To let dd stop piano lessons

[cantcopewiththisshitanylonger]

Dd7 has been doing piano for a few months and now is adamant she wants to stop. She started in lockdown with an app and loved it so we got her a teacher after the first lockdown finished.

My issue is that she said she wanted to stop before Xmas but she agreed to go up to Xmas and then decide. She decided to continue and so I let the teacher know she was going to continue. One lesson in and she wants to quit again.

I don't want to let her stop because she's good at it and I think it's a good skill to have but her dad thinks we shouldn't force her.

Starting to get sick of the arguments over it and thinking it's easier just to let her stop.

It might not be relevant but she does do another club that she really enjoys and gets excited about.

Aibu to let her quit?

I’d let her stop. Don’t make an issue of her changing her mind. There is nothing wrong with wanting to quit and then decided you’ll give it another chance before deciding it definitely is not for you. I’d praise her for giving it a second chance rather than make an issue out of. There is no need for arguments. Whether or not to learn a musical instrument should be child led and they are only human.

I had this with DS1. He said he hated it, he whinged and complained and I kept persuading him to continue because he was good at it.
I let him quit in the end as I decided it was just not important enough. I wish I'd given in sooner.

Then I made the mistake of not even trying music lessons with my second child (now 22 and learning piano). He blames me to this day

Do people really regret being unable to play the piano when they're older? I mean, I suppose it would be nice - though I can't imagine when I'd ever sit down and do it - and it would be kind of nice to play chess, speak Greek, dance on my toes and do everything else I've given up on over the years - but I can't say it keeps me awake at night. Piano was my mother's ambition - not mine.

I don't want to let her stop because she's good at it and I think it's a good skill to have but her dad thinks we shouldn't force her.

Why is ot a good skill to have? What will she use it for?

No point continuing the lessons if she doesn't want to do it, sadly. She needs to enjoy it to do all the practice that is necessary to make real progress.

I agree with PPs that learning an instrument is a really important part of a child's educations but 7 is still quite young, she may want to try again later, or with another instrument. By insisting now you could put her off for life.

It might be easier to persuade her if she could be part of a small group or musical ensemble some time in the future.

I do get your perspective but I disagree. Tell a professional musician that.

Any professional needs relevant skills to do their job - music isn't a life skill in the same way that tree surgery and ballet dancing aren't life skills.

None of the professional musicians I know are in the job because their parents forced them as children - they all enjoy playing and that's why they do it. They practise because they like it want to get better, not because it's part of their job.

I wish my parents had made me carry on, but then, I was one of those kids that wanted to try everything. I was only about 7 though. I took up a wind instrument in high school and did it for years. Tried guitar, but my guitarist father was a horrible horrible teacher.

We've tried to get the dc to play guitar, but they don't really want to. After years of school lessons.

@GabriellaMontez I’m a professional musician and so are many of my friends and we all live and breathe music (you’d have to, there isn’t a lot of money to be made and especially not now!) , if you be a professional it has be a serious passion. If you want it to be a hobby you have to enjoy it, and if neither of these apply to you it is ok to give it up!
I would agree that being able to play an instrument is a great part of a well rounded education , this is the case for most of my pupils. I know that my lessons are just a part of their overall portfolio of skills, as it were, but they all enjoy it and bring music to the lessons to learn like Adele or some film music they’ve heard as well as my core curriculum. I can tell immediately children who are not enjoying it and are simply under pressure from home, and if can put me in a tricky position as I also feel as though I’m forcing the child to go through a lesson that they have not prepared for and are not enjoying. If I speak to the parents about lack of practise I feel as though I am nagging, and I am aware that I am a luxury , but no enjoyment = no practise = no progress = unhappy parents wondering what they’re paying me for!

I feel conflicted on this topic because whilst I feel kids shouldn't be forced into stuff that they really don't want to, I did in fact "make" DD continue with piano and it was the right thing to do. She started playing at 6 but went through a long period from about 7/8 to 10/11 when she wanted to give up. I refused to let her and basically took a brisk "it's only 15 minutes' a day" attitude. At about aged 12, she started to change her attitude and now, aged 15, adores it, plays really quite well and is very glad that we pushed her through. She even has a digital piano in her room so that she can play late at night and early in the morning without disturbing the neighbours with the acoustic. It's a hard one to call but certainly in her case refusing to let her quit whilst also letting her do the minimum (agreed with her piano teacher!) until her interest was reawakened was definitely the way to go.

I'd let her give it up IF she has another instrument in mind.

I also believe that music should be a core subject. When I was at school music was actually considered a science in terms of choosing exam subjects for engineering!

The piano is a great instrument because it's so versatile in terms of music styles.

It might be worth figuring out if she doesn't like it because it requires practice (all instruments do), whether she finds the two hands too tough, whether she doesn't like the teacher, prefers the app etc. A simple " I don't want to" is worth listening to as a starting point to figuring out why she doesn't.

DC1 learnt the piano from age 7 and has just got into a conservatoire. There were days when practice was a major chore but they never wanted to give it up. DD2 didn't enjoy it and I let her give it up in favour of a different instrument she now plays well. I think that the best thing would be to have a long chat with your daughter about what it was she liked when she was teaching herself and what she doesn't like now. It may be that a different teacher with the Rockschool syllabus would suit her it may be that she is now struggling with playing hands together rather than picking out a tune with one finger etc. If she is clear that it isn't her thing then you should tell her as you have paid she has to continue for the notice period and that if she applies herself with a good attitude for that period then she can give up at the end. I think that there is a lot to be said for making them stick for a bit at something that they don't enjoy/find difficult so long as they have an end in sight. She is also old enough to know that there are consequences to actions - in this case she asked for lessons, you paid for them so now she needs to see this short period of lessons through.

@JemimaTiggywinkle

My parents spent a huge amount on piano lessons for years and years. I have no musical talent, I used to dread Saturday mornings.

My mum tells me that they always gave me the option of not continuing... but I think at the time I felt as though I had to continue.

So yes, I would let her stop.

I was guilted into continuing with piano when I hated it and had no interest or talent. What a total waste of time and money. I won't touch a piano now because it brings up so many horrible thoughts.

Let her give up. Hobbies should be enjoyable. Also, she's given it a go and if she had a rare talent she would have discovered it by now.

My parents forced me and my sister to have piano lessons for YEARS. It was a hobby they chose because it was something nice middle class children did. I always hated it. My sister quite liked it. I studied it up to grade 5, scraping through the exams each time with last minute practice. I haven't touched a piano since.

Ditto bloody years of tennis coaching aaargghh!!! Oh and guides which I was made to go to even after the group had dwindled down to 5 people!

I really wanted to do dance lessons but wasn't allowed because I was "an oaf". I would have been useless but I'm sure I would have enjoyed it. I finally started doing adult ballet last year age 46 and I love it!!!

I'm taking a different approach with my children. They choose their own activities (except learning to swim which was compulsory). They can give up if/ when they want but I do insist they use up the lessons I have prepaid. Sometimes at that point they change their mind back again but there is no pressure too. I do sometimes have to nag my daughter away from tv or tablet to go to hear dance Kevin (I get a lot of "I haaaate ballet" at that point but once she gets there she's clearly loving it and jabbers away excitedly on the way home). I never felt excited about piano!

Her dance lesson not dance Kevin!

Why is ot a good skill to have? What will she use it for?

So many reasons. It is experience in doing something she doesn't like, and that alone is good life experience for most of us.
It's good discipline to work through difficult parts until you find that suddenly you get a result - and a very good life lesson.
At the least it teaches how to read music too and that is transferable.
You never know, if good enough they could end up teaching it. I have helped someone to start off on an instrument even without being a proper teacher. Proper teaching ability means a job. Once upon a time, long ago, playing piano was a skill expected of and supplied by all teachers, entertainers, and various other community people who played for dance lessons and dances.
I also was forced into continuing an instrument I would rather have dropped - and my dm would rather I dropped, it was my df pushing it - and am secretly rather pleased now. I can pick something up on a day off and play a tune, even if it wasn't the instrument I wanted (piano actually - family couldn't afford it). I have joined small groups in the past to play.

Ds who is 7 stopped at xmas as it was a screaming match to get him to lessons. Wonderfully our ds 12 has decided he would like to learn so he is having his lessons instead.

Let her stop. My mum made me have piano lessons and used to bribe me to go to school choir. Total waste of time and money.

Why not take up the piano lessons yourself if you think it is such a useful skill (are the words I wish I had the courage to say to my mother at the time).

Honestly, hobbies should be fun. As Robbie W would say, if you don't feel good, what are you doing it for?

I so wish I'd had piano lessons. I'm quite musical and I'd love to be able to play.

My son had violin and piano lessons from age seven. Sometimes he moaned and wanted to quit but I encouraged him. I made him practise every day but I always sat with him. He carried on playing and achieved grade 7 violin, grade 5 piano and grade 5 music theory. He's now taken up bass guitar and the mandolin. He's in a band with his mates and music is his life.

What good will come of making her carry on? It's a weird thing to make someone do if they don't enjoy it.

I would let her stop. And I'm a really keen musician and did lessons until I was beyond grade 8 stage. (I studied up to about diploma level but stopped before doing the exam because I went off to university).

There is nothing to be gained from forcing someone to learn music when they don't want to.

I think lack of musical skill shows up the cultural impoverishment of our times - and the next thing, someone will be asking why everyone has poor mental health when they have nothing to do. Making music is one of humanity's oldest and most universal skills, the only oldest is dance. You never know when it will become a lifeline, either economically or emotionally.

Did she enjoy learning with the app? Maybe let her go back to that for now. She could always start again with a teacher later. Actually I gave up lessons last year and have now started learning again through pianote and I am enjoying practising so much more (not a beginner though).

I'd let her stop OP.

It really depends on your attitude to music education.

In any case, I would insist she goes till the time you said, or maybe some other time that makes sense. If you've made a commitment to the teacher I think you should carry through to a certain extent. It's not fair to dick around with people's income that way.

But more generally - many people seem to have this idea that kids who like music will like music instruction, and have the discipline to carry on with it. This is simply untrue - the child who has that kind of motivation and ability to see the potential results is rare. Most kids won't be there, mentally, until they are in their teens. Before that, music instruction is 99% of the time going to be parent driven.

Once you get to that point, some kids still quit and wish they could have earlier. Lots are happy to have the skill. Some kids who were allowed to quit early wish they had been made to carry on. There is no rule that says that kids who are told it's a non-negotiable will learn to hate music later.

So I guess the thing is - is this mainly meant to be a fun activity? Or is it so she learns about music?

I’m with letting her stop. My DB was a gifted pianist. He got a scholarship at 15 to the Northern Royal School of Music. Music has and always will be his life. I learned the violin but loathed practice. It was a battle. At 16 I gave up and have never regretted it. My DB says I’m actually more musical and have better sight reading skills then he has. The difference is he had the will and the drive to constantly improve and can’t go a day without at least listening to music. For me that isn’t there. I’m lazy and think I got as far as I could with what I was prepared to put in. It’s a shame if your DD has potential but the old saying you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink does seem to be true.

The initial honeymoon period has worn off and she’s now left realising what is involved. Giving up now doesn’t mean she can’t have another try at a later stage though. Learning an instrument should in the main be enjoyable and she’s not enjoying it.