To ask my partner to shave 4 days plus since last shave?

[hugocat]

Apparently I’m controlling when I ask my partner to shave . What do you think? I think it looks scruffy and I don’t find it attractive at all.

@Cokie3

She is not asking though is she??
She is expecting him to do it and complaining about it so much that:
a) her DH is upset about her attitude
b) she has come on here complaining about him not listening to her.

Interesting in your response you seem to be able to distinguish her request and his, with hers being reasonable and if he did it as unreasonable. This is the typical response from someone controlling.
What if he asked her to was her face every few day, cause he likes to kiss smooth skin... would that be fair in your mind or would you be able to think of another excuse why why she would be a victim in this.

Imagine being told to put make up on as you look scruffy

@lemonsquashie

Imagine being told to put make up on as you look scruffy

Although I think I disagree with you, you might well be right. Great example. Food for thought.

Yes. It is controlling and unreasonable to ask your partner to shave.

@Applecrumble24

Yanbu On my first date with my dh, he had quite long stubble, which I hate. I told him that if he wants a kiss, he'll have to shave it. Next date, he was clean shaven 😂 Fast forward to now, if he leaves it more than 2 days, I remind him that he looks like a homeless man and he shaves. He does not want to look unattractive to me

I’ve just got to this post and I am amazed that anyone speaks to their partner like that. So rude!!

MN once again pretending that physical attraction a) simply doesn’t exist, or b) is irrelevant to a relationship.

You can ask. They can refuse. You can decide if it’s a dealbreaker to you and leave.

Physical attraction of course exists, but for me at least, it's at least partly based on chemistry and emotion too. That's why sometimes I don't immediately find someone physically attractive, but then after getting to know them a little, I do.

It's also why MINOR changes to my DH's appearance don't suddenly change my physical attraction to him. I would still be just as physically attracted to him if he gained a stone or two (or lost a stone or two), or grew his hair long, or shaved it all off, or grew a big beard, or shaved clean, or got a few tattoos, etc. etc.

I get that everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a minor change, but I certainly don't envy those with such a low tolerance for change. it must be really difficult if your attraction to a long-term partner can change so drastically so easily, cos most people change their appearance over time!

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@Cokie3

She is not asking though is she??
She is expecting him to do it and complaining about it so much that:
a) her DH is upset about her attitude
b) she has come on here complaining about him not listening to her.

Interesting in your response you seem to be able to distinguish her request and his, with hers being reasonable and if he did it as unreasonable. This is the typical response from someone controlling.
What if he asked her to was her face every few day, cause he likes to kiss smooth skin... would that be fair in your mind or would you be able to think of another excuse why why she would be a victim in this.[/quote]
@Cheeseandwin5 Yes, she is. You are inventing a narrative that simply does not exist in the OPs posts, and basing your arguments on that. We don't know she is 'expecting' him to do it, OR that she has 'complained about it so much', that is your wild imagination there.

a) Where has she said her "DH is upset" about her 'attitude'?
b) She hasn't mentioned whether he has listened to her or not.

You display typical controlling behaviour - ergo, inventing a narrative that does not even exist, to justify your mindset. And your analogy, if one could call it that, equally makes no sense. If she is like all of us she washes her face every day. If he wanted to kiss smooth skin, why would he ask her to put off washing her face? It doesn't make any sense, it simply reads like a desperate attempt to double down that makes zero sense, even remotely in a different stratosphere.

Regardless, she, as the one who has to kiss him, has the right to ask him to at least consider her comfort. No rational person would argue against that, surely.

@Uhhuhoyaye

A woman doesn't have to kiss a man on his face. She may have to do so to be romantically or sexually fulfilled, but her partner is not obliged to romantically or sexually fulfil her.

That is why I think your argument is dangerous. It not only assumes sex is compulsory but if forces people to make their body comfortable for their partner. Naturally a considerate lover would do so, but to make it compulsory is dangerous and will not play out well for women.

Where did I say it should be 'compulsory'?

And lets use logic here, if you are MARRIED or IN A RELATIONSHIP, that tends to involve at least a quick peck on the lips or cheek, right? Unless you would have us believe that the OP/spouses/partners never kiss goodnight/goodbye in the morning. It's not just about sex. To suggest the woman should be made to feel uncomfortable is dangerous and imo, akin to assault because you are saying she should put up with feeling uncomfortable. That is as dangerous you can get. Your attitude is very dangerous, very sexist, and very minimising of women.

@Circumlocutious

MN once again pretending that physical attraction a) simply doesn’t exist, or b) is irrelevant to a relationship.

You can ask. They can refuse. You can decide if it’s a dealbreaker to you and leave.

Apparently even just asking is considered 'controlling'.

I think a better analogy than the pubes thing is a man asking a woman to pluck her eyebrows because he likes them thinner.

@TopBants

I think a better analogy than the pubes thing is a man asking a woman to pluck her eyebrows because he likes them thinner.

Unless the eyebrows scrapes along his mouth/face like stubble/bear does, it isn't a good analogy. The only thing I can think of is if OP has facial piercings that scratches her partner's mouth or face.

*beard, not bear.

If he hadn’t had a shower for 4 days and the op asked him to have one the responses on this thread would be the opposite to what they are regarding shaving.

@Sarahandduck18

If he hadn’t had a shower for 4 days and the op asked him to have one the responses on this thread would be the opposite to what they are regarding shaving.

My response would be that perhaps he was depressed and that she should encourage him to see his GP. I don't think not shaving is on par with not washing.

@Cokie3, yes I think the piercing thing is probably a better analogy, but still not perfect because you can remove a piercing if the situation warrants it and then replace it in a matter of moments. Not so with a beard.

I don't ask dh to shave but when he's kissing me I let him know it's pricking me

"it must be really difficult if your attraction to a long-term partner can change so drastically so easily, cos most people change their appearance over time"

@WhenPidgeonsCry exactly!

It's an unavoidable fact that in a LTR our appearances will change. Natural ageing such as wrinkles, age spots etc. It happens to all of us (yes you could delay it with Botox etc but if you want to be in a LTR and still be holding hands when you're in your 90s it will happen)

I agree with pidgeons in that there is an element of loving the person beyond the skin, IYSWIM. I doubt my DH was originally attracted to and specifically looked for bald women to be in a relationship with but now I am bald and he says he still loves and desires me - he strokes my head and says it feels lovely etc (it really doesn't ) I've no doubt I am less attractive objectively (I used to have very nice waist length hair) but actually DH still showing he loves me has made me feel so much better about it. (Why the fuck does my chin want to be hairy though?! what is that about )

And yes people will say well choosing to grow a beard is not comparable to losing hair as it's a choice - but the end result is the same - a change in appearance rendering someone less attractive in their partners eyes. I would rather be the couple holding hands in their 90s wrinkles and all, than the ones asking each other to shave/cut hair to their preferences etc (unless it's for physical comfort like beard rash ofc).

It's a clichè about beauty being skin deep etc and it sounds idealistic to say "I would love someone no matter what" but I think if you have an already strong relationship it's possible to say this and mean it.

I agree with @Fuckmuppet. My saggy mum tum has skin that resembles elephant hide crossed with orange peel due to stretch marks in pregnancy. I doubt it'll ever look anywhere near the way it did when DH and I met without the aid of a surgeon's scalpel (and I'd rather not face the risk of death, however small, for the sake of aesthetics).