Close (male) friend over sharing. AIBU

[Toastedsesame]

Me and DH have a friend, lets call him Jim. Jim has been our friend for 10+ years, we were there when he went through a divorce, he was there when we were new parents, we see him often although he doesn't live close. Jim is currently in a relationship although we haven't met his gf as yet, they seem happy.

For a while Jim has been replying to my instagram posts directly quite a lot. Usually he will send a thumbs up to things he agrees with, or respond with laughing emoji when I post funny things DS has said. BUT sometimes it feels a bit flirty... like he will send heart emoji when I post selfies, or remark on my appearance and say things like "looking good" I think maybe he's bored / in lockdown / lonely. DH says he never does this to his posts.

Last week I posted a selfie to ask people about a possible hair change I was considering. Jim responded privately to me and said "strong selfie, me like" I didn't reply.

THEN, yesterday Jim messaged me and said "I've just done something crazy, made an impulse purchase" the notification popped up on my phone and I read it, but when I went to my messages it showed that he had un-sent the message and it wasn't there. Curious I simply replied "oh whats that then?"

He replied "I've bought a flesh light."

Honestly, why is he telling me all this and behaving this way? It just feels weird and inappropriate. I have screen shotted all the dodgy messages and showed DH who doesn't seem too worried, said that perhaps Jim fancies me.

There have been other weird messages, he made a weird sexual reference about himself "not even getting laid in a whorehouse" at one point and also implied that it was DH keeping me up at night (with sex?) when infact it was my DS being a gremlin.

Just makes me feel weird. AIBU?

What’s a flesh light I’d say “hey Jim, stop over sharing mate! Almost brought up my dinner then”

Husband's friend sends you a message stating he's buying/bought a masturbation aid? No need to tip toe around his feelings. Tell him straight to quit stuff like that as it is very personal. He's a saddo in my view. Not for wanting/buying/using a Fleshlight but for telling you about it.

Twattishness in the extreme. (they are overpriced anyway }

I googled what a flesh light is! Wtf is he telling you . Sounds like a weirdo . I’d ignore any message sends

Why are you so bothered about making him feel uncomfortable.
He made you feel uncomfortable, he knew it would, how can telling the wife of his friend he has a fleshlight, not make you feel uncomfortable.
Forget his feelings, he is a pervert.
A sleazy pervert who is probably getting off on the fact he made you uncomfortable.
This is the type of man who sends unwarranted dick pics.
Its the same psychology behind what he has done.
Women are conditioned to put up with this kind of shit, to not hurt the man's feelings
He is not your friend, he is not your husbands friend, he is a pervert.

I would reply 'o cool, I'll let DH know'

Urgh I felt sick reading this.

Please tell your DH. And try and ghost this fucking weirdo.

I think he's testing boundaries to see if you'd be up for more. He's being totally inappropriate and you need to be firm in telling his this.

Wish I hadn't just google image searched flashlight!!

Oh, and "he fancies you" is not a justification for inappropriate behaviour.

I don't know what a fleshlight is and I'm at work so I'm not googling it but guessing it is sex related.

Although telling him you don't want to hear about it could work I'd personally definitely be more forceful with my DH telling him to back the F off - is your DH happy for this friend to speak to you in this way? Have a word with your DH.

@littlepattilou

Urgh I felt sick reading this.

Please tell your DH. And try and ghost this fucking weirdo.

She's told her DH who doesn't seem to give a flying fuck and seems to think it's flattering that the friend fancies his DW.

That last sentence personally for me is a bit strange - it's ok for a friend to fancy someone - but then to come out with weird sentences and say them to you - nah, overstepping/sharing boundaries there.

I'm reply something like "didn't really want to know that!". Make it explicit that you don't want those type of messages, even if jokey.

@RonObvious

Oh, and "he fancies you" is not a justification for inappropriate behaviour.

No way, not at all. Glad someone agrees with me.

I'd be blocking and ghosting this creep and demanding an apology from him too. who the F does he think he is??

Please don’t say things in a friendly way, like “I’m a little bit uncomfortable” or “I don’t like these messages”.
You have to be clear that the fault lies with him not with you.

So “your messages are inappropriate since you are in a relationship”, “your messages cross boundaries of a friendship” etc

Please don’t be “nice”. Be firm and to the point. Clear that you are his friend but he is jeopardizing this by acting beyond what is appropriate

1. I could have happily gone my whole life without knowing what a flashlight is. I'm just soaking my eyes in a little bleach.

1. I'd honestly say something strong but in a dismissive way that will embarrass him like 'FFS why would you tell me that??' then don't respond to his response so it's clear you were not lol-ing.

I have a couple male friends. One is kinda like that, makes no secret of the fact that if I said the word he would be very open to FWB. I tell him up front when he is being lecherous. Just stuff like "if you look, the line is just behind you. You are making me uncomfortable. Back the fuck off."

He is a good mate just to chat to but doesn't half push the boundaries and would be quick to take advantage if I was vulnerable. I'd advise you not to trust this guy. Tell him straight that he is crossing the line and you don't like it. Make sure you aren't alone with him as he will likely try these overshare comments in person to see your reaction.

*fleshlight - stupid, innocent autocorrect

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow

so what has he said to your comment about oversharing?? Also why on earth was that comment not flying out of you the very second his message was read. Leaving it hanging like that has made it all the more weird imo

tbh it sounds like he is unaware of decent human social niceties and sees you as "one of the lads"

still at least he seems to have realised, although you have underplayed your horror, so I wouldn't be surprised if there's more oversharing to come!

I doubt he's messaging 'the lads' about their 'strong selfies' lol.

He is definitely testing the waters in quite a pathetic way. Obviously the current situation makes it difficult to meet people so he's getting desperate and hitting on a woman he already knows, even though she's with a friend of his. Creep.

On another note, don't get all the disgust at the idea of sex toys for men. Do you guys feel the same way about dildos and vibrators??

Ugh. I would tell him to keep his wanking habits to himself and back off with the personal comments. Where are his boundaries? Are you sure his girlfriend exists?

I guess I don’t want to cut him off completely in case he is lonely

What about what you actually want? Y’know if you weren’t fulfilling the female role of people pleasing.

Eww. You need to tell him right away it's not appropriate and you dont want to hear these things otherwise how will he know you dont like it??

@Twisique

I would reply 'o cool, I'll let DH know'

This.

Oh gosh, I just googled fleshlight also. (wails) - MY EYES! When I read your first post I thought it might be a lighting device to create a better complexion for taking selfies.

Definitely not a good present for those hard to buy for relatives.

"Jim, I really don't want to hear about your sex life, or the lack of it. I found that inappropriate". Then block. Continue being friends if you want but through DH.

Although you may not put flirty and rude stuff on social media yourself, you seem to put some personal things on there, and this might lead the man friend to open up to his little personal inner thoughts sometimes.