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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel offended when DH suggests a cleaner

107 replies

borageforager · 13/01/2021 17:52

Give me a boot up the arse over this!

DH & I have always had differing ideas of what a clean family house looks like - my ‘lived in family home’ is basically his ‘squalid slum’... I promise you that our house is perfectly normal & nobody would think we lived in a dirty or chaotic home, but it isn’t a show home. I don’t relish cleaning & would happily never do it, & we have a big old house that takes quite a bit of cleaning...

So DH has had a pay increase & suggests getting a cleaner to come once a week (lockdown permitting) & for some reason I feel offended?! I earn about 10% of his salary, & carry the majority of the domestic burden of 3 kids, admin etc, & I think I feel guilty at not ‘pulling my weight’ by doing the cleaning as well. But I don’t do the cleaning as much as some people (like DH!) would do, & I don’t want to... so I need to get over this feeling!

OP posts:
sparticuscaticus · 13/01/2021 20:41

OML op you said it, first world problem About your feelZ.

Get a cleaner. Let DH pay for it as he has said he will.

HTH1 · 13/01/2021 20:42

I think great, what a considerate DH Smile

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/01/2021 20:48

Well you don't like cleaning and don't want to do it, he's not asking you to and giving a solution so you don't need to do as much, or feel as if you need to do as much.
I would be jumping for joy.

DorisDaisyMay · 13/01/2021 20:51

Cleaning is a common cause of marital strife.
Cleaners are the number one way to solve it swiftly and easily.

I can not imagine being offended - be glad and do a jig with your extra time!

glassacorn · 13/01/2021 21:02

Say yes. It solves the issue your DH has and frees you up to do other things.

Sounds like you're not opposed to the idea of the cleaner, but the fact your DH suggested it...

IdblowJonSnow · 13/01/2021 21:04

You've got 3 kids so assuming they're all at home now and you're home schooling I'd bite his frikkin hand off!
Jeal!

glassacorn · 13/01/2021 21:06

@Mercedes519

So you will be: a) giving someone much needed employment B) allowing a professional to use their skill to do a job better than you C) having more energy to devote to you and your family D) your DH enjoys a standard of home that he wants but (rightly) doesn’t expect you to maintain.

Feels like a win to me Grin

👏🏼
Mif4 · 13/01/2021 21:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 21:16

I’d hate having a cleaner we have the same standards and both pitch in so we don’t need one.

Sounds like a lot of people love theirs and it’s worth a go, see how it looks and how you feel after they’ve been a few times. You’re not committing for life.

blueleonburger · 13/01/2021 21:17

I don’t see the problem here. YABU.

NotMeNoNo · 13/01/2021 21:20

Get over it and support a local business.

DH is a tidy freak and was really sceptical about a cleaner. After a few weeks he was calling her "my ally".

mdh2020 · 13/01/2021 21:21

If he’s willing to pay say yes, yes, yes. I had to fight for a cleaner and now my husband says ‘where is she?’ If she is on holiday. Don’t feel guilty. It’s not your job alone to clean the house. He is trying to make life better for you. Relax and enjoy it.

Original poster
borageforager · 13/01/2021 21:25

Sorry to have disappeared - supper/bath/guinea pig bite Hmm

Just to clarify that DH doesn’t do much cleaning at the moment, but he’s out of the house far more than me - he works 40hrs a week minimum, & I work 14 hours a week - it’s not about it being ‘women’s work’ (although there are obviously gendered reasons why we’ve ended up with this balance of work/domestic life!). I think it’s reasonable that the partner who is at home more does more of the domestic work, we just have different standards for its completion...

Anyway you all gave my head a wobble so I will ask around for recommendations!

OP posts:
fucksanta1 · 13/01/2021 21:25

I'd be over the moon! Haha

Rainb0wDrops · 13/01/2021 21:26

@Pinkfreesias

In your shoes, I would be offended, too, OP. Can't your husband help out with the cleaning & tidying that he seems to be so keen on?
But he wants to pay someone to do his share. What's the problem with that?

I have a cleaner and had a few people comment in surprise but they don't bat an eyelid at me having a window cleaner or paying to have my car washed.

sorryforswearing · 13/01/2021 21:32

Stop thinking of it as your responsibility. Treat yourself. Get a cleaner.

MsMeNz · 13/01/2021 21:37

Oh yay I'd love to get a cleaner again. I wan many times what my husband does and he does do stuff around the house although I think on balance i do.more at least he does the dishes which I hate! I got a cleaner for a while which was nice and helped heaps.

But I decided to cut costs as we were getting a bit carried away with a gardener, tutor and cleaner 🤦 and not enough saved in the bank.

When our bank account is healthier and we are 100 percent debt free I'm definitely getting the cleaner back! I like it done on a Thursday or Friday so I can relax in a tidy clean house at the weekend.

bringonyourwreckingball · 13/01/2021 21:40

I have a cleaner. She is very, very good at her job. I hate cleaning and am not good at it, I could spend 3 times as much time on my house as she does and it would still look crap. So I pay her, win win. If your DH wants it cleaner/tidier than you are able or willing to provide and is prepared to pay for that without any resentment, go for it.

Pipandmum · 13/01/2021 21:40

Why is it your job if you are both working? The fact he earns more than you makes no difference. If he's not willing to roll up his sleeves and do it to his satisfaction then of course you get a cleaner in! And they are allowed even during lockdown.

shhsecretsquirrel · 13/01/2021 21:41

Get a cleaner, I adore mine, she's far better at it than me or my partner are.

Lurkingforawhile · 13/01/2021 21:43

We were the other way round, and I pursuaded my OH we should have a cleaner. It stops me feeling annoyed and then bugging him about it. It was well worth it!

snappyoldfartpants · 13/01/2021 21:44

We have one that comes fortnightly and does a deeper clean, so why not compromise and suggest that?

And we both can clean and do clean inbetween it's just so lovely to have those few days off!

kursaalflyer · 13/01/2021 21:45

Hang on though. He wants the cleaner so I think the searching, interviewing, laying out requirements, problem solving, sacking etc needs to be done by him. He knows what he wants done and I don't think you should get the blame or have to have the 'word' if the cleaner is a bit slack.

BackforGood · 13/01/2021 22:34

Excellent.
Glad you've agreed with 94% of us Smile

Just see it as a luxury you are fortunate enough to be able to afford.
Like a car (or 2nd car?); or music lessons or sports clubs or whatever for your dc; or a nice haircut or makeup or manicure or whatever your personal treat is; or a meal out or takeaway.

No, it's not needed, but that is what a luxury is - a treat. Something that makes your life little bit nicer each week.

I LOVE having a cleaner. We aren't wealthy. I tend to buy all our clothes in charity shops, we drive old cars, I consider a coffee out a real treat, BUT I love the feeling around the house after our cleaner has been, and wander round with a smile on my face for the next few hours.
Yes, we could do it ourselves, but neither of us enjoy cleaning, it provides a little bit of income for someone else, and we can afford to treat ourselves at our stage in life.

Oldbutstillgotit · 13/01/2021 22:40

Puzzled why some people would be offended . DH and I are retired and perfectly capable of cleaning but pay someone to come in twice a week . She is fabulous and I know she appreciates the money .