To ask how to not waste your youth?

[youthbaderginsburg]

NCed. Sorry the thread title is a bit dark!

Some backstory - I'm in nearing my twenties and I feel like I haven't really had an interesting life yet, more that I'm wasting my youth. This was to a certain extent spurred on by the 90s thread where people were discussing what they were doing during the 90s and it was so vivid and youthful. I know nostalgia can change things in retrospect, but I don't feel like I'm really living. Probably worsened by lockdown.

Sorry I know this is post-adolescent melodrama, but I'm wondering what you would recommend to someone entering their twenties to try to ensure the decade isn't forgettable? I'm in a LTR so can't do the casual sex thing, and do my best to avoid drugs (which does kill some ideas ) but anything you could suggest would be great. I want to feel young rather than just kind of coasting along, if you see what I mean.

Sorry if this is odd. Just not sure where else to ask!

I think the answer will be different depending on what you want in life. Think about where you want to be at 30 and put some plans in place. Things like financial security make a huge difference if you want children.

Lockdown has limited a lot of the carefree lifestyle I had in my twenties so some of the advice won't be suitable. Absolutely travel and go on nights out and days out when we can do this again.

I would always say get an education and think about long term plans for jobs. Get work experience if you can, ask people what they like about their jobs. Education opens the door to new opportunities.

I noticed you said you don't really have friends and find people your age too dramatic. Find your tribe. They will be out there somewhere. Where do you meet the people you find dramatic? School? College? Look wider than that- shared interests. Friends were my support network in my twenties to do all the fun stuff like holidays/ travel/ nights out. I did an art class in my early 20s and met people from 30-70. I love my job now where my team range from teens to 60s. Totally different perspectives on life! Lots to learn from each other. Groups of friends are really good to get into as thry expand your network and you meet friends of theirs on nights out etc. That's how I met my husband!

Oh and work hard and take some risks with new jobs/ moves etc don't settle in a comfortable/ easy job you should be pushing your boundaries/ limits/ learning lots.

Don't squander it on men. Lesson fucking learned!

Don't think what you see on line as real or common, the only People who commented on other thread were ones who had something to say while others stayed quiet you sent unusual most people live unexciting lives

Comparison is the thief of joy

Don't have kids young
Get on property ladder ASAP
Travel and live abroad
Make many friends and nurture good relationships
Don't spend time with friends or family that don't enhance your life
Get therapy

Save 20% of income, education, qualifications.
Travelling is great but you can do it later 30's 40's.
Build a foundation first.

I'm still in my twenties (not for too long though, I'm 28!)

Has been said a thousand times, but... travel!!!! I can't stay I traveled a LOT, but I did live and study in two foreign countries and it was bliss. I met so many people and had so much fun. Unfortunately I could've had so much more fun but I wasted my time in a dead end relationship.
Buy a house if you can. This is also the reason why we didn't travel a lot, we tried to get a small mortgage and we managed
Daily sunscreen and proper skincare
Don't give a shit about other people think of you - none of your business. This took YEARS to understand but now that I finally know that, life is so much better
Save money. Having a savings account and safety net was really important to me/us
Find a good job

Is your open relationship good for you? You started by saying you couldn't do casual sex because you were in a relationship, then said it was an open relationship. Makes me wonder whether it's more open for him than it is for you...?

I only ask, because if I could change one thing about my 20s it would be to not stay in a bad relationship because I was scared to be on my own.

My biggest tip would be to worry less about the future and just live in the now. Eat out when you want to, travel last minute, live with mates or round the corner from mates etc.

I had (and still have to some extent) chronically low self esteem. So instead of really enjoying my care free 20s I spent them worried I didnt have a boyfriend, or that I would never own a home.

At 35 I now own a really nice house, am married, have two kids and a few years ago changed career to something I really enjoy.

I look back on my 20s with so much regret now I have so much responsibility (I want the responsibility at this age so not moaning about that) that I didnt take advantage of not having any.

I wish I would have had more faith that things would work out and just enjoy myself.

Oh and travel. I only really started once I got together with DH late 20s and by then we sort of run out of time as marriage and housing came along quite soon.

Don’t have kids

@FolkyFoxFace - I agree. I'm also 31 and have never been the kind to care for wild parties, drugs and certainly not ONS. There seems to be this idea that unless you did crazy stuff in your youth, you've wasted it or missed out and honestly, it really isn't for everyone.

Luckily, I think the culture is different where I grew up. Travel is very, VERY costly so isn't an option until you establish a career so that's where most people focus their efforts in their 20s. Also, casual dating and ONS as well as binge drinking and drugs are just not as prevalent. There's definitely clubbing and what we call 'fetes' and things of that nature but I've found most of my group at least, from our early 20s onwards, preferred nights out at restaurants or a day at the pool, board game nights, beach days and eventually travel. We're probably just a boring bunch but in our 30s, I think it's paid off.

Sorry, fell asleep last night and then had a lot of studying today! Reading and appreciating all responses though 😊

Is your open relationship good for you? You started by saying you couldn't do casual sex because you were in a relationship, then said it was an open relationship. Makes me wonder whether it's more open for him than it is for you...?

Honestly? It's for me, but I'm not sure if it's necessarily what I want to do. He could take it or leave it either way, I think a lot of my choices are pushed by FOMO and so I'm debating whether it's something I actually want or something I think I should want. That's the truth.
But no, he's lovely and not out to be a bastard as far as I can see!

Don’t have kids

This seems to be a common (ish) response. Can I ask why?

But since I'm on the topic of boring advice that pays off in the future:

• Good skincare. Nothing expensive, just some sunscreen, a good cleanser, moisturiser and some retinol...maybe Vitamin C. You can use the expensive stuff later but at least you won't have a ton of damage to contend with then.

• Save. Even a little. It adds up and motivates you to save more when you see that little number grow. And invest if you can. Nothing fancy but maybe put your money into a mutual fund or a couple well-performing stock and LEAVE it there.

• Think about housing. It's honestly only getting to get harder as we get older to afford a house. Find something cheap that maybe needs work and hold on to it until you find the money to make it what you want. If you only begin to think about housing in 10 years, you will find that what you could have afforded in your 20s is probably outside your budget mid-30s.

• And it sounds boring but think about building a career. If you look to do so in your 30s, it will take years to really pay off and you will be contending with kids, marriage and a house then so will have enough on your plate. Your 20s is a good time to put in the extra hours to really build your skills and reputation as you don't have children or a husband to hurry home to. Ofc, you may not care about this so make of that what you will.

• Relationship-wise, I'm no use there. Met DP at 22, started dating at almost 23 and while some people are happy about the ONS and dating around, I never cared for it despite quite a bit of male attention when I was younger. Dating was tedious at times because young men can be immature and it was just exhausting to contend with. I am actually happy that my 20s involved building a steady, very happy relationship.

So yes, all very boring, pragmatic stuff but I don't have any regrets and some of those decisions are paying off now. It really is about where your priorities lie.

This seems to be a common (ish) response. Can I ask why?

Because spontaneously living life is almost impossible, babysitters need to be booked, food in the fridge etc. Hangovers are a million times harder with small children prodding you in the face and demanding breakfast...

This seems to be a common (ish) response. Can I ask why?

I think most people mean don't have children young, rather than not have them at all. I absolutely agree. The best things I did in my twenties, and the freedom to up and move countries or lives would have been absolutely impossible with children.

So I'm 44. I've definitely got a few regrets about my 20s but a lot of things were good....

If you do live at home don't outstay your welcome like I felt I did!

I left by 24, had planned to leave earlier but couldn't afford to rent any sooner; so every night after work I went home to fights with my dad, luckily we're now good friends.

Have you been to uni? If not then go because a good degree will open doors.
Something vocational that you enjoy that will help you in a well paid career.
I went to train to be a Staff Nurse in the nearest town at 24 because I'd had enough of boring min wage temporary office jobs.

Get decent careers advice! I didn't & I don't recommend being a Staff Nurse, although I did it for 8 years..
I should've been a Physio or OT. Better paid & less stress & more respected.

Also don't be stubborn & stay in a job with bitchy people like I did - on my first ward I put up with all sorts from certain older Nurses when I should have moved wards.

Friends will come & go & the good ones will stay.
I regret some of the toxic friends I had from home. Mainly young men who were almost like bullies basically. I should have ditched them far sooner than I did.
But I'm still friends with 2 girls from school, they're like sisters & I glad I made the effort to stay mates after I moved.
I also have a good friend from uni who I would go clubbing in Ibiza with.
I made other friends at uni but I didn't have enough in common with them so we drifted.
Now I have friends I've made who I've worked with for years on various wards.

I agree with traveling, either travel or have lots of good holidays & city breaks, really explore the culture of other places.
My first ever foreign holiday was a girls holiday aged 24 to Mallorca & we had a great laugh plus the beach was lovely.

I had lots of wild nights out in my 20s, took a few drugs, got far too drunk & had a lot of boyfriends short term, basically I was a party girl, but what I really wanted was to fall in love & have a child.

Well, having a 'party girl' rep is the best way to put off the nicer men trust me.

If you really really want children then plan for it once you have a career that hopefully will accommodate them.
Look for a man you love, don't settle, if you don't fall in love then have a child alone & keep trying to find the right man.

Never be 'the other woman' that way heartache lies.

DON'T SMOKE & cut right down on drinking. I'm going to say don't take drugs. I mean ok I did a bit but don't.

I started my NHS pension at 24 when I was working pt as an HCA while doing my Nurse training & have continued to pay into it.

I really recommend starting a pension young. My mum is 71 and regrets not saving for her old age.

I used spf15 moisturiser from age 19 plus spf30 I ghd summer & I still have really young skin.

Past 25 the weight will start to creep on if you don't watch out.
I didn't watch out and now my life is all about calorie counting yawn.

Never get in too much debt because it can really restrict your life.
Save any spare cash even a tenner a month for a rainy day fund.

Finally if you still have parents, grandparents or older relatives then chat to them & ask them the questions about their lives that one day you won't be able to ask.
Appreciate their company if they're not toxic.

The best things I did in my 20’s were university, living and working abroad and nights out with friends. I also trained for my career and saved some money.

Remember that this life isn't a dress rehearsal, it's the real thing. Don't make decisions to keep other people happy and don't be afraid of making radical changes

I think what Dr Meg Jay said on why 30 is not the new 20: basically try out new things that add value to who you are personally, professionally, and in all other ways you want, actively look to open your social circle and strengthen your weak ties and you're now moving into a position of being able to pick your family so consider wisely.

From my personal perspective, I wouldn't worry about making your 20s is 'unforgettable'. Things that are novel are more likely to be remembered than routines -- but then I've been to so 'making memories' capital Disney World and barely remember it. You really have little control over what you remember, and just because we don't remember it doesn't make it a waste. Really, I find it better to be present in my getting into late 30s than thinking back.

I'd focus on trying new things that make you who you want to be and don't try to fit who you should be.I immigrated at 17, married at 18, had my first 10 months later - most of the advice on travel doesn't appeal to me at all possibly from traveling a lot as a child and I grew up with addicts & didn't try alcohol until I was 30 and stopped trying to find one I like a few years later. My 20s were probably comparatively boring to a lot of people, but they put me on the path to where I am now.

There are benefits to waiting until later to have children - a common 'golden zone' with the least risks (though it isn't the cliff on either side that the media sometimes portrays) is 24-34. I've thought on the benefits of having my children later purely from a biological perspective - I likely would have had fewer complications and on-going health problems if I'd been 24 or so before starting to have children. The downside is my children would have fewer or no memories of the family members that have died, they would have been much younger or not born yet. I accepted I took a risk and my family and I enjoy the benefits even if I deal with some of the negative consequences too. It's all responsibility, risk, and benefits to weigh up against each other.

Really, the only things I regret is pretty much what Dr Jay talks about - immigrating made me isolated and I wish I'd focused more on building social ties and building a wider range of skills (particularly around my health, finding ways you enjoy to take care of yourself can make a world of difference, and as discussed on in this Ted Talk the value of strength training, open-ended hobbies, and building kindness for later life is good to start building early). I'm working on those now, there is always time to improve, but I think I would have benefitted doing those sooner though I think I did pretty well balancing immigrating, young family, disabilities, and everything as I did.

study and travel.
invest in a career that you will enjoy.
and travel. when you get old and grumpy travel seems less fun. not the same for everyone.
it would be good to balance the travel with saving. so look at the little things you buy that are not important and try to swap to saving some money. work towards getting an emergency fund and possibly the start of a house deposit.

@PumpkinPieAlibi I agree with everything you said in both of your posts. It's definitely nice to see this 'other side' reflected here, too. I remember being in university and at things like Freshers Week, the going out clubbing and living on the wild side was so heavily pushed everywhere you turned...I feel quite sorry for a lot of young people sometimes, because in those scenarios they often don't get given a balanced view. Not wanting to go out and go crazy was considered boring, but if someone genuinely doesn't like doing that it's an awful lot of pressure to live with.

I'm rambling terribly, but in the spirit of the thread what I'm trying to get at I suppose, is that there's no "right way" to be or "right thing" to do. It really does depend on personality!

@Changemaname1

I was going to say don’t get tied into a ltr 😂

Ok so travel ! Travel and more travel . When you can

This

Travel, don’t get tied down and don’t get pregnant!

Learn, a new instrument, a new language, a new sport, anything and keep learning.

Also never ever give the tiniest shit what anyone thinks of you. Improve for yourself and do not change to suit anyone else.

Enjoy life!

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I wish I’d had my dc in my twenties rather than waiting until my thirties. I’m not sure I’d advise anyone to have dc in their 20s but it’s just what I would do differently if I had my time again. But I hadn’t met dh then, and I absolutely wouldn’t have wanted to be tied up with any of the plonkers I knew back then 😂

I’d also put more focus on sound financial planning, and save earlier and more diligently for a deposit to get on the property ladder.

Partying and clubbing always seem better from the outside than in reality- I’m sure if I hadn’t done them I’d feel I’d missed out. But honestly meh.

And I think travelling in your 50s is a better experience than backpacking and hosteling in your 20s.

But I’m clearly in the minority.

Go and live in another country, learn another language. Ths best way to do this is to get a job as an au pair or teaching English. My au pair year was the best of my life! Decide what language you'd like to learn; start learning it now in lockdown and then apply for au pair jobs. Or do a TEFL course and try to get a teaching job abroad. You might have to put your LTR on hold for a bit but if you're meant to be then you'll get back together evetually. From living abroad for a year lots of things will follow.

Or if a year is too daunting, apply for Camp America for the summer. You'll have fun and meet lots of different people (and probably shag people) and your world will open up.