To never feel comfortable doing this

[Frickinfreezinginthishouse]

I’m in another country and we’re due to go into full lockdown this week. I’m at home alone with my toddler and dog, Dp at work 8-6. Aside from the garden I’ll need you get out with my Dd and dog. Next to our house we have woods leading down to the beach. I love to walk through these when Dp is around but whenever I take just Dd and our dog I feel really uneasy and just want to get back. As we won’t be allowed to drive to place, this is our only place to walk, aside from around busy roads near our home, which is hard with both Dd and our dog, who needs to be off the lead.
Does anyone else walk in deserted places, would you feel uneasy or do you think it’s fairly safe with Dd and our dog?

There really are some unkind people on here, maybe lacking in thought, maybe lived a very charmed life with nothing bad ever happened to them or just plain nasty.

Listen to your instincts. Always.

when we moved rurally I said to a friend "ooh i'd loveto be walking in those hills" and she was like"whaaat are you crazy i'd be waaay too scared!" she's a town girl I'm a country mouse, never had any problems.
i would go often to de-sensitise myself, start at weekends with do, obviously go in the daytime, phone charged etc.
otherwise whats the point of living somewhere so gorgeous?

"there's nothing to fear except fear itself"

Many people feel more scared when they have a child as they have someone they love very much to protect and trying to get away with a child adds a different dimension.

I'm always a bit wth about parents who escape a house fire with their children still inside. It must be a given once you get out you rarely get back in and I'd rather die trying to save them than leave them to die tbh.

Yes, you're absolutely right -- those of us who happily walk with our small children in deserted rural areas without imagining murderers lurking behind bushes just don't love those children enough, and would definitely save ourselves first in a house fire.

@SunshineCake

There really are some unkind people on here, maybe lacking in thought, maybe lived a very charmed life with nothing bad ever happened to them or just plain nasty.

Listen to your instincts. Always.

I don't think it's necessarily a kindness either to rush to confirm the OPs fears and to argue against doing something which could bring her and her child a lot of happiness.

As to a charmed life, well I've had lots of mini-incidents over the years, as will most people who've lived fully in the world, been flashed several times, dealt with creepy men, etc but the solution to that is not to hide away - that would be letting this minority of fuckers dictate how I live my life. Yes, be sensible, yes don't take ridiculous risks but honestly, I think the problem with many 'nice' middle class women I know is that they have perhaps led too sheltered an existence and have not learned to navigate the world assertively or to distinguish between real risk and minimal risk

“There’s nothing to fear but fear itself”
If only that were true

i would go often to de-sensitise myself, start at weekends with do, obviously go in the daytime, phone charged etc. otherwise whats the point of living somewhere so gorgeous?

You do realise that a charged phone or daylight does not protect you in a secluded area. It will however make it easier to find your body quicker.

Not everyone wants to live rurally however gorgeous. It is fine for a holiday with my dh and others. I would not feel safe on my own or with a child. I guess I would be a Townie.

It seems illogical but I feel less uncomfortable on the mean streets of London. It is not that I am safer (I am sure I am not), but more the fact that I will not be the only target and there are people around who might help or witness and there are more options available to me to escape or get help. Needless to say, I will not walk down a quiet deserted alley way either. But at least someone will probably hear my scream.

YANBU I would feel uneasy as well. I generally never go walking alone after dark with my DD and we live in very safe areas. I feel the pandemic has caused a lot of mental pressure on everyone including people who might be inclined to commit random crimes. I've seen several individuals behaving strangely in public recently (obviously taking a walk like everyone else), and whereas I sympathise with any potential MH problems, it's just not worth putting yourself at risk in a deserted area.

@toocold54

I always feel very vulnerable when out with my baby. If it was just me then I could run, but it would take me a few precious seconds to get her out of her pushchair and I wouldn't be able to run quickly carrying her. Terrifying stuff.

I’m the same. I’ll go anywhere alone and feel confident but when I have my DC I am sick with worry.

Those of you saying these kind of things, would you honestly like your daughters to grow up feeling this way? Because this is the behaviour and attitude to the world you are conveying and modelling.

I think all women should be encouraged to be sensible and careful to a point but I am really uncomfortable and consider it quite a regressive step that women should be encouraged - indeed are considered to more responsible - to only be out and about fully in the world when accompanied by a man. Apart from anything else, does that mean single people, lone parents, widows etc should just hide themselves away? A lot of this thinking comes from a place of privilege, there are millions women in the world who have to navigate real dangers every day associated with where they live, poverty, the dangers of sexual violence and I just find this kind of hand-wringing over walking in a wood a bit ridiculous

I think we all have different strengths and weaknesses. I am stronger during the day in that I've physically pushed and screamed at men who have assaulted me, and I have no fear of confrontation, and will always stand up for myself or anyone I see being abused.

I would walk through the woods quite happily, but when it comes to the dark/night, I am a wuss, I cannot sleep alone in the house a light on downstairs, and in the upstairs landing and a lamp on in my bedroom. It's horrible as I find it hard to sleep with a lamp on but I cant switch it off.

I never feel vulnerable walking my dog. He's a Staffy...

I just find this kind of hand-wringing over walking in a wood a bit ridiculous
It's ridiculous to call it hand-wringing when it's based on real fears and real possibilities. We are not talking about the possibility of meeting a pixie! I love walking on my own and still do it. A few years ago I met a man in the woods who quite calmly told me he was going to rape me. He didn't. I got away. I always think about it when I am in the woods on my own though. I don't think I'll ever get my pre-incident confidence back.

In terms of safety of the country I’m in, it’s in the top five safest countries in the world, according to a quick Google. However, I agree with a poster that the isolation of woods themselves and nobody nearby-roads, houses etc makes me nervous. It is generally a safe feeling place but I’ve had an incident at the beach there very early morning pre children, being wanked at by a man in the woods on the cliff above as I was reading a magazine, sunbathing, I’ve also been felt up on a bus in Manchester, a hand up my skirt in a club, all these awful things many of us experience, my life hasn’t been sheltered, the opposite I’d say and I’m not wet, I just feel that I’d be unreal trouble with Dd, if someone were to come along, let’s face it, this could happen whichever part of the world you were in.
It does piss me off that I’m not able to relax and enjoy it properly for the sake of my Dd, dog and myself.
We also drive to other places near a beautiful lake etc where many people are and I have zero safety concerns, but last lockdown we weren’t allowed to drive to other areas, these woods by my house may be the only option, but I’m hoping not.
I remember mentioning to my mum (totally non hysterical and very practical/sensible) if she thinks I’m ok taking them on my own through here, I was quite surprised when she almost immediately said that I should grab Dd and run to the road and my dog would follow ( I’d obviously do this, but I didn’t expect that response and assumed she’d sort of laugh and say we’d be fine)
Currently I can’t really go when Dp is home as it’s dark and freezing and we have dinner, bath and bed etc for Dd.
I also think of the story with poor Rachel.

I was much more ‘confident’ about walking in secluded places before I started training in martial arts. The burly male black belts I know are the most conflict-shy, danger-averse people who avoid situations that might call on their skills

Can you let someone know that you are going and when you are back safely? Just a text or something?
I love forest near me and definitely feel more vulnerable in more built up areas but we are all different. We all have different fears.
Maybe try some kind of graded exposure to it to build up your confidence? Obviously you don’t have to do it at all but it might help you feeling less isolated at home.

@MsFannySqueers That sounds almost exactly like our walks, pine trees, woods etc down to the beach, it really is idyllic but is secluded in parts.
That must’ve been terrifying, and is something I fear. I try to think of an escape route in the deepest part of the woods and it would be pretty far until we encountered people.

I suspect a woman walking with a child and a dog would be of very low risk of attack even if there were a weirdo.

Trust your instincts always isn't very helpful advice when your instincts are borne out of groundless fear.

OP - I would do a risk assessment - so assess the risk by likelihood of it happening versus levels of severity.

The likelihood of it happening is very very low so in terms of taking a risk (even if you put the severity as death), it comes out as very low risk. To mitigate risks, you think about what you could do. Do you make sure you have a working phone on you? Does your phone have a tracker that you could turn on? Could you tell your partner when you're going and then call him when you get to the beach?

There are lots of things you could do that might reassure you. It sounds like your little girl loves being in the woods and it would be such a shame to deny her that opportunity because of a vanishingly small risk informed by horror films!

For me it’s only partly about an incident actually happening.
If I spent the whole trip tense and listening out for other people and/or being worried about what might happen it wouldn’t be very enjoyable anyway.

So firstly, when my DD was a toddler I was hyper aware of any risks and would probably have felt like you, and we are all on a knife edge because of Covid. BUT, you have a dog which should be a deterrent for any miscreants, and you end up on the beach! God I'd love that. If you can, try to really relish the freedom, and not to think of every horror film you have ever seen. Can you pick up a big stick and take it with you, or take the hairspray you mention in your OP. Anything to make you feel better? Also can you try to make your walk down to the beach your own - get you toddler to draw signs on the trees with chalk, make little piles of stick so you know where you are? The more you do it, the better you will feel, honestly.

During the day I’d feel safe with my dog as he’d protect me not sure about when it goes dark. You never know what’s lurking there.

No one can tell you what you should do, OP, but the more you do something, often the less scary it feels. You build up a history of nothing happening and so that's what you start to expect.

I walk the dog every morning alone in the woods. This time of year we are walking at 6.30am and so it is pitch dark. I stick on a head torch and a glow-up collar on the dog and off we go. It probably did make me nervy the first few times but I never think about it now.

It helps that the dog is a barky bugger

I often - almost every day - walk alone with my dog in the countryside, sometimes through woods.

There have been more people around since lockdown though.

I never get anxious. I suggest you take a walking stick with you, ensure your phone is fully charged, only go out in broad daylight and make sure you know exactly where you are going. I'm sure you will be fine OP.

Sorry I had forgotten about Rachel Nickell - which was truly awful - but that’s moving into serial killer territory. I honestly think if you are going use that as a possible risk then you are genuinely succumbing to totally unrealistic fears which then limit your ability to enjoy life.

There have been well over 100 million UK inhabitants since 1800 and 62 serial killers across that 220 years (interestingly including 18 women).

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

I dont understand the problem. I'm a single parent. I've been a single parent since my kids were 18 months and 6 weeks old. What do you think simple parents do? Honestly, the hysterical fear on this forum is ridiculous.

I can't see any evidence of hysterical fear on this thread, just people sharing their uneasiness in some places, and the importance of trusting ones instinct 🤷🏻‍♀️

*:02Candyfloss99

I think you are being a bit silly tbh.*

I wouldn't put it that way but yes there's some really out of control anxiety and off the scale risk perception here. The likelihood of a stranger attack in woods is vanishingly small

Hmm.

My mum has walked their dogs on her own in secluded places every day for the past 40 years. She's come across a couple of weirdos, but she's a tough old boot (despite being tiny) so isn't bothered.

On the occasions I've looked after their dogs, I have stuck to less secluded routes. I haven't forgotten a local murder where I used to live (a solitary middle-aged woman in a secluded place - the perpetrator was never caught).