To let dd stop piano lessons

[cantcopewiththisshitanylonger]

Dd7 has been doing piano for a few months and now is adamant she wants to stop. She started in lockdown with an app and loved it so we got her a teacher after the first lockdown finished.

My issue is that she said she wanted to stop before Xmas but she agreed to go up to Xmas and then decide. She decided to continue and so I let the teacher know she was going to continue. One lesson in and she wants to quit again.

I don't want to let her stop because she's good at it and I think it's a good skill to have but her dad thinks we shouldn't force her.

Starting to get sick of the arguments over it and thinking it's easier just to let her stop.

It might not be relevant but she does do another club that she really enjoys and gets excited about.

Aibu to let her quit?

Would you carry on with something you didn’t like? It’s as much a life skill to be able to say ‘this isn’t for me’ as it is to persevere. But I truly believe that perseverance is for necessary skills. Piano isn’t one. If she wants to play then let her carry on with the app. If she doesn’t then let it go.

Let her stop. 2 of my boys picked up a guitar at age 13, and they can now play multiple instruments. They did and do it because they love it.

I play the piano as well as another 2 instruments and I always think of someone isn't truly enjoying it, they shouldn't be forced to continue. My daughter started learning the cello last year and she's asked if she can switch to the violin because she's finding the cello too big (she's small!) She did a couple of terms of the violin in her first school along with her whole class and really enjoyed it. We said it's completely up to her, if she isn't enjoying the cello then we don't want to force her to continue. She was worried in case she would be letting anyone down or in case she'd disappoint anyone and worried about wasting the cello teacher's time, but she has been taught to read music, at least the bass clef, which she will need because she wants to learn the piano too, so I don't see it as a waste of time. She didn't have all that many lessons anyway because of the lockdown and her teacher was ill for a while.

@cingolimama I think you're absolutely right with everything you said. Perhaps the piano isn't her instrument - I don't think the cello is DD's instrument. It was always a struggle to get her to practise, but when we talk about the violin, she lights up. I let her hold mine yesterday and she just loved the feel of it and the smell of it! I'm so glad I play the piano, I have always used it as a way to relax, even as a child. It's always calmed me if I'm stressed.

Presumably she is having lessons over zoom at the moment? I can imagine that being harder, and probably a bit awkward.

I'd let her stop now, but have a chat and see if she might want to go back once face to face lessons are possible again.

I would let her stop, but would probably insist that she "works her notice" so to speak. If I've understood correctly, she said she wanted to stop, you agreed a stop date with her but then she chose to continue. I think it is unfair to the teacher for her to then decide to stop again after one lesson. I suppose you could just pay the teacher in lieu of notice, but personally, whilst I have never made my children continue with anything they disliked long term, I've always agreed an end date with them, such as after an exam, at the end of a term or month etc.

Please let her stop if she hates it. I was forced for years it’s a complete waste of time, made me super anxious as I would get told off every week by the piano teacher for not practising and I can’t play a note as an adult. Find something she would enjoy.

@GreyPebbledash

I think lack of musical skill shows up the cultural impoverishment of our times - and the next thing, someone will be asking why everyone has poor mental health when they have nothing to do. Making music is one of humanity's oldest and most universal skills, the only oldest is dance. You never know when it will become a lifeline, either economically or emotionally.

I love your post. Music is so much more than just a tune. Learning an instrument and learning to read music affects the brain in a very positive way. Making music with others is also very beneficial, both emotionally and mentally.

I think learning an instrument is very underrated these days.

I agree with everyone saying that hobbies should be fun and not dictated by the parent, but in this case she clearly had an interest in playing, this was her choice.

I think the lessons have killed the fun, but the teacher makes a MASSIVE difference so I wouldnt let her give up just yet but consider a different approach.

I learnt three instruments and had several teachers over the years, my enjoyment was completely dependent on the teacher. There was a long period when I wanted to quit piano because my teacher was a traditionally obsessed with scales, intensely boring, pushed me through stressful grades and her son bullied me mercilessly whilst I was waiting for pick up. Eventually changed teachers (to a cheaper one) and she encouraged me to play tunes I enjoyed, didnt push me through grades and was a real giggle. I'm not a concert pianist but I still love that I can sit down and play about on the piano, something I credit entirely to her approach.

My dds intermittently ask to quit piano (usually when they don't want to practice). I'm insisting they continue for a bit, as learning music has a hold host of benefits in terms of brain development. I don't think my 7yo has the maturity to judge the impact on her life.

Its similar to me insisting they read, exercise and do their homework.

*whole host

Does your dd have any other activities dance, or drama?

I think its common for kids to love the start, easy progress and novelty value. Then comes a harder patch, they find it harder and cant be bothered.

As a parent, I would not give up too easily. Give it 6 months, set a goal of 10 mins practice every other day and just make that the expectation.

Review after 6 months.

You dont get another chance as an adult to to learn music so easily and intuitively.

It has MASSIVE benefits, google it. Why deprive your child of those benefits which they can have with sucg minimal time investment?

Would you have the same attitude to exercise? Can they give that up if they dont fancy it? Music is in the end the same for mental health, among many other things.

Please let her stop - you wouldn’t like to be forced to learn and just because she’s a child doesn’t mean she has no say. I was forced to attend piano lessons for 4 years and hated it. I put little effort in and never sat an exam. If I’d enjoyed it I would have progressed and not been miserable.

The same went for ballet lessons - learnt for nearly 3 years and hated it, was useless and again, never sat an exam. I wanted to learn karate like my best friend but my DM said karate was not ‘ladylike’ so I was not allowed

If she had real interest and talent she would never want to stop.

So she doesn't.

Best to let her stop now. If the subject arises again later, say no.

I let my kids give up things they weren’t enjoying. It meant they were happy to try things out. If you force your daughter to continue then she isn’t going to rush to try out other things.

I’d get my kids to complete any paid lessons or sessions.

I got them to do one sporting activity a week but they could chose what they wanted and I also insisted that they learn to swim well.

What's the point of piano lessons if she doesn't enjoy it??

I had piano lessons when I was young. I was pretty good at it, but my piano teacher picked such boring music that I never practiced and didn’t enjoy it. When my dad bought me sheet music for something in the charts I practised for hours. I wish we’d tried a different teacher. Most music teachers in my day seemed to chase Grade exams entries so they could brag about how many successful pupils they had rather than worrying about making lessons fun. Perhaps your daughter was having more fun finding her own way. Or perhaps try another teacher? Years on I wish I still played.

I'm another one who continued music lessons well past the time I wanted to, in my case piano and guitar. It was a waste of time and money, but my parents (both from very WC background) I think had very strong ideals about what I should be doing in my spare time. I also danced every day - but I loved that. I never voiced that I wanted to stop because I'd get all disappointed faces, but then I was told off a lot for not practicing. Neither parent ever said I could stop if I wasn't enjoying it.

I don't think you should force it with her.

What's the point of piano lessons if she doesn't enjoy it??

It changes the structure of the brain in a way that supports improved plasticity (i.e. the ability the change) and better motor control and auditory skills. It also decreases the chance of getting dementia in old age.

I strongly encouraged my dc to get a couple of years of music lessons, a bit like I encouraged them to keep going with swimming lessons and learning to read. I think they are important skills.

I think it is worth pointing out that I often hear regret from adults who were allowed to give up. Learning an instrument is hard and I think it is harder if you have non-musical parents as you have to face the challenge on your own. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a really strict practice schedule- even just half an hour a day but with clear goals. You could do this for a month and then reassess - if progress has been made then that is stimulating in itself.

To be fair, this thread is full of regret from adults who were forced to continue piano lessons. I am one of them. Honestly, give her a break, she will thank you for it.

I remember the times my mum had my corner and the times she didn't - forcing me to take piano lessons when I didn't want to was a definite parental fail.

Music is something that should gives you pleasure. Yes there are some dry bits that needs to be learned to carry on enjoying it but the most important age 7 is to foster the love for music.

You need to ask her to explain to the best of her ability what is it she doesnt like. Is it the teacher, the teaching, the music or the instrument?
If it is the instrument, get her to try another one. My husband tried 4 before he settled for the flute age 11 and has done it up to his grade 7.
She could learn to sing. Voice is an instrument too.
If it is the music, then stop it. No point.
If it is the teaching, change teachers. That is OK.
My eldest is now working towards her grade 3 in both piano and violin but it took her 2 piano teachers to fly and have confidence. She loved the first one but didnt take him seriously. Whereas this one, she really respects her and in her very traditional way is actually very very encouraging in my daughter’s abilities because she is honest with her. They have mutual respect (and some disagreements).

Finally, the first 2 years do not make practising a chore. We let our daughters get on their instruments as and when they wanted, we asked them to organise some concerts for us, got some fun music so we could sing as well, make them sit through concert with great views so they could see the orchestra to foster the love.
Now it is VERY UNCOOL 😂 at their age to admit they like classical music to their peers ans especially to us but we know they love music which is the most important.

This love will stay with them forever.

Foster the love before the learning.

Also, they need to see you loving the music too.

I sing in a choir (badly so am very very quiet and at the back) because I m a sucker for music amd for choirs. I looove it so much.

My husband plays his flute between team calls.

It is part of the day.

Have you tried asking why she wants to stop? It might be that she doesn't click with this teacher or would prefer to play a different instrument. Or maybe its the day/time of the lesson.

Mine sometimes don't want to go to their lessons (piano or others) and I always say ok, they can stop after the term is up and then they always want to continue. I'd ask her to do another month and see how she feels when she's in a good mood - if it's always that she wants to stop, then stop. I play a different instrument well, but gave up guitar as I was so rubbish.