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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for wanting to tell another mum I know it's my daughter she was talking about?

106 replies

Flamingoose · 11/01/2021 23:26

DD is 8. She has a little friend 'E' who is quite an emotional child (e.g. at dd's last birthday party a large part of the party was spent consoling E who was in floods of tears because she wasn't as good at the activity as the others). It's fine, they're little.

I was sitting with a group of mums recently when someone asked E's mum how E was dealing with the change of classroom, as apparently E had been crying a lot at school about it. E's mum said that she was not crying about that, but because someone had told her she was a bad friend. Everyone clucked and cooed and sympathised, and E's mum said that E was absolutely devastated to have been told such a horrible thing. She really stressed how awful it was for E.

Hmm... there was something about the way she said it... so later that evening I asked DD about it. "Oh yeah," says dd, "that was me. We had an argument because (another child) was being horrible to me and he said my picture was ugly, and E was laughing at me along with everyone else. I was really upset and angry and I told her she was a bad friend. But it was ages ago and we're fine now".

I'm just... really irritated about E's bleddy mum sitting there knowing FULL WELL that it was my daughter who had called E a bad friend, and coyly garnering sympathy. She basically told the whole group, in front of me, that my dd had done a shitty thing, without mentioning my dd's name. That's a bit crap, isn't it? Or am I just being defensive because it's my dd?

I'm not remotely interested in getting involved with long gone 8yo squabbles. I'm sure my dd gets it wrong sometimes, they all do.

I kind of want to say something to E's mum when I next see her though. Just let her know I realise she was talking about dd? And I kind of want to tell her I think it's weird she said all that in front of me without naming dd? Like, if you have something to say, say it!

Tell me to let it all go and rise above.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 11/01/2021 23:29

Let it go and rise above it. This is honestly for the best.

M0rT · 11/01/2021 23:29

I don't think your DD did a shitty thing, she told the truth. E was being a bad friend.
I'd say nothing and hope E is a distant memory by the time they are teenagers, because with a mother like that she is going to be a nightmare!

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 11/01/2021 23:30

Be like elsa and let it go

Josette77 · 11/01/2021 23:31

She might have had a run-in with another child as well. I wouldn't assume it was your dd if they are fine now.
I'm sure the other mums realize E is oversensitive, anyway. It sounds like E's mum could use extra support.

Christmasnightmare · 11/01/2021 23:31

Don’t get involved- this mum is trouble! Your daughter sounds totally calm and over it. People who make fusses like this are never settled and happy. Avoid.

whitechocolatehobnobs · 11/01/2021 23:35

I'd encourage your daughter to play with other children and give this mum a wide berth. It sounds as though mum and daughter both like drama and it's just not worth being involved with people like that.

Flamingoose · 11/01/2021 23:40

Thanks all.
I don't think what dd did was bad either. I'd be more disappointed with her for laughing at a friend who was upset!
You're all right. I should rise above.

I'm still irritated though!!

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 11/01/2021 23:42

! Df cry’s for attention, behaves badly then blames the other person....the apple didn’t fall to far from the tree!!! your dd sounds grounded so leave her to it , she will learn from the experience and will at some point sort it herself

saraclara · 12/01/2021 00:16

Would you rather that she'd named your DD to those people?

Flamingoose · 12/01/2021 00:17

No, I would rather she had either spoken to me directly, or not said anything at all.

OP posts:
Arobase · 12/01/2021 00:18

She didn't name your daughter, so it's really pointless making an issue of this.

Haworthia · 12/01/2021 00:22

I would say nothing, but I wouldn’t see that mother in the same way ever again. That’s really sly, manipulative behaviour.

Flamingoose · 12/01/2021 00:27

Thank you Haworthia. I think it's really off too. You're right, I won't say anything. Nothing to be gained. But I'm glad it's not just me being defensive.

OP posts:
Lastbonestanding · 12/01/2021 00:27

I wouldn't say anything. I probably wouldn't much to her again about anything but I'm not very mature.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 12/01/2021 00:28

Rise above it.

For starters- she will have assumed you already knew it was your daughter while she was telling the story. Thats where she got her kick. If you go and tell her now she’ll get another kick realising that you didn’t know any found out as a result of her story. You’d just be feeding her.

And secondly. She’s still in the playground- you aren’t. She might be into playing games- you don’t have to join her.

LifeAdvice · 12/01/2021 00:35

Well - it’s clear where E learnt this behaviour. Her mother did the (adult) version of the same thing: cry and have everyone give her sympathy at the social gathering. E won’t change with her mother as a role model, and the victim/sympathy behaviour is so clearly engrained in her mother, she won’t see she has done anything wrong.

I would leave it, and slowly encourage my daughter to form stronger friendships with other friends.

CostaDelCovid · 12/01/2021 00:37

Genuinely baffled by "clucked and cooed"

Not literally, surely?! 🐔

oakleaffy · 12/01/2021 00:42

Best stay out of kid's spats...And spats with the ghastly sounding mother.

''Crying'' can be so utterly manipulative, and it does seem to be learned at the mother's knee.

Monkey see/Monkey do.

Playing the victim for sympathy.

Like when I used to go on Facebook...Some people would post things like

'' :( '' with no explanation, gagging for people top ask ''What's wrong?''

Porridgeoat · 12/01/2021 00:46

Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Other children will have been on the receiving end of Es mean behaviour, parents will automatically know there are two sides

TooManyKidsSendHelp · 12/01/2021 00:47

I think in this situation it's better not to mention it. There would be no point.

I would just move on from it but keep in mind for the future that this is the sort of thing that she does. It's always good to know who these people are. Means you get less nasty surprises in the future.

JengaJanga · 12/01/2021 01:07

E was being a bad friend.

Your daughter was right !

HoppingPavlova · 12/01/2021 01:27

If this truly irritates you, then you are going to have a LOOOONG 10 years ahead. People are weird, some other parents are weird, just the way it is. I wouldn’t give that more than 30sec thought space and even then it’s wasted time. Maybe reconsider your investment in this sort of stuff?

BluebellsGreenbells · 12/01/2021 01:29

I’ve had similar except I was more blunt when the mother came crying to me about my son having done something similar. Her son have failed to mention his part of the proceedings. So I told her.

Funnily enough she never did it again.

But ... she started the conversation and approached me.

Bide your time. You’ll get your chance!

Thismustbelove · 12/01/2021 01:38

''Crying'' can be so utterly manipulative, and it does seem to be learned at the mother's knee

Oh please don't say that (groan). My DD (similar age) is a terrible cry baby. It is manipulative crying and she cries at the drop of a hat. Its exhausting behaviour. My other (older) child rarely cries so I disagree it is learned behaviour.
IMO some children, particularly the youngest in the family, are used to crying when challenged and/or frustrated by older siblings and the crying continues either in or out of the house.

FWIW your child was perfect correctly OP.
I would distance myself from this mother tbh but I tend to act stilted towards people who have irritated me so maybe listen to the other more sensible posters!.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 12/01/2021 01:43

Rise above it.

But for what it is worth, I’d be marking her as a snidey feck and be going forward accordingly.

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