to not expect 7 year old to share on this occasion

[Dontwanttooutmyself]

DS 7 got a “new” iPad as his main Christmas present- its ancient and barely runs, but it was his favourite present. His Saturday morning treat is free screen time and some days he likes to watch you tubers playing minecraft and try out the things he’s learnt.

This morning he was watching YouTube and holding (but not using) his iPad.

DH came in and asked to use DS’s iPad. DS said no. DH got in a mood and told DS off for not sharing. DH thinks DS is being a selfish and needs to learn a lesson about sharing. I think DH is being a massive fucking bellend. DS can be quite challenging- no SEN but struggles with emotions, especially at the moment. He’s generally pretty good at sharing and turn taking with his DS and us, but I would not expect a 7 year old to give up his best present without any notice at this point in the day just so I could read the paper. AIBU

VOTE YABU- DS should share and DH is right
YANBU - DH is a massive fucking bellend

Interesting mix of views here, thanks. To clarify, DS was watching YouTube on the TV and not on his iPad. But about 5 mins later he started using the iPad to copy the stuff he’s seen on the video.

DH doesn’t have his own iPad - we have one which DD was using. DH has a phone, but chooses to spend his “discretionary” money on other stuff.

Me calling him a massive fucking bellend (on here only) is partly because that’s how a lot MN speak when they’re frustrated with their DHs, but also does reflect my frustration that DH and DS have spent all bloody week fighting. I am v defensive of DS so sometimes need to check whether I am BU or whether DH is, but given the different views on here, it looks to me like it’s a just DH and I showing a difference in parenting styles.

Well your last post clarifies the situation better. In this case there was no reason your DS couldn’t have let your DH use the iPad for a few minutes. Just a ok but I need to use it in 5 minutes to copy this video would have sufficed.

We’re not precious about stuff in this house. Pretty much everything is automatically shared. We’ve never enforced sharing it’s just how things have ended up but in this situation I’d have asked DS to share since he’s not using it and said he could have it back when he did want to use it. But the DC also don’t have any of their own electronics, everything’s the family’s to avoid this issue and so I can control electronic time more.

How did your DH ask? I think that is very important.

What did he want it for? To quickly check/look at something or to leisurely read the news/watch a movie etc which would guarantee your DS's screen time would be diminished?

How is he normally when he borrows the ipad(if he does)? Does he give it back right away if DS needs it or asks for it back?

YANBU. As a middle aged woman if I'm holding my brand new phone and someone says can I borrow it and I say no, that's my choice. You asked, I said no, move on.

Why has your husband spent all week arguing with a 7 year old? Well done you for sticking up for your son.

DH wanted it to read the paper so not a quick check. He’s not asked to borrow/use it before. I wasn’t in the room so didn’t hear how he asked, but DS and DH have a fractious relationship anyway.

I do think it’s important that we share things, but I also think there is a time and place where it’s ok to not want to share. I guess I’m just at the end of my tether about DH.

Sounds like this is one symptom of their deeper relationship.

Why don't they get on? Who is at fault? Is your h a good parent?

Does he generally have a controlling, authoritarian style of parenting? Would he do something about that?

@MissMarpleDarling

Why has your husband spent all week arguing with a 7 year old? Well done you for sticking up for your son.

Good question- something I struggle with as I don’t know what is going wrong between them. I can’t decide if my DS is being badly behaved (which is what DH always thinks) or if DH has too high expectations of what a 7yo should act like.

@Thelnebriati

Does he generally have a controlling, authoritarian style of parenting? Would he do something about that?

Yes. He speaks and expects an immediate reaction. That doesn’t work with my DS at all with any adults. (Not sure how they manage at school but the teachers say he is well behaved)

Yes perhaps your son should have “shared” on this occasion. But if it was gifted as HIS present and your DH is going to keep wanting to use/borrow it...you’ve set up a bit of a problem there.

There are bigger issues here.

It seem your ds WAS using the ipad as he was watching instructions on something he would then go on to do on the ipad. If im doing a crossword and put then pen down while i think about the next clue im still using the pen. If someone asked to borrow the pen to sign something, fine. If they wanted to borrow it to write a letter, not fine as i am using it. Your dh wanted the ipad for possibly an hour, not a minute, so dc WAS using it.

Also, you said he seems hard on your ds which leads me to highlight this point. You have a family ipad to share. He asked for ds’s OWN ipad, rather the dd for the family one. Both were using the iPads, albeit in different ways. Does he often favour dd?
.

It’s not really “sharing” - it’s DH borrowing DS’s iPad.
If you want to share things like that then I think they really need to be seen as family things that anyone can use.
Given that it is his own iPad and it’s his main time to use it, maybe DH was BU. However, I’m not sure a 7 yr old needs his own iPad and maybe that’s part of the problem too.

@Dontwanttooutmyself

DH wanted it to read the paper so not a quick check. He’s not asked to borrow/use it before. I wasn’t in the room so didn’t hear how he asked, but DS and DH have a fractious relationship anyway.

I do think it’s important that we share things, but I also think there is a time and place where it’s ok to not want to share. I guess I’m just at the end of my tether about DH.

Fair enough for your son to say no then. He has limited time on your ipad, whereas you husband has a phone he can use at any time, can buy the actual paper or use the ipad the many hours DS is not allowed on it

WTF? DH was being a right twat especially getting in a mood over something a 7-year-old did. All PPs saying DS wasn't using it, actually he was, he was holding it. Just because he's not using it in the culturally accepted way of using it (through adult eyes) doesn't mean he isn't using it. At that moment he was probably just enjoying having it.
Is your DH always so entitled?

DS please may I borrow your iPad for ten minutes if you're not using it? I'll give you the extra time this afternoon.
No. It's mine.
Your son is being unreasonable.

DS, please can I have the iPad if you're not using it?
It's my iPad time right now, I was about to use it. You can have it later.
Neither are unreasonable.

DS give me the iPad I need it.
But I was about to use it when the video is over.
I don't care you need to share.
Your husband is being unreasonable.

There needs to be a bit more background. How long did he want to borrow it for? To want it indefinitely given his time allowance being exclusively on a Saturday would instantly make him cagey about sharing.

Perhaps suggest to DH if he worded his expectations of your son better then he may be more receptive to sharing and to not ask in the middle of DS' time.

@Shoppingwithmother

It’s not really “sharing” - it’s DH borrowing DS’s iPad. If you want to share things like that then I think they really need to be seen as family things that anyone can use. Given that it is his own iPad and it’s his main time to use it, maybe DH was BU. However, I’m not sure a 7 yr old needs his own iPad and maybe that’s part of the problem too.

I can think of a few reasons why a 7 yo might need an ipad,particularly at the moment.

I think this sort of thing is what teaches kids not to have boundaries in adult life. Kids need to know they can say "no" in reasonable circs without adults riding roughshod over them. Poor DS probably knew that as soon as DH got his hands on the iPad he wouldn't see it again for ages.

Your Dh needs to get his own iPad. Trying to take his ds’s during his allotted screen time usage is shit and unfair.

Aah. The Victorian father approach.
Yes your dh is a bellend who belongs in the 1850’s with David Copperfield’s stepfather.

I think yabu.
Your ds needs to share to get along with people in life, especially as he gets older. He won't have friends if he is not nice to people. You mention he has emotional issues, he needs to address these with the support of his parents.

Dontwanttooutmyself
Making unfair demands as a test of compliance is an indicator that a relationship is moving from authoritarian to abusive.

There are ways to change your parenting style to adapt to the child, but he'd have to be willing to learn new skills and use them.
There's some good info online you can use as a starting point;

''If a child’s only experience with rules is how to obey them or disobey them, as adults they will lack the ability to read nuances and deal with ambiguity. Children in this situation might lack initiative and self-esteem as adults, too.''
stjohnskids.com/blog/parenting-styles/

''These parents never provide any explanation for their behavior or do not intend on getting any feedback from the children about how they are coping with the parenting set up. These types of parents have high demands from the children while having a very low responsibility towards them.''
themindsjournal.com/signs-controlling-parenting/

If you imagine your son as an adult who was holding his IPad, would you expect your DH to ask him for it and berate him if he didn't give it up?

Children shouldn't have to share if they don't want to just as adults don't. IMO the parenting here is to explain why they should consider sharing, not to force them to just because an adults wishes take precident.

@mumnowformerrockstar

I think yabu. Your ds needs to share to get along with people in life, especially as he gets older. He won't have friends if he is not nice to people. You mention he has emotional issues, he needs to address these with the support of his parents.

This is my big worry. How do I address this/ help him? I’m trying very hard to help him but have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.