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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my partner to shave 4 days plus since last shave?

143 replies

hugocat · 15/01/2021 10:46

Apparently I’m controlling when I ask my partner to shave . What do you think? I think it looks scruffy and I don’t find it attractive at all.

OP posts:
Baycob · 15/01/2021 15:40

Depends, I ask mine to shave because it causes me to have acne when he rubs up against me. And I like him shaved! I wouldn’t force him, but you can ask politely and have a conversation!

DH asks me not to wear my ohsocomfy oversized tracksuit bottoms because he says they are the most unsexy thing he has seen😂 it’s tongue and cheek and I still wear them occasionally 😂

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 15:42

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@Cokie3
I think it's very sad that a woman is told she is unreasonable for having a preference when it involves her comfort. To be told her comfort doesn't matter, imo, is quite controlling, and sexist.

Unless you're saying that any DH can tell his DW what to wear and how to have her hair, then its you who is being sexist.
I think most commentators understand that in the same way they wouldn't want or expect a man to tell them how to wear their hair inline with his own personal pleasure, you cant then say its ok for a DW to do it.
If you can only see it as controlling if a man does it to a woman than I think thats maybe you should look at.[/quote]
@Cheeseandwin5 Again, as others have said, how did ASK, suddenly become 'tell'? She isn't 'telling' him. She isn't 'ordering' him. She isn't drugging him or tying him up with the razor in her hand. She is simply ASKING him.

Since when did ASKING you partner to do something, for your comfort become 'telling' or 'controlling'? You can't compare hair, or legs or anything else. Facial hair hurts/grazes, it is very uncomfortable. A man won't get a rash from kissing a woman's pony tail, nor will he from kissing her leg. None of these comparisons make any sense at all, not even remotely, whatsoever. We are talking about a woman's comfort, and you are by proxy suggesting a woman should be forced to be uncomfortable and not address something that affects her comfort. In essence, you are suggesting the woman be submissive, and put up with it, that her comfort is not important. So yes, you and others, are indeed being sexist and controlling.

Littleposh · 15/01/2021 15:42

Because it looks horrible and I keep myself very well presented.

In your opinion . . .
Sorry but you are being unreasonable here

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 15:43

Are you no longer allowed to even ask your partner anything anymore? Or make a suggestion? If you're a woman, it seems not. Hmm

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 15:45

@Littleposh

Because it looks horrible and I keep myself very well presented.

In your opinion . . .
Sorry but you are being unreasonable here

If it makes her uncomfortable, she is not being unreasonable. Her comfort matters, too, you know. She is the one who has to kiss him, after all.
Uhhuhoyaye · 15/01/2021 15:48

The comfort argument is dangerous.

Pubic hair can be uncomfortable to the giver of oral sex.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 15:53

@Uhhuhoyaye

The comfort argument is dangerous.

Pubic hair can be uncomfortable to the giver of oral sex.

No, it is not 'dangerous'. No everyone even has oral sex. There are plenty of alternatives re sex. But none to kissing on the face/lips. Suggesting that it is like 'oral sex', as if many let alone everyone even engages in that is akin to it, is actually dangerous. To dismiss a woman who has to kiss on face/lips and dismiss her comfort and compare it to sex practices that most don't do, is dangerous.
imalmosthere · 15/01/2021 15:53

Wow. It is controlling and I feel bad for him.

Cokie3 · 15/01/2021 15:54

@Uhhuhoyaye

The comfort argument is dangerous.

Pubic hair can be uncomfortable to the giver of oral sex.

A comfort argument is never dangerous. To suggest a woman suffers a facial rash and suffers discomfort in silence, is extremely dangerous.
VanillaAndOrange · 15/01/2021 15:58

Want to swap? I am desperate for DH not to shave - but I don't keep going on about it, because it's his whiskers and I wouldn't want him telling me what to look like.

KathleenTurnerOverdrive · 15/01/2021 15:59

think it's very sad that a woman is told she is unreasonable for having a preference when it involves her comfort.

What about his comfort? Daily shaving leaves the skin sore and sensitive and dries it out. It also leads to nicks and cuts that then get opened up next day.

BumbleBiscuit · 15/01/2021 16:07

Imagine if a man had posted the same thing about his wife’s hair or some part of her body her wanted her to change!! You’d all be going bonkers. Mumsnet living up to its double standards as always.

Youdonut · 15/01/2021 16:07

You do realise that for plenty of men shaving their face frequently severely irritates their face, yeah?

I have PCOS so kinda a beard. Hair removal on your face, in the many different forms it can take, is very uncomfortable. And this is from someone who clearly very obviously wants rid of theirs. Thank goodness my OH doesn't ask me to get rid of it every 4 days.

Uhhuhoyaye · 15/01/2021 16:08

A woman doesn't have to kiss a man on his face. She may have to do so to be romantically or sexually fulfilled, but her partner is not obliged to romantically or sexually fulfil her.

That is why I think your argument is dangerous. It not only assumes sex is compulsory but if forces people to make their body comfortable for their partner. Naturally a considerate lover would do so, but to make it compulsory is dangerous and will not play out well for women.

Lilac95 · 15/01/2021 16:12

So you say stubble is nice but not this much and it’s been 4 days, is he chewbacca? 4 days is hardly any growth for most men and would class as stubble. Perhaps he doesn’t like shaving as often due to his skin, my partner had to shave daily due to work and his skin was red raw after 7 years of this. Now he has a beard and as much as I prefer him clean shaven I accept this is what he likes and that’s fine. This is controlling tbh, if he looked very unkempt and it has been weeks then fair enough to mention it.

Eckhart · 15/01/2021 16:13

@Cokie3

If it makes her uncomfortable, she is not being unreasonable. Her comfort matters, too, you know. She is the one who has to kiss him, after all

No she doesn't.

Idontbelieveit12 · 15/01/2021 16:15

YABU. It’s up to him how he looks.

I actually prefer it when my husband has longer stubble, it hurts when it is short and spiky.

BillMasen · 15/01/2021 16:17

@BumbleBiscuit

Imagine if a man had posted the same thing about his wife’s hair or some part of her body her wanted her to change!! You’d all be going bonkers. Mumsnet living up to its double standards as always.
There was this exact thread He was controlling, creepy, had a fetish and should be dumped. Apparently

Which was an overreaction

I wonder if this thread has posters who are keen to show there are no double standards so equally overreact to the op here. Rather do that than admit the other bloke isn’t a controlling creep?

Clearly I haven’t looked if the same people are across both threads though

OfficerHops · 15/01/2021 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

SimonJT · 15/01/2021 16:21

Partners body partners choice.

Its also a slippery slope to further controlling behaviour.

harknesswitch · 15/01/2021 16:24

His body, his choice

If my dh told me to cut my hair, as he didn't find my current style attractive, I'd tell him to do one. My body, my choice

VetiverAndLavender · 15/01/2021 16:26

Eh, asking when it's something he normally does, anyway, doesn't strike me as particularly "controlling". It's not like you're demanding he change some long-standing trait/fashion choice. Especially with something like stubble, which can be irritating to some women's skin.

It's not unreasonable to ask.

BakewellGin1 · 15/01/2021 16:27

I don't police when DH shaves etc just like he doesn't me...

I actually prefer him with stubble (not beard growing length) gives him a bit of a rough round the edges look Blush

But back on topic... Yes I do make an effort, as does he but if he 'told me' to shave I'd leave it on purpose purely because I won't be told what to do.

To be honest if i could 'tell' DH to do something I would think he was a total wet blanket

ThornAmongstRoses · 15/01/2021 16:37

I hate it when my DH stops regularly shaving. I don’t mind stubble but when it’s starting to look like he’s trying to grow a beard.

I would never tell him to shave or dictate to him how often he must shave but he knows that if he has a mini-beard then all kisses are off! Grin

It’s hurts way too much to kiss him with a spiky face!!! Not happening!

jessym · 15/01/2021 16:38

So, if this OP had read :

‘AIBU to ask my partner to shave her armpits? It’s been more than four days since she shaved. Apparently I’m controlling for asking her to shave, but I think hairy pits look unattractive. I’m a man, by the way’

Would lots of replies have said YANBU? Of course not, we all know he would have been torn apart.

MN really is the home of double standards.