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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner to shave 4 days plus since last shave?

143 replies

hugocat · 15/01/2021 10:46

Apparently I’m controlling when I ask my partner to shave . What do you think? I think it looks scruffy and I don’t find it attractive at all.

OP posts:
lcdododo · 15/01/2021 11:17

YABU

Iwantacookie · 15/01/2021 11:20

I think it depends on the context.
Dp likes to leave his facial hair until he looks quite unkempt. I always call him homeless when it gets to that stage but would never make him shave.
Same works other way round, hell ask if I'm planning on plaiting my pubes anytime soon.
It's all done in jest so we dont get offended but if he just straight out told me I needed to shave he would be told to fuck off.

Applecrumble24 · 15/01/2021 11:21

@Same4Walls
Him shaving is him making an effort for me.
Also fwiw I do shave my legs and am a redhead 😂😂

daisyjgrey · 15/01/2021 11:22

I am firmly in the full beard camp.

The less shaving the better in my world.

Also, yes, you're being a berk.

Catty1720 · 15/01/2021 11:22

My god can you imagine if this was the other way round?? Would you shave if he told you too because he thought it was unattractive?
If it irritates you then perhaps say but you can’t expect him to shave.

Applecrumble24 · 15/01/2021 11:26

@Iwantacookie

I think it depends on the context. Dp likes to leave his facial hair until he looks quite unkempt. I always call him homeless when it gets to that stage but would never make him shave. Same works other way round, hell ask if I'm planning on plaiting my pubes anytime soon. It's all done in jest so we dont get offended but if he just straight out told me I needed to shave he would be told to fuck off.
Exactly
blackheartsgirl · 15/01/2021 11:27

I don't ask my dp to shave.
I like him with a bit of stubble anyway
He does shave for funerals and other events

SendMeHome · 15/01/2021 11:35

I encourage my DH not to shave; I love his stubble Grin

WhenPidgeonsCry · 15/01/2021 11:36

It's fine for you to prefer him clean-shaven. It's fine for him to not want to shave regardless of your preferences. If it's a deal-breaker for you then I'd guess your relationship is not that great anyway.

flatpack1 · 15/01/2021 11:44

@SendMeHome

I encourage my DH not to shave; I love his stubble Grin
Dont have a DH anymore but totally agree, loved his stubble
kittylion2 · 15/01/2021 11:45

My ex used to leave it a long time between shaving and stubble used to really irritate my skin - I got sick of having a rash all over my face because he couldn't be bothered shaving. I didn't tell him to shave, but I did point out my rash and explain why it was there. In the end I used to flinch when he came to kiss me - that annoyed him for some reason. Yes I can understand someone ASKING someone to shave their face if there is a problem like this.

(PS - he thought I was being unreasonable, I thought he was being unreasonable, we are now divorced.)

kittylion2 · 15/01/2021 11:46

Have to add, this was in a time when stubble wasn't considered as attractive as it is now.

unmarkedbythat · 15/01/2021 11:48

YABU. His body, his choice. You can prefer whatever you like, you don't get to demand he submit to your preferences. I'm sure my DH has preferences regarding my body hair, I don't know what they are as he is not wanker enough to demand I abide by them.

Godimabitch · 15/01/2021 11:50

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH asked me to shave ny part of my body because he didn't find me attractive.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 15/01/2021 11:59

@Same4Walls - I agree, that would be unacceptable if it was the other way around.

Icanseegreenshoots · 15/01/2021 11:59

I find beards disgusting and unattractive, and I DO remind my dh to shave. I can't bear him to kiss me otherwise. It is his choice shave and get kisses or not shave and I will run a mile!

YADNBU if I grew a beard he would definitely have something to say!!!!!! Grin

peak2021 · 15/01/2021 12:00

I am sorry to read that your DP thinks it's OK, as in my opinion it is an awful fashion/trend and only about 1% of men look stylish with one. There is however a difference between expressing an opinion (fine) and asking (which may come across as nagging or insisting) which I don't think is.

I hope it is not out of laziness and somehow letting appearance go because of the impact of Covid 19 restrictions on his feelings/mental health.

SquirtleSquad · 15/01/2021 12:02

Don't be a beard bitch

MustardMitt · 15/01/2021 12:05

@Winterwoollies

This is awful. If he demanded you shaved your vulva/pubic region daily, or even every four days, I bet you’d tell him to go jump. It’s a two way street.
Surely this is only relevant if she’d asked him to shave his balls.
Notjustanymum · 15/01/2021 12:06

I don’t know, OP. What’s your reason for asking him to shave? Does he have one of those beards that makes him look scruffy? Some men can pull off the stubble look and look quite groomed by merely not shaving, while others, like my DH, have a naturally raggedy beard growth which does make him look less groomed and more cba.
If I’m going somewhere “important” and I look less than my best, I wouldn’t take his feedback as “controlling” if he commented...

Icanseegreenshoots · 15/01/2021 12:08

I think HONESTY is a good thing. Op could keep quiet all the while gagging at the prospect of a kiss. So go op, state your preferences clearly and honestly :)

MustardMitt · 15/01/2021 12:09

This isn’t comparable to shaving legs, underarms or vulva. You’d have to compare her asking him to shave legs, underarms and balls.

She’s fine to ask and he’s fine to say no. She’s fine to not like it and he’s fine to say too bad.

Not sure why her asking has morphed into a demand.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 12:14

I don't think it's unreasonable unless he's expressed that he's growing a beard.
It's not like shaving pubes etc. It's basic personal grooming, like cutting your nails. If you left your fingernails to grow long and gnarly, or your toenails, or stopped brushing your hair, I bet he'd have something to say about it. It's largely culturally unacceptable to have a scruffy chin for a man in western society, so he needs to sort it out and either decide he doesn't like shaving and grow a full beard or get rid. People are making layoffs right left and centre right now and it doesn't take much to get noticed.
If he's telling you this is controlling, however, he has no leg to stand on next time he makes a comment about your appearance.

Calmandmeasured1 · 15/01/2021 12:17

As other Posters have said, how would you feel if your partner asked you to change something about your appearance because he didn't find it attractive?

Scarlettpixie · 15/01/2021 12:21

It does sound a bit controlling. What if he asked you to fix your hair and wear it down when you just wanted to wear it up in a ponytail or if he asked you to wear make up in the house when you didn’t unless you were going to work? Sometimes you want to be comfy/relax in your own home etc because we are in lockdown and have nowhere to go. That really should be ok.