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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel offended when DH suggests a cleaner

107 replies

borageforager · 13/01/2021 17:52

Give me a boot up the arse over this!

DH & I have always had differing ideas of what a clean family house looks like - my ‘lived in family home’ is basically his ‘squalid slum’... I promise you that our house is perfectly normal & nobody would think we lived in a dirty or chaotic home, but it isn’t a show home. I don’t relish cleaning & would happily never do it, & we have a big old house that takes quite a bit of cleaning...

So DH has had a pay increase & suggests getting a cleaner to come once a week (lockdown permitting) & for some reason I feel offended?! I earn about 10% of his salary, & carry the majority of the domestic burden of 3 kids, admin etc, & I think I feel guilty at not ‘pulling my weight’ by doing the cleaning as well. But I don’t do the cleaning as much as some people (like DH!) would do, & I don’t want to... so I need to get over this feeling!

OP posts:
GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 13/01/2021 17:58

Get a cleaner. We have a cleaner though theoretically I could do it (or DH) could do it as we run our own business from home and can be quite flexible. Not going to though, and nor should you. Your DH wants to lighten your load. Let him.

Atrixie · 13/01/2021 17:59

Don’t see the problem. You don’t like cleaning, get a cleaner

mildlymiffed · 13/01/2021 18:00

Get a cleaner. I promise it'll make you happy. Tuesdays are the best day of the week after mine has been (and I have a tiny house- but hate cleaning so pay!!!)

Original poster
borageforager · 13/01/2021 18:01

Just realised how insensitive this could seem - total #firstworldproblems, & I know we are really fortunate to be financially secure in this climate (DH is a doctor) & able to consider optional spending like a cleaner. I hope it doesn’t distress anyone.

OP posts:
TallFriendlyGinger · 13/01/2021 18:03

It sounds like it would make both your lives a lot easier, if he's willing to pay for it I don't see the need to get upset, although I understand why your pride is hurt a little. He has a higher standard of clean and tidy and is willing to compromise with you by hiring a cleaner, perfect solution to me.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/01/2021 18:04

Get over it and give the man a medal for taking work off your hands.

sausagepastapot · 13/01/2021 18:04

It is a bit insensitive yes but I do see where you're coming from.

You absolutely should get a cleaner and it is the best thing I have ever done.

Jobsharenightmare · 13/01/2021 18:04

Hi OP. I think your husband has higher standards and I know for me, it doesn't feel nice to live in lower standards because my other half doesn't share my view of what home should be like. It can be quite a buzz kill to look around and see things that seem to be invisible to him or he isn't bothered about cleaning/ tidying wise.

So if you have the means to pay for a cleaner it is really a win-win as you don't like cleaning and he isn't happy with the lack of it as things stand so will be happier too.

Diverseduvet · 13/01/2021 18:05

Dont see any problem with this.

Daphnise · 13/01/2021 18:06

You have strongly implied you do not keep the place clean, and presumably your husband is fed up with this.

So a cleaner is the answer.

If you experience guilt, this can easily be assuaged by cleaning the house properly yourself.

namechangefail2020 · 13/01/2021 18:07

I felt the same but I gave in to my pride and never looked back!

listsandbudgets · 13/01/2021 18:11

Let him get a cleaner. It will ease your load, give a few hours employment to someone who needs it and if you get a good one I promise they will bring you joy.

No need to feel offended - why spend your time doing something you don't enjoy when you can get someone else to do it for you without compromising your own lifestyle?

FTMF30 · 13/01/2021 18:11

You do need a boot up the arse! I would love a cleaner.

I think women too often downplay how significant a job carrying and birthing children are. You also seem to be doing the significant share of raising them too. You are absolutely pulling your weight! I also don't blame you for not enjoying cleaning up with three children. I can clean the whole house and it can somehow look like a shit storm within 1hr, and thats just with me, DH and one toddler.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2021 18:12

It can be very hard when 2 people who live together have different ideas about what a clean house is. I am a very tidy person, and my home is always "company ready", (even though we never have company!), and I'm honestly not saying this to brag at all. This is simply how I need my environment to be in terms of my mental health. Clutter and disorganization make me very unsettled and anxious. Thankfully, my husband is the same way. I could never live with a messy person, and he couldn't either.

If your husband is wanting a cleaner, and you don't like cleaning, why say no? It might make your life a lot easier.

LizFlowers · 13/01/2021 18:14

Don't be offended, grab the opportunity to employ a cleaner, it is no reflection on you. Many would do the same if they could afford it and your husband is prepared to pay so - let him! I used to have one fortnightly when I was a working mum and it was pure joy.

Mercedes519 · 13/01/2021 18:16

So you will be:
a) giving someone much needed employment
B) allowing a professional to use their skill to do a job better than you
C) having more energy to devote to you and your family
D) your DH enjoys a standard of home that he wants but (rightly) doesn’t expect you to maintain.

Feels like a win to me Grin

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/01/2021 18:17

Get the cleaner you wont look back!
When I split with ex dp I could no longer afford her , I tell you what I miss her 100 times more than I miss him !

senua · 13/01/2021 18:17

Give me a boot up the arse over this!
Be constructive and proactive. Tell us what you are going to do with this extra time that you will have on your hands.

GypsyLee · 13/01/2021 18:18

Pass him a cloth, he should be doing his share.
He'd obviously rather pay someone else as cleaning is obviously women's work. Yuk! I'd smack him one tbh.

PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2021 18:19

Get the cleaner! Pay a fair wage. Your house will be clean and someone will be employed.

Once they start, you will love them.

Nohomeschoolingtoday · 13/01/2021 18:21

I was very hesitant about getting a cleaner...I dislike cleaning - had a ‘clean’ house but maybe not show room tidy. My husband likes a tidy clean house but is lazy. So eventually I caved - wish I had done it sooner, I like Wednesday now house is clean and tidy. I keep it tidier as I want the cleaner to clean. We not overly wealthy or in a high income bracket but more than happy to pay for a cleaner - means I have time at the weekend to spend with kids.

BlueSussex · 13/01/2021 18:22

I hate housework, I would bite his hand off.

Oly4 · 13/01/2021 18:24

Get a cleaner. The answer is obvious! And will cause less arguments as DH will be getting what he wants

1Morewineplease · 13/01/2021 18:24

Get a cleaner.

TheWernethWife · 13/01/2021 18:25

*So you will be:
a) giving someone much needed employment
B) allowing a professional to use their skill to do a job better than you
C) having more energy to devote to you and your family
D) your DH enjoys a standard of home that he wants but (rightly) doesn’t expect you to maintain.

Feels like a win to me*

Go for it