Feel offended when DH suggests a cleaner

[borageforager]

Give me a boot up the arse over this!

DH & I have always had differing ideas of what a clean family house looks like - my ‘lived in family home’ is basically his ‘squalid slum’... I promise you that our house is perfectly normal & nobody would think we lived in a dirty or chaotic home, but it isn’t a show home. I don’t relish cleaning & would happily never do it, & we have a big old house that takes quite a bit of cleaning...

So DH has had a pay increase & suggests getting a cleaner to come once a week (lockdown permitting) & for some reason I feel offended?! I earn about 10% of his salary, & carry the majority of the domestic burden of 3 kids, admin etc, & I think I feel guilty at not ‘pulling my weight’ by doing the cleaning as well. But I don’t do the cleaning as much as some people (like DH!) would do, & I don’t want to... so I need to get over this feeling!

Get the cleaner OP

I'm like you, OP. Or was. My house wasn't dirty or untidy, but it wasn't as sparkly as some of my friends' places. Also I don't get any sort of buzz from cleaning, so did an adequate job of it, but no more.

We got a cleaner when serious health issues made life very stressful and when house work was just a responsibility and stress too far. And OMG, what a difference it made. I still have one even though that reason no longer applies, and I love the way she leaves the house gleaming, and my bed made like a hotel bedroom!

Unlike me, my cleaner gets a real buzz from leaving a home looking shiny and new. So we're both happy!

My DP has suggested a cleaner multiple times because his friends have one and his parents always did growing up (both parents worked FT). I always feel a bit offended and like I'm not "doing my job" but that's because I actually enjoy cleaning, I do it a lot and I'm good at it. But DP can't keep anything clean (wouldn't think to pick up a cloth and wipe the worktop after cooking) so it's annoying bc I keep the house clean but he doesn't at all. But if I didn't like doing the cleaning I would definitely get a cleaner. I don't think you should be offended because you don't like it and don't really do it? So he is saying you don't do enough but he's right and you've said as much. In that case I'd be delighted he's offering a cleaner and to pay for it.

Haven’t hoovered since the 90s, which makes me v happy and appreciative.

Get one. Will make DH happy and thus life easier.

Please can we swap husbands? I can give you one who prefers the lived in look.

In your shoes, I would be offended, too, OP. Can't your husband help out with the cleaning & tidying that he seems to be so keen on?

Why would you be offended? Is cleaning woman's work???

I would love it if DH agreed to a cleaner. Unfortunately we’re perpetually skint but if we could I’d jump at the chance - offended wouldn’t cross my mind,

I do however fully acknowledge that I’m shit at housework, will avoid and procrastinate at all costs because I hate it and it gives me zero satisfaction. It’s right up there on the list of things that would make me very happy and make my life easier!

Get a cleaner! It doesn't mean you never have to tidy up agin but someone cleaning the kitchen bathroom hoovering etc is marvellous.

Pay living wage, treat them as you would wish to be treated and don’t feel remotely guilty. It’s basically spreading the wealth.

The reason you feel this way is because over years and years you have subconsciously been domestically programmed to feel it’s your job right, that’s why women feel like they have to do it, or bad when a spouse does 50% equal share....ahhh look at home doing the dishes.....his a keeper”

We live in a different time now where both sexes work full time but our biology hasn’t caught up with that yet- hopefully the next generation of girls becoming women won’t have this guilt feeling

@Mercedes519

So you will be: a) giving someone much needed employment B) allowing a professional to use their skill to do a job better than you C) having more energy to devote to you and your family D) your DH enjoys a standard of home that he wants but (rightly) doesn’t expect you to maintain.

Feels like a win to me

All of the above. What's not to like?

I get the impression that you have much lower standards than your husband (and probably lower standards than me). I grew up in a dirty, messy house and would hate live live like that again, so I am with your husband.

Get a cleaner. I’d love one. Think of the disagreements it will save and also you’ll get extra time from not having to do it.

You have 3 kids and a job. You are presumably home schooling. You have a husband who is a doctor and working long hours as well as (I assume) bringing a marvellous variety of viruses and bacteria back home.

Get a cleaner.

Get a cleaner. Out of interest, does he ever clean?

@borageforager

Just realised how insensitive this could seem - total #firstworldproblems, & I know we are really fortunate to be financially secure in this climate (DH is a doctor) & able to consider optional spending like a cleaner. I hope it doesn’t distress anyone.

Didn't distress me and I can't afford a cleaner.

But believe me if i could it would be a no brainer

And don't forget it's things like outsourcing that also support other families to have their income.

The financial circle of life!

I hate cleaning, but love a clean house- really want a cleaner. DH doesn't and says he will do it, then he is busy, ill etc. If I had my time again I would not have settled down with anyone before checking their views on cleaners.

I have a cleaner.I have a husband who is disabled and I work full time. Best thing I ever did.

I don't understand why anyone who can afford a cleaner doesn't have one. For a mere £35 per week I have a clean flat with fresh sheets on the bed and no marital strife re housework.

Get a cleaner. Why wouldn't you?!

I'd be offended if my husband was a doctor and we didn't have a cleaner

Why would you be offended, out of curiosity?

Get a cleaner.
We will, when this horror is over. I’m not quite ancient but keeping a large old house and gardens in good order by yourself for years on end becomes increasingly hard work.
It will be helpful to employ someone too and you can focus on things you are better at.

If he wants to pay for it let him

Yes you earn less, but you work at-least part-time from your post AND carry the majority of the domestic burden from three kids!

My partner can pay for a cleaner any time he likes, and we share everything domestic 50/50 and don’t even have kids yet.

Why would you be offended? Or feel guilty? You have a busy life and the house needs cleaning.

We've always had a cleaner. Neither of us like cleaning but neither of us wants to live in a mess. We've had our current cleaner over 10yrs, she likes cleaning.

@parallax80

I'd be offended if my husband was a doctor and we didn't have a cleaner

Why would you be offended, out of curiosity?

I had this discussion with my OH as in his culture (East-European), most women would be offended as though they are being told they aren’t a good enough women. In fact it’s come up serval times on his forum, with men wanting to offer pay for one and their parents getting offended. Even though almost all women work inc. full time once the child is in kindergarten (age 1) and most men do their share, there is still an idea of the home being up to scratch and a reflection of them personally.

Whereas without even asking me he knew my answer, even if he, his friends or family cared about such a thing (they don’t) I still wouldn’t feel any shame like you can think of me as a ‘bad women’ all you want but I’m the one with a cleaner!