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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for wanting to tell another mum I know it's my daughter she was talking about?

106 replies

Flamingoose · 11/01/2021 23:26

DD is 8. She has a little friend 'E' who is quite an emotional child (e.g. at dd's last birthday party a large part of the party was spent consoling E who was in floods of tears because she wasn't as good at the activity as the others). It's fine, they're little.

I was sitting with a group of mums recently when someone asked E's mum how E was dealing with the change of classroom, as apparently E had been crying a lot at school about it. E's mum said that she was not crying about that, but because someone had told her she was a bad friend. Everyone clucked and cooed and sympathised, and E's mum said that E was absolutely devastated to have been told such a horrible thing. She really stressed how awful it was for E.

Hmm... there was something about the way she said it... so later that evening I asked DD about it. "Oh yeah," says dd, "that was me. We had an argument because (another child) was being horrible to me and he said my picture was ugly, and E was laughing at me along with everyone else. I was really upset and angry and I told her she was a bad friend. But it was ages ago and we're fine now".

I'm just... really irritated about E's bleddy mum sitting there knowing FULL WELL that it was my daughter who had called E a bad friend, and coyly garnering sympathy. She basically told the whole group, in front of me, that my dd had done a shitty thing, without mentioning my dd's name. That's a bit crap, isn't it? Or am I just being defensive because it's my dd?

I'm not remotely interested in getting involved with long gone 8yo squabbles. I'm sure my dd gets it wrong sometimes, they all do.

I kind of want to say something to E's mum when I next see her though. Just let her know I realise she was talking about dd? And I kind of want to tell her I think it's weird she said all that in front of me without naming dd? Like, if you have something to say, say it!

Tell me to let it all go and rise above.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 12/01/2021 07:29

I'd just smile and back away slowly. Nothing good will come of confronting someone like this, she'll probably pull the same dramatic stuff as E.

Ohalrightthen · 12/01/2021 07:34

@Emeeno1

As usual the 'learned at mother's knee' and 'apple doesn't fall far from the tree' comments designed to blame the mother for her daughter's character.

The need to blame mothers for their children's bad character borders on misogynistic. What about the fathers? Or fate? Or just bad behaviour or character?

Why do people so breezily blame women?

Yes, this is obviously women-bashing. It couldn't possibly be that women generally do the majority of childrearing, and that crying to manipulate is a rare behaviour in men, and, most importantly, that in this case, the mother is displaying the exact same attention-seeking behaviours as the child!

Honestly, your soapbox would be a lot more useful elsewhere.

JillofTrades · 12/01/2021 07:39

Op be glad that your dd stood up for herself. I would rather my dd be like yours than E who joined in and being mean.

SophieB100 · 12/01/2021 07:40

You need to pick your battles OP, or grow a tougher skin.
This really isn't worth a second thought.

PinkyParrot · 12/01/2021 07:41

People only care about themselves first and their children second. Or vice versa. The DMs whose DCs weren't involved will be sitting thinking 'thankfully that wasn't my DC' and what a little drama queen second. they won't care if it's your DD or who is getting the blame as long as it isn't theirs.
Let it go. She is trying to wind you up and succeeding.

CakeRequired · 12/01/2021 07:48

Why do people so breezily blame women?

Because in this case, if you'd read the op, the mother is doing the exact same thing as her daughter. Now, unless the daughter learnt it somewhere else and the mother is copying her (very unlikely), then the daughter more likely learnt it from her mum, or at least has realised that crying gets her sympathy from mum and other people, no matter if she is wrong or not.

Just leave it be op. Maybe tell your daughter to distance herself, but really it's up to the kids who they want to be friends with. Let them make mistakes, she will eventually realise that girl is exhausting and no fun to be around as likely the behaviour will get worse. Feel sorry for the kid, hopefully she realises its not right to do what she is doing.

Al1langdownthecleghole · 12/01/2021 07:49

We had an E in DD’s class. Doesn’t every class.

The parents, teachers and children will have sussed it out, meaning You don’t need to do anything.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/01/2021 07:57

Smile and nod, smile and nod. Avoid saying anything unless the mum directly say anything to you. As others said, you are not in the playground. (Wish I’d been told this ages ago😂)

ReRun · 12/01/2021 07:59

It sounds like
A) your dd handled the situation beautifully.
B) E and her mother are pains and your dd would be better off without her in her circle which is probably what's happened.
C) it's you that needs to distance yourself from the mother.

Don't think the other parents won't know E's mother is over the top. They will.

Sethy38 · 12/01/2021 08:01

Would I be annoyed?
Yes

Close friend - I would raise and discuss

Otherwise I’d let it go

islockdownoveryet · 12/01/2021 08:09

Is it any wonder with a mother like that its any wonder why E cries a lot . She’s probably learnt from the mother crying seeks attention. She’s a child but how petty a grown adult manipulates a situation that her child’s upset to gain sympathy pathetic. Best stay out of it .

AriesTheRam · 12/01/2021 08:11

I think its great that your dd admitted it was her and she said it for a valid reason.Plenty of kids would deny it in case they feared getting into trouble.Well done her.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 12/01/2021 08:13

OP I know an 'E' - whose name actually begins with E- exactly like this!! Her and her pandering mother are insufferable. I actually phased her out because it was so exhausting that every innocuous thing my 8yo said to her was blown out of proportion and DD made to feel like doing things like saying "No I'd rather play this game" made her a bad person.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 12/01/2021 08:14

Posted to soon

Yes I think call her out, this silliness needs to stop

Holly60 · 12/01/2021 08:19

She sounds like she was looking for a rise so the best thing to do is not respond. If it comes out in future you could just say ‘oh yes my daughter had already told me but was happy that the girls had resolved it between themselves so I was happy to let it go and not say anything’

Take pleasure in you knowing that she knows, but she doesn’t know that you know. Mwahaha the power.

Tellmetruth4 · 12/01/2021 08:24

There’s a child and parent like this in every class. Ignore them and try and send your child to a different secondary school.

foxhat · 12/01/2021 08:32

My DD had a similar issue with a friend who told her a home truth though quite gently (about being grumpy, not a bad friend). She was really cross about it but when we talked it through it was clear that her friend had been speaking the truth and had been quite nice about how she said it. If E's mum can't see the fact that her daughter WAS being a bad friend then actually maybe the thing to do is feel a little sorry for E who is going to struggle more in life if her parents think that it's OK for her to go through life not thinking of others, not being a good friend and manipulating situations for her own advantage. That is quite a burden for her to have to carry, poor girl.

kingdomcapers · 12/01/2021 08:33

Well they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You already knew E was a drama llama and guess what? So's her mum. Your DD sounds like she handled the situation with the picture head on and has moved forward from it. Get yourself in the same place as her. If E and her mum bear grudges over ever little thing they are soon going to be left with a very small circle of friends

apalledandshocked · 12/01/2021 08:46

The parents were mostly sympathising because thats what you do in that situation. If someone was talking about a tragic thing that had happened to their little one and you just said "oh right well, anyway" you would look like a Bad Person especially if everyone else is joining the coo fest. I know I sound very irritated by this, often it is kind to sympathise so it isnt necessarily bad. But presumably no-one thinks that the other 8 year old is awful. Even if they werent your daughter, you can't really buy into the idea that the friends daughter is "sensitve" therefore all other 8 year olds who upset her know what they are doing and are responsible. Just as she gets consideration for crying because she is only a child, the other children deserve consideration for bluntness/tactlessnes because they are only children too.

apalledandshocked · 12/01/2021 08:48

I think also, the fact that you didnt know it was your daughter and she was expecting you too meant you acted (accidentally) in a way which meant you "won" that round. Don't get sucked into the drama and just grey rock.

HOS8595 · 12/01/2021 08:50

I would presume E mum would of thought you Knew about the situation and that you purposely kept quiet when she spoke about it?

lottiegarbanzo · 12/01/2021 09:00

Well, I'd think the mother was a bad friend! Wouldn't mention it to her though, no.

One day a similar situation will happen to her and she'll realise that children don't always tell the full story.

apalledandshocked · 12/01/2021 09:03

I also knew a mum a bit like this by the way. She described herself as a "highly sensitive person". No offense to people who actually are highly sensitive, but in her case it seemed to mean that she could act as insensitively as she wished to other people but the tiniest slight against her was a huge drama because she felt things more. Oddly she had the hide of a rhino when needed. Also, she was anti-vax for her son which is fine, her choice, but she explained that this was because she "cared more about her son because it was just the two of them" (and because of aforementioned sensitivity). I can appreciate she loved her son, but I dont think she loved him more than other parents. Her son was OK, but highly emotional and prone to drama (probably not his fault, he was very little and his mum actively encouraged it). We never argued but unfortunately our sons ended up in different classes and we drifted apart. SUCH a pity.

Confusedandshaken · 12/01/2021 09:06

You are making so many assumptions here. That E's mum was talking about your daughter. That she knew you knew. That your daughter told you the whole unvarnished truth about the incident. You can never know the full truth of what happened or what was meant. You could go mad trying.

The two little girls involved appear to have resolved whatever this was and moved on so no harm has been done. Perhaps they even learned from it. You should follow their example

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 12/01/2021 09:15

I know an E. I'm a pushover and no good in a confrontation but with this fucking nut I learned a while ago to smile and nod and say my piece with a smile on my face, particularly in front of the same company the woman is seeking "aw hun" responses off.

"Oh yes, Hun! You're so right! Children can be sooo cruel. Speaking of bad friends, just last week my own daughter was terribly upset that her supposed best friend was leading a bunch of girls in mocking and laughing at her because of what a mean boy said. Of course DD told her she was a bad friend so at least she's sticking up for herself eh?"
And smile, as if you're completely oblivious to the fact that it was the woman in questions DD despite it being blindingly obvious to everyone the woman was gaining sympathy with.

Obviously it's too late for this situation but it very well may come up again if this pathetic mother is holding a grudge against you "mean" daughter.

Don't seek it out but do be ready. She's a silly, manipulative person with a daughter who is the same.