To never feel comfortable doing this

[Frickinfreezinginthishouse]

I’m in another country and we’re due to go into full lockdown this week. I’m at home alone with my toddler and dog, Dp at work 8-6. Aside from the garden I’ll need you get out with my Dd and dog. Next to our house we have woods leading down to the beach. I love to walk through these when Dp is around but whenever I take just Dd and our dog I feel really uneasy and just want to get back. As we won’t be allowed to drive to place, this is our only place to walk, aside from around busy roads near our home, which is hard with both Dd and our dog, who needs to be off the lead.
Does anyone else walk in deserted places, would you feel uneasy or do you think it’s fairly safe with Dd and our dog?

There have been well over 100 million UK inhabitants since 1800 and 62 serial killers across that 220 years (interestingly including 18 women).

That is very interesting, I didn’t realise there were so many female ones.

Those of you saying these kind of things, would you honestly like your daughters to grow up feeling this way? Because this is the behaviour and attitude to the world you are conveying and modelling.

Firstly, it is our inbuilt protective maternal instinct at play not just some random unfounded anxiety.
It is also not something I would openly say in front of my DD but it is a sad fact that we do tell our girls more than our boys to be careful - don’t leave your drinks unattended, don’t get into an unmarked taxi etc because females are more at risk so we do teach females to be careful.
It is also insane how many convicted rapists and those on the sex offender register are roaming about freely and I hope that when our daughters grow up the courts will be more strict on these types of people so there will be less of them on the street.

OP- I live in a similar area- with woods/fields behind our house.
I felt very comfortable going alone with my dog during the day and used to see lots of other dog walkers about so felt safe.

BUT ive also seen lone women walking up there on the cusp of darkness and I REALLY wouldn't ever do that as I think it makes you very vulnerable when its getting really dark as its so very dark in rural areas.

@MsFannySqueers

I agree with previous posters if it makes you feel uneasy don’t do it. Our intuition is there for a reason. About 25 years ago I was on holiday with my son who was about three at the time.Every day we walked through pine woods, crossing a wooden bridge across a dried up river bed and down to the beach. It seemed idyllic at the time. We were well used to walking longish distances in the countryside and I was always confident, never thought about worst case scenarios.I have however always been an extremely vigilant person. One day we were returning to our hotel through the pine woods and as we approached the bridge a car was parked next to it. I don’t know how it had been driven there. Two men got out of the car. My hackles went up and I suddenly felt terrified, they were standing blocking the bridge. I said to my son “let’s have an adventure.” I literally picked him up under my arm and ran as fast as I could down the steepish side of the dried up river bed. The momentum got us up the far side of the river bank and onto the path. I was extremely fit in those days and I just ran until I got us back to the hotel we were staying at. I have never felt terror like it before or since. It still makes my heart pound just thinking about. Whether the men were just innocently standing there, going to rob me (not that I had anything with me),or something far worse I will never know. Every fibre of my being just told me to avoid and run and I am glad I did. Trust your instincts!

That's really terrifying - sounds like they may have been targeting you directly if perhaps one of them had seen you doing the walk every day. Scary stuff and agree it's so important to trust your instincts no matter how irrational you might feel!

Read the book the gift of fear by gavin de becker- it talks about the importance of listening to your instinct in situations like this!

The thing is, I’ve found in the daytime, I literally never see one person as presumably the majority are normally at work (in a few days when the proper lockdown comes, it may be different)
When we go at sunset in the summer after work, we see quite a lot of regular dog walkers, many are women on their own who seem completely relaxed and fine about it.
It’s almost creepier in the day

I’m assuming your house is very rural, you spend time in the garden and you don’t have any real security as you live in a very safe country.
If there was an actual psycho on the loose, they could get to you in your own house or garden just as easily as in the woods.

It's rare anything would happen on impulse. A killer/rapist is unlikely to act on spur of the moment. They single out and plan their attack by watching for patterns and habits. You make yourself vulnerable if you have a pattern such as walking 9am mon, wed and fridays every week. They learn when you are likely to be out etc etc. So enjoy the walk and beach, but change up when you go out. Also never wear your hair up. A ponytail is easy to grab. Weird stuff I remember!

Since Google says the 5 safest countries in the world are Iceland, Norway, Denmark, Finland and Austria (which doesn't have a beach), I will presume you are in one of the first 4.
Unless you are in Denmark, id be more concerned re bear attacks, I know my Finnish friend (who lives rurally) never goes out without her shotgun. I'd also be worried about hypothermia if you fell and say, fractured an ankle at this time of year.

No, I never walk anywhere remote unless I’m in a group or with DH. I’ve had too many bad experiences.

You’re particularly vulnerable alone with a young child as it’s hard to run and carry them, or protect them from an attack or attempted abduction. Especially somewhere like woods or countryside where you can’t scream for help and guarantee you’ll be heard. Places with no CCTV and no witnesses seem to attract dodgy individuals.

Unless your dog is a very big breed or trained to bark and growl on command, I wouldn’t rely on him as a deterrent.

@Thehollyandtheirony We’re not actually rural, we have lots of houses around but two doors down from our house are the fields and a walk down to the beach, a surburban/beach area really

It’s different when you have a toddler. You’ve got someone else to protect.

I used to walk my dog in fairly remote areas and felt confident, partly because I was a runner - and running away is always the best option- and partly because my dog at the time was a very protective, large breed would have killed anyone who laid a finger on me. Or anyone dressed as a postman. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it now as I have a dog that is always off exploring and wouldn’t defend me.

No nothing is truly safe unless you are out with a pack of rottweillers, there have been lots of stories about women murdered in quiet places.

@Serin Oh how weird, no, none of those countries, I’m in Portugal. When I looked up safety in Portugal, it said it was number three, could have that wrong though!

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Read the book the gift of fear by gavin de becker- it talks about the importance of listening to your instinct in situations like this!

But The Gift of Fear is about tuning in to other people’s behaviour to discern in it precursors to violence before it actually happens, not to imagining potential assailants in a wood that the OP herself admits is empty during the daytime and at sunset, when the OP goes there with her husband in summer, is full of lone, unfazed female dog walkers and joggers. And about which she has not heard the remotest adverse rumour or crime stat.

There’s a difference between trusting your instincts about an actual person or people, or an environment with specific actual people, and imagining trouble in an empty wood, on no basis.

@milkmoon

Its about trusting your instincts and not feeling an obligation to be "nice" which women are conditioned to be.

So, as other posters have said- if you are out and you feel uncomfortable with someone being near you, you leave. It really empowered me to feel safe and I think all women should read it. It helped me trust myself and to listen to my primal lizard brain for warnings

It is unlikely anyone would be waiting in a secluded area to attack you. Any such weirdos would wait somewhere that there is more prey.

That being said, I too get scared in isolated places. Could you carry a walking stick so you could club anyone over the head with it?

theleafandnotthetree No, obviously I do not want my daughter to grow up being scared - however, that's the world we live in and I do want her to be aware of the very real dangers that exist.

Trust your instincts! Don’t walk in isolated woods if you’re going to feel scared; it will make you uneasy. The Gift of Fear is a good book about this. Fear is a way to protect yourself. There are plenty of weirdos out there. Most women have been flashed or followed at some point. Why risk it? Or get a bigger dog. For the first time in my life, I now walk alone through woods, free from fear. But that’s because my dog is recognised as a large, protective breed!

[quote AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]@milkmoon

Its about trusting your instincts and not feeling an obligation to be "nice" which women are conditioned to be.

So, as other posters have said- if you are out and you feel uncomfortable with someone being near you, you leave. It really empowered me to feel safe and I think all women should read it. It helped me trust myself and to listen to my primal lizard brain for warnings[/quote]
Oh, I’m sure it’s a great book, all I’m saying is that its central thesis isn’t applicable to the OP’s situation, because no other people are involved!

I can't say I've ever felt threatened like that (maybe because I'm a bit of a shithouse) but you do you. If there's somewhere more open and populated then go there.

@milkmoon - you havent read it?!

Its absolutely central to the OP's situation because it helps you feel safe and trust your instincts which give you confidence to protect yourself.
Sorry but if you havent read it I'm a bit unsure why you keep arguing it wont be helpful.
It will.

I've read TGoF and have to agree, my massive takeway as the key message of that book was that it was better to trust your fear and be proved wrong than to ignore it and be proved right - regardless of if/when other people were involved.

Highly recommend the gift of fear- excellent book

Think there was a recent, horrible incident involving a three year old girl, walking with her parents, in the Isle of Wight. Horrific.

[quote AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]@milkmoon - you havent read it?!

Its absolutely central to the OP's situation because it helps you feel safe and trust your instincts which give you confidence to protect yourself.
Sorry but if you havent read it I'm a bit unsure why you keep arguing it wont be helpful.
It will.[/quote]
How would analysing your response to other people’s behaviour to discern signs of future violence — which I agree is very valuable — be of any use in a situation where no other people are ever present, and there is no threat?