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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for wanting to tell another mum I know it's my daughter she was talking about?

106 replies

Flamingoose · 11/01/2021 23:26

DD is 8. She has a little friend 'E' who is quite an emotional child (e.g. at dd's last birthday party a large part of the party was spent consoling E who was in floods of tears because she wasn't as good at the activity as the others). It's fine, they're little.

I was sitting with a group of mums recently when someone asked E's mum how E was dealing with the change of classroom, as apparently E had been crying a lot at school about it. E's mum said that she was not crying about that, but because someone had told her she was a bad friend. Everyone clucked and cooed and sympathised, and E's mum said that E was absolutely devastated to have been told such a horrible thing. She really stressed how awful it was for E.

Hmm... there was something about the way she said it... so later that evening I asked DD about it. "Oh yeah," says dd, "that was me. We had an argument because (another child) was being horrible to me and he said my picture was ugly, and E was laughing at me along with everyone else. I was really upset and angry and I told her she was a bad friend. But it was ages ago and we're fine now".

I'm just... really irritated about E's bleddy mum sitting there knowing FULL WELL that it was my daughter who had called E a bad friend, and coyly garnering sympathy. She basically told the whole group, in front of me, that my dd had done a shitty thing, without mentioning my dd's name. That's a bit crap, isn't it? Or am I just being defensive because it's my dd?

I'm not remotely interested in getting involved with long gone 8yo squabbles. I'm sure my dd gets it wrong sometimes, they all do.

I kind of want to say something to E's mum when I next see her though. Just let her know I realise she was talking about dd? And I kind of want to tell her I think it's weird she said all that in front of me without naming dd? Like, if you have something to say, say it!

Tell me to let it all go and rise above.

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 31/03/2021 16:38

If she bring it up again in the same way just smile sweetly and nod along like Churchill. It will annoy the crap out of her if she thinks you aren't getting the hint.

fairislecable · 31/03/2021 17:19

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

LemmysAceCard · 31/03/2021 17:21

@fairislecable

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE
Zombie? It’s only 2 months old, it’s still alive it’s that fresh
Bentoforthehorde · 31/03/2021 17:23

Some people need drama and sympathy from others, and will create/exaggerate circumstances to get it.
When they become parents using the child is just inevitable.
It's unlikely it'll be the first or last time she does it. Don't take it personally, it's about her not you. Do step away from the mum and don't encourage your dd's friendship with the child (don't tell her to avoid but be busy if met ups are suggested) because friendships with people like that are tedious and exhausting at best.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/03/2021 17:38

@Flamingoose

Thanks all. I don't think what dd did was bad either. I'd be more disappointed with her for laughing at a friend who was upset! You're all right. I should rise above. I'm still irritated though!!
I'd not mention anything unless the other mother harped on about it, then I'd say "I know - it's awful, isn't it? Some boys were being horrible to DD the other day and one of her friends laughed at her when she got upset."
Orphlids · 31/03/2021 20:34

It’s comforting reading this thread. We have an E and an E’s DM of our own to contend with at present. DD has known E since toddlerhood. When they joined reception, my DD met new friends with whom she had more in common and naturally gravitated away from E. No unpleasantness, they were only four. Her DM complained angrily in a group chat (of which I was a member) that her DD no longer had a close friend. It was obvious she was referring to my DD having moved on.

This woman is the type for whom every situation encountered is somehow worse or more difficult for her than it is for anyone else. Lockdown, for example, has been very much more difficult for her to endure than for the rest of us. She’s the parent who has to speak to the teacher in hushed tones at the end of every school day.

As a warning, OP, just keep your eye on this woman. In my case, the mother has made attempts to blacklist my daughter and me. She’s very involved socially with the school mum crowd, while I’m not. Every time she detects a growing friendship between another mum and me, she is suddenly there, with her passive aggressive remarks, and desperately trying to throw the friendship off course. Similarly, if my DD grows close to another child, she will go to great efforts to forge a connection between that child and her DD. When her DD was put in a class for the less academically gifted, she told everyone that it was not because her DD was less able, but that the teachers wanted to separate and protect her from my DD. I checked with the teacher, and was told there was no truth in that at all.

I have been doubting myself for a long time, thinking I was reading too much into it all, and that surely no one would really behave like this over the natural fluctuations in the friendship groups of small children. But reading the responses here, it seems this is a real thing, and there are actually people who do this. I shall take the advice of many PPs here and avoid. I have spent four years trying to be nice, idiot that I am!

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