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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 20:17

@joystir59 do these even exist nowadays ? I genuinely don't know.

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 20:18

Yes they do.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 20:20

No I have not mentioned trolls whatsoever @donewithitalltodayandxmas

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 20:20

@VinylDetective what widows pension? For us that will retire in 25/30 years ? And does that work both ways? Would my husband get mine

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 20:22

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee ok who did then ? I see you mention about the are you are man , on glue mn cliche can't see who mentioned trolls ?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 20:23

Go back and look who said it?if you feel it substantiates yourself post @donewithitalltodayandxmas

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 20:29

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@VinylDetective what widows pension? For us that will retire in 25/30 years ? And does that work both ways? Would my husband get mine [/quote]
Yes and yes.

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 20:38

@WhateverJudy I think their argument hinges on an assumption that the men desperately wanted to have the children - so saying he couldn’t possibly have had his family without me. In some cases that’s true, many men very much want kids and actively pursue that, but in many cases it’s the woman pushing for a baby and the man is fairly nonplussed. That’s why a lot of men don’t really see the woman having given up her career etc as something she’s done or sacrificed for them. They see it as her having got the children she wanted and the time with them.

Aside from the dubious use of “nonplussed”, this poster has hit the nail on the head. For so many women, they just want babies and will compromise their economic future to have them. The woman has chosen to have an all-consuming and expensive hobby, and the man is bank-rolling that.

DoubleTweenQueen · 16/01/2021 20:42

I really hope the OP is not bothering to read past the first few pag s of this appalling thread.

Trickyboy · 16/01/2021 20:50

This is why the legal rights/lack of in romantic partnerships should be part of sex/relationship education at school. As a mandatory requirement.

I was lucky with my kids school. Did exactly this . (Over ten years ago)

The girls know that if a man has so little commitment not to want to marry them - there will be no babies.
Nothing to stop them deciding to have a child alone by donor if that's what they choose but will choose to be solely responsible without looking to a male for support.
No man is going to get the privilege of being daddy' without making that financial, emotional commitment to the mother of their child.

My son was equally taught that he is responsible for his own fertility. If he doesn't want children until HE is ready needs to make sure that the only person he trusts with that decision is himself.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 20:52

@MaskingForIt you have a low opinion of a lot of women then.
Do men rarely want children? As thats not what i find with most men.
Some don't , but then some women don't either.
Also some men stay home.
Looks like some of us work as partnerships and do what is best for our family circumstances at the time , which may not be of the benefit to us, also what is wrong if people have children and actually want to look after them themselves ? If that is what both partners agree then there is nothing wring with that.
Yet another MN put down on sahm .

WhateverJudy · 16/01/2021 20:55

[quote MaskingForIt]**@WhateverJudy* I think their argument hinges on an assumption that the men desperately wanted to have the children - so saying he couldn’t possibly have had his family without me. In some cases that’s true, many men very much want kids and actively pursue that, but in many cases it’s the woman pushing for a baby and the man is fairly nonplussed. That’s why a lot of men don’t really see the woman having given up her career etc as something she’s done or sacrificed for them. They see it as her having got the children she wanted and the time with them.*

Aside from the dubious use of “nonplussed”, this poster has hit the nail on the head. For so many women, they just want babies and will compromise their economic future to have them. The woman has chosen to have an all-consuming and expensive hobby, and the man is bank-rolling that.[/quote]
Well I’ve learnt something tonight-having Googled it turns out I’ve been using that word incorrectly my whole life. I thought it meant not that bothered. I stand corrected!

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 20:58

Nonplussed does informally mean unperturbed,not bothered

LilMidge01 · 16/01/2021 21:01

I think you are not unreasonable to want it (for your own financial protection as much as romance!)...but I think YABU the way you went about that conversation by the sounds of it.

you immediately made it an issue that HE doesn't respect you enough. The problem is him.

A better way would be to sit down and have a conversation along the lines of "I knwo you don't like talking about this and you don;'t see the point, but its become increasingly important to me for x, y, z reasons (whatever they may be, but I would suggest a balance of emotional and practical ones) I would really like for you to be able to see how important this has become for me"
If he gets really arsey after that, then yes, he is disrespecting you. But so far, it sounds like you maybe haven;t let him know how this makes you feel, just had a go at him and he doesn't understand why or how this became an issue. When people genuinely love each other and see their partner upset about something and understand that upset and how it is in their power to change that they are more likely to want to.

cherish123 · 16/01/2021 21:04

You need to get your own money.

DianaT1969 · 16/01/2021 21:12

Can you work or study OP? He isn't going to surprise you with a proposal, so you can assume you won't be getting married. When you are 55 and without a home on your name, not much pension and few savings, you are really going to wish you'd taken action earlier.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 21:16

@lilmidge01 I think your point is spot on and the way to go forward.

3rdNamechange · 16/01/2021 21:23

@RickiTarr

He’s just dumped her. So could everybody catch up and stop being insensitive?
No he hasn't? He's asked her 'is it all over'?
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 21:24

I don’t think it’s spot on at all. It relies on manners and premise that he’ll crumple when face with his disconsolate partner
He’s already said no (by text) when challenged today
A good talking to doesn’t sort all problems it does not always compel people to do the hoped for right thing

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 21:26

He’s already said no (by text) when challenged today

He hasn’t.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 21:26

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee the poster didn't say that at all you have read what you wanted.
Suggested sitting down and discussing and listening to each others reasons why , then agreeing on something , which may be to agree to disagree .

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 21:27

I’ve done a lot of crying already today. He sent me a message saying is it all over then between us as I told him I had enough
Op today 1539, that’s a pretty definite no to marriage

Giraffey1 · 16/01/2021 21:30

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
Register Office, I thought? Known commonly as registry Office.
Not sure where you've got registration from?

Pulled it out of her arse.

Actually, technically it is a register office, but why does it matter? It’s it the issues here. OP, I think I’d be wanting to get my name on the house deeds etc, talk to him about setting up some financial security for yourself. And the children.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 21:30

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee he asked is it all over ? But its all done by text , maybe the partner has other reasons for not wanting to marry that OP is unaware of , maybe he doesn't know why she wants it so much.
Still a face to face discussion could revel a lot more on either side and maybe even OP may change their mind when prevented with all the reasons, who knows .

Giraffey1 · 16/01/2021 21:32

Sorry, my internet connection has only just woken up and posted my comment. I see things have moved on.