Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if she is entitled to make her choice then she needs to accept that I can make my choice and neither is selfish.

125 replies

PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 22:01

My mum has decided she isn’t going to have a COVID jab, she is in the vulnerable category as she has COPD and diabetes. She has said she doesn’t know enough about the effects that is has on those conditions. I am disappointed that she doesn’t want to have the jab but I know this is her body and her choice. Her COPD is bad and if she catches COVID she might not survive it.
I have decided that my family (DH, DC and myself) won’t be seeing her until COVID is more under control. My reasons for this are that I am a 1:1 teaching assistant, it is impossible to do my job without getting close to the children that I work with. My DC are teenagers and although they currently aren’t at school, when they are there social distancing isn’t observed. My DH is going out to work where is mixes with external guests, social distancing and procedures are in place to keep people safe it isn’t a guarantee that he isn’t being exposed.
When my mum called to tell me her decision at the weekend, I then told her that we wouldn’t be seeing her, the reasons why and that ultimately I didn’t want to be the one to give it to her. She massively kicked off saying I was using emotional blackmail to force her to have the jab and I was selfish. When I asked her why my decision was selfish and her wasn’t, she hung up on me. I have not attempted to contact her since and she hasn’t contacted me.
AIBU to think neither me or my mum are being selfish?
So not to drip feed a child in my school bubble was found positive today after having no symptoms, child was tested after their parent tested positive during a routine test at work. I feel this shows the higher risk I have of being exposed/catching it and strengthens my point. I do wear a mask all day to try and reduce the risk.

OP posts:
MagnoliaXYZ · 12/01/2021 22:22

I agree with you. You have the choice whether or not you see her once it is allowed. You don't want to feel guilty if she were to catch covid (and I'm sure you would feel guilty even if it wasn't confirmed it came from you or your family) so you have every right to stay away. Totally your decision whether you see her.

Yummymummy2020 · 12/01/2021 22:24

I don’t think you are unreasonable. It is up to everyone if they want the jab or not. She is high risk and you want to protect her. You could do garden visits safely though to check in on her without much risk to her if you keep your distance and even wear a mask? I do agree it’s a high risk job you do too so you are right to be careful.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2021 22:25

Yanbu

bluebirdsong · 12/01/2021 22:27

Can you not see her outside and socially distanced rather than not at all?

OrigamiOwl · 12/01/2021 22:29

YANBU... You both get to make your own choices here.

PipsM · 12/01/2021 22:30

The key thing to remember with masks is that they’d stop you spreading it, if you have it, but they won’t stop you from catching it. I work in a school and always wear a mask when I’m with others but still caught it before Christmas.
My mum is in my childcare bubble and had seen me when I collected my child from her and I was terrified one of us had given her covid and she doesn’t have any underlying health concerns (luckily she didn’t catch it as I followed social distancing from her).
Agree, could you possibly see her at a social distance outside to check in with her? But I don’t think YABU if it’s her choice not to have the vaccine (I would have it in a heartbeat if I could have avoided 4 1/2 weeks of feeling as rough as I still do).

AnnaSW1 · 12/01/2021 22:38

She's made her choice. She needs to accept the consequences. Without proof of vaccine she won't be ale to return to normal life when everyone else does. She's silly.

Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 22:38

I wish we could make garden visits but we live 2-3 hours away (depends on traffic), so popping in isn’t an option. Pre COVID we saw each other every 6-8 weeks taking it in turns to visit, staying over night or for a few nights in each other’s houses as we can’t really afford hotels. We enjoy spending time with my parents so this is hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 22:42

@AnnaSW1 my dad has told her this, she has told him that isn’t true and to butt out as it’s her body, her choice.

OP posts:
Cadent · 12/01/2021 22:45

@AnnaSW1

She's made her choice. She needs to accept the consequences. Without proof of vaccine she won't be ale to return to normal life when everyone else does. She's silly.
Do people get a certificate / card after getting the vaccine?
MedusaElectronica · 12/01/2021 22:50

How very difficult.

And unnecessary. Yes, her body, her choice, but really. Maybe suggest she call her GP and ask about people with her condition having the vaccine?

In the one hand I think she can make her own mind up and if she chooses to take the risk and see you, that is up to her. She has to take responsibility for her own risk taking. She isn’t a child. (Though god knows why she thinks seeing all of you is ok but thinks the vaccine is risky)

On the other hand a clear message in what is being asked of us is ‘protect the NHS’, so even if your mother is hell bent on catching it, you don’t want to be responsible for infecting someone who then needs the most intensive of all resources because if her condition.

She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her —silly— views.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 12/01/2021 22:51

I do agree with you. The difficulty is that covid isn't going to go anywhere. Even when the vaccination programme is 'complete' i.e. everyone that wants it has had it, covid will still be about, it's just there will be a lot less hospital admissions/deaths because most people won't get seriously ill unless they're e very unlucky. The virus will still be making the rounds for years and years (this is my understanding anyway, unless they have proven the vaccine stops transmission). So be prepared not to see her for a very long time if she doesn't change her mind. She's being silly in my opinion and hopefully she will change her mind.

candycane222 · 12/01/2021 22:52

I don't think you are being unreasonable though you might have been a bit blunt. Hopefully she can come to understand your reasoning in time.

As and when the heat has gone out of the situation - and without rushing it - we would presumably hope there would be more data available about whether people with her conditions are or are not particularly adversely affected - this vaccine drive will lead to a lot more data available very fast - so you could agree that its a bit unnerving, but try to soften her a little for being a 'later adopter' , perhaps in 6 months or so, "when they have lots more safety information"?

Good luck, it so tough isn't it?

BrummyMum1 · 12/01/2021 22:54

It sounds like she didn’t think ahead about the bigger picture of refusing the vaccine. Her actions have consequences and if she doesn’t like those consequences, that’s her problem not yours.

candycane222 · 12/01/2021 22:55

I mean I'm sure the vaccine is as safe for her as for anyone else, but I can see why she might not feel that. When lots of her contemporaries have had it and are remaining well, she might relax. Try not to drive her into an entrenched defensive position.

Clymene · 12/01/2021 22:55

YANBU

I have a parent with COPD and have told them I'm not seeing them until after they have had both vaccines (they've had the first one). I couldn't bear it if I were the one that infected them.

Lindy2 · 12/01/2021 23:01

I agree with you.

If it was my mum I don't think I would accept her position on the vaccine quite so calmly. We might not have had time to have detailed research about the vaccine and conditions like COPD and diabetes. However, we've had enough time to know that the impact of Coronavirus and these conditions is that it is more likely to be fatal. I'd be very upset by her decision.

hoodiemum · 12/01/2021 23:01

We were in the same position until recently. We did an awkward outdoors visit and made clear it would be like that for ever unless DDad got vaccinated. My siblings did similar. Luckily DDad changed his mind when the rates started going sky high in his area and he's now put himself on the waiting list for a jab.
YANBU. It doesn't matter if your mum thinks the risk is acceptable to her. You have every right to decide the risk to your mental health is too high if you have to go to your mum's funeral knowing your actions caused her death. Hope she changes her mind like my usually very stubborn dad did.

Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 23:06

Thank you everyone, I will try and call her at the weekend. She definitely needs time to cool down.
Perhaps I was blunt and saying until COVID had to be under control wasn’t realistic.
I can’t have the 1st approved vaccine at the moment as it’s caused some severe reactions to people with severe allergies so I have to wait for more research before I can have that one but I’m hoping I can have the 2nd approved vaccine but again until people start receiving them we don’t know much about side effects.
I am very much hoping that she changes her mind, hopefully when more research is done then she will.

OP posts:
Premiumbond · 12/01/2021 23:09

@Cadent
Yes, I was given a card with the name & batch number on for jab 1 & booster.

marshmallowfluffy · 12/01/2021 23:14

I agree that you're both unreasonable and it's not your job to change her mind.

Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 23:14

@Lindy2 I am fuming inside and have ranted at DH.
I don’t think she has thought about how my siblings and I would feel about her choice, one of my siblings works on the frontline in a hospital and is seeing first hand the effects. I don’t think she has told them yet as they haven’t called me to rant.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2021 23:15

My mother said this, based I think on the assumption that if everyone else in the family has had it then she will be safe. But I pointed out that we could be safe from developing symptoms but there is no guarantee we wouldnt be carrying it and pass it on so we would still be staying away.

My dad said that he wouldnt bother having it either then as he wouldnt be able to go out and do anything for fear of bringing it home. She has been so strict about everything surrounding Covid because although she is (just) 70, she is fit and healthy but my father isnt. He has COPD and wouldnt stand a good chance if he caught it. She is terrified of being the one to give it to him.

The fact that he wont have it if she doesnt as there is , in his words, no point (and I have to say, I see his point) has meant that she has now changed her mind. The thought that he would still be at risk is a bigger issue for her than anything that the Daily Mail is telling her is an "unknown risk".

Let her calm down and you might find that your mother does the same.

Original poster
PinkShimmerSparkle · 12/01/2021 23:18

@marshmallowfluffy I will not be trying to change her mind, this is her choice and I have a right to my choice. I will try to keep my relationship with her by calling her as I would normally do.

OP posts:
Defenbaker · 12/01/2021 23:19

YANBU, you both have the right to make your own choices, and you both have to live with them.

Living so far away makes things more awkward, as you need to stay overnight, which means a lot of contact indoors, for many hours - I agree it's too high a risk. Hopefully your DM will change her mind, once millions of others have received the vaccine, with no ill effects afterwards (apart from a sore arm and/or headache, both are common apparently). If she doesn't relent, perhaps you could meet her at an outdoors venue, in the summer, somewhere halfway between your two homes? A short time together might give her a reminder of what she's been missing, and motivate her to have the jab.