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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close (male) friend over sharing. AIBU

141 replies

Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:00

Me and DH have a friend, lets call him Jim. Jim has been our friend for 10+ years, we were there when he went through a divorce, he was there when we were new parents, we see him often although he doesn't live close. Jim is currently in a relationship although we haven't met his gf as yet, they seem happy.

For a while Jim has been replying to my instagram posts directly quite a lot. Usually he will send a thumbs up to things he agrees with, or respond with laughing emoji when I post funny things DS has said. BUT sometimes it feels a bit flirty... like he will send heart emoji when I post selfies, or remark on my appearance and say things like "looking good" I think maybe he's bored / in lockdown / lonely. DH says he never does this to his posts.

Last week I posted a selfie to ask people about a possible hair change I was considering. Jim responded privately to me and said "strong selfie, me like" I didn't reply.

THEN, yesterday Jim messaged me and said "I've just done something crazy, made an impulse purchase" the notification popped up on my phone and I read it, but when I went to my messages it showed that he had un-sent the message and it wasn't there. Curious I simply replied "oh whats that then?"

He replied "I've bought a flesh light."

Honestly, why is he telling me all this and behaving this way? It just feels weird and inappropriate. I have screen shotted all the dodgy messages and showed DH who doesn't seem too worried, said that perhaps Jim fancies me.

There have been other weird messages, he made a weird sexual reference about himself "not even getting laid in a whorehouse" at one point and also implied that it was DH keeping me up at night (with sex?) when infact it was my DS being a gremlin.

Just makes me feel weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 13/01/2021 14:02

It's really inappropriate. I would tell him directly that you don't care to hear about his sex life or lack thereof.

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 14:11

Ugh the fleshlight is completely inappropriate
Block him

Idratherberude · 13/01/2021 14:13

I would just block for a while and let him come to the realisation that he's disgusting. As for damaging your friendship, he did that when he decided to tell you he'd bought a sex toy, apropos of nothing.
Maybe if he starts acting more normally when social times resume, you can unblock him. Or maybe he'll ask your partner why he's blocked, but I'm sure he'll know the reason.

LagneyandCasey · 13/01/2021 14:17

Is this him?

Close (male) friend over sharing. AIBU
covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 14:21

So I'd maybe do these things with very close friends, but it would be the type of friendship where we were very open and jokey. And I wouldn't try to initiate this with someone out of nowhere!

He seems very dodgey. If you need to keep the friendship, just mute him or hide your timeline and say you're taking time off social media. If you aren't fussed either way, be open and say it makes you v uncomfortable.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 13/01/2021 14:22

I feel like an "Ugh why are you telling me that!!?" would fix the problem!

GlobeUs · 13/01/2021 14:24

I don't understand the issue you have with him saying he likes your selfie? If you don't want compliments or comments on a selfie, don't share them - surely most people expect that if people comment it will be a compliment.

The fleshlight thing is weird though. I would ask him why he thought you needed to know that or say it makes you feel uncomfortable - and point out you don't want to know that type of thing in the future.

warmandtoasty2day · 13/01/2021 14:25

@JustAnotherUserinParadise

I feel like an "Ugh why are you telling me that!!?" would fix the problem!
i feel sorry for the gf, i bet she wouldn't be too thrilled if she knew about this.
Newfor2021 · 13/01/2021 14:25

Eurghhhh I just googled Flesh light as I had no idea what it was!! Envy

Original poster
Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:26

@covidaintacrime

So I'd maybe do these things with very close friends, but it would be the type of friendship where we were very open and jokey. And I wouldn't try to initiate this with someone out of nowhere!

He seems very dodgey. If you need to keep the friendship, just mute him or hide your timeline and say you're taking time off social media. If you aren't fussed either way, be open and say it makes you v uncomfortable.

Yes, see in person we are all very jokey and light hearted. But I feel in a private message out of nowhere, this is way creepier and just weird. I said to DH its the equivalent of me sending him a random message saying "I've got a dildo" which is obviously inappropriate...

I want to say something to him, to make him realise he is overstepping a boundary, but I don't know how to phrase it in a non hostile way.

OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 14:26

i feel sorry for the gf, i bet she wouldn't be too thrilled if she knew about this.

If he's bragging about a fleshlight to his mate's wife, the girlfriend may be fictional.

BornIn78 · 13/01/2021 14:26

@LagneyandCasey that was exactly who I was picturing as I read this GrinGrinGrin

He may fancy you but acting like a creepy letch isn't on. I'd block him. Your DH seems quite cool with it so he can explain to Jim if he asks why he's blocked.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2021 14:26

Yeah its inappropriate. At best its extremely tone deaf and disrespectful to both you and your DH. At worst he's being a complete sleaze. Some people are massively over-reliant on social media atm as they aren't seeing anyone but still not cool.

I'd block or at least mute him and hope he gets the message. I assume you won't be able to see him for a while anyway.

If he presses the point you should confront him.

Original poster
Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:27

@GlobeUs

I don't understand the issue you have with him saying he likes your selfie? If you don't want compliments or comments on a selfie, don't share them - surely most people expect that if people comment it will be a compliment.

The fleshlight thing is weird though. I would ask him why he thought you needed to know that or say it makes you feel uncomfortable - and point out you don't want to know that type of thing in the future.

Well in was in an instagram story, not a post - so doesn't usually warrant replies or comments.
OP posts:
peak2021 · 13/01/2021 14:27

You may not be able to be insensitive, but you do need to say something.

Poppingnostopping · 13/01/2021 14:27

I didn't even know what one was, now I do...totally and utterly inappropriate, block and don't contact again. I wouldn't anyway, no-one can think that's appropriate in a normal friendship!

Original poster
Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:28

@covidaintacrime

i feel sorry for the gf, i bet she wouldn't be too thrilled if she knew about this.

If he's bragging about a fleshlight to his mate's wife, the girlfriend may be fictional.

We thought this, investigated and she is actually real.
OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 14:28

So OP I think I'd just say;

"Hiya Jim! Hope you and the girlfriend are keeping well in lockdown and staying safe. Just wanted to let you know I'm a little uncomfortable with the mentions of the fleshlight, so if we could ease up on that then that would be great! Anyways, anything new with you?"

Bit friendly, bit chipper but gets the message across Smile

warmandtoasty2day · 13/01/2021 14:30

@covidaintacrime

i feel sorry for the gf, i bet she wouldn't be too thrilled if she knew about this.

If he's bragging about a fleshlight to his mate's wife, the girlfriend may be fictional.

sounds very likely esp as he says he couldn't get laid in a whorehouse.
warmandtoasty2day · 13/01/2021 14:30

cross post.

RonObvious · 13/01/2021 14:32

It’s completely inappropriate. Why are you worried about offending him by saying so? He should be more worried about upsetting you by making the comment! I agree with PPs - block him.

covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 14:32

sounds very likely esp as he says he couldn't get laid in a whorehouse.

Yeah this combined with the fleshlight thing suggests to me a not very happy relationship. OP, are you sure she's real and going out with him? Grin

FKATondelayo · 13/01/2021 14:33

He sounds weird and grim. He's testing your boundaries to see if you are open to being his human fleshlight.

covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 14:34

He sounds weird and grim. He's testing your boundaries to see if you are open to being his human fleshlight.

"Human fleshlight" makes me want to rip the eyeballs out of my head.

Original poster
Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:35

He's just messaged again and said "I am sorry about yesterdays unfront-ness"

so I replied "Yeah it was a bit of an overshare I can't lie. It make me feel a bit uncomfortable"

OP posts:
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