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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if she is entitled to make her choice then she needs to accept that I can make my choice and neither is selfish.

125 replies

PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 22:01

My mum has decided she isn’t going to have a COVID jab, she is in the vulnerable category as she has COPD and diabetes. She has said she doesn’t know enough about the effects that is has on those conditions. I am disappointed that she doesn’t want to have the jab but I know this is her body and her choice. Her COPD is bad and if she catches COVID she might not survive it.
I have decided that my family (DH, DC and myself) won’t be seeing her until COVID is more under control. My reasons for this are that I am a 1:1 teaching assistant, it is impossible to do my job without getting close to the children that I work with. My DC are teenagers and although they currently aren’t at school, when they are there social distancing isn’t observed. My DH is going out to work where is mixes with external guests, social distancing and procedures are in place to keep people safe it isn’t a guarantee that he isn’t being exposed.
When my mum called to tell me her decision at the weekend, I then told her that we wouldn’t be seeing her, the reasons why and that ultimately I didn’t want to be the one to give it to her. She massively kicked off saying I was using emotional blackmail to force her to have the jab and I was selfish. When I asked her why my decision was selfish and her wasn’t, she hung up on me. I have not attempted to contact her since and she hasn’t contacted me.
AIBU to think neither me or my mum are being selfish?
So not to drip feed a child in my school bubble was found positive today after having no symptoms, child was tested after their parent tested positive during a routine test at work. I feel this shows the higher risk I have of being exposed/catching it and strengthens my point. I do wear a mask all day to try and reduce the risk.

OP posts:
Orlania · 12/01/2021 23:19

So she's worried about the effects the vaccine might have on her health problems.
You're waiting because you're worried about the effects on your allergy health problems.
But you won't see her until she has it done anyway, because, like you, she's concerned about the vaccine side effects.
So either she has it done anyway, or you won't be visiting. Sounds a bit wrong that.
Personally I'd go and see my mum. She's old enough to make the choice about it.

Calmandmeasured1 · 12/01/2021 23:19

@PinkShimmerSparkle

I wish we could make garden visits but we live 2-3 hours away (depends on traffic), so popping in isn’t an option.
Is meeting up with others in a garden allowed where you live anyway?

pilotsprincess · 12/01/2021 23:26

Your Mum is really really silly.
My close friend has just lost her sister to Covid at 54, COPD and a ventilator wasnt even an option for her, shes gone now.
These real stories of real people should be what the news are showing, maybe people would realise then😔

ktp100 · 12/01/2021 23:30

YANBU at all.

It's her right to reject the jab (although I believe it shouldn't be - they should be mandatory apart from medical exemption in my opinion) but you have the right to decide to protect her, at least from you and your family.

How could you live with yourself if you accidentally gave it to her and she didn't pull through?!!

Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 23:30

@Orlania incorrect, I have been told by my Dr I can’t have it. I don’t have a choice at the moment, I will be having it as soon as I am allowed.
@Calmandmeasured1 no, this will be after restrictions are relaxed.

OP posts:
IDKNABYBIF22 · 12/01/2021 23:30

She's entitled to make her own choice, and I wouldn't say it's selfish, uninformed and a bit illogical maybe.

Does she avoid other things that can have a negative affect on her COPD and diabetes? If she was smoking, eating sugary stuff and not having any exercise then I'd be pulling my hair out a little bit at her logic.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/01/2021 23:31

I sort of think it is her choice whether to put herself at risk though? You aren't at increased risk from seeing her. She should get to choose what is put into her body.

You are in the strong position socially and I can see why she thinks you are using that to force her to have a medical procedure she doesn't want.

Is there any chance some additional info from the trials woukd satisfy her the vaccine is safe?

Yohoheaveho · 12/01/2021 23:33

She's trying to exert her dominance over you
Ignore her she'll back down, and if she doesn't even better you can carry on having no contact with her👍🤩

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 12/01/2021 23:33

A very selfish and ignorant choice for her to make, and it’s disgusting that she thinks she gets to decide then how others react. She’s perfectly legally entitled to refuse medical care but she can’t force others to go through the trauma of infecting her, it’s selfish for her to even consider it.

MaskingForIt · 12/01/2021 23:42

@AnnaSW1

She's made her choice. She needs to accept the consequences. Without proof of vaccine she won't be ale to return to normal life when everyone else does. She's silly.
They’re not handing out proof of vaccine certificates. Don’t be ridiculous.
Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 23:46

@IDKNABYBIF22 she was a heavy smoker until she almost died, she was then diagnosed with COPD and hasn’t smoked since, she also is careful with her diet but probably not a careful as she could be. She struggles to exercise due to her COPD but does do some that has minimal effect on her breathing. She has also been pretty careful about going out and stuff since March which is why this decision is such a shock to me.
@Stompythedinosaur I am hoping she is going to continue researching the effects, I don’t think she will discuss this with me for a while or unless she changes her mind.

OP posts:
DimidDavilby · 12/01/2021 23:48

Has she been antivax propagandaed do you think?

emmskie03 · 12/01/2021 23:52

I am in s similar position although my mum has come round to the vaccine.

The fear of being the ones to make her ill was horrendous for me. Each time we went anywhere near her I worried for 2 weeks after. If we go back to normal we would see her about monthly. There I'd no way I can live with spending 50% of my time terrified.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2021 23:57

Ignore her tantrums. She's made her choice, she has to deal with the consequences.

halfeatenhamper · 12/01/2021 23:57

I am hoping she is going to continue researching the effects

I suppose what she really needs to do is speak to her GP and take their advice on whether she should have the vaccine.

Yohoheaveho · 13/01/2021 00:07

Don't be ridiculous
ya think...😶

Esse321 · 13/01/2021 00:09

Is she scared OP? because if not, help her make an informed decision.
COPD is awful, COVID is awful for someone at her age - if she's scared of the vaccine then get your GP to talk to her.

TatianaBis · 13/01/2021 00:10

It’s not her body her choice but. It’s her body her choice full stop.

If she doesn’t want the vaccine and she wants to carry on seeing you, these are her risks to manage.

It turns out you are worried about vaccine side effects yourself.

(If it’s anaphylaxis, Pfizer and AstraZeneca have been okayed for everyone with severe food, drug, insect allergies etc as long as they are not specifically allergic to one of the ingredients, do not have anaphylaxis reaction to multiple classes of drugs or have unexplained anaphylaxis).

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2021 00:19

You are totally right OP. She has a right to not have the vaccine and you have a right to avoid her because of it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/01/2021 00:29

I think you're basically bullying her into taking the risks you approve of using the impact her death would have on you as a reason to justify trying to control her.

Her death (should it happen) would have a devastating impact on you. I'm not trying to deny that. It would be horrible. But now you're an adult she doesn't owe that sort of care over her life to you. It really should be up to her. So changing your behaviour to something she will hate, just because she's chosen a more risky path for herself (when she doesn't, quite frankly, have to even tell you if she's had the jab or not) is unreasonable pressure.

I might have a bit of a rant at her about how her choice puts the NHS under greater strain and given the way she brought you up you really thought she was a more community minded person (assuming that's something you can reasonably honestly say to her). But I wouldn't try to blackmail her like you are.

user1471453601 · 13/01/2021 00:42

I'm amazed. Having a copd exacerbation is as scary as hell. There is no way on earth that I would actively choose to die like that.

I have copd, and if the vaccine kills me (so very unlikely, that I've ruled it out), id still chance it.

Not being able to breath is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. Not being able to breath after once walking up stairs ( happens to me 3 or 4 times a day), is one thing, not being able to breath while sitting in my chair is another entirely.

At 70 and now cev, I'll have mine as soon as it's offered. If I have to get a taxi to and from the 400 mile trip to my nearest vaccination centre, it will seem like money well spent.

And yes,I know I'm !uc!y to have enough ready cash to say that

Sinful8 · 13/01/2021 00:54

Meh you're obviously doing it to punish her.

Just remember shes got a lot less time to forgive than you will have to regret

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 13/01/2021 01:07

I know the vaccine isn’t a magic wand but I’d be gutted if my parents refused to have it.

I care for them and live with them and my biggest fear is that I take this virus home with me from work or elsewhere.

I’m super careful of course and will continue to be so but at least with the vaccine they might just be slightly unwell as opposed to being hospitalised or worse.

You are certainly not being unreasonable OP. You are allowed to make choices - as is your mother.

And as I see it, her choice has directly influenced yours. Flowers

SanguineParadise · 13/01/2021 01:20

I think you are being unreasonable and I am sympathetic to your mum's point of view. You evidently think you know better than her, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to coerce her into getting the vaccine by threatening to prevent her from seeing your family otherwise.

It's her choice whether she risks catching the virus or not. You're clearly not worried about catching it from her yourself, so why are you trying to coerce her into getting an injection under the guise of 'protecting her health'. Do you criticise or control all other choices she makes regarding her health and lifestyle? Do you control what food she eats, how much sleep she gets, how much she drinks and smokes etc? Do you insist that she get the flu and pneumonia vaccines every year, and that she take vitamin supplements? It is her body and her choice what she does with it, and if you genuinely believed that you wouldn't be criticising her in mumsnet posts and threatening her from not seeing her daughter (you) and grandson so that she would comply with your opinion that she should get the vaccine.

NoseinBook3 · 13/01/2021 01:29

I also feel it is her choice (right or wrong) and that you should respect that. I would still visit but try to do so in a socially distanced way. I don’t think it’s fair to say you won’t see her if she doesn’t get the vaccine. That is coercion even if that’s not how you intend it.