Close (male) friend over sharing. AIBU

[Toastedsesame]

Me and DH have a friend, lets call him Jim. Jim has been our friend for 10+ years, we were there when he went through a divorce, he was there when we were new parents, we see him often although he doesn't live close. Jim is currently in a relationship although we haven't met his gf as yet, they seem happy.

For a while Jim has been replying to my instagram posts directly quite a lot. Usually he will send a thumbs up to things he agrees with, or respond with laughing emoji when I post funny things DS has said. BUT sometimes it feels a bit flirty... like he will send heart emoji when I post selfies, or remark on my appearance and say things like "looking good" I think maybe he's bored / in lockdown / lonely. DH says he never does this to his posts.

Last week I posted a selfie to ask people about a possible hair change I was considering. Jim responded privately to me and said "strong selfie, me like" I didn't reply.

THEN, yesterday Jim messaged me and said "I've just done something crazy, made an impulse purchase" the notification popped up on my phone and I read it, but when I went to my messages it showed that he had un-sent the message and it wasn't there. Curious I simply replied "oh whats that then?"

He replied "I've bought a flesh light."

Honestly, why is he telling me all this and behaving this way? It just feels weird and inappropriate. I have screen shotted all the dodgy messages and showed DH who doesn't seem too worried, said that perhaps Jim fancies me.

There have been other weird messages, he made a weird sexual reference about himself "not even getting laid in a whorehouse" at one point and also implied that it was DH keeping me up at night (with sex?) when infact it was my DS being a gremlin.

Just makes me feel weird. AIBU?

Slashlover

So shoot me for my views (shrug). I'd question the motives of any man randomly telling a woman about this. Wouldn't you?

When he says anything sleazy, I'd start replying with something along the lines of "Ew 🤢". He should get the message.

“Really gross to be telling your female friends about sex toys. Just FYI if you intend to talk to any other women about it. “

Gross. He did it purposefully to make you feel uncomfortable. Don't fall prey to the concept that women always have to be nice, he was a creep and you're entitled to tell him that.

It’s another problem that your husband is just shrugging it off and saying the creep fancies you

My husband would absolutely block a man doing this to me and stop being friends with him

I don't know how to phrase it in a non hostile way
at the very least you should be short and blunt in your response, anything less will be taken as a green light.
He's testing your boundaries to see what he can get from you
he's lucky you're not inclined to deliberately draw him out then turn all the evidence over to his g/f
then again what else is there to do over lockdown, see if you can get some entertainment out of the sad creep
(j/k)

He deleted the message
yeah, that was deliberate, create some intrigue to draw you in

@Thehop

“Really gross to be telling your female friends about sex toys. Just FYI if you intend to talk to any other women about it. “

This is great, except you could say, "Really gross to talk to your female friends about how you like to wank..."

So I haven’t heard of a flesh light before and I am not going to google it. From this thread I have got it looks like a torch with a rubber vagina. But does it light up like a torch?
And why would it need to do that?
It is it just called a torch because of the shape?

OP I would just tell him he's gross and you don't need to know about the disgusting things he gets up to. Make fun of him for it. Don't make it a big deal. If you're together with your DH and him or on a joint zoom call, you should bring up how gross he is and laugh at him. Can you make this into a banter type thing ? He might be bantering with you. I know it's gross but guys do that sometimes when they see a girl / woman in a friend way. Also him commenting on your selfies- take the piss out of him for it. Again sometimes even with your DH present. ' alright easy tiger ' ' are you having a bit of a lonely time ' ' stop commenting on my pics it's gross. LOL ' ' OMG do you not have anything better to do but to write weird comments on my selfies '... ' you freak me out sometimes LOL ' I duno if that makes sense ? We have friends like that who make dumb comments or even jokingly hit on me in front of DH and we just make fun of the situation and it's just banter. Obviously I don't know your situation with this guy at all so it might be nothing like this.

we just make fun of the situation and it's just banter
that's another way of saying 'instead of calling them out we let them off lightly by choosing to treat it as just banter'
those creeps know exactly what they are doing!

@Toastedsesame

He's just messaged again and said "I am sorry about yesterdays unfront-ness"

so I replied "Yeah it was a bit of an overshare I can't lie. It make me feel a bit uncomfortable"

OP you've already replied

He was beeaharung and being a bit creepy. You've told him that in a clear way.

I imagine he'll back off now

If not, then a "oh Lordy Pack it in- TMI!!" reply of on post he puts on yours or a text that says the same should be enough. But really you can't better what you've already said, he made you uncomfortable. I suspect alcohol was involved and he was regretting it,

'beeaharung' = over sharing

But really now I say that word out loud it's a good replacement! Thanks to my phone auto incorrect to weird words!

I thought he was creepy before I knew what a flesh light was, and now i've Googled it I think he's even more vile! So inappropriate, basically sexual harrassment

@LagneyandCasey

Is this him?

Yes, and is your name Jackie OP?

If so sorry for posting you

Outing ffs

", he made a weird sexual reference about himself "not even getting laid in a whorehouse" at one point"

Why does anyone think being pitiful makes them attractive?

I want to say something to him, to make him realise he is overstepping a boundary, but I don't know how to phrase it in a non hostile way

He isn't sparing your feelings yet you want to spare his?

Hugely disrespectful to you, his girlfriend, your DH.

Some of the replies to you on here have "speak gently so as not to upset him" overtones". Why on earth is it so important to appease men like this?🙄

Just block him. Tell your DH why then have done with it

Hello Jackie.....you look nice

🤢 @ fleshlight. I can't unsee it.

Don’t worry about him being lonely. He’ll have done that to himself. Get him telt.

And he won’t be lonely. He will have his little fleshy friend to keep him company.

He ain’t no lovely bit of squirrel that you have to fluff.

@Shoxfordian

The issue isn’t really that he’s using a fleshlight, it’s that he feels the need to tell the op! Do you tell your partners friends about your new dildo *@Mookie81*?!

But ‘Jim’ is the OP’s friend, just as much as her partner’s. I mean, over sharing creep he may be, but she’s his friend, so it’s not as if he’s just got in touch with his best mate’s girlfriend to share his latest sex toy purchase.

Fucking grim.

Why are you putting up with this? And why is your husband allowing his friend to talk to you like this?

Tell him to fuck off and never see him again. And tell your husband to shape tf up and defend you against this kind of twat.

For those saying, personally I find people who discuss sex toys with friends, in general, to be massive over-sharing boundary steppers, and if you think a fleshlight is the same as a vibrator, you need to have a wee think about basic anatomy, because last time I checked, the human body already has two fleshlights on the ends of the arms.

"he's fishing to see if you can be manipulated into having sex with him, or at least massaging his ego by flirting back"

EXACTLY

Chances are he just sees you as 1 of the lads