Feel offended when DH suggests a cleaner

[borageforager]

Give me a boot up the arse over this!

DH & I have always had differing ideas of what a clean family house looks like - my ‘lived in family home’ is basically his ‘squalid slum’... I promise you that our house is perfectly normal & nobody would think we lived in a dirty or chaotic home, but it isn’t a show home. I don’t relish cleaning & would happily never do it, & we have a big old house that takes quite a bit of cleaning...

So DH has had a pay increase & suggests getting a cleaner to come once a week (lockdown permitting) & for some reason I feel offended?! I earn about 10% of his salary, & carry the majority of the domestic burden of 3 kids, admin etc, & I think I feel guilty at not ‘pulling my weight’ by doing the cleaning as well. But I don’t do the cleaning as much as some people (like DH!) would do, & I don’t want to... so I need to get over this feeling!

@GypsyLee

Pass him a cloth, he should be doing his share. He'd obviously rather pay someone else as cleaning is obviously women's work. Yuk! I'd smack him one tbh.

That's just silly - If they can afford it, why should he (or the OP) spend time doing something they are either too busy or don't want to do?

it will free you up to do things that you would rather do - DH will be happier about the state of the house and you will be less stressed - what's the problem?

That should have been in bold.

@GypsyLee

Pass him a cloth, he should be doing his share. He'd obviously rather pay someone else as cleaning is obviously women's work. Yuk! I'd smack him one tbh.

Ffs. He quite obviously doesn’t want to do it any more than she does. Paying someone who needs the money is the obvious solution.

What's insensitive about it? I know I'm not very good at cleaning. I don't enjoy it and would rather pay someone to do it. Our cleaner is lovely, we get on really well and she's a weirdo who actually enjoys cleaning. Win win.

It's not a criticism of you.

I see it as buying time and I feel that £12 is a good price for an hour of free time. It costs me a lot more to buy extra holidays from work.

I keep the house clean and tidy, do all the washing etc. Once a week my cleaner comes and does a really good clean of it which makes it much easier to keep on top off. I love her - and she knows it 😍

Oh blimey yes! Get the cleaner. What are you waiting for?

I’d be biting his hand off for the offer to pay for a cleaner.

@Aquamarine1029

It can be very hard when 2 people who live together have different ideas about what a clean house is. I am a very tidy person, and my home is always "company ready", (even though we never have company!), and I'm honestly not saying this to brag at all. This is simply how I need my environment to be in terms of my mental health. Clutter and disorganization make me very unsettled and anxious. Thankfully, my husband is the same way. I could never live with a messy person, and he couldn't either.

If your husband is wanting a cleaner, and you don't like cleaning, why say no? It might make your life a lot easier.

Agreed. My husband and I picked a house that was easy to maintain and have a cleaner.

We agree what a reasonable standard is, and if we want to go over and above that standard, that's on the individual.

Yes LTB for even daring to suggest taking a job if your hands you openly admit you hate doing 🤷‍♀️

I dithered over this for literally years.

I have a high stress job but currently live alone. I felt as though it was ABSURD to have a clear for just me. I felt as though I was a failure for being "unable to manage my own life" as I put it in my head.

I finally gave in and got a cleaner when a friend was able to recommend someone. It is the BEST money I spend. I am pretty frugal and honestly I love it. I have had a hideous year working for the NHS and otherwise I would be living in squalor. It also forces me to tidy. It means my house is always at least "okay" and regularly lovely.

Get the cleaner! Consider it a gift to yourselves, while supporting the local economy.
You may feel a bit weird about it to start with but you get over it...

Bite his hand off! If you need to assuage your guilt, commit to being a respectful employer and use some of the time doing something edifying- eg. baking, gardening, reading, exercise.

If he’s a doctor, I presume he’s busy at the moment so let him pay for the cleaner?

Does he do his half of the tidying/ cleaning? I have said to dh either he does his half of the tidying or he arranges a cleaner to do it. Once the pandemic is over I will be reminding him of this, especially as I arranged a gardener who does far more than my half of the gardening.

See it as less a judgement on you and more that he is unable to devote as much time as you do to cleaning so he has to pay someone to do his half.

I know some people don’t like the idea of having a cleaner but to be offended by your DH even suggesting you get one is nuts and you know it is!

Get a cleaner, when you can. Why wouldn't you?

I'd get a cleaner!

Who wants to spend hours and exhaust yourself cleaning when you can have help and more time/energy for other things.

I'd be offended if my husband was a doctor and we didn't have a cleaner.

@GypsyLee

Pass him a cloth, he should be doing his share. He'd obviously rather pay someone else as cleaning is obviously women's work. Yuk! I'd smack him one tbh.

If anyone finds my eyeballs after they rolled out of my head, I'll pay good money for their safe return 🙄🙄🙄

You do your share.

He doesn't.
He's outsourced his share.
Sorted.

Don't think of it as someone doing your job better than you. This is your husband's contribution to the cleaning of the house he also lives in.

My husband and I also have different ideas about what a clean house looks like. Our cleaner takes away that tension as well as saving us both time.

I used to feel exactly like you, then we got the cleaner and it’s sooooo nice!

If I was working and had three children I'd consider a cleaner essential to survival!