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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to not waste your youth?

157 replies

youthbaderginsburg · 13/01/2021 22:40

NCed. Sorry the thread title is a bit dark!

Some backstory - I'm in nearing my twenties and I feel like I haven't really had an interesting life yet, more that I'm wasting my youth. This was to a certain extent spurred on by the 90s thread where people were discussing what they were doing during the 90s and it was so vivid and youthful. I know nostalgia can change things in retrospect, but I don't feel like I'm really living. Probably worsened by lockdown.

Sorry I know this is post-adolescent melodrama, but I'm wondering what you would recommend to someone entering their twenties to try to ensure the decade isn't forgettable? I'm in a LTR so can't do the casual sex thing, and do my best to avoid drugs (which does kill some ideas Grin) but anything you could suggest would be great. I want to feel young rather than just kind of coasting along, if you see what I mean.

Sorry if this is odd. Just not sure where else to ask!

OP posts:
NancyPickford · 14/01/2021 00:20

I should have addred:
travel
read
see films
read books
make friends
go to concerts
try stuff

katy1213 · 14/01/2021 00:23

You don't need the LTR - plenty more fish in the sea later on. Do not under any circumstances get pregnant by LTR. Never let any man limit your horizons.
Travel - but get a head start in a serious career so you can afford to travel in style when budget hotels lose their appeal, which they soon will.
Make shrewd financial decisions now so you'll still be having fun when you're 60, which will happen sooner than you ever thought possible.
Read - look at paintings - see plays - listen to music - fill your mind with the things that will keep you going when times occasionally get tough. Which they will.

pinkprosseco · 14/01/2021 00:26

Don't get tied into a relationship with a 'man' who actually still just wants his mum to do everything for him and you become a substitute. Enjoy life, be independent and care free.

TitInATrance · 14/01/2021 08:01

Sorry, went to sleep ... I wasn’t open to the possibility of meeting someone who could offer me a more traditional partnership, children, full emotional support; I had to be very independent as his attention was divided and inconsistent.
At the same time, when my friends went travelling for years and career opportunities were available elsewhere I wasn’t open to any of that either, I stayed close because I loved him.
It didn’t end well. Someone else fell pregnant.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/01/2021 08:08

If you have a dream go for it and make it happen. Don't waste your time with charming losers.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/01/2021 08:13

Yeah, travel. I had a few good trips but wish I'd done more. We have savings accounts for our DC, and while it's up to them to decide how they'll use them once they reach adulthood, my hope is they'll use it to see the world.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/01/2021 08:14

I was going to suggest not getting into a LTR or having kids until you're in at least your late 20s but its a bit late for that Grin.

Think the worst way to waste your youth is to chase pointless relationships. The best piece of advice I could ever give a young woman is to stay single.

Ilovemaisie · 14/01/2021 08:20

Everyone saying 'travel travel travel' - I am really curious how that was all paid for. How could you afford it?
When I was 19/20 I was working but it was barely minimum wage (that didn't exist then - but it was pretty much the equivalent).
Anyway.... what I really look back on at what I wish I had done at that age that I now regret I didn't is -

  • Learn to drive and get a car. So many more opportunities (jobs, educational/social) would have been available to me if I could have actually got to these places).
  • be proud of personal interests no matter if they seem a bit 'weird' to others. If YOU find something interesting and enjoyable don't give a toss what others think (in this internet age it's probably easier to find other people with that interest too).
  • Socialise/join groups more. I got very into a mind set of work has finished = go home (although the lack of car didn't help there).
Mummadeeze · 14/01/2021 08:24

For me, it was all about enjoying the freedom of being selfish. I had time and money to devote to purely making myself happy which completely changes after having children and slowing down. So it was about saying yes to every opportunity, taking myself shopping and developing an eccentric and unique style that I could wear with pride (no such thing as being over dressed). Writing and reading a lot, watching arty films, doing random and fun courses for the hell of it (E.g. performing songs from musicals, the history of television documentaries, badminton lessons). Being open to chat with people. I once went on a date once with a semi famous artist I got talking to on the tube. He took me out to dinner as soon as we got off at the same station. And going to music festivals created some of my favourite memories. Also living in a house share with a bunch of young people. I think mainly be open to new experiences and seek them out as much as you can.

CherryRoulade · 14/01/2021 08:24

Work hard, play hard.
Get strong qualifications before children. Save as much as possible and live frugally.
Travel rather than accept package holidays. Take risks. Do things outside your comfort zone. Travel can be in U.K. rather than Mexico or Peru.
Dance a lot.
Give. Find something that is a fun and interesting way to be altruistic and gives to society but gives you challenges- Crisis at Christmas, Climate change activism, Mountain rescue, whatever you’re interested in. Worry about others more than yourself; be idealistic.
Engage with politics through reading and discussion. Decide what is important to you. Get to know yourself.

comebacksinging · 14/01/2021 08:26

At risk of people thinking I'm some sort of sock puppet (which has happened) - I am also a (late) teenager!

This thread has been really helpful because this sort of thing has been playing on my mind too. But the biggest piece of advice I've been given is: take no shit, and do not do more than your comfortable with. (That's two things, but you know what I mean!)

jamie980 · 14/01/2021 08:33

I always felt like I’d missed out not travelling / doing the gap year thing in my teens/early 20s, I was very career focused instead. But that career means I can now, in my 30s, travel (or could when restrictions allowed) in a way I wouldn’t have been able to afford to then (not talking super luxury, just somewhere a bit nicer to stay and enough spending money to actually make the most of the destination when I’m there. So don’t worry if it’s not happening for you now! You still have plenty of time on your side

jamie980 · 14/01/2021 08:36

Agree with a PP too about music festivals too if that’s your thing! So many amazing memories and friendships made at them over the years

Songsofexperience · 14/01/2021 08:43

@Notimeforaname

Here's all the advice you need op!! Grin

Wow, I remember this one! I hadn't heard it in ages. Gave me chills... As a 41 year old I can say the advice IS very good! Smile

Key advice from me would be to realise that you never 'waste' anything and youth is just a matter of perspective. FOMO is not your friend. There is always something to be learned from every experience, even boredom. The point is to realise what is valuable in each moment. Live in the present, always.

AmIAWeed · 14/01/2021 08:47

I had my first child at 18 and second at 20 so I often feel I 'wasted' my youth but actually it just made me grown up really quickly.
It wasn't really till my 30's I started making choices I was proud of, and I've been thinking if i'd want my kids to follow in my footsteps or not so I would say:

Do what you believe in - don't give your time because you think you should or everyone else is doing something.

Meditate or learn to soak in the experience. It's great doing things but if it's constant you wont really have time to reflect and really savour.

Try to avoid commitments - my kids are almost old enough to stay at home for us to have weekends away - and we have 2 dogs, whom I love but piss all over spontaneity! In 10 years time they wont be replaced until I've got my fill of going places at the drop of a hat.

In terms of travel, don't just think overseas. I would LOVE a motorhome and tour the UK. I want to go fossil hunting, to the Eden project, I want to go hill walking in Wales and the Lake district, I want to go to caves and the highlands - explore the UK beaches. I want to eat all the good food I see along the way and I want to do it with no timescale - like go somewhere and if its a let down (Stone Henge looking at you) just move on, but if you find a fab little town or village and want to stay a month you do that.

Don't think that owning a big house is vital - we're very fortunate to have a house (with a mortgage) but it's a very small mortgage. The house is just big enough for us and when the kids move out we'll downsize so we'll hopefully always have money to enjoy as opposed to a big building where the repayments keep us up at night.

Walk away from any situation that makes you unhappy.

IamTomHanks · 14/01/2021 08:58

Number 1: Don't get stuck in a LTR too young. Have plenty of casual sex and relationships. Get your heart broken by a hot, playboy (after lots of wild sex). Don't settle down until you're sure you'll never wonder what it would be like to have a role in the hay with the guy with 6 pack abs down the street, or what having sex with a woman would be like, or whatever floats your boat.

Number 2: Get your secondary/vocational whatever education out of the way in your early 20's. You don't want to have to do it in your 30's when you've got kids.

Number 3: Travel. Travel. Travel.

Number 4: Don't waste time worrying about what you look like or thinking you don't measure up. Flaunt what you got, because when you're 40 you're going to look back and say "ya know what, I was gorgeous and I don't know why I didn't realize that then, I wish I'd spent less time worrying about what I looked like and more time enjoying my body when it didn't hurt to get out of bed in the morning" .

IamTomHanks · 14/01/2021 09:01

Everyone saying 'travel travel travel' - I am really curious how that was all paid for. How could you afford it?

I took a job teaching English is South Korea after I graduated. They paid of the flights over, I made good money, and when you're in Asia it's a lot cheaper to travel around Asia.

When you're in your 20's there are loads of opportunities to get work/travel visas. Take them!

Tiny2222 · 14/01/2021 09:11

Travel, date around, keep your standards high but experiment, try new looks, get a fun job! Do some writing, play around with social media, stay on birth control!!! Lol

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 14/01/2021 09:16

Don't have children young, and take contraception seriously.

As much as they are a joy they take your life onto a different path. A path you can still do at 30. Nothing changes you've just had 10 good years of spending time with mates and enjoying yourself.

Put money away now for a house deposit, small amounts add up and it'll be easier when you do want to start seriously saving if you already have some back up.

Don't be afraid of starting over. If you get to 22 and think your OH is not for you anymore. Then change it, don't get stuck being unhappy for the fear of change.

Oh - and sex gets wayyyyyy better. Don't ever fake an orgasm Grin

UnconsideredTrifles · 14/01/2021 09:40
  1. You have spent most of your life being controlled, to some extent, by your parents. Do not let somebody else step in to fill that void (or let your parents keep occupying it!) Breaking up with a lovely long-term boyfriend who had no desire to travel was one of the best decisions I made in my 20s.
  1. Have a plan for how you want your future to look, and figure out how to get there, but don't be afraid to change the plan if it turns out to suck (I trained for 5 years for a career I left after 1 year. Life is too short.)
  1. If something really matters to you, make it a priority. I really wanted to travel, but was afraid I'd never do it, so I set an arbitrary date to leave on and made that concrete (I ended up leaving a day early).
  1. Now is the time to grab everything life offers (including rest) because if you ever have children, you're going to have to put yourself on the back burner for a few years.
  1. 30s are pretty good too, don't waste a moment of your life wishing you'd done things differently.
Ilovemaisie · 14/01/2021 09:43

IamTomHanks ah to me that doesn't make me think 'travel' - that's just having a job in another country !!
Plus when you only have half a dozen not great GCSEs getting a job abroad really isnt that simple. Sorry but this obsession with 'travel' could be quite overwhelming and demotivating for a lot of people age 19/20. For most it simply isn't an easy opportunity. The cost of getting a passport is difficult for many.

Ilovemaisie · 14/01/2021 09:44

Travelling around the UK though.... definitely. Appreciate and learn about your own country.

bilbodog · 14/01/2021 09:59

Ive always regretted not getting more qualifications and going to uni. I never knew what i wanted to do so drifted out of school with crap gcses, ended up in secretarial college. But i did realise in my early 20s that i needed to move to london to have a chance at better jobs and did end up working in the middle east and new York before getting married and having children. So i second travel. But realise the better job you have the more choices it gives you, particularly later on if you do have children. Good luck!

Valkadin · 14/01/2021 10:23

I did a lot of studying and going out with women friends. I was also a trade union activist and involved with women’s rights and black workers rights at a regional level.

One of of my friends was impossibly glamorous and worked as a model so we had a couple, of years of going to parties in London. I did date a bit but having a BF always seemed like a hinderance and I didn’t have the time.

Not bothering to get loved up and settle down was the best decision. I also saved invested and took out a pension aged 21 when I got my first proper job.

Cluas · 14/01/2021 10:27

@Ilovemaisie

IamTomHanks ah to me that doesn't make me think 'travel' - that's just having a job in another country !! Plus when you only have half a dozen not great GCSEs getting a job abroad really isnt that simple. Sorry but this obsession with 'travel' could be quite overwhelming and demotivating for a lot of people age 19/20. For most it simply isn't an easy opportunity. The cost of getting a passport is difficult for many.
Well, what do you mean by 'travel' -- are you thinking of lying on a beach in the Seychelles or something, or spending a year backpacking with copious funds?

That is probably out of the range of many young people, yes, but it's ridiculous to say that other methods of travelling aren't.

A UK passport currently costs £75.50 that is not an impossible sum to save. I saved up for mine no one in my family had ever had a passport -- from a PT job while I was still at school, and the first time I left the country was as an au pair to a family in the South of France, with not-great school French, just after I sat my final school exams. That was just for a summer to replace their au pair who'd had to leave early, and while it required stuff of me I'd never before had to draw on, as I was a timid, working-class teenager who'd barely left my home city, it was a wonderful time, and as I had almost no expenses, I saved enough money to travel around part of Italy by train, sleeping in hostels, at the end of the summer. This required no qualifications other than buying a passport and joining some au pair link agency which cost about a tenner.

Then I spent my first summer after starting university in Paris -- I just showed up, slept in a hostel for a few nights and got a job off the noticeboard at the American Church (pre-internet) that included accommodation in a convent, and got another PT job in a bureau de change. I made some good friends that summer, and had a blast.

The next summer I saved up and went to the US with friends on a J1 summer work visa which allowed me to work in the US and also covered a flight and cost a few hundred pounds which I'd saved from PT work throughout the year and we all worked three jobs and had saved enough money to travel around the US for a few weeks at the end.

The summer after that four of us bought an Interrail ticket and busked (with varying success) around Europe -- that was on a tiny budget, as we'd all just done Finals and had stopped working PT, and was quite squalid at times, and we came home thinner than we'd set out, but fabulous. And then spent the rest of the summer working in a London hotel (I'm not from the UK). That was the summer I turned 21.

Other than the J1, which was only open to students and cost a few hundred pounds (in part because flights were far more expensive back then), none of that required more than a passport and scraping together the cost of a flight or ferry, and an average amount of gumption. I wasn't any kind of special teenager - I'd barely left my home county, we were poor, and no one in my family had ever left the country (or gone to university), and I wasn't confident or extrovert -- but I knew there was more to life than what I'd seen.

The internet now makes it way easier to research cheap ways of going abroad, volunteering or working etc.