To think if she is entitled to make her choice then she needs to accept that I can make my choice and neither is selfish.

[PinkShimmerSparkle]

My mum has decided she isn’t going to have a COVID jab, she is in the vulnerable category as she has COPD and diabetes. She has said she doesn’t know enough about the effects that is has on those conditions. I am disappointed that she doesn’t want to have the jab but I know this is her body and her choice. Her COPD is bad and if she catches COVID she might not survive it.
I have decided that my family (DH, DC and myself) won’t be seeing her until COVID is more under control. My reasons for this are that I am a 1:1 teaching assistant, it is impossible to do my job without getting close to the children that I work with. My DC are teenagers and although they currently aren’t at school, when they are there social distancing isn’t observed. My DH is going out to work where is mixes with external guests, social distancing and procedures are in place to keep people safe it isn’t a guarantee that he isn’t being exposed.
When my mum called to tell me her decision at the weekend, I then told her that we wouldn’t be seeing her, the reasons why and that ultimately I didn’t want to be the one to give it to her. She massively kicked off saying I was using emotional blackmail to force her to have the jab and I was selfish. When I asked her why my decision was selfish and her wasn’t, she hung up on me. I have not attempted to contact her since and she hasn’t contacted me.
AIBU to think neither me or my mum are being selfish?
So not to drip feed a child in my school bubble was found positive today after having no symptoms, child was tested after their parent tested positive during a routine test at work. I feel this shows the higher risk I have of being exposed/catching it and strengthens my point. I do wear a mask all day to try and reduce the risk.

Thank you for all responses, to be clear I am definitely not trying to control my mum or force her to change her mind. It is her choice based on her own concerns, she isn’t usually against vaccinations so something she has read has helped make her decision. We had not discussed the vaccine until she raised it on our usual call on the weekend, it had not occurred to me that she would not have it, I was completely blindsided and said that I didn’t want to be the person (or my family) that passed it on to her and I gave her the reasons why. I did make it clear that it was her decision and to do what she thought was the best thing for her but I would be doing what I was the best thing too.
I know that the vaccine isn’t a magic wand but it will reduce the effects of COVID on our bodies and I will feel more comfortable knowing she has more protection if she has had the jab.
I do not know if she has been offered it yet and probably won’t be told when she is.

@DuckPancakesWithHoisinSauce

My friend had to fly this week on compassionate grounds. The airline insisted on a private certificate certifying she tested negative for Covid. £360.

Hopefully they'd take proof of vaccine instead as it will be a massive expense for holidays. So I would imagine they'll start providing them. My MIL in another country is just about to have her second jab and will get a certificate stating she has had it.

That's pretty normal nowdays. Anyone coming back to the UK will also need to prove they are covid negative. A vaccine isn't acceptable because it doesnt stop someone from spreading the disease (as afr as we know blablabla). And she will still have to self isolate when back in the uk too.

So @PinkShimmerSparkle, what you are saying is that you are taking away the ability of seeing her dcs and gard chikdren from your mum, even though she KNOWS and she is WILLING to take that risk.

In my books, this is still making a decision for her. Especially as I am pretty sure you have seen before the lockdown and the possibility of a her been vaccinated.

As someone said up thread, you'll probably have a much longer time to regret than she will have to forgive. She's made a choice about her own body. Your concern is that you will pass the virus to her, not that she will pass it to you. Denying an older person the opportunity to see their grandchildren unless they do as you want is pretty horrible imo. I hope you find it in yourself to live with that decision. I'd struggle with it personally.

If my parent decided not to have the vaccine, that is their choice.

It is my choice whether I want to chance the risk that I personally introduced a virus, with known serious consequences for that parent, that caused the parents death. I absolutely do not want to live another 50+ years with that on my conscience. I refuse to inflict that knowledge on my sibling.

My children are young. It is my responsibility to protect them from living with the similar burden for 80+ years.

I refuse to accept that burden. I refuse to lay that burden on my children. That is my choice.

It is not emotional blackmail. It's a consequence to the circumstances. Yes, those circumstances were created by a parent refusing a vaccine, but that doesn't change the consequence, nor lessen the burden.

I'm with you 100% OP. YA definitely NBU.

Surely the real issue is the inability of the mother to tolerate dissent from the daughter?
Faced with a difference of opinion she is unable to control herself, she kicks off and slams the phone down!

YABU. She is deciding the risk she is willing to take with her life, your decision is not based on the risk to you but to her.

You aren’t really respecting her choice at all.

Faced with a difference of opinion she is unable to control herself, she kicks off and slams the phone down!

It's more than simply a difference of opinion though isn't it. It's more a case of blackmail. If the mother doesn't do what the op wants, (have a vaccine that the op is also not having) then the op uses her power and withdraws her contact to another person, the grandchild. That's shit behaviour. Doubt later on I would be that forgiving to the op as the child either.

OP I am not classed as old or vulnerable and although I can understand your mums point of view to a point regarding how she doesnt have enough information to satisfy her own curiosity about the vaccine I still think she is being unreasonable in her approach to you You made a wise decision to stay away and not put her at anymore risk than is needed to protect her and she refuses to see you did this out of love and wanting to protect her..she is being foolish not to see this fact. I have just been discharged today from hospital and having had 3 covid tests over a week I can assure you and everyone else her its not until you are in hospital do you truly reaslise how terrifying it is. I am lucky I was only diagnosed as having pnuemonia and plursay and not covid as was suspected. Maybe as a way of going forward you could forward some facts to mum as to the benefits so she can digest at her own pace.I hope she reconsiders once she digests things more calmly in her own time.Why would she indeed want to be separate from her family anymore than she need be? If this has taught us anything its stuff doesnt matter but hugs and people do...in that effect this virus has been a great leveller...I hope she sees sense. for herself and for you.You are doing the right thing!

she is in the vulnerable category as she has COPD and diabetes. She has said she doesn’t know enough about the effects that is has on those conditions.

   OTOH, by now she should know the effect of covid on patients with  those conditions :-(

   Stick to your guns ;
   1)  you have the same right to choose your own path as she does
    2)  it sounds as if  your choice might  (just)  persuade her to accept vaccination.
     3) covid vaccination is very new. In a couple of months time your Mum's   perceptions will change  as the benefits  to the nation  (and vaccinated people) become very obvious .

it's more a case of blackmail
You say 'blackmail' I say 'letting her know what the consequences of her choice will be'

You say 'blackmail' I say 'letting her know what the consequences of her choice will be'

Glad my family aren't controlling arseholes.

@ThinkWittyThoughts

If my parent decided not to have the vaccine, that is their choice.

It is my choice whether I want to chance the risk that I personally introduced a virus, with known serious consequences for that parent, that caused the parents death. I absolutely do not want to live another 50+ years with that on my conscience. I refuse to inflict that knowledge on my sibling.

My children are young. It is my responsibility to protect them from living with the similar burden for 80+ years.

I refuse to accept that burden. I refuse to lay that burden on my children. That is my choice.

It is not emotional blackmail. It's a consequence to the circumstances. Yes, those circumstances were created by a parent refusing a vaccine, but that doesn't change the consequence, nor lessen the burden.

I'm with you 100% OP. YA definitely NBU.

This.

How selfish do you have to be to demand that others live with this on their conscience?

ThinkWittyThoughts 100 percent correct.

If the OP's mum were to die without seeing her, what exactly would OP have to feel guilty about? She would know that neither she nor her kids had given her mum a deadly disease. She would know it was her mum's own fault she had not seen her daughter or grandchildren in person before dying.

Whatever you do OP you need to feel happy I yourself that you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. Your mum is choosing to go against medical advice.

Another one agreeing with ThinkWittyThoughts - you cannot demand other people and children potentially have to live with the knowledge they gave you a virus that killed you.

Refusing to accept that risk for yourself or your children doesn't make you a controlling arsehole. It makes you someone who has made the choice not to take that risk.

@Orlania I will not regret it as we can talk with her on the phone or FaceTime her. I do not want to physically see her as she will not be able to keep her distance. Would you be able to live with yourself if you gave a loved one COVID and then they died as a result? I’d struggle with it personally.

I tried to call her today but she didn’t answer so I text saying I’d like to talk to her, she’s read but ignored. I am going to leave it and wait for her to contact me.
I still don’t think that she has told my siblings as they haven’t contacted me, I know sibling that works in a hospital will as we are close but not sure if they other 2 will as we aren’t as close.

@CatherinedeBourgh

YABU. She is deciding the risk she is willing to take with her life, your decision is not based on the risk to you but to her.

You aren’t really respecting her choice at all.

You are being ridiculous. Could you live with yourself if you knew you had caused the death of a parent?

It isn't as if the OP could just stand at the end of the drive to her mother's house for 5 minutes, as it is a minimum of a 4 - 6 hour round trip.

@PinkShimmerSparkle can your mum talk to a medical professional who can advise her of the risks?

@Ginfordinner I would like to ask this but she is ignoring me now so will have to wait and see if one of my siblings will suggested this when they are told.

She's ignoring you! Sounds like she's the controlling one to me!

will not regret it as we can talk with her on the phone or FaceTime her. I do not want to physically see her as she will not be able to keep her distance.
I'm sure she'll be delighted to talk to you from a distance. Good luck with that.

Would you be able to live with yourself if you gave a loved one COVID and then they died as a result? I’d struggle with it personally.

I would be as careful as possible and continue to see her. After all, she is an adult. Unless you don't think she's got capacity to make her own decisions, being older and all that. Personally I'd struggle with treating my older parent as though they were a child, whose unable to weigh up decisions and consequences for themselves. No wonder your mother is annoyed with you. It must be very frustrating to have ones child take over and try and blackmail them to do what they want them to do. You do you though. I'm sure you won't regret it one bit....

@Orlania Do you have an ill parent or any understanding of COPD? Have you had a parent go into critical care/intensive care almost every year for the past 11 years and placed on a ventilator just so they have a chance of living? No?? Then you couldn’t possibly understand that the decision that she has made has completely crushed me, I am desperate to protect her from getting COVID and if that means I have to keep away from her until the risk to her is minimal then I will.
It is her choice as an adult not to have the vaccine and accept the risk to her life but she has to accept that it is my choice not to increase the risk to her.

@Italiangreyhound she is often “cool”with us if we don’t agree with her, we often felt like we were walking on egg shells growing up.

My mum had COPD, and was blue lighted to hospital several times during the last couple of years of her life. You have my every sympathy @PinkShimmerSparkle. I understand entirely where you are coming from.

I think YABU as it is her choice to get vaccinated or not. If she understands the risks wrt seeing you, surely it is her decision. Equally it is your choice to visit or not.

You're being controlling, manipulative and bang out of order but you're trying to dress it up and present it in a selfless way.

Yabu. It's your mums decision, not yours and you're trying to emotionally blackmail her into doing what YOU want.

The vaccine isn't 100%. So are you saying you'd still stay away from her regardless of if she had it? I mean if you loved her, why put her at the 1%(or whatever) risk of catching it after vaccination?