To think if she is entitled to make her choice then she needs to accept that I can make my choice and neither is selfish.

[PinkShimmerSparkle]

My mum has decided she isn’t going to have a COVID jab, she is in the vulnerable category as she has COPD and diabetes. She has said she doesn’t know enough about the effects that is has on those conditions. I am disappointed that she doesn’t want to have the jab but I know this is her body and her choice. Her COPD is bad and if she catches COVID she might not survive it.
I have decided that my family (DH, DC and myself) won’t be seeing her until COVID is more under control. My reasons for this are that I am a 1:1 teaching assistant, it is impossible to do my job without getting close to the children that I work with. My DC are teenagers and although they currently aren’t at school, when they are there social distancing isn’t observed. My DH is going out to work where is mixes with external guests, social distancing and procedures are in place to keep people safe it isn’t a guarantee that he isn’t being exposed.
When my mum called to tell me her decision at the weekend, I then told her that we wouldn’t be seeing her, the reasons why and that ultimately I didn’t want to be the one to give it to her. She massively kicked off saying I was using emotional blackmail to force her to have the jab and I was selfish. When I asked her why my decision was selfish and her wasn’t, she hung up on me. I have not attempted to contact her since and she hasn’t contacted me.
AIBU to think neither me or my mum are being selfish?
So not to drip feed a child in my school bubble was found positive today after having no symptoms, child was tested after their parent tested positive during a routine test at work. I feel this shows the higher risk I have of being exposed/catching it and strengthens my point. I do wear a mask all day to try and reduce the risk.

@Ginfordinner thank you, the first time she was rushed to hospital was when my youngest DC was 2 weeks old. My dad called me at 8.47pm to tell me, he told me I needed to stay at home until he knew more as my mum would want me to stay with my baby. He then called me around an hour later to say it wasn’t looking good and to prepare for the worse. It was the worst experience of my life, she of course pulled through but has been blue-lighted back in almost every year since except last year (2020).
I hope you and your family especially your mum are keeping safe and are all well.

Sadly, my mum died nearly 30 years ago, but thank you anyway @PinkShimmerSparkle.

Yanbu to not want to give her covid and to be concerned about her choice (especially as it makes no sense and is clearly a bad one, probably influenced by some lies on the internet). But I think you were unwise to say you wouldn't see her as soon as she told you this. Due to restrictions you won't be able to see her any time soon anyway. In that time she might have changed her mind. Now she is angry, feeling defensive and probably even less likely to think clearly. It would have been better to find out what her concerns were and take a non confrontational approach to tackling them, making it about her welfare rather than about the effect on you. For example you could have reassured her that actually the vaccines have been tested on people with her conditions, said how worried you would be if she didn't get the vaccine, how you want her to be safe etc, perhaps encourage her to speak to any health professionals she knows, consult trusted websites such as NHS, BBC etc, ask her if her friends have had it or tell her about people you know who've had it. Just keep lines of communication open and let her know you support her.
Looking at it from her point of view, to make a decision about your health in good faith and then have your daughter to make you choose between seeing your grand child and accepting a risky treatment must feel pretty awful

Orlania what a nasty tone you are using there.

Yes the op must make her own choices, she topics an adult with the capacity to choose.

My friend's dad us in hospital with Covid. She's self isolating because he may have inadvertantly given it to her.

This virus must be taken seriously.

she too is an adult ... I mean...

[quote PinkShimmerSparkle]@AnnaSW1 my dad has told her this, she has told him that isn’t true and to butt out as it’s her body, her choice.[/quote]
Surely as an adult, grown woman though she understands that while she is free to make her own decisions about such things, she also needs to live with the consequences.....

YANBU

@SnackSizeRaisin

Yanbu to not want to give her covid and to be concerned about her choice (especially as it makes no sense and is clearly a bad one, probably influenced by some lies on the internet). But I think you were unwise to say you wouldn't see her as soon as she told you this. Due to restrictions you won't be able to see her any time soon anyway. In that time she might have changed her mind. Now she is angry, feeling defensive and probably even less likely to think clearly. It would have been better to find out what her concerns were and take a non confrontational approach to tackling them, making it about her welfare rather than about the effect on you. For example you could have reassured her that actually the vaccines have been tested on people with her conditions, said how worried you would be if she didn't get the vaccine, how you want her to be safe etc, perhaps encourage her to speak to any health professionals she knows, consult trusted websites such as NHS, BBC etc, ask her if her friends have had it or tell her about people you know who've had it. Just keep lines of communication open and let her know you support her. Looking at it from her point of view, to make a decision about your health in good faith and then have your daughter to make you choose between seeing your grand child and accepting a risky treatment must feel pretty awful

Looking at it from her point of view, to make a decision about your health in good faith and then have your daughter to make you choose between seeing your grand child and accepting a risky treatment must feel pretty awful

But it is not the OP making her choose. That is an inevitable result of her choice. She chose that, or at least should be factoring that in to her decision. She can still reach the same decision, but must take it into account that this means people won't be able to visit her for fear of making her ill.
She is feeling angry and awful because she's annoyed she can't have her cake and eat it. It's a tough choice but ultimately, it is up to her. OP is not making her do anything, just pointing out the consequences.

She sounds like a ridiculous child woman who enjoys all the drama of being ill And of having everyone scared that she is about to die

@LadyDique

You're being controlling, manipulative and bang out of order but you're trying to dress it up and present it in a selfless way.

Yabu. It's your mums decision, not yours and you're trying to emotionally blackmail her into doing what YOU want.

The vaccine isn't 100%. So are you saying you'd still stay away from her regardless of if she had it? I mean if you loved her, why put her at the 1%(or whatever) risk of catching it after vaccination?

Actually I think her mum is being manipulative. She has made a decision not taking into account the consequences and wants to now put her daughter in a position where she might end up blaming herself for her mother's death.

I'm sorry but if you decide not to get the vaccine, especially if you're vulnerable, you have to deal with the fact that you are going to have to live essentially completely isolated for a very long time.

She can still reach the same decision and is well within her right to not get the vaccine, doesn't sound like OP is trying to force her to get it, but she cannot ignore the facts or get annoyed when someone else points them out.

Maybe the OP has fears for her own safety too. Or that of her dh or kids. Just because older people are more affected doesn't mean younger people cannot be affected.

OP's mum is entitled to make decisions about her own body but she is not entitled to physical or close contact with her adult child or grandchildren.

We have avoided dh's parents because of Covid. We've had zoom calls and one outdoor meeting in a year. They are our children's only grandparents and our children are their only grandkids.

I felt so sad we could not see then and worried they might die and we would never see them again. To their credit, they have been really hot on not meeting. And my dh has always put their safety first.

I might have risked things early on in the pandemic as I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

I now know 5 people directly affected by Covid and am so glad that dh and his elderly parents were so safety conscious.

Orlania what a nasty tone you are using there

Just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean it's nasty. It's simply an opinion that's not the same as yours 🙄

PinkShimmerSparkle yes I do have an understanding of copd. I still don't agree with you 🤷. But nice assumption that I couldn't possibly know anything about it, because if I did I would surely agree with you. 🤔 Anyway I'm not replying to this thread anymore because it's your drama, and not mine. Maybe you should go and try to make up with your mum rather than disagreeing with strangers on here eh.

Orlania

"Just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean it's nasty. It's simply an opinion that's not the same as yours" And my opinion is that your tone is unpleasant. Your accusing the OP of some pretty nasty things. Yes, I do strongly disagree with you.

And the nasty tone continues, as if you know best. I think we had better just agree to disagree.

How are you doing OP.?

You're accusing...

@Orlania you don’t have to have the same views as me, the world would be very boring if we were all the same however if you did have any clue about COPD then your tone wouldn’t be trying to paint me as a nasty, controlling, emotionally blackmailing evil daughter who wants every thing her own way no matter the cost. I am very level headed and always try to view from other peoples point of view and generally just go with the flow, this is why, in my opinion, she chose to tell me first as she thought I would just say ok and it would be easier to tell my siblings with me backing her up or even me having to tell my siblings, which I think she is waiting for me to do as she hasn’t but I’m not saying a word to them as how they handle it is their choice.
But you are right about the fact that I am selfish, I am selfish because I don’t want her to die!

@Italiangreyhound I’m fine, thank you, How are you?
My mum hasn’t responded to my phone call/ message from yesterday but I was expecting that. It’ll probably be a month or so before she speaks to me now, that’s how it usually goes.
I still don’t think she has told my siblings as none have contacted me and I’m fairly certain one would.

I'm, OK thanks. A friends dad is very ill with Covid and other issues and maybe that is making me super sensitive. Some health issues with my daughter too, not Covid related.

Your mum sounds like she likes to be in control. Did she swear you to secrecy? If not, I think I might tell my siblings! They may have some thoughts on how your mum is behaving.

" I’m not saying a word to them as how they handle it is their choice."

But they don't know so they won't be doing any persuading or otherwise. I'd assume anyone eligible for the jab would take it. Anyway, I do wish you all the best as I think your mum is behaving very badly and it's not fair on you.

@Italiangreyhound sorry to hear you have a lot on your plate at the moment, I hope your friends dad make a full recovery, it’s so scary how bad COVID can be.
Not sworn to secrecy but if I tell them, then I have to tell them about the decision that I have made and they might then decide to do the same when they might not have made that decision.
My mum would definitely blame me for them deciding that if I tell them.
I think she will probably tell my sibling who works in a hospital tomorrow because they are due to get their jab tomorrow so a phone call will probably be made by them to my mum to tell her about it. My other siblings WFH so don’t qualify for a while yet.
Yes my mum definitely likes to be in control.

My mum hasn’t responded to my phone call/ message from yesterday but I was expecting that. It’ll probably be a month or so before she speaks to me now, that’s how it usually goes.

God, she sounds like a right manipulative drama-llama.

Leave her to it, I meant to add - stop fuelling her fire.

This makes no sense to me. You are totally trying to manipulate her into doing something she clearly doesn’t want to do. She has every right to decide whether she has the vaccine or not, like you have the right to decide. You say that you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you passed Covid onto her. How would you know? I’m assuming that your mum isn’t totally housebound so goes shopping and socialising? She could go to Tesco on Friday, see you on Saturday and test positive on Monday who knows where she got it from!

It sounds more like you don’t want to see her and dressing it up as ‘protecting’ her, which she doesn’t want. How would you feel if you as an adult made a decision and it was undermined by your own child.

If you saw your mum and then the next day got symptoms which were confirmed as covid and then shortly afterwards your mum got covid you pretty much would k now that you gave it to her. I'm surprised people are seeing you as the manipulative one here. Your mum is having a bit of a tantrum because you won't do what she wants. She obviously is used to people jumping to her tune.

Choices have consequences, her choice has consequences and she’s trying to bully you into obeying her 😂 people who do this type of thing are zero loss to your life, enjoy the peace, her stonewalling will soon turn into some made up drama when she wants attention again.

@Whyisitsodifficult I would know it was one of us, she has her shopping delivered, she wipes all the shopping before she puts it away and doesn’t have many friends, she probably see’s them once every couple of years so very rarely socialises. She doesn’t go out for exercise as she can’t walk far so needs a mobility scooter which she complains about as people get in her way, so doesn’t bother. She does go out regularly for a drive with my dad though (when restrictions allow.
Why wouldn’t I want to see her? I’m confused by this statement.

" You say that you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you passed Covid onto her. How would you know? I’m assuming that your mum isn’t totally housebound so goes shopping and socialising? She could go to Tesco on Friday, see you on Saturday and test positive on Monday who knows where she got it from!"

isn't that the point, the OP wouldn't know.

"It sounds more like you don’t want to see her and dressing it up as ‘protecting’ her...." I wouldn't blame the OP not wanting to see her mum (sorry OP), but if that were the case, why would she have to come up with some elaborate plan?