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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off at DP lying on sofa

154 replies

CrotchBurn · 16/01/2021 07:56

So he has been lounging on the sofa pretty much all day every day. On loop.

It just pisses me off how he cant SIT on the sofa, he has to lie on it. It's really starting to grate on me. Yesterday I come in from work, there's a film starting. Great. I go to sit in what I consider a normal relaxing sofa position, sitting with legs tucked under me and pushed out a bit, kind of slouching - a bit more spread out than more "active" sitting. He comes back from opening us beers and yep, you guessed it, heads straight to lie down on the sofa, which means his legs are kind of almost across mine, penning me in.

It just feels fucking claustrophobic and like - give me some space. It's just annoying me that he needs to lie on the sofa ALL THE TIME. Can you not just sit on it? Slump on it? Does it always have to be LYING on it? If you're so tired you cant hold your body up a bit more, maybe go to bed?

Okay, the idea itself annoys me. But it also annoys me that his legs are pressing into me like that. It just wouldnt occur to me to do it - basically encroaching on someone else's personal space. That's how it feels to me. I know I'm just ranting now.

I was so angry yesterday I actually had to get up for a while because I thought I would lose my rag. And deep down inside me I know I'm being unreasonable and it's due to covid and lots of time together stuck indoors.

But out of curiosity: do you/DP lie or sit/slump on couch?

OP posts:
LizFlowers · 16/01/2021 08:38

You're not unreasonable, I would not like that either but why have only one sofa? If you had two, he could lie on one and you spread yourself out however you want on the other.

I lay down on the sofa; if I want to sit, I use an armchair. My husband was fond of lying down on a sofa too. It's comfortable.

However I would object to him doing it all day, every day. There must be things he can do around the house, in the kitchen maybe, and I don't know what 'on loop' means. I did google it but came up with something that doesn't fit your scenario so it must have some other meaning.

For goodness sakes, talk to your husband about it, tell him plainly you don't want his legs draped over you when you are watching television. Persuade him to look online and choose another sofa from DFS or Argos, it doesn't have to be anything expensive, then you can both be accommodated. Also make it plain that there are things to be done at home which he cannot do lying down!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/01/2021 08:38

I sometimes lie on the sofa in the evening but don’t obviously do it if someone else is on it too. We have 2 sofas so DH and I can both lounge if kids not there.

fourandnomore · 16/01/2021 08:38

I think this isn’t all about the sofa but it’s a starting point to a bigger conversation as you’ve said. He will have no idea he’s annoying you, he might genuinely love being that close to you - my DH loves putting his legs on me if we are sitting next to each other and I like them being there sometimes but if I didn’t I’d just move them off and say too heavy today and he wouldn’t care at all. I don’t really put mine on him as I sit more like you. He loves lying on anything - he loves his sleep too BUT he isn’t remotely lazy in other ways so I’d say that’s more the problem here. The change in dynamic with him not working and being cooped up together might be the problem here, maybe try to think about how you can broach that before you get irrationally angry about it (as that’s how it affects me with stuff like this). Otherwise - a footstool for him! Then you get more space and it’s a kind gift - win win :)

JinglingHellsBells · 16/01/2021 08:39

I cannot imagine why anyone would post this.

If you share a home and a sofa and feel the other person is hogging the sofa, tell them to budge along, or say you fancy lying down on it, so they can sit on a chair for a change.

It's not complicated.

You need to learn to ask for what you want.

MossandRoy · 16/01/2021 08:40

My ex used to do this so the three of us (me and 2 kids) would all be relegated to the floor or the one other two seater sofa. Selfish twat.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/01/2021 08:41

It's selfish space occupation.
Unless he has his own sofa, and you have yours, then he should share the space without encroaching on yours.
We have recliner seats in our sofas, so there's no need for anyone to loll all over the seats - but DS1 has started doing it (he's 13) which pisses DS2 off enormously (very Sheldonish with his "that's MY SPOT!"). No need for it either - Ds1 could just do the recliner thing if he wants to loll.

But a lot of it is about selfishness and no thought for the other person/people - and that's very bloody annoying.

Plussizejumpsuit · 16/01/2021 08:42

Yabu to think it's somehow bad or morally awful to lie on the sofa.

But he shouldn't be invading your space in away you don't like.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/01/2021 08:42

This has to be about something other than the sofa op

Original poster
CrotchBurn · 16/01/2021 08:42

@JinglingHellsBells

Yes I do but that feels impossible to me

OP posts:
MummaBear4321 · 16/01/2021 08:43

It sounds like him lying on the couch is actually just a part of anger towards him being lazy in general. If he hasn't been working since November, is it possible he is annoying you because he isnt doing much in general? I know I get angry at my MIL falling asleep on my couch but I know it's because I see her as lazy compared to DH who falls asleep because he has been at work all day.

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2021 08:43

Yes you do have the right to tell him - it your personal space.

Didnt he wonder why you were going upstairs?

MysweetAudrina · 16/01/2021 08:43

Oops I always lie on the sofa with my feet sometimes on dh's knees, shoulders, head, depending on what's most comfortable to me. He has never said he minded. I like the contact.

Mylittlesandwich · 16/01/2021 08:46

We solved this problem. We have 2 recliners, one on either end of the sofa. You can lounge or if you want to recline further and lie. Naps can be had but the napper should not expect to tiptoed around. Especially with a 1 year old in the house.

He probably doesn't know he's annoying you. Just tell him! Please keep your legs to yourself.

DamnBadLuck · 16/01/2021 08:47

I lie on the sofa, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. When I go and sit on the sofa it is my cue to relax, hence it quickly turns into lying down.

You need a recliner sofa, then dp can lie down on just his half of the sofa rather than encroach on you www.furniturevillage.co.uk/compact-collection-midi-2-seater-leather-sofa/ZFRSP000000000008891.html?dwvar_ZFRSP000000000008891_color=bv-1748-dark-chocolate&dwvar_ZFRSP000000000008891_recliner=left--right-power-recliner - they don't have to be as ugly as this one, just found a quick example. Each half can recline almost flat in most cases

StillGoingToWork · 16/01/2021 08:48

DH has wrecked 2 sofas by lying on them and putting his legs on the back cushions for hours squashing them to oblivion or, with a leather sofa, rubbing the leather with his feet until it got holes. I'm not allowed to criticise his loafing at all. We've just ordered a new sofa and I'm also looking for a "loveseat" which is a wide armchair for his exclusive use to completely ruin. He cannot sit upright on a sofa. Totally incapable. It drives me crazy.

Sometimeswinning · 16/01/2021 08:49

I'm just taking active sitting away from this thread. Totally what I do! Dh is a lounger but I'm ok with this. The second he starts getting any more relaxed I'll let him know!

AprilBundle · 16/01/2021 08:49

Get a pouffe/ footrest

Keratinsmooth · 16/01/2021 08:50

Get a nice reclining armchair?

bluepie · 16/01/2021 08:51

I think this is about more than lying on the sofa. Usually when something little like this is causing so much rage it's because there are other underlying problems.

And yes, just tell him to get off you if it's that uncomfortable! Get a back bone.

Original poster
CrotchBurn · 16/01/2021 08:52

Well the vote is a perfect 50/50 split!

I'm not happy with the physical dynamics in our relationship ATM and think this is just an expression of that. I'll need to talk to him about it but it feels so uncomfortable to me.

Glad active sitting resonated with people 😉

OP posts:
KizzyWayfarer · 16/01/2021 08:54

@CrotchBurn

He doesnt plop his legs across me, hes not a complete dick! But because he has his stretched out, instead of my legs being bent with a gap between my feet and my bum I have to tuck them up right up against my body if you see what I mean.

Yeah I know I just meed to tell him. But probably the biggest personal difficulty i have is expressing things that bother me. Its actually something I wanted to change about myself this year so maybe this is a good place to start. Normally I dont feel I can say anything so I don't, then I bottle it up and one day a load of frustration just explodes out of me. It's not good. I need to work on this.

It’s good you’ve identified the problem and want to change things. And this issue is a good place to start. Decide what you’re going to say next time, e.g. “I’d be more comfortable with a bit more room, can you bend your legs or shuffle up a bit?” Then next time something’s bugging you make a resolution to mention it rather than seething silently. “Would you mind doing x differently?” Assertiveness takes practice! And ignore the people suggesting that you wanting more personal space on the sofa is weird and means there must be fundamental problems in your relationship. Unless there’s a lot more you’re not telling us...
KizzyWayfarer · 16/01/2021 08:56

Cross-posted, obviously there are other problems - even more reason to work on assertiveness.

AlwaysLatte · 16/01/2021 08:56

My husband tends to prefer sitting in a big comfy chair but if he does sit on the sofas then he sits - he's not a lounger.

crystalize · 16/01/2021 08:59

You say you find it difficult expressing yourself to him. Why? Are you scared of his reaction? Does he sulk/huff and puff if you speak up about anything you're not happy with? Sounds like there's bigger issues here.

Chewbecca · 16/01/2021 08:59

What? I am absolutely gobsmacked at this thread.

I lie on our sofa, every single day, I would call it putting my feet up though, not lying. I haven’t a clue what ‘active sitting’ means. I am boggled at the idea me having my feet up might piss someone off or feel lazy. I’m not snoozing so I don’t need to go to bed, it’s just comfortable & I like to sit comfortably at the end of the day (which is pretty much the only time I am on the sofa). Occasionally DH will sit with me but usually he’s on another sofa & DC tend to be in other rooms but they sit in armchairs if in the sitting room.

How many sofas & armchairs do you have? Room for any more?