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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 16/01/2021 21:42

@dontdisturbmenow

16 years ago, childcare was more affordable. You could also claim up to 70% of costs up to quite a high level of uncome.

PegasusReturns · 16/01/2021 21:45

@dontdisturbmenow

16 years ago, childcare was more affordable. You could also claim up to 70% of costs up to quite a high level of uncome

I dont think childcare is significantly more expensive now. 15 years ago I was paying £2400 for 2 DC 3.5 days per week. It’s not that much more now.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 21:56

@PegasusReturns well apparently it was and we all got 70% towards it. Yet not what i was told I would get when I enquired, hence why I opted to stay at home a couple years as it didn't leave us much worse off ( career wise maybe be , but that also depends what you are doing

Graphista · 16/01/2021 22:39

Your kids will get all of that wealth further down the line anyway

Not necessarily especially depending where op is. Assuming in Uk if they're in England there's no guarantee kids will inherit

Some' financial arrangements? I hope they are real, solid ones.

They can't be if they're not married, he can unilaterally undo them any time he likes without even mentioning to op

Op you're (and by extension the dc) basically stuffed financially not only if you split but if he becomes incapacitated or dies too.

On these threads I usually post the cautionary tale of my relative who was in your position and he died very unexpectedly and she had to quickly find a job and they all had to leave the family home as it went to his parents and they had no problem expecting their "dil" and even grandchildren to move out ASAP.

Incapacity is far worse, it's extremely expensive to care for a severely disabled person and the state provides little support.

If it were merely a split he can literally turf you out with no notice, no money, and nowhere to go. He can make you and the dc homeless - and don't reply "He'd never do that" the relationships board and real life are LITTERED with women who've had this happen to them.

You really need to make plans for yourself and dc ASAP, getting a job needs to be a priority.

I HOPE at the very least child benefit is being claimed and your NI Stamp covered for future state pension provision?

yes I do receive CB in my name very small relief there!

In real terms he has absolutely no responsibility to you or the dc whatsoever!

Even cm is notoriously difficult to claim/pursue

He has a will, I would inherit the house

which he can change at any time in any way without your knowledge. He could change it to leave it all to a cat charity and you'd not know until he was dead. In addition his (legally recognised) family could make a claim on his assets after his death too.

If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension
That’s all in order

again something he can change without your knowledge

I have savings ( not much but enough to rent somewhere for a few months whilst looking for a job)

Wow! You're really out of the loop!

There's MASSIVE unemployment at the moment, over 1mn redundancies purely due to covid and there was high unemployment before that anyway.

I have several friends/family have been made redundant this past year - these are people with professional qualifications, recent experience and recent good references and none of the obstacles you'd have as a single mother to obtain work (I raised dd as a single mum so it's not prejudice it's working knowledge, I also hold 2 degrees and have excellent refs)

The LEAST amount of time it's taken them to find a new job is 7 months, some are still looking.

My ex is one of them, he's ex army, has a good cv, excellent childcare already in place (not that an employer would care or even ask him) willing and able to commute pretty long distances by car or train, it still took him almost 8 months to get a new job and that was via an army contact!

Have you even looked at the vacancies for the type of work you could do? Most job sites now show a "counter" of how many applicants per position, when my student daughter was job seeking for a part time retail job to fit around her studies (and she has no dependents/commitments other than study) there were almost 1000 applicants per vacancy and that's only those who have applied via that site, you also need to add in the applicants applying to the same job advertised in other places - other sites/apps, newspaper ads etc plus any staff already in the company applying for more hours or different post etc

It will take more than "a few months"

Use brain before heart, every single time.

Absolutely

Getting a job ASAP has to be your priority.

Yes you could manage on benefits many do but it's far from easy - again I've done it.

You need to do all you can to ensure your own security and that does not include making assumptions or relying on the things currently in place that are frankly at the whim of his choices? Eg will

You need your own money your own income. Never rely on a man to whom you have no legal connection.

bourbonne · 16/01/2021 23:00

I don't think it's true that his "legally recognised" family (presumably this would be parents, siblings etc) would be able to make a claim on his estate if he had left it to the OP and kids (or indeed to a cat charity) - not unless one of them was a dependent of his.

However, inheritance tax would be a more realistic worry. This is waived for spouses only. If the estate is liable for inheritance tax then the OP may have to sell up.

I also wonder whether he might be tempted to change his will in favour of the kids once they are of age. Even a man who feels little obligation towards the mother of his children might feel a bit more of a responsibility to the children themselves - especially since the house has to be left to someone. He might think that leaving it to the OP is a risk as she could marry and predecease someone else, thereby potentially cutting the kids out. Plus a lot of it comes from inheritance, so he might feel it should be kept in the bloodline.

tobedtoMNandfart · 16/01/2021 23:18

@MaskingForIt
You are now criticising another PPs vocab, when it made perfect sense in the context. Does your pedantry know no bounds??
I hope you're proud of yourself today.

I'm not even starting on your misogynistic comments, I'll leave that to someone else.

tobedtoMNandfart · 16/01/2021 23:21

No fuck it I'll bite.

Your comment is ... Men bank roll women to have 'an expensive and all consuming hobby'.

... on a parenting forum??

lioncitygirl · 16/01/2021 23:36

Yikes - you’ve Left if quite late to want this - if he is reasonable perhaps sit and discuss with him how important this is to you?

DrCoconut · 17/01/2021 03:39

Regarding next of kin. I was at hospital yesterday and asked who is my next of kin in the unlikely event it was needed. So I could say who I wanted. Technically I'm married but we are separated and in the process of divorce so I chose someone else as NOK.

Graphista · 17/01/2021 06:04

Inheritance tends to go along clearly legally defined lines so yes if op is unmarried then his parents etc can absolutely make a claim for it indeed I've personally witnessed such a situation which I outlined in that same post @bourbonne

In addition for the op to challenge the inheritance would require her to have the finances to do so - no legal aid for these things. This is why my relative was stuffed, she potentially had a case but couldn't afford to go to court.

Regarding nok it's not a legally defined description no BUT in the event of a dispute those who don't know the person for whom nok should be ascertained but who also have to make decisions on such matters eg medical professionals, to cover their own arses legally they will tend to follow lines of legally clearly defined relationships - again I've witnessed such decisions being made. Hospitals have lawyers and in such circumstances they also err on the side of caution, and will tend to make decisions that are reversible too if a court/judge later decides against them. Easier to reverse the decision NOT to remove someone from life support and keep them alive with the potential that a court will over rule this than remove life support and face a potentially multi-million unlawful death via medical negligence case. It all comes down to money.

bourbonne · 17/01/2021 08:00

@Graphista she said he's left it to her in his will. It sounds like you're thinking of the rules of intestacy?

CakeRequired · 17/01/2021 10:11

Can't you all tell from @MaskingForIts name that they are wanting to rile you all up? Hmm It's pretty obvious. Just ignore them and yeah they'll keep spouting out crap because they are bored and lonely, but just ignore them. Very simple.

Give the op advice, stop rising to the other nonsense.

ElspethFlashman · 17/01/2021 10:15

@DrCoconut

Regarding next of kin. I was at hospital yesterday and asked who is my next of kin in the unlikely event it was needed. So I could say who I wanted. Technically I'm married but we are separated and in the process of divorce so I chose someone else as NOK.
Yes, I have to ask this question in my job in the hospital and people regularly answer "my partner".

I always wonder if the patient knows that 'Next of Kin’ simply means someone who you would like contacted in an emergency. Being a ‘Next of Kin’ provides no legal standing whatsoever.

ElspethFlashman · 17/01/2021 10:19

So you can go into hospital and tell the staff that your NOK is your partner. And they will share information with your consent, with that partner.

However that does NOT mean that the partner can sign anything or make any critical decisions about your care if you become unconscious. You may have to go to court to get yourself that right and it may be refused if there are other relatives of the patient.

People really need to know this.

wizzbangfizz · 17/01/2021 10:59

I'm amazed when I read threads like this, whose last name do the children have?

MaskingForIt · 17/01/2021 11:19

@wizzbangfizz

I'm amazed when I read threads like this, whose last name do the children have?
She’s already said that one of the reasons she wants to get married is because she “wants to have the same name as her children”, so I think we can assume she gave them his name.
tobedtoMNandfart · 17/01/2021 11:25

@CakeRequired

Can't you all tell from *@MaskingForIts* name that they are wanting to rile you all up? Hmm It's pretty obvious. Just ignore them and yeah they'll keep spouting out crap because they are bored and lonely, but just ignore them. Very simple.

Give the op advice, stop rising to the other nonsense.

Good point.
Respectabitch · 17/01/2021 11:28

What really drives me batshit in these threads is that so many women have retained complete passivity as to marriage and relationships, which is a bad combination with the increased flexibility and transience of relationships. I really headdesk when a post like this is accompanied by "but I'm traditional, so I can't possibly ask him to marry me/tell him I want to get married/tell him we need to set a date". Somehow we've now got a horrible clash of "you can have and raise children in whatever arrangement you like" and "a woman waits for a man to initiate things".

I never thought I'd say it but I'm grateful for the conservatism that my parents instilled in me around personal relationships. I didn't at all agree with their religious ideas about living together and children only being acceptable in marriage, but I did take away that marriage was the soundest foundation for shared finances and shared children. I didn't even learn many of the legal implications with respect to pensions, property and inheritance until I joined Mumsnet. However, I was clear as a young adult that I only wanted to move in with someone on the basis we both ultimately wanted marriage, and if living together worked then our intention was to get engaged and then set a date.

We need something different. At least massively less passivity from women around these things, because that passivity will almost always drift them deeper into disadvantage and dependence.

littlebillie · 17/01/2021 12:46

I would advise anyone who is planning make a major decision with a partner for example to buy property or have children, to get married.

Bring unsentimental and completed unromantic about this, is to think of it as a purely financial contract which protects both parties and future children.

It's not old fashioned to get married it is forward financial planning. If someone isn't willing to marry and make that commitment why would they do so if a child is involved.

I'm am very sorry for the Op and wish her well

Porcupineintherough · 17/01/2021 14:19

@Respectabitch well said.

MsTSwift · 17/01/2021 14:40

Absolutely agree Respect. What makes me 🙄 is that invariably the children have the mans name! So he gets to pick and choose the bits of “tradition” he likes (his name for the family leaving poor old mum the odd one out) but not those he doesn’t (marriage so on a split assets fairly divided). Fuck that!

A friend had rather grand conservative parents and she said she could never live with a man without being married or they would disapprove. How we laughed and eye rolled. Now I think their family had it right tbh.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 17/01/2021 14:57

Yes that’s a common theme the children get man name as the family name. It’s traditional and proper,innit
Meanwhile he’s choosing to not marry and have children which is not a traditional behaviour
But in these scenarios men have the power women give them. If woman want to have same name as your children either give them the female surname, or double barrel.

Women need to stop passively hoping,waiting that men will marry them. If you want to be married propose to him, his response that’ll tell you how serious he is. If he umm and ahhh and dithers he’s kicking the can down the road and stringing woman along

insideoutsider · 17/01/2021 16:01

Do not leave.

Get a job, let him contribute to childcare.

Save. Save. Save.

MaskingForIt · 17/01/2021 16:03

Yes that’s a common theme the children get man name as the family name. It’s traditional and proper,innit

The odd thing is, it has only become “traditional” since women have been more voluntarily having children out of wedlock.

In the olden day’s a child would always be given its mother’s name, whether that was the mother’s maiden name or her married name.

In our quest for “independence” and wanting to be cool and have children without marriage, we’ve given up an awful lot of our rights.

Brefugee · 17/01/2021 16:15

When girls are taught sex education, they should also be taught never to have children until they are married.

no - what sex education should teach is that if you get landed with a baby and you're not married you are in a very precarious position. What schools should teach is that nobody should ever leave themselves financially reliant on anyone else. It's batshit.

Some countries have very strict inheritance rules where you can't just leave your children or spouse out of your will without very good reason and hoop jumping. This protects, especially, children of first marriages.

I'm also with Respect - what's with the waiting for a proposal? If he's not asking, why not ask him? (which, i guess, in this case OP has done and it didn't end well)

How are you today, OP?