Pissed off at DP lying on sofa

[CrotchBurn]

So he has been lounging on the sofa pretty much all day every day. On loop.

It just pisses me off how he cant SIT on the sofa, he has to lie on it. It's really starting to grate on me. Yesterday I come in from work, there's a film starting. Great. I go to sit in what I consider a normal relaxing sofa position, sitting with legs tucked under me and pushed out a bit, kind of slouching - a bit more spread out than more "active" sitting. He comes back from opening us beers and yep, you guessed it, heads straight to lie down on the sofa, which means his legs are kind of almost across mine, penning me in.

It just feels fucking claustrophobic and like - give me some space. It's just annoying me that he needs to lie on the sofa ALL THE TIME. Can you not just sit on it? Slump on it? Does it always have to be LYING on it? If you're so tired you cant hold your body up a bit more, maybe go to bed?

Okay, the idea itself annoys me. But it also annoys me that his legs are pressing into me like that. It just wouldnt occur to me to do it - basically encroaching on someone else's personal space. That's how it feels to me. I know I'm just ranting now.

I was so angry yesterday I actually had to get up for a while because I thought I would lose my rag. And deep down inside me I know I'm being unreasonable and it's due to covid and lots of time together stuck indoors.

But out of curiosity: do you/DP lie or sit/slump on couch?

@CrotchBurn

Well the vote is a perfect 50/50 split!

I'm not happy with the physical dynamics in our relationship ATM and think this is just an expression of that. I'll need to talk to him about it but it feels so uncomfortable to me.

Glad active sitting resonated with people 😉

What is uncomfortable about telling the man you are not comfortable with having his legs over you? He may think you like it or at least don't mind, you have to tell him or he won't realise!

I have never heard of 'active sitting', but may be doing it at the moment with my laptop on my - er - lap.

By 'on loop', do you mean continually?

I still thinking buying another sofa would help - one each, a big one for him to lie on and a smaller one for you to curl up on.

I would have told him, not to lie on me. Nothing wrong with saying that.

When his legs are too close to yours just say can you move up a bit please. Asking him to never lie on the sofa is a bit much.

@vanillandhoney Err, when did I say I insist she sits in a certain way- I've just said this is how she 'lies' all the time. Doesn't stop it being annoying to others.

We both lay on the sofa. But we also ask the other to move a bit if they're making us uncomfortable. We have a footstool for extra legroom but will get and L shaped sofa for optimum laying potential. We have bad backs and sitting upright hurts.

Honestly, if I had a a DP that wanted to ban me from lying on the sofa, I would find that controlling beyond belief! But it would annoy me having someone’s feet poking me.

Me, DH and the DC are all lie downers... even in the more formal sitting room (teen DC). We have corner sofas/footstools though so people can lie comfortably without encroaching on the other persons space.

Maybe the way to approach it is to replan the room with a new set up of sofa plus chair, or two sofas, or corner sofas - if he asks why you want to change, there’s four opportunity to say you need personal space!

Wait, people don’t lie on sofas? That is wild.

When we had a smaller sofa, we would somethings have to tell the other to move their legs if they were taking up too much space/annoying. But now we have a giant sofa with plenty of room for lounging/legs up on sofa without intruding on space (which actually saddens us at times).

[quote FreekStar]@vanillandhoney Err, when did I say I insist she sits in a certain way- I've just said this is how she 'lies' all the time. Doesn't stop it being annoying to others.[/quote]
Yes - but it's such an odd thing to get worried about! Sofas are for comfort, surely? If she's comfortable curled up in a blanket then I really don't understand what there is to be annoyed about?

It was very rude of him to make you uncomfortable. Why did you not ask him to move away a bit?

I have a sofa and I lie on it.

Maybe that’s why I don’t have a man living with me ?

People are different . I'm not sure why people are frothing. Yes if I was in your shoes OP o probably would be about torn , as you say it drives you mad but it's also his home too. I think I'd say something but like you say its lockdown irritations.

People think we are really odd as we all sit in armchairs (I got rid of the sofa last year as entirely the only person who sat on it was ddog and it was a giant untidy dog bed by the end) . The DC have always preferred their DC sized armchairs. I have a a couple of armchairs and a footstool and DP has a screwed up back so sits at a desk with an office chair or on one of the armchair.

Some people lounge some people sit. I don't really think it's a crime to sit differently.

I’ve never ‘sat’ on a sofa. I always lie. My main criteria when buying one is how comfy is it for laying on.

Dh lies on them
Ex Dh laid on them
All the family lays on them.

If you want to sit, buy a chair. Just lie down with your Dh or buy another sofa.

What’s the big deal?🤷🏼‍♀️

This is why I bought a corner sofa. We get a long but each to lie on

We have a large corner sofa so plenty of space for DH, I & kids. I 80% lay down as I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and it's less painful on my legs. DH 80% sits and only occasionally lays down to watch tv/have a nap.
I would have to tell DH not to lay over me if he did what your DH does, that would drive me insane, we each need our own space

YANBU to find it irritating that, because he encroaches into "your" space, you can't get comfortable.
YABU to not say something to him about it. All it should take is "Can you move your legs a bit please, I can't get comfortable squashed up like this". If he gets huffy then you have other issues. If he complains that then he's not comfortable you can have a conversation around how to rectify the issue so that you're both comfortable. Perhaps he could use a pouffe.

Some people lounge some people sit. I don't really think it's a crime to sit differently.

But the "sitters" mostly seem to be suggesting that anyone lying down is odd or should just "go to bed" because they're annoying!

If you want to sit bolt upright, knock yourself out, but people are also allowed to want to lie down and curl up without being told they're irritating!

Three things stood out to me:

1. Why is he lying on the sofa all day? Sounds like there’s a logical reason for him not to be working but presumably he could still usefully spend some of his time doing housework / food shopping / admin / cooking? I’d certainly expect DP to do the lion’s share if I was working and he wasn’t and him not doing it would make me very resentful.
2. Regularly thinking “yuk get away” to your partner being in your personal space doesn’t sound like a sign of a healthy relationship - of course it’s normal sometimes (for me it’s usually because either he’s initiating sex and I’m not interested at that point or because he’s hot and I’m peri-menopausal!)
3. You should feel able to tell him to move. We often sit in sofa with legs outstretched into other’s lap - good for a foot rub! - but equally tell each other to move if not comfortable.

So definitely sounds to me like this isn’t really about him lying on the sofa but a symptom of a wider problem.

Bizarre thread. It's perfectly normal to lie on a sofa. DP and I often lie with our legs over each other and it can be very nice. If one of us feels like more personal space we just say "can you move your legs please" and it's a complete non-issue.

If you feel your partner will react negatively to a polite request to move his legs, that's a larger problem.

If you don't feel this but still don't feel you can ask him, I suggest therapy.

I'll explain a bit about the weird (IMO) physical dynamic we have gotten into because i dont know how to get out of it and I think the sofa thing is about that.

Basically I'd say over the past year or two (been together four) he has become much less tactile/physically affectionate. Dont get me wrong it's not like hes cold or standoffish. But basically I'm very affevtionate and if I want that I have to instigate it. All the time. And it gets tiring and (I know this is such a horrible word but dont know how else to describe it) it doesn't make me feel "cherished". So for example I will hug him or stroke his hair or whatever but he wouldnt do the same back, would just "receive" it

However he does want to have sex. The problem is we get stuck in this cycle: we'll have sex, I'll feel elated and be really affectionate, he wont respond, after a few days of it being one sided I'll kind of withdraw, then he'll want sex but by that stage I will have felt kind of "left out in the cold", so will reject him (and he will feel hurt/rejected) until I think "okay, I need to get back into this", rinse and repeat.

Its difficult to describe but it's not like its cold or awkward between us in the mean time, we have a laugh together and are very supportive of one another but - it just starts to feel like we're housemates. Like I say he will respond when I do it but not give it if that makes sense. And he just seems to expect me to turn on my sexual vibe on demand? I need more affection than he is giving me so that our physical relationship is kind of a continuous conversation rather than black and white. I dont want these weird tight little kisses or just "letting" me hug him. It feels weird.

Also small things like - he's not working, maybe he could cook us dinner from time to time. Build up a mood, you know? It just feels so workaday.

I have had this conversation with him before having swallowed my awkwardness and he acts surprised and almost offended/hurt. But nothing really changes.

I guess with the "sofa issue" it feels like a continuation in the sense of - just kind of treating my body as a "thing", like it's there for you to have sex with or lean your feet against. I KNOW that's not his intention but it's what it feels like to me. It makes me feel angry. It's hard to describe. But for some reason now when he wants to get it on with me I almost feel used and degraded but I have no fucking idea why. It's not like he's some kind of boorish brash man.

Like I say for the first say two years of the relationship it wasnt like this, and I know he loves and fancies me. I think he has just gotten fucking lazy and complacent.

Sorry for the long ramble! 🙈

Tell him to move. That’s what I do if I’m uncomfortable. Now my DH says let me know if it’s not comfortable and I’ll move, then usually within 10 min I ask him to move lol

Hmm, if nothing is improving despite talking to him about it, and if he really thinks it appropriate to sit around all day letting you do all the housework and cooking, it sounds like time to re-evaluate the whole relationship and decide whether it's worth continuing.

We have separate recliners. Problem solved.

Big footstool or recliner chair?

It sounds as though you don't like your DP.
He must feel very uncomfortable in his own home if you are just irritated by the way he sits.

Perhaps footstools would help if you don't have room for a chair as well as a sofa?

This reminds me of my abusive ex who would micro manage how I sit, where I sit, what position etc all with the claim of "its gross" to lie on a sofa. Leave him alone or sit on the other seat.