To let dd stop piano lessons

[cantcopewiththisshitanylonger]

Dd7 has been doing piano for a few months and now is adamant she wants to stop. She started in lockdown with an app and loved it so we got her a teacher after the first lockdown finished.

My issue is that she said she wanted to stop before Xmas but she agreed to go up to Xmas and then decide. She decided to continue and so I let the teacher know she was going to continue. One lesson in and she wants to quit again.

I don't want to let her stop because she's good at it and I think it's a good skill to have but her dad thinks we shouldn't force her.

Starting to get sick of the arguments over it and thinking it's easier just to let her stop.

It might not be relevant but she does do another club that she really enjoys and gets excited about.

Aibu to let her quit?

[quote Littlewhitedove2]@UrAWizHarry interesting you bring up maths because it’s been studied and well documented that learning an instrument and to read music actually benefits mathematical learning quite significantly[/quote]
Probably doesn't help that much if you don't actually engage with it though, does it?

Some people don't enjoy learning musical instruments, and parents who force their kids to do so are usually unreasonable control freaks.

Meh, I dont mind if people think I'm an "unreasonable control freak".

I'm not sure why insisting my dc do a couple of years of music is so much more controversial than the fact that I insist they learned to swim and read.

My dc don't actually hate their music lessons really. They do moan a bit about having to practice, but they moan a bit about all sorts of things that I know are good for them! I tend to think if your dc really hates lessons then either they have the wrong teacher or aren't getting enough support to practice. There are plenty of ways to make it more enjoyable.

I feel so strongly about this, won't bore you as to why.

Music should be available to all children as part of the nc but properly done with a specialist in each primary.
The problem is even within the same sector there can be huge discrepencies in opportunities.
I think teaching the basic theory of reading music and playing an instrument of their own choice should be a given.
However, I don't think they should be pushed to play an instrument if they don't want to.
I feel the same about sport, if a child doesn't want to play sport, let them just exercise for good health.
Art and Drama, ditto.

@Stompythedinosaur

Meh, I dont mind if people think I'm an "unreasonable control freak".

I'm not sure why insisting my dc do a couple of years of music is so much more controversial than the fact that I insist they learned to swim and read.

My dc don't actually hate their music lessons really. They do moan a bit about having to practice, but they moan a bit about all sorts of things that I know are good for them! I tend to think if your dc really hates lessons then either they have the wrong teacher or aren't getting enough support to practice. There are plenty of ways to make it more enjoyable.

Maybe because swimming (prevents death by drowning) and reading (an essential part of communication) are life skills that just about everyone needs.

Being able to hammer out chopsticks on the piano, not so much. I don't think it's particually controversial to say that some people just have no interest and/or natural ability to learn an instrument, and therefore pushing them to do so is both a complete waste of time and a bit mean.

@Daphnise

If she had real interest and talent she would never want to stop.

So she doesn't.

Best to let her stop now. If the subject arises again later, say no.

That's just not true.

Lots of kids do things that they are not keen on the work part - but when they get to be adults, they are keen, and talented. Basically everything kids do in school, they are required to do to a certain standard, and many would prefer not to do the work. And yet many grow up to appreciate those things.

If she had real interest and talent she would never want to stop

Ha Ha you know this is really rare. Most children are doing it for their parents foremost, even if they really enjoy it.
It's a while before they start to see any progress, it needs to be enjoyable and fun but have a start and end to practice.
Those with talent and interest know when to stop, because they know their aim has been met.

And I also would consider music, not a hobby, but a core subject. This idea that there is vocational information, and hobbies, is kind of impoverished. The arts aren't extras. Not everyone has to become a "hobbyist" but some level of competency in the basics is part of being an educated person. And it has been considered basic in most cultures.

I personally think you either are musical or not. If you're not musical then having parents force you to learn and instrument must be boring torture. Equally if you are musical but not learning the right instrument(s) for you, it's miserable and pointless. If you are musical and 'in tune with' (sorry) your instrument then it's possible to get through regular often boring daily practice and get enough satisfaction out of making and experiencing music to make it worthwhile.

It's ok not to be musical, do what resonates with you and brings your joy. this might be baking, cooking, chess, swimming, yoga, knitting, sewing, crafting, pets, dance or whatever. It's totally pointless to force your kid to learn an instrument or any other extra curricular skill if it doesn't suit their personality.

OP has not been back.

Let her quit. Kids only ever become good at something if they are passionate or driven by a tiger parent I to it. I was pushed into playing piano and as soon as I could give up without hurting parents as much after years of yelling about practicing I did and not played since.

If a child has a passion they will practice without being reminded. Like one of my kids is a gymnast and when he gets back from gymnastics he will practice more just for the love.

But also if there is the odd wobble as something is tough or they don't feel comfortable with a certain coach or teacher etc help them through that with changes and support with out quiting if they truly loved the hobby or sport. But I guess you just have to balance out if this is a true passion and a blimp or something their heart isn't in.

It's very good for brain development so even if she doesn't keep it up longer term then she's getting benefit now. I wouldn't quit so soon. Learning in lockdown isn't very representative of what it could be like learning to play with a teacher in the room practicing for exams, festivals, playing in school. Long term she will get a lot out of being able to read music, say if she switches to another instrument later.

I make my dc learn and they enjoy being able to show off to grandparents on FaceTime or sending videos to their teachers to go on the school blog.

I support them with practice as does dh who is not musical so even if you can't play you can sit and listen, you could learn along with her to help her whilst she gets going with the simple stuff. Just being able to point out where she is playing incorrectly (notes or rhythm). Can you or dh sit in on her zoom lesson? I managed to help improve ds2 once I could sit in on his violin lesson. It's hard work but worth it. They need to have something to show for themselves later in life (university applications etc) and piano exams are excellent to prove you have determination, application and intelligence.

UrAWizHarry

Maybe because swimming (prevents death by drowning) and reading (an essential part of communication) are life skills that just about everyone needs.

I would say that the ability to cope with change is pretty essential - that is what the increased brain plasticity means. And in the way swimming lessons decrease risk of drowning, music lessons decrease risk of dementia.

Learning to play isn't really about being able to "bang out chopsticks".

I fully agree with Chestnut that music should be a cote subject offered to everyone, it is really important.

Let it go before you spend thousands on it and abandon it anyway

@GreyPebbledash

That's not what I said, but I think it's proper inverse snobbery not to recognise an extra facet to creation over consumption alone.

Well no, what you said was How much poorer would your life and quality of life - including what’s now rather confusedly called ‘mental health’ - be without what you dismissively term ‘a hobby’? which insinuates that you cannot properly enjoy music without learning more about it. Not just 'an extra facet' as you've said above.

I learned guitar and piano up till I was 16 and did my grade 4 in both @little*@Littlewhitedove2 and @biddybird*. Maybe I just don't really sure what you mean about 'deeper appreciations', because I just enjoy it for the music. I had the opportunity and I didn't want it. I can, however, watch ballet and appreciate the technical aspects because I loved doing ballet more than anything, nothing about that was forced on me.

Yanbu. I know someone who quit at eight, took it up again in his early teens and is amazing now.

She will probably do much better in a year or two with an in person teacher. Also look for a teacher who lets her do pop not just classical... There are some bad teachers around...

I'd guess the problem is she's being taught to pass grade exams. That is super dull and intensive work. Maybe agree with DD and teacher that there's no need to focus on exams until DD wants to start working toward them? DD might enjoy piano a lot more if she's playing for fun - instead of working on exam technique and memorising set pieces. After all, when she started with an app in lockdown she was playing for fun.

[quote Littlewhitedove2]@UrAWizHarry interesting you bring up maths because it’s been studied and well documented that learning an instrument and to read music actually benefits mathematical learning quite significantly[/quote]
I'm sorry but I have to say this is a generalisation.
I have first hand proof of this that Noblegiraffe would agree with.
How about a scraping a level 4 Maths and being an exceptionally gifted musician from an early age

I have found that many gifted musical children are also good at maths.
Or just gifted at everything

@Stompythedinosaur

UrAWizHarry

Maybe because swimming (prevents death by drowning) and reading (an essential part of communication) are life skills that just about everyone needs.

I would say that the ability to cope with change is pretty essential - that is what the increased brain plasticity means. And in the way swimming lessons decrease risk of drowning, music lessons decrease risk of dementia.

Learning to play isn't really about being able to "bang out chopsticks".

I fully agree with Chestnut that music should be a cote subject offered to everyone, it is really important.

Lots of things reduce dementia risk, or are beneficial in other ways. Why not encourage the kid to take up running for the benefits of being fit and healthy?

Or, here's the thing - why not just let the kid find something they actually enjoy doing in their spare time?

I would agree that music should be offered to all. It's not a core subject in the same way as maths, english, science etc are and never will be, however, and I say this as someone who plays multiple instruments.

Because although running improves your health, there's no evidence that it brings about the sort of changes to brain structure that music does. Not all activities are equal.

I think she should be encouraged to continue but only if she enjoys it (at least lessons even if not always practice). She is only very young so find a teacher who is willing to let her have fun rather than endlessly practice tedious things. Also can she do some easy duets with you doing the other hand, or play things for the family to sing to? Or maybe you play things for her to sing to or play percussion. It should be about performance, enjoyment, a group activity, not just sitting alone practising.
Or maybe piano is not the best choice. Recorder can be easier for little ones to pick up. It's really a love for music performance that you want to foster at this age, not technical skills so much. If you can get her to agree to 10 mins practice a day for the next month and she still wants to give up then let her, but don't drop music altogether. She might take it up again in a year or 2.
My partner learned guitar from age 7. He was on the same beginner book from 1991 till 1995...and was only halfway through it by that point. No wonder he gave up!

@Stompythedinosaur

Because although running improves your health, there's no evidence that it brings about the sort of changes to brain structure that music does. Not all activities are equal.

Well, dance is the best for both physical and mental exercise, so sod sitting at the piano - let her get up and shake her thang.

Let her quit. Extra curricular activities are meant to be enjoyable,

If she enjoys playing with an app why not let her continue? If that is what she enjoys she might stick with it and then she can decide to have lessons at some point in the future.

Some people are able to teach themselves how to play an instrument - maybe not a high classical standard, but enough to create music, and isn’t that the point?

why waste money forcing your daughter to do something she hates?
take piano lessons yourself if you're that keen

music lessons decrease risk of dementia.

But not belief in cod science.

Playing an instrument throughout your life may marginally reduce the likelihood of some forms of dementia.

Being forced to do a couple of years of piano when you are a child definitely won’t.

merrymouse On the off chance you are actually interested, here are some relevant free research papers. There's an adequate body of evidence to base my statements on.

www.researchgate.net/publication/270220620_Playing_a_Musical_Instrument_as_a_Protective_Factor_against_Dementia_and_Cognitive_Impairment_A_Population-Based_Twin_Study

www.jneurosci.org/content/37/24/5948

www.repository.cam.ac.uk/handle/1810/299484