Pissed off at DP lying on sofa

[CrotchBurn]

So he has been lounging on the sofa pretty much all day every day. On loop.

It just pisses me off how he cant SIT on the sofa, he has to lie on it. It's really starting to grate on me. Yesterday I come in from work, there's a film starting. Great. I go to sit in what I consider a normal relaxing sofa position, sitting with legs tucked under me and pushed out a bit, kind of slouching - a bit more spread out than more "active" sitting. He comes back from opening us beers and yep, you guessed it, heads straight to lie down on the sofa, which means his legs are kind of almost across mine, penning me in.

It just feels fucking claustrophobic and like - give me some space. It's just annoying me that he needs to lie on the sofa ALL THE TIME. Can you not just sit on it? Slump on it? Does it always have to be LYING on it? If you're so tired you cant hold your body up a bit more, maybe go to bed?

Okay, the idea itself annoys me. But it also annoys me that his legs are pressing into me like that. It just wouldnt occur to me to do it - basically encroaching on someone else's personal space. That's how it feels to me. I know I'm just ranting now.

I was so angry yesterday I actually had to get up for a while because I thought I would lose my rag. And deep down inside me I know I'm being unreasonable and it's due to covid and lots of time together stuck indoors.

But out of curiosity: do you/DP lie or sit/slump on couch?

Yep mine does exactly the same. I find it really annoying too. He’s also quite heavy (not fat just kind of a large man) and when his legs go on mine it feels so heavy and trapping. I normally move and sit on the floor or the other sofa! After he’s been working all day it feels a bit mean to say he can’t lie on his own sofa... but I get you, it’s irritating

Based on your update @CrotchBurn I think you need to consider if this man is for you.

You have a lot of criticism of him and sound unhappy.

Not sure how old you both are- something makes me think you are both young (20s?) - and I can't see this lasting another 50 years if you are feeling unloved now, and he's lazy, he's choosing not to work (furlough? self employed?) when he could.

Don't stick with something out of fear of change.

Thanks for expanding in that update OP.

It does sound like he's got complacent. I think this is normal at this stage of the relationship - I think in most couples the can't-keep-hands-off-each-other stage wanes a bit after a few years. It sounds like he doesn't understand how important touch and tactility is to you. I know you talked to him but it might require another conversation. It's a reasonable conversation to have and doesn't need to be a Big Deal. Don't bottle it up and then explode! Frame it as a request for something you need, not a failing on his part.

"Can you cook dinner tonight/on X days this week" is also a reasonable request! Maybe plan who'll do dinner on which day in advance?

Don't bring up being out of work to guilt him. Being out of work takes a weird toll on your mentality - when I went through this I felt like, even though I had nothing to do, I couldn't do anything with all that time, because I was anxious and stressed and felt like shit because of it. When I have a lot of work to do it actually energises me to be get-up-and-go about everything else in my life.

DP likes to stretch his legs out while watching tv. He bought a nice footstool to accommodate this so we can both still share the sofa. Is this an option?

Don't bring up being out of work to guilt him. Being out of work takes a weird toll on your mentality - when I went through this I felt like, even though I had nothing to do, I couldn't do anything with all that time, because I was anxious and stressed and felt like shit because of it. When I have a lot of work to do it actually energises me to be get-up-and-go about everything else in my life.

OP said she has chosen NOT to work as he gets more money not working.

www.dunelm.com/product/starlet-silver-pouffe-1000117263?defaultSkuId=30679396

For him

I think you should get another sofa!

Because I get why it's annoying but I also slouch out on the sofa. No relationship, live with two teens but if there are two of us we grab a sofa each

Just buy a bigger sofa or a separate comfy arm chair for you to use. You both have a “right” to be relaxed when watching a film. We have a large corner one that pops apart for moving between homes. Lying on the sofa, I often do it because I have a bad neck from a car accident and so sitting can get painful. I put up with it at work, but at home it is lovely to just lie down and watch a film on the sofa without any neck pain.

It’s not about the sofa, and I totally get what you’re saying in your update. I have/had this exact cycle of affection/sex/none in my relationship.
I realised after a few years of it that I needed to be more vocal about my needs. I also had to accept that his needs were different. It’s much better now but I still sometimes have to say “Do you realise you have pn’t hugged me for 3 days? Or I call him out of the non-reciprocity of a hug or kiss - “um, excuse me, that’s not a hug, why did you push me away?”. I keep it lighthearted and it’s kind of a running joke that he doesn’t like physical affection, but he does like sex, and in order to have that (and me feeling warm towards him in readiness) he has to give. But I did have to get very clear and vocal about it - “I am not getting what I need here”.

Hmm. Your update is interesting op and it makes your feelings about the "sofa" much easier to understand. It's very difficult to switch from no affection - to sex - back to no affection again.

You do need to talk to him again about this because unfortunately it will probably only get worse.

Do you only have one sofa, no arm chairs? It’s your only place to sit? Do you have foot stools?

I always lie on the sofa. I seldom sit up. We have a sofa each. My husband always sits up on his. But he uses a foot stool to put his feet up?

You need to speak up, lack of communication never works. But do it in a way as to not leave you both feeling shit. Just suggest he uses a foot stool as you feel hemmed in.

We have a sofa each because we both like to lounge.

He recently announced he’d prefer a big armchair and I thought “That will be moaned about in a day or two and he’ll want a new sofa”

I feel your pain OP I have a corner sofa and my usual spot is in the centre of it either with legs tucked under like you describe or in the evening I might have my legs spread out to the shorter side. My DP will sit on the shorter end of it and ALWAYS puts his legs across to the other side so am trapped in the corner, I have to ask him to move when I want to get up which always requires several times of me asking and occasionally he refuses so I have to get up and climb over him.
The longer side of the couch is untouched and he could easily spread out there.
Sometimes he sits in the corner and I am happy to sit on either end without putting my legs all over him so I dont know why he cant do the same 🙄
And yes I do go and sit on the longer end to get away and then he moans that I dont want to sit near him, can't win!

OMG - read the fucking update everyone please.

@Arrivederla

OMG - read the fucking update everyone please.

Wow, calm down. Even the op isn’t behaving like this.

@Arrivederla

OMG - read the fucking update everyone please.

It might not be such a bad idea to give a different colour to the posts from the threads police

It doesn't sound like you get much from this relationship anymore.
It doesn't seem to meet your needs at all.

You go to work and he does nothing all day. He does cook or clean so you're doing everything while he does nothing.

The sex is bad and he's selfish.

He loafs on the sofa encroaching in your space so you still can't relax in your own home after work.

Maybe this relationship has just run its course.

Hi laziness would drive me insane more than anything. Does he do anything around the house - clean, cook? Can you give him a list of jobs to do.
It would give me the absolute rage if my DH was dossing around the house all day, luckily he’s the most productive and conscientious person I know, so no problems there.
The physical lounging for me wouldn’t be so much the issue as the lack of respect I would have for his idle arse!

I totally get it OP. It's about not respecting your body, your space, your needs.

The sofa lounging legs on you is just the final straw.

I don't know the answer if you have already spoken to him about it.

He needs to understand you need more non-sexual affection in order to feel close to him. Then you'll want more intimacy and more sex.

I sympathise because I've also been there.

Be careful the Ick doesn't set in before you resolve this, if indeed he is capable of meeting your very reasonable needs.

It does sound like he's got complacent. I think this is normal at this stage of the relationship

Sort of the point of a long term relationship as well. If you had to be uptight about always behaving correctly, perfect etiquette etc, it would be more like living with your great aunt or your boss than your long term partner. You should both feel free to burp, fart, and yes even lie around on the sofa when in each other’s company

You are middle class, he is working class. The way that you have both been brought up probably differ (not in a bad way, not in a good way, just different). You need to talk to each other as ‘sofa gate’ probably isn’t the worst of the irritating issues that are arising.

I wish you the best of luck, please talk to each other!

@Flipflopsaga

You are middle class, he is working class. The way that you have both been brought up probably differ (not in a bad way, not in a good way, just different). You need to talk to each other as ‘sofa gate’ probably isn’t the worst of the irritating issues that are arising. I wish you the best of luck, please talk to each other!

Where are you getting this from regarding class? I've read all the updates but I don't get this from the posts.

Just tell him to move up! Not great sign for your relationship moving forward if you can’t say as something as simple as that

Will people RTFT. It's not about the sofa, ffs.

My dad used to do this. Lie across a three seater sofa. We also had a two seater sofa and an armchair that you couldn’t really see the tv from. Which meant as a family of 5 one person either ended up sitting under his legs or lying on the floor. And another one having to turn the chair around. Got knows why he didn’t see anything wrong with this!

Now they’ve got one of those sofas where the foot rests pop out - would they be an option for you OP? Or an actual foot rest for each of you?

But yes he’s bu to put his feet / legs into your space, and you have every right to tell him!