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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Close (male) friend over sharing. AIBU

141 replies

Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:00

Me and DH have a friend, lets call him Jim. Jim has been our friend for 10+ years, we were there when he went through a divorce, he was there when we were new parents, we see him often although he doesn't live close. Jim is currently in a relationship although we haven't met his gf as yet, they seem happy.

For a while Jim has been replying to my instagram posts directly quite a lot. Usually he will send a thumbs up to things he agrees with, or respond with laughing emoji when I post funny things DS has said. BUT sometimes it feels a bit flirty... like he will send heart emoji when I post selfies, or remark on my appearance and say things like "looking good" I think maybe he's bored / in lockdown / lonely. DH says he never does this to his posts.

Last week I posted a selfie to ask people about a possible hair change I was considering. Jim responded privately to me and said "strong selfie, me like" I didn't reply.

THEN, yesterday Jim messaged me and said "I've just done something crazy, made an impulse purchase" the notification popped up on my phone and I read it, but when I went to my messages it showed that he had un-sent the message and it wasn't there. Curious I simply replied "oh whats that then?"

He replied "I've bought a flesh light."

Honestly, why is he telling me all this and behaving this way? It just feels weird and inappropriate. I have screen shotted all the dodgy messages and showed DH who doesn't seem too worried, said that perhaps Jim fancies me.

There have been other weird messages, he made a weird sexual reference about himself "not even getting laid in a whorehouse" at one point and also implied that it was DH keeping me up at night (with sex?) when infact it was my DS being a gremlin.

Just makes me feel weird. AIBU?

OP posts:

HTH1 · 13/01/2021 16:32

@LagneyandCasey

Is this him?

He sounds very strange and desperate, not sure why he thinks telling you he bought a flesh light would do anything other than repulse you!

YoniAndGuy · 13/01/2021 16:32

Please stop and think about why you're worrying about not being hostile to a creep like this.

He KNOWS he's pushing your boundaries and he likes it.

Twats like this reply on women being socialised to being pushed around like this. They also rely on something not usually so obvious - women's partners actually also being pretty heavily socialised to letting shit like this go, because a. trying to be cool b. similarly uncomfortable confronting a mate and c. they know you won't cheat so it's fine yeah? (no not fine, the point isn't cheating, the point is YOU being made uncomfortable).

Why are you afraid of making a strong move with someone who is actually being hostile to you already? Overstepping boundaries. He knows what he's doing.

This is a good line:

"if you look, the line is just behind you. You are making me uncomfortable. Back the fuck off."

Send it. Just send it. And say nothing else.

He could reply in many many ways to that, from apology to full-on denial or anything. You reply:

'No-one should have a problem being able to state their boundaries with a true friend. Thanks for the apology/reply (if he doesn't apologise!). I don't expect any more private messages from you. Cheers, X'

YoniAndGuy · 13/01/2021 16:33

Oh and don't forget the passive-aggressive smiley :)

Regularsizedrudy · 13/01/2021 16:33

I think your reply is good. Hopefully he will get the message.

I am quite surprised at the number of people who didn’t know what a flesh light is!

20CMB21 · 13/01/2021 16:34

I'd have thought that the old MN riposte from 20 years ago was ideal:

FenEel · 13/01/2021 16:37

So much inappropriateness but I also hate the phrase "me like", it is just awful and so cringey. Reminds me of Xander from Buffy, in a bad way.

Waspnest · 13/01/2021 16:37

What does 'unfront-ness' mean (I am old and not up with the current lingo)?

Whynothaveathird · 13/01/2021 16:40

Gross!!

covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 16:42

Although you may not put flirty and rude stuff on social media yourself, you seem to put some personal things on there, and this might lead the man friend to open up to his little personal inner thoughts sometimes.

Er, unless OP posts dildo reviews to her Facebook page, I'm not sure what could warrant a vocalised receipt for a fleshlight.

slashlover · 13/01/2021 16:42

He is being completely inappropriate and there's no need to be 'nice' to him. Block.

Oh gosh, I just googled fleshlight also. (wails) - MY EYES! When I read your first post I thought it might be a lighting device to create a better complexion for taking selfies.

Do the PPs who wrote things like this feel the same ways about vibrators for women? It's exactly the same principle.

CleverCatty · 13/01/2021 16:46

@slashlover

He is being completely inappropriate and there's no need to be 'nice' to him. Block.

Oh gosh, I just googled fleshlight also. (wails) - MY EYES! When I read your first post I thought it might be a lighting device to create a better complexion for taking selfies.

Do the PPs who wrote things like this feel the same ways about vibrators for women? It's exactly the same principle.

I just googled Fleshlight too... boak...

A fleshlight is fine if you share this info with someone who wants to know about it - not your close friends and certainly not the DW of a close friend even if they're also your 'close friend'.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/01/2021 16:46

If anyone googles fleshlight (I had no idea) go incognito, or clear your cookies afterwards.

He clearly realised it was inappropriate if he deleted the message?
Has he split up/been dumped by GF?

Rewis · 13/01/2021 16:49

Clearly since this is your reaction, this is not your normal relationship. I can totally see my best friend send me how she bought clit sucker 3000. But this is not with all friends. The story comments seem nice enough. Stories are not necessary to react but some people are like that. Selfie comments are a bit over the top if this is new

If you have been good friends, if he does things that make you uncomfortable. Call him out. If he doesnt stop then he is not a good friend.

5zeds · 13/01/2021 16:51

I think he’s using you to enhance his wanking experience. He wants you forced into thinking about him wanking. Your dh is being awful. Ask him if he’s ever done this to another woman? To one of his friends wives/girlfriends? You are not there to be part of anyone’s nonsense. It’s gross.
Tell him you’re blocking him because of his behaviour and tel dp to give himself a talking too for minimising someone treating you like this. Block him and don’t give his feelings on the matter a second thought.

Waspnest · 13/01/2021 16:54

Do the PPs who wrote things like this feel the same ways about vibrators for women? It's exactly the same principle.

I can't speak for anyone else but I associate this with those men (often incels) who use blow up dolls who appear in Channel 5 documentaries and who frequently have weird attitudes towards women.

I don't think women using vibrators are the same. BUT I'd still rather not discuss vibrators with friends, for me it's TMI.

MiddleClassMother · 13/01/2021 16:57

Did anyone think of friday night dinner?😂

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/01/2021 16:57

@Shoxfordian

Why do you need to be non hostile to someone who is creeping you out like this? You’ve minimised your feelings in that message to him as well, it made you feel a bit uncomfortable, why only a bit? Tell him anymore messages like that will mean you don’t want to be friends anymore, draw a clear boundary

This. Women do not owe 'niceness' to men who make them uncomfortable. He has made you uncomfortable, he has told you essentially about his wanking habits, he has sexualised the conversation in a way you don't like. You can state all that factually without worrying about upsetting the poor lamb. He behaved in a way you find uncomfortable and you're well within your rights to tell him that.

You do not have to 'be kind' to men who make you uncomfortable.

Let's drum this into the young women we all know!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/01/2021 16:57

@MAK93

Yea it’s pretty creepy, IMO it almost seems like he’s testing the water with what he can get away with..

And this. Totally this.

Butchyrestingface · 13/01/2021 17:01

He replied "I've bought a flesh light."

I would have assumed that was a typo and replied "Why, are you planning an attic conversion?"

Actually had to google this ... flesh light. The joys of a Catholic upbringing.

slashlover · 13/01/2021 17:05

I can't speak for anyone else but I associate this with those men (often incels) who use blow up dolls who appear in Channel 5 documentaries and who frequently have weird attitudes towards women.

So men using masturbatory devices = Incels/weird attitude/creepy/etc.
Women using masturbatory devices = What?

AIMD · 13/01/2021 17:07

I think you comment about feeling like he is testing the boundaries sounds right.

I think it’s best to send a clear message that you don’t appreciate that type of message by ignoring them or being direct and telling him it’s a little creepy.

diddl · 13/01/2021 17:11

He deleted the message, so it's a shame you replied to it anyway.

Bigger shame that he answered though!

Mookie81 · 13/01/2021 17:29

Why is a man using a fleshlight creepy but a woman using a dildo/vibrator fine?
They serve exactly the same purpose .

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 17:32

The issue isn’t really that he’s using a fleshlight, it’s that he feels the need to tell the op! Do you tell your partners friends about your new dildo @Mookie81?!

Yohoheaveho · 13/01/2021 17:33

why is he telling me all this
Why?
he's fishing to see if you can be manipulated into having sex with him, or at least massaging his ego by flirting back

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