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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Close (male) friend over sharing. AIBU

141 replies

Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:00

Me and DH have a friend, lets call him Jim. Jim has been our friend for 10+ years, we were there when he went through a divorce, he was there when we were new parents, we see him often although he doesn't live close. Jim is currently in a relationship although we haven't met his gf as yet, they seem happy.

For a while Jim has been replying to my instagram posts directly quite a lot. Usually he will send a thumbs up to things he agrees with, or respond with laughing emoji when I post funny things DS has said. BUT sometimes it feels a bit flirty... like he will send heart emoji when I post selfies, or remark on my appearance and say things like "looking good" I think maybe he's bored / in lockdown / lonely. DH says he never does this to his posts.

Last week I posted a selfie to ask people about a possible hair change I was considering. Jim responded privately to me and said "strong selfie, me like" I didn't reply.

THEN, yesterday Jim messaged me and said "I've just done something crazy, made an impulse purchase" the notification popped up on my phone and I read it, but when I went to my messages it showed that he had un-sent the message and it wasn't there. Curious I simply replied "oh whats that then?"

He replied "I've bought a flesh light."

Honestly, why is he telling me all this and behaving this way? It just feels weird and inappropriate. I have screen shotted all the dodgy messages and showed DH who doesn't seem too worried, said that perhaps Jim fancies me.

There have been other weird messages, he made a weird sexual reference about himself "not even getting laid in a whorehouse" at one point and also implied that it was DH keeping me up at night (with sex?) when infact it was my DS being a gremlin.

Just makes me feel weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
gettingolderbutcooler · 13/01/2021 14:36

Flash light?

alltoomuchrightnow · 13/01/2021 14:36

OMG a friend of mine has one! I said, please don't tell me! and don't EVER show me a photo..
He lives with his mum by the way...and v single. Very handsome, but v v single.

alltoomuchrightnow · 13/01/2021 14:37

No, gettingolder, FLESHlight.
Shaped like a torch but added ... parts...

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 14:37

Why do you need to be non hostile to someone who is creeping you out like this? You’ve minimised your feelings in that message to him as well, it made you feel a bit uncomfortable, why only a bit? Tell him anymore messages like that will mean you don’t want to be friends anymore, draw a clear boundary

Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:38

@Shoxfordian

Why do you need to be non hostile to someone who is creeping you out like this? You’ve minimised your feelings in that message to him as well, it made you feel a bit uncomfortable, why only a bit? Tell him anymore messages like that will mean you don’t want to be friends anymore, draw a clear boundary
You're right. I don't know... I guess I don't want to cut him off completely in case he is lonely.
OP posts:
mistletoeandsigh · 13/01/2021 14:39

I'd reply "TMI, mate". Hopefully he won't do it again. Perhaps he withdrew the image of the fleshlight he bought as he realised that anyway.

Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:40

@mistletoeandsigh

I'd reply "TMI, mate". Hopefully he won't do it again. Perhaps he withdrew the image of the fleshlight he bought as he realised that anyway.
This is what I should have said, definitely.
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 14:45

If he is lonely then it is his own fault for being creepy

Coffeeandaride · 13/01/2021 14:45

Just googled flesh light. Wish I hadn't. Definitely an overshare.

BornIn78 · 13/01/2021 14:48

He was not one bit arsed about making you feel uncomfortable, yet you are worried about how he might feel if you respond how you really want to.

Even his apology is yuk. "Upfront-ness". No that wasn't 'upfront', it was inappropriate, overstepping and creepy.

MAK93 · 13/01/2021 14:48

Yea it’s pretty creepy, IMO it almost seems like he’s testing the water with what he can get away with..

Toastedsesame · 13/01/2021 14:49

@MAK93

Yea it’s pretty creepy, IMO it almost seems like he’s testing the water with what he can get away with..
This is what I thought. It was like he wanted me to ask more about it or something. Yuuuck.
OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 13/01/2021 14:50

so what has he said to your comment about oversharing?? Also why on earth was that comment not flying out of you the very second his message was read.

Leaving it hanging like that has made it all the more weird imo

tbh it sounds like he is unaware of decent human social niceties and sees you as "one of the lads"

still at least he seems to have realised, although you have underplayed your horror, so I wouldn't be surprised if there's more oversharing to come!

KirstenBlest · 13/01/2021 14:53

@alltoomuchrightnow
'No, gettingolder, FLESHlight.
Shaped like a torch but added ... parts...'

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleshlight

KirstenBlest · 13/01/2021 14:54

Now I am probably permanently going to be on record as having googled it.

covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 14:56

I was going to say; For anyone who doesn't want to taint their search history - imagine a flashlight with a rubber vagina attached to the top, used for sexual purposes smile

and I posted it in the wrong thread 🤐

KindergartenKop · 13/01/2021 14:57

Jim fancies you Blush

CecilyP · 13/01/2021 15:04

It just feels weird and inappropriate.

That's because it is!

If you don't want want to block him completely, you have to tell him and don't worry about it and don't worry aboutbeing blunt, or just don't respond at all to anything remotely inappropriate.

terrywynne · 13/01/2021 15:05

I reckon he's testing the boundaries to see hate he can get away with and what you will respond. Either with a view to wanting an affair or goes he gets off on the idea of talking to you about things that are a bit edgy.

To be honest I would just straight up block him. If you accept his supposed apology for being upfront and stay messaging him, he might try again (because he would know he can just apologise and you'll stay in contact).

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 13/01/2021 15:06

@Toastedsesame

He's just messaged again and said "I am sorry about yesterdays unfront-ness"

so I replied "Yeah it was a bit of an overshare I can't lie. It make me feel a bit uncomfortable"

I think that's a good reply - definitely better to nip it in the bud before it escalates!
praepondero · 13/01/2021 15:07

Jim could be going a bit gaga with the whole lockdown loneliness some suffer and the best thing to do would be to gently but firmly point out that he is oversharing and becoming a bit of a dick - due to aforementioned lockdown, the help him save face. Hmm

lightyearsahead · 13/01/2021 15:07

I had no idea what a flesh light is, even after googling it, but did a bit more digging.

I would ask him if he got the butt version!

Waspnest · 13/01/2021 15:08

Now I am probably permanently going to be on record as having googled it.

Shit. I clicked on your link. Does Wiki remember searches?!

OP No no no. If a friend of my DH sent me a picture of that I think I'd message back that that was TMI and not to do it again and I'd distance myself gradually.

BringMeTea · 13/01/2021 15:09

Yeah. If this is real. Delete and block. Let your dp know exactly why. He is sad creepy fucker obvs.

FlamedToACrisp · 13/01/2021 15:13

@alltoomuchrightnow

OMG a friend of mine has one! I said, please don't tell me! and don't EVER show me a photo.. He lives with his mum by the way...and v single. Very handsome, but v v single.
Imagine that.