Kids and schools book choice of Mister Tom

[LiJo2015]

Ill keep this short as currently baby napped with 5 month old so typing one handed!

11 yo son currently readjng mister tom for school. Came down stairs yesterday and visibly shocked and a little shaken at the part about his abusive mums treatment of his new baby sibling.

No warning about this book came from the school. I have contacted the school to explain that although i wouldnt want storylines like this not to be covered but they can be distressing and would want the assurance that its being handled empathetically.

So

AINBU - if so, why

AIBU - if so, why

I learnt a great deal from books. Often things I would not wish to discuss with my parents and much preferred being able to process and research at my own pace and in my own way.

Sad things happen. They did in the War and they do now. At 11, your son is old enough to know this. It will help him to empathise with his peers, and to know that he is fortunate to be well cared for.
Goodnight Mr Tom is a fabulous book. It’s an accepted classic novel for children and young people. Have you not read/ seen A Christmas Carol?! Hasn’t he?
On another level, you could share with him that they are William BEECH and Tom OAKley, and that an oak tree features heavily in the book as Tom’s place for contemplation. This is the simile that the author wanted to show- that like a solid oak tree, or a beech needing nurturing, both dormant in Winter, Tom comes alive with the arrival of William, and William does too under the care of Tom.
By the way, his best mate is killed by a bomb so you’d better be ready for that too, as you know what.... that really happened, and still happens now in some parts of the World.

I did object when my DD's teacher started to read "The boy in the striped Pajamas" to her class in year 5 - the teacher hadn't actually finished reading it herself and had gone on other's recommendations. My DD would have found it distressing.

There are strong reasons to object to The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas aside from any distress it may cause. It's Holocaust fiction that centres the tragedy of a Nazi's son dying - and according to people who have knowledge of them, presents a completely unrealistic version of the death camps. I really don't think it should be taught in schools. There are plenty of books written by or with the close collaboration of people who actually experienced the Holocaust. We do not need ill-informed Holocaust fiction like TBITSP.

@FortunesFave

God help me I was reading Stephen King at 12! I do wonder how people keep their children so sheltered. That's not a criticism...it's a genuine question.

What makes you think the OP's child is sheltered in a way you weren't?

If you were reading Stephen King and not bothered by it, one logical conclusion is that you were an (appropriately) sheltered child: you didn't relate to it as a traumatic story.

There are lots of books that didn't upset me as a child that would bother me more now - I'm sure that's true of a lot of us. I found the dead baby in Mr Tom very sad when I first read it, but now I would find it much harder to read because I have had a baby. That's growing up.

In the same way, when you're a well-adjusted child who hasn't been exposed to anything very unpleasant, you're not going to take in the absolute horror of something like Boy in Striped Pyjamas. It would be developmentally weird if you did.

Often (not always) if a child has a really strong reaction to a traumatic storyline, it's sadly not because they have not been sheltered enough.

@Joeblack066

Sad things happen. They did in the War and they do now. At 11, your son is old enough to know this. It will help him to empathise with his peers, and to know that he is fortunate to be well cared for. Goodnight Mr Tom is a fabulous book. It’s an accepted classic novel for children and young people. Have you not read/ seen A Christmas Carol?! Hasn’t he? On another level, you could share with him that they are William BEECH and Tom OAKley, and that an oak tree features heavily in the book as Tom’s place for contemplation. This is the simile that the author wanted to show- that like a solid oak tree, or a beech needing nurturing, both dormant in Winter, Tom comes alive with the arrival of William, and William does too under the care of Tom. By the way, his best mate is killed by a bomb so you’d better be ready for that too, as you know what.... that really happened, and still happens now in some parts of the World.

Oh, my lord, that's a painfully contorted reading. I get where it comes from, but ... ugh.

(Also, it is not a simile.)

@SachaStark

I’ve taught that book multiple times with Year 7, it’s a perfectly acceptable selection by the class teacher. We used to stop and have discussions about the distressing elements of the book to talk through what was happening to William, and how we all felt about it. Is the class teacher having these sorts of discussions with the kids? Appreciate that it’s harder to achieve that usual cosy class book discussion that we would normally have at school right now.

While I agree with this about usual 'in class' practice I actually think that this should be reviewed during these times. Children are having to do their school work alone, without a huge amount of supervision from either teachers (only available online, some only by 'chat function' not f2f) nor with full-time support from parents if they are also wfh or in this case looking after a 5mo old baby. I think schools should be mindful of the circumstances in which children are doing their home learning and be careful about adding to the already difficult emotional load right now.

Presumably the point about giving a book with potentially distressing themes to be read at home is that the parents can also provide support and explanation.

I wonder if William's mother would have supported him if he read a book he found distressing.

I would imagine for some children this book would evoke a similar reaction to the OPs but with less maturity to deal with it. I don't think we can shield children from everything, nor should we, but I think it would be a very distressing read for some children.

@Angel2702

It is a sad story and that part is shocking in contrast to the rest of the book. I would have preferred them to do Carrie’s War in year 6 and Mr Tom in year 7. Year 7 read The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas which is also very sad and distressing to read.

Oh God yes, Boy is Striped pyjamas stayed with me for a long time..

I find it odd you would want reassurance the school is handling it empathetically. Surely you trust the school to do this or you wouldn't be sending your son there?

I don't think there's any harm in mentioning your son was upset by it- especially if he was reading independently.

It seems what would have been sensible here is for the school to send out an email stating that this is the book they are reading, that it can be a bit upsetting (stating themes) and just give a heads up to parents.

I have to be honest, my girls were reading grittier and more difficult stuff by 11, because one in particular just flew ahead with reading and so was reading teen/young adult stuff by then- Hunger Games is horrific as a book! One of mine also watched more grown up films with an adult at this age as she liked that type of film. The other one remained a bit more sensitive and not really wanting to get into that stuff til about 13. We did discuss a lot though, especially films which were a bit more upsetting/graphic.

Both read Mr Tom in primary though- it is upsetting and it's designed to be so.

@SomewhatBored

I did object when my DD's teacher started to read "The boy in the striped Pajamas" to her class in year 5 - the teacher hadn't actually finished reading it herself and had gone on other's recommendations. My DD would have found it distressing.

There are strong reasons to object to The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas aside from any distress it may cause. It's Holocaust fiction that centres the tragedy of a Nazi's son dying - and according to people who have knowledge of them, presents a completely unrealistic version of the death camps. I really don't think it should be taught in schools. There are plenty of books written by or with the close collaboration of people who actually experienced the Holocaust. We do not need ill-informed Holocaust fiction like TBITSP.

Very good point.

Schools and teachers are highly experienced and have likely taught this for years.

Of course they will teach it with empathy and sensitivity. I don't understand why you need to check that they will.

Do you email your doctor before a procedure to check they are going to treat you with care and compassion?

@SansaSnark

I find it odd you would want reassurance the school is handling it empathetically. Surely you trust the school to do this or you wouldn't be sending your son there?

I don't think there's any harm in mentioning your son was upset by it- especially if he was reading independently.

I agree. Anyway, it's the parent's job to sort that out...to help children understand.

My daughter is in Year 5 and doing it. I know the story anyway but I have no problem with my 9 year old reading it. It's not a good thing she does, and it's set in the war so it was never going to be a fluffy read.

YANBU. It is a totally unsuitable book for a sensitive eleven year old child. Enough to give them nightmares.,

[quote alpinecheese]**@jamesfailedmarshmallows the baby is not stillborn, she dies in the cupboard with Will because she starves to death. When they're found, the baby's body has started to decompose, but Will has not yet realised she's dead. He blames himself for her death for a long time. It's tough stuff. A perceptive child will also correctly infer that the baby was conceived through prostitution, which may well be a new concept for a 10 year old.

I'm not one of those saying the book shouldn't be read in Year 6 - it's amazing and I think it should be - but I do think a mention to parents is probably sensible.[/quote]
I read this book at school many years ago and loved it.

Your comment today is the first time the prostitution angle had crossed my mind. I just assumed it was a bloke home on leave

I agree OP that it's really important if they are doing a book with these topics that the teacher has an action plan for covering it sensitively - there could well be children in the class who have experienced DV themselves, or know someone who has. Or had a much loved baby sibling die. Personally I find the idea of a baby starving to death very distressing and it is quite different to something like a death from a bombing. Of course any child dying is very sad but a mother starving a baby to death is horrific.

Loads of young persons and teenage books deal with very hard hitting subjects. They will get more serious than this.

It’s a good thing, it allows children to explore a range of subjects and teaches them a broad range of issues.

I understand it may be triggering for you, but it might be a good opportunity for children to discuss in the classroom and highlight issues for them.

@Poppingnostopping

It seems what would have been sensible here is for the school to send out an email stating that this is the book they are reading, that it can be a bit upsetting (stating themes) and just give a heads up to parents.

I have to be honest, my girls were reading grittier and more difficult stuff by 11, because one in particular just flew ahead with reading and so was reading teen/young adult stuff by then- Hunger Games is horrific as a book! One of mine also watched more grown up films with an adult at this age as she liked that type of film. The other one remained a bit more sensitive and not really wanting to get into that stuff til about 13. We did discuss a lot though, especially films which were a bit more upsetting/graphic.

I suppose it depends on your point of view. I don't see the Hunger Games as distressing as Mister Tom as it doesn't seem real but that might be because I was born not long after the war, used to play on bomb building sites and heard war stories in the family so to me it is more real. I suppose WWII seems like ancient history to kids now.

In the true spirit of lockdown I read it as captain Tom and thought he has a book?

It’s important all issues are covered and it’s great that you were able to speak to your son even though it might be triggering for you.

It’s difficult as they are following the curriculum and this is maybe the point they would cover it, no harm expressing your concerns to the school, they could have sent an email outlining what they intended to teach this term so it could have prepared parents particularly if they are dealing with such subjects and what support is in place, this may not help your feelings now but it might make them aware in the future and prevent someone feeling how you do.

@SophieDahling

Children are often a lot more resilient than we give them credit for

This is a cliche that needs to be retired.

It’s a cliche because it’s true.

[quote alpinecheese]**@jamesfailedmarshmallows the baby is not stillborn, she dies in the cupboard with Will because she starves to death. When they're found, the baby's body has started to decompose, but Will has not yet realised she's dead. He blames himself for her death for a long time. It's tough stuff. A perceptive child will also correctly infer that the baby was conceived through prostitution, which may well be a new concept for a 10 year old.

I'm not one of those saying the book shouldn't be read in Year 6 - it's amazing and I think it should be - but I do think a mention to parents is probably sensible.[/quote]
Wow. I had never heard of this book. I was shocked and upset just reading your summary and I am a pretty tough and resilient adult who has seen some awful stuff in real life. However I do find myself much more affected by stories about awful things happening to children since I had one myself- eg I always felt very very sad for the McCanns but now my son is the same age as Madeleine was when she disappeared I find it absolutely unbearable to think about.

So maybe a child would be less sensitive to this than a parent?

I posted about this a couple of years ago. It really upset my year 5 DS at the time. I never understand why kids have to read sad books at school. Life is hard enough as it is

As I've said before, the toughest bits of the book are nothing to do with war. And it's not as simple as saying 'bad things happen' - it's not just about what happens, it's about how it's written and portrayed. My kids can watch endless people die in Star Wars (including a whole planet being destroyed, which is genocide on a massive scale) while barely blinking an eyelid, because it is portrayed in a certain way. Similarly, a WW2 book can have lots of people die, but it can be presented in a more or less emotional way. IMO, the thing that makes GMT so hard is that it deals with the total betrayal of a child by a parent, plus the death of a baby sibling, in an emotionally very graphic way. Personally I find it much more upsetting than The Hunger Games, though I'm not saying everyone would agree. (For ref, DS did GMT at school in Y6 and HG in Y7.)