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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for wanting to tell another mum I know it's my daughter she was talking about?

106 replies

Flamingoose · 11/01/2021 23:26

DD is 8. She has a little friend 'E' who is quite an emotional child (e.g. at dd's last birthday party a large part of the party was spent consoling E who was in floods of tears because she wasn't as good at the activity as the others). It's fine, they're little.

I was sitting with a group of mums recently when someone asked E's mum how E was dealing with the change of classroom, as apparently E had been crying a lot at school about it. E's mum said that she was not crying about that, but because someone had told her she was a bad friend. Everyone clucked and cooed and sympathised, and E's mum said that E was absolutely devastated to have been told such a horrible thing. She really stressed how awful it was for E.

Hmm... there was something about the way she said it... so later that evening I asked DD about it. "Oh yeah," says dd, "that was me. We had an argument because (another child) was being horrible to me and he said my picture was ugly, and E was laughing at me along with everyone else. I was really upset and angry and I told her she was a bad friend. But it was ages ago and we're fine now".

I'm just... really irritated about E's bleddy mum sitting there knowing FULL WELL that it was my daughter who had called E a bad friend, and coyly garnering sympathy. She basically told the whole group, in front of me, that my dd had done a shitty thing, without mentioning my dd's name. That's a bit crap, isn't it? Or am I just being defensive because it's my dd?

I'm not remotely interested in getting involved with long gone 8yo squabbles. I'm sure my dd gets it wrong sometimes, they all do.

I kind of want to say something to E's mum when I next see her though. Just let her know I realise she was talking about dd? And I kind of want to tell her I think it's weird she said all that in front of me without naming dd? Like, if you have something to say, say it!

Tell me to let it all go and rise above.

OP posts:
AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 12/01/2021 09:19

I highly doubt that E's mum was unaware it was your DD. There's not a chance that the mother, upon seeing her precious cry, didn't get told which nasty, mean child did this to her poor, sensitive baby!

MaskingForIt · 12/01/2021 09:19

E sounds like a bit of a cow. “Sensitive” when she wants attention, by laughing at someone else when she wants to be part of the gang. Hope your daughter has got her numbers.

gingerbiscuits · 12/01/2021 09:23

Both mum & daughter sounds like drama queens - rise above & encourage your daughter (who sounds awesome!) to lean more towards her other friends. Parent life is hard enough without crap like that to deal with! 😆

Hoppinggreen · 12/01/2021 09:42

Ignore it
When DS was in Reception I went on a Mums night out and one lady was going on about how devastated her DS was because his “best friend from nursery” didn’t want to be friends now they were at school. She just kept on and on about it, especially in front of me but I didnt really read too much into it. On the following Monday she collared me in the playground to tell me she had been talking about my DS!
I just said something like, oh dear how upsetting I will have a word with DS to make sure he’s not being unkind.
Her son and DS had never really been friends as far as I (and DS)knew but DS was playing with his “terrible trio” of mates from Nursery at school and this boy obviously thought he should be part of the gang.
I did speak to DS about not excluding anyone etc etc but he was just baffled because as far as he was concerned he barely knew this boy.
Kids often have a very different perspective on things

SunshineCake · 12/01/2021 09:44

She'd no longer by my friend and I'd cut her dead tbh. Your dd is a smart girl.

Cauterize · 12/01/2021 09:49

Yep I also know a school mum like this. She craves validation and sympathy from the others, even when her child did something legitimately bad last year. She still managed to turn others against the mum whose child had been treated badly. Definitely give her a wide berth. People like this are so toxic.

heydoggee · 12/01/2021 10:04

Why were you sitting with a group of mums in the first place?

PinkPandaBear · 12/01/2021 10:09

Your DD did nothing wrong. DD was right, E was a bad friend for laughing along with the bully. I’d encourage DD to play with the other children and stay away from E. “Overly emotional” children like E usually (but not always) become manipulative, compulsive liars. They can be dangerous. Talking from my experience with former friends. Red flags seeing how E, aged 8, is already lying to her mum.

nanbread · 12/01/2021 10:35

Well I would take it all with a pinch of salt.

You've only got your DD's word for it, maybe she laid into her friend a lot, maybe the friend wasn't really laughing but your DD thought she was etc.

The mum sounds annoying but not worth bothering with. Don't feed the beast.

It sounds like her daughter could be highly sensitive, and (as this thread proves) people who don't have or understand highly sensitive children often see them as "liking drama", oversensitive and manipulative etc.

My highly sensitive son will cry about something seemingly small that happened months or years ago, for example.

It can be very hard to parent a HSC so while the mum was probably making a dig, I'd cut her a bit of slack.

edwinbear · 12/01/2021 10:53

Honestly OP, just leave it. There is always some drama going on in 9yr old DD's friendship group, I will advise DD on how to react if she is upset or not sure how to deal with an argument, but make it a rule not to bring issues up with other mums. I had one mum message me to say DD had refused to let her DD play the version of Roblox or Minecraft or something online and could I talk to DD about taking turns. I replied politely saying I would talk to DD, but inside, I thought she was ridiculous to get involved in playground squabbles.

Sethy38 · 12/01/2021 11:22

@MaskingForIt

E sounds like a bit of a cow. “Sensitive” when she wants attention, by laughing at someone else when she wants to be part of the gang. Hope your daughter has got her numbers.
E is 8

8!!

She behaved unpleasantly

But she is not a cow

billy1966 · 12/01/2021 11:41

Good call from your daughter.

Get over your annoyance and be glad that this happens.

It's great when people show you who they are clearly...no ambiguity.

Do not encourage the friendship any further.

Stay far away from the mother, she has shown you who she is.

The drama with this child will only increase in the next few years and her silly mother will be right in the middle of it.

Don't go there.
Your daughter sounds like a sensible little thing.

I DRILLED into my daughter's to avoid the drama girls from the age of 5.

It has served us as a family so well.

I also have drilled in to never repeat gossip or anything mean.

Again this has served us so well.

Daughters have always had loads of lovely friends.
They hear ALL the gossip....because they are both known as so discreet and never repeat it.

I strongly recommend explaining early to avoid drama and girls that love it.
Flowers

SeasonFinale · 12/01/2021 11:50

To the PP who said that perhaps the teacher could clarify what happened ..... DO NOT approach the teacher about this!! They have far more important things to worry about at present Hmm

Sethy38 · 12/01/2021 12:01

@SeasonFinale

To the PP who said that perhaps the teacher could clarify what happened ..... DO NOT approach the teacher about this!! They have far more important things to worry about at present Hmm
So worried that they decided to comment on a pupil’s eyebrow in fact!
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 12/01/2021 12:09

Out of the mouth of babes and all that!!
I would rise above it and wait for another mum to mention it (if they even do) and say yeah l think that was my dd and then say what happened.
I had a mum tell me last month my dd upset her child by pulling them up on something - turns out my dd was provoked and verbally lashed out a bit. Can't tell her off because the other kid kind of asked for it but we had a chat about how to say things

bloodyhairy · 12/01/2021 12:15

God, no wonder E is so bloody wet, with her stupid snowflake of a mother Thanks

Whatisthisfuckery · 12/01/2021 12:16

I’d say it was quite clear where E gets her, ahem, more emotional side from.

You can’t change how people are and people who like drama are going to enjoy it when you join in with them, so I’d bear that in mind when deciding whether to say anything or not.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 12/01/2021 12:24

Leave it. But that mother is raising one of those kids who is going to be a pain when older.

Mrsegan1 · 12/01/2021 12:25

Your daughter didn’t really do a ‘bad’ thing tho did she, she called her shit friend out for being a shit friend. I’d let this one slide but if anything like this happens again I’d raise a few truths definitely.

Witchend · 12/01/2021 13:52

@Confusedandshaken

You are making so many assumptions here. That E's mum was talking about your daughter. That she knew you knew. That your daughter told you the whole unvarnished truth about the incident. You can never know the full truth of what happened or what was meant. You could go mad trying.

The two little girls involved appear to have resolved whatever this was and moved on so no harm has been done. Perhaps they even learned from it. You should follow their example

I agree.

Your dd said it was a long time ago, so it seems odd that she brought it up then, when presumably the classroom change was fairly recent or people wouldn't have been asking about it.

If you delve into it then you may find something happened before.

Also if "everyone" was laughing at it, why did she pick on E to say she was being "a bad friend". So from that alone there sounds like there's more to it than you know.

Leave it.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 12/01/2021 20:56

OP I think your DD handled this other child really well and the other girl is only crying because your DD pulled her up on being unkind. I wouldn't say anything to the other Mum but I would remember her comment and encourage your DD to a wide circle of friends. The drama that sometimes occur from year 4 -6 is best avoided at all costs.

ddl1 · 31/03/2021 14:47

E's mother might not have known it was your dd (and it's possible that another child has said the same thing).. Anyway, E was being a bad friend, though in a way that's not uncommon in 8-year-olds. The girls are friends again; I think that the parents (you and E's mother) should forget about it. In the past, parents often ignored children's fallings-out to the point of failing to address real bullying. Nowadays, parents sometimes seem to go to the other extreme of magnifying every trivial tiff.

2bazookas · 31/03/2021 16:03

Some children learn in their family relationship dynamic, never to admit fault or take responsibility for their own mistakes; always look for a scapegoat to blame. I've seen parents who behave that way in adult life, at work, with their partners and friends, and unsurprisingly their children learn the same behaviour.

You won't change them . It's their problem, and ultimately, they are the ones who will suffer the consequences.

Be glad  (and proud) your little girl isn't like that.
notanothertakeaway · 31/03/2021 16:06

Zombie thread

Quirrelsotherface · 31/03/2021 16:32

Well you don't have to look very far to see where the child gets the dramatics from!