullshit. Having boundaries and following then doesn't mean you aren't nice or that you won't have any friends as a grownup up.

When is the last time you lend something to a friend while you were still using it /needing it?

@aSofaNearYou

If you imagine your son as an adult who was holding his IPad, would you expect your DH to ask him for it and berate him if he didn't give it up? Children shouldn't have to share if they don't want to just as adults don't. IMO the parenting here is to explain why they should consider sharing, not to force them to just because an adults wishes take precident.

I do get why people say this and think there's some truth in it (certainly about forcing them to), but surely the counter argument to this train of thought is that children in most instances won't want to share, and they need ample encouragement to do so for it to become a natural part of their life? Most adults have grown out of being highly defensive of their things, children still need to be taught.

Actually most children (especially at 7) are fairly willing to share unless that goes against rules set by others,it's something particularly precious to them or inconvenient or there is some kind of background that makes them territorial over their stuff.

Young children of that age if not taught will more than likely not share. Not because they are selfish, just because it's human nature. This is why I have always taught my DC to share.

Yes, they need to learn it's okay to say no and they also need to learn boundaries but this comes later. First of all, at that age they need to learn that it's kind to share, and as they get older this can be fine tuned into 'actually it's completely fine to sometimes say no' or 'in XYZ situation it's fine not to share'.

My children are always spoke to with respect and explained to. I would never just take something and use it as my own. Even if my DC aren't using something I always ask permission, but I expect them to share in a situation such as you described in the OP. If DC had of said no, I would have explained, said they can have extra time this afternoon and taken it. Equally I wouldn't have given an iPad to a child as a present when clearly it's needed by the family as a whole- as I think that's just asking for arguments.

Ultimately DC should have shared and DH shouldn't be arguing with a young child and demanding.

Your husband is pathetic
You know that anyway

If DC had of said no, I would have explained, said they can have extra time this afternoon and taken it.

So what you're teaching them is that their "no" doesn't matter as long as you're bigger,in charge and you can just "take" what you want. Great!

Not even getting into the whole "kids must be a certain age before being allowed to say no".

If you ask you are giving the other person the choice - just cos DH didn't like the choice doesn't give him the right to be arsey. If he has the right to say no to DS then DS has the right to say no back and BE RESPECTED

@AccidentallyOnPurpose
If they had of said no then I would have explained why they need to share and ultimately taken it. As adults we are in charge and have to teach our children this. I actively ask my children's opinions, I consider there thoughts and feelings but ultimately, yes I'm in charge, especially at 6. Sometimes I will agree with them, other times I will not- that's my discretion as a parent. What about if you ask your child to not do something dangerous and they say 'no'?!! I don't want to raise selfish kids, I don't want to raise children who are entitled. I want children who learn to be kind, well rounded and have boundaries. It takes time, understanding comes with age, as does learning the nuances of yes and no.

It is good for kids to share, but if that’s his time it’s an odd time to ask.

However OP there does seem something weird about all this. Whether your husband is being unreasonable or not, he is the parent , so I’d have expected your son to hand it over - why didn’t he? Why hasn’t your DP got access to a screen of his own? And why are you calling him a names over a minor incident? Thanks

Actually most children (especially at 7) are fairly willing to share unless that goes against rules set by others,it's something particularly precious to them or inconvenient or there is some kind of background that makes them territorial over their stuff.

That is not in line with my experience at all.

Would he have handed it over to you if you had asked? I would never have said no to either of my parents at that age (or any age tbh) Maybe I'm just old.

[quote booboomoo]@AccidentallyOnPurpose
If they had of said no then I would have explained why they need to share and ultimately taken it. As adults we are in charge and have to teach our children this. I actively ask my children's opinions, I consider there thoughts and feelings but ultimately, yes I'm in charge, especially at 6. Sometimes I will agree with them, other times I will not- that's my discretion as a parent. What about if you ask your child to not do something dangerous and they say 'no'?!! I don't want to raise selfish kids, I don't want to raise children who are entitled. I want children who learn to be kind, well rounded and have boundaries. It takes time, understanding comes with age, as does learning the nuances of yes and no.[/quote]
Can I have your car then? You're not driving it and I really need it and I promise I'll bring it back in half an hour.

No one touches my iPad. It's like my personal diary. DS shouldn't have to share his, especially as it's his Saturday treat and he wants to flip between YouTube and IPad.

Your DH is a massive fucking bellend.

I agree sharing is good but not always and not everything.

Sharing is a choice. Your son chose not to share, that is his choice. He shouldn't be berated for it. A child shouldn't be expected to share everything just because they're a child. You wouldn't expect and adult to share everything all the time, so why a child.

As long as the child understand the concept of sharing and that its often good to share, I don't see the problem with not always sharing.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose
You are not my child or my responsibility so obviously not

However, if you were my adult DC who was capable of driving then maybe?!

However, this was about a year old and a parent with an iPad

Your reply doesn't really make any sense

So... the lesson your DH, and some posters here, want your DS to learn is that nothing that is his is ever actually his. Anything can be asked for and used by anyone else, or even just his dad.

As a kid many of my possessions were very much available to all and sundry, regardless of my opinion. I am tapping 60 now and still resent that feeling of helplessness as my toys were enjoyed by others without my being able to object.

Sometimes sharing actually means giving something up. Why any parent would do that for their own convenience is beyond me!

Your DH was the one being self centered. He shouldn't have asked.

*Bullshit. Having boundaries and following then doesn't mean you aren't nice or that you won't have any friends as a grownup up.

When is the last time you lend something to a friend while you were still using it /needing it?*

'Needing' is very different to 'using'. Especially when it comes to leisure activities, which can be unlimited in how long they go on for.

I can be watching the TV for three hours. DH comes along and asks for a change of channel. I'm still watching something, but I don't need to be, so I'm happy to switch over.

That's very different to reading a book, for instance - a finite activity with an end-point.

@honeylulu

The scenarios that *@ithinkyouareveryrude* has put forward are spot on. I suspect the third one is more akin to what happened. It sounds like your son had the iPad (during his allotted time of use) poised ready to try out what he was watching and his dad muscled in trying to comandeer it for a significant length of time.

Ugh. My parents were like this. Anything they bought us they still considered theirs. They would use, lend, give away and sell our things as they chose. It was as if we had no autonomy because we were only children. I also got the feeling that they resented spending money on us if we didn't reward them with constant gratitude. It's very damaging. I grew up extremely possessive of my stuff and have had to gradually train myself to be more relaxed.

This struck a chord with me. I was made to 'share' things as a child and I have some hangovers from this, particularly about food. My father used to stick his fork in anything on my plate he fancied. As a result, I can't do tapas or sharing platters.

We don't make DD share as much as a chip with out asking first and being fine with a "no". As a result, she shares very freely. Offers in fact.

It's his iPad, his dad can ask nicely, explain, and model how we behave. "DS I'd like to look at the paper for five minutes. Can I use your iPad if you're not using it?" And DS gets to say "no". My suspicion is that it's actually DH testing DS's compliance and setting him up, given the week you've had.

Simple question, would you like your son to lend things to his family members if he's not using them? Would you like to encourage a better relationship between ds and dh? Start modelling kind behavior and sharing in your house. It will make you all nicer people.

@MissyB1

Simple question, would you like your son to lend things to his family members if he's not using them? Would you like to encourage a better relationship between ds and dh? Start modelling kind behavior and sharing in your house. It will make you all nicer people.

But he was using the ipad.

This reminds me of the thread about a woman’s husband taking a special ‘rainbow wotsit’ from his child’s plate: child becomes inconsolable with years, mum rushes out, calls dad naughty and demands he apologise, dad refuses, huge argument ensues.

I suspect in these threads it’s always a combinations of over-territorial mums, constantly hovering over their precious DCs and thinking they have exclusive parenting privileges,and dads exercising some Victorian ideal of ‘do as you’re told’ / ‘suck it up’ parenting methods. Both methods are probably a negative reinforcement of each another.

With tears*