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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner to shave 4 days plus since last shave?

143 replies

hugocat · 15/01/2021 10:46

Apparently I’m controlling when I ask my partner to shave . What do you think? I think it looks scruffy and I don’t find it attractive at all.

OP posts:
Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 13:57

YANBU Beards look terrible on 95% of men, I don't care how well or neat and tidy someone says their partner keeps it, the vast overwhelming majority of men look terrible and it ages them on average an extra 30 years. I've seen so many men with beards or stubble and their girlfriend says they 'look great', um trust me, lol, no they don't! They look terrible. It is extremely rare to find a man that looks good with facial hair. Extremely rare. If you have sex regularly I would say that I don't find him a turn on like that. Guarantee he will shave it off quickly if he thinks he won't get any unless he does.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 13:59

And the difference between legs and face is that you don't kiss his legs goodbye/hello. You kiss him on the face and lips, so it's pretty much impossible to avoid getting grazed by facial stubble.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 14:02

@TheQueef

Mind your own.
He is her partner, she has to kiss him. It is very much her business.
bluegreygreen · 15/01/2021 14:04

@BillMasen

You as a woman here are expressing a preference and it’s fine

On the contrary - the voting is currently 92% for the OP being unreasonable, and the comments similar.

I confess I'm relieved, as I had expected it to be different, given that there are often double standards here (I had also read the other thread).

NavyFlask · 15/01/2021 14:07

I think you can say you prefer it when they've shaved, but it's not something that is reasonable to insist on. Just not on at all.

Whatwouldscullydo · 15/01/2021 14:07

I hate kissing anyone with a beard/stubble its scratchy and irritating.

And very few pull off a beard .

But its their body and their choice so can't do much about it

Blueberriesontoast · 15/01/2021 14:08

Anyone who did Rasputin and the nest of mice in his beard in history at school would not think OP IBU.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 14:08

For goodness sake, there is a massive difference between shaving legs, and face. You cannot avoid getting scratched by rough facial hair if you ever kiss your partner. Two entirely differently things. It's not about control. Preferring your partner to be clean shaven is a valid preference, it doesn't make the OP bad, or good. It is just a preference. The OP has the right to have a preference as she is the one that has to kiss him and therefore be affected by his facial hair. If he chooses not to shave, that's also his preference. But it therefore is the OP's preference/prerogative to not kiss him or have sex with him.

B33Fr33 · 15/01/2021 14:08

I'm confused. Why, if looks are important, are some of these women or people go out with someone who doesn't look like that then try to change them? Is this a control thing? Do you enjoy being in charge more than looks? I mean looks don't draw me to people so maybe it's like that? Intriguing how many controlling people still get away with it really. But then I guess being a doormat does it for some too.

minipie · 15/01/2021 14:09

@Mrgrinch

Only if you're happy for him to tell you how to look. Would you be happy if he told you to change your appearance?
Yup this.

Personally, if DH asked me to make one, fairly easy, change to my appearance every few days and it was something I often do anyway (eg wear hair up instead of down) I wouldn’t mind and would do it. Any more than that and it would veer into controlling/looks obsessed.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 14:16

@TeamNegan

I voted YANBU. My husband has a beard and always has since I met him, to me he looks much better with a beard and I prefer it to clean shaven, he looks more attractive to me. He doesn’t often go clean shaven because he knows this, but equally I would do the same for him. I dye my hair a lot of different colours and if he prefers a certain colour on me then I’d choose that one and I wouldn’t be offended if he said he liked one or the other. Why wouldn’t I want to look attractive to my husband 🤷🏼‍♀️
Exactly! If you're in a relationship, how your partner feels is important. It is not 'controlling' in the least, I can't believe the rubbish I am reading on here! Confused She is asking him, she isn't forcing him and holding him down with a razor in her hand! If you cannot simply ask something of your partner, it's a pretty poor relationship.
Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 14:18

@MustardMitt

This isn’t comparable to shaving legs, underarms or vulva. You’d have to compare her asking him to shave legs, underarms and balls.

She’s fine to ask and he’s fine to say no. She’s fine to not like it and he’s fine to say too bad.

Not sure why her asking has morphed into a demand.

Absolutely this.
PolytheneHam · 15/01/2021 14:23

DH doesn't mind whether or not I shave my body, but when he doesn't shave for more than a couple of days, it hurts my face to kiss him (more so if I've been at work because wearing a mask for twelve hours makes my facial skin really sensitive). We like kissing, so he tends to shave when I mention that it's uncomfortable.

Handcarthell · 15/01/2021 14:25

Completely agree with OPs except I wouldn't ask him to shave... it's his face.

Just so he doesn't expect his face to come near any part of me, because that's my choice

MotherToBee · 15/01/2021 14:35

Women really are some funny fuckers aren’t they?
Expecting their partners to change fore them but would have a total melt down if it was the other way around Grin

Uhhuhoyaye · 15/01/2021 14:48

Asking is fine. Saying you prefer him? clean shaven is fine. Blackmailing him with no kisses is fine. If the blackmail fails and he doesn't want to kiss you, nagging/ continually hinting isn't fine.

Not all blackmail is acceptable. Blackmailing him that if he didn't shave you would throw him out and he would never see the kids again, would on reflection be over the top.

Uhhuhoyaye · 15/01/2021 14:49

Sorry, thought there was only 1 page of comments, so hadn't read the full thread.

Iwonder08 · 15/01/2021 15:01

Absolutely fine assuming you will take it as well of he makes similar request regarding any of your body parts. For instance 'please shave your public hair, it has been 4 days, I don't find it attractive'

CiderWithRosy · 15/01/2021 15:09

My mum had a bbq round her house a few years ago and a few of her cronies were there. She's a very judgemental person and is very obsessed with what people think of her. My DH only shaves once a week (I actually like this because he looks nice with a few days growth). Anyway we got there and he wasn't clean shaven and she had a go at him and called him lazy. I didn't say anything and I let it go because I didn't want any drama but when I look back on this I really regret not sticking up for him. OP this thread reminds me of my mum, you remind me of my mum. Please don't be like her OP. I mean that in a nice way. YABU.

BumbleBiscuit · 15/01/2021 15:09

YABVU unreasonable, it’s not your face! You don’t get to decide what happens to it.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/01/2021 15:14

My bf's ex wife used to tell him to shave as he looked like "a homeless person". I love his beard and tell him not to shave (in a joking way of course...I would still love him without a beard, I just probably wouldn't fancy him as much).

He has commented oon my legs once or twice when I haven't shaved them for a few days (under jeans in the winter, never in the summer), which he is entitled to do but I just laugh at him and shave them when I feel like it.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 15:24

I think it's very sad that a woman is told she is unreasonable for having a preference when it involves her comfort. To be told her comfort doesn't matter, imo, is quite controlling, and sexist.

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/01/2021 15:27

For me, I will only comment on my DH appearance if he asks me or I think he is looking particular fine.
Otherwise I assume he is old enough to know what he wants and what makes HIM happy and don't feel the compulsion to force him to act or dress in a different way.

DigitalChristmas · 15/01/2021 15:32

If dh has a beard or didn’t shave I can’t actually kiss him as it really irritates my skin. Not a bad thing when we are not seeing eye to eye but I can understand op having reservations.

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/01/2021 15:35

@Cokie3
I think it's very sad that a woman is told she is unreasonable for having a preference when it involves her comfort. To be told her comfort doesn't matter, imo, is quite controlling, and sexist.

Unless you're saying that any DH can tell his DW what to wear and how to have her hair, then its you who is being sexist.
I think most commentators understand that in the same way they wouldn't want or expect a man to tell them how to wear their hair inline with his own personal pleasure, you cant then say its ok for a DW to do it.
If you can only see it as controlling if a man does it to a woman than I think thats maybe you should look at.

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