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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bit offended by friends comment about my parenting

104 replies

Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:12

Friend is pregnant with her first and she won’t need to work.

She said to me the other day ‘oh, I could never mother like you have’ as in I have had to work and have had quite a busy life with my 2 kids- childcare, rushing to get to work, having dropped kids off at childminder but also lots of kids parties, quite sociable, kids doing sports clubs etc. I have been a busy mum but aren’t most people? I enjoyed it too- met lots of people & have had fun.

It’s offended me as it feels like a criticism- aibu?

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 10/01/2021 19:14

Yep that was rude of her and you should have told her so.

She’s probably in for a massive surprise in a few years time anyway

Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 19:15

You're offended at someone saying they don't feel they could live up to the standard you've set?

Ohalrightthen · 10/01/2021 19:15

She's saying that she couldn't do as much as you. That's praise, not criticism.

Bixs · 10/01/2021 19:15

Lots of people are like this until they actually have a child

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 10/01/2021 19:16

I'd bin her iff for using mother like that!

Ihatesandwiches · 10/01/2021 19:17

I'd take it as a compliment :-) she's aware she couldn't juggle all the jobs like you do.

Original poster

Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:18

It felt like a criticism to be honest - maybe I am being touchy

OP posts:

Almostslimjim · 10/01/2021 19:19

She's a twat, I had a similar friend who said a very similar thing to me. I just responded with, I choose to work, if I were a SAHP my brains would turn to mush and dribble out my ear. I deliberately made it sound as though I had a negative view of SAHP (I don't, I'd just be a really shit one).

When her baby was about 6 months old she decided she'd like to go back to work part time and I reminded her of what she'd said, she agreed she'd been a bit of a twat and we laughed about it!

TeenPlusTwenties · 10/01/2021 19:19

I don't think it is a criticism of you at all.
It is either just saying it wouldn't suit her, or saying she wouldn't cope with everything you fit in.

Mums need to understand others can make different choices without perceiving it as a criticism of their own choices.

june2007 · 10/01/2021 19:19

I think it was unreasonable of her to say it but don,t be offended that she wants to do things differently.Everyone has their own visions of how they want to parent and often the reality is not what we envisage. Also situations change.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 10/01/2021 19:20

I hear it as a compliment as ‘I don’t know how you did it all’, but you know your friend better than us. If she frequently nasty I’d distance myself in a big way.

Original poster

Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:20

I have always thought my parenting life was normal - aren’t all mums juggling?

OP posts:

Yokey · 10/01/2021 19:21

Nothing wrong with her saying she wouldn't do as you've done. It's just honesty regardless of whether she admires your choices or not. Surely that's allowed. Unless there was something in her tone or a backstory, YABU.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 10/01/2021 19:23

I'd just see it as she has decided to take a different approach.

Unicant · 10/01/2021 19:24

Sounds like a compliment to me? Or at worst just a statement of fact... perhaps she is not as energetic or just doesnt have the drive for it...
Someone else's choices and outlook aren't always a criticism of your own.
Unless shes usually a bitch who puts you down in otherwise id just read it as a compliment tbh

Emeraldshamrock · 10/01/2021 19:27

It is a little dig towards you as a working DM. She may not have meant to be rude but definitely foot in mouth situation.
Who wants to be run raged working while juggling the DC's social lifes and childcare it is a case of no choice.

Scottishskifun · 10/01/2021 19:29

I find that some people have ideas in their heads about what type of parent they will be......... And then their child comes along and it mostly goes out of the window as no baby or child has been told they should follow a book!

People have idealisms it's a bit of a snub but sounds like they don't have a scoobies so give it til toddler years and they will probably change their tune!

I had it with a friend (who actually had kids) before I had my son asking when I was going to have a child, when I responded with when I have saved up enough money to afford childcare and my career is stable she replied with oh your planning on being one of those mothers...... yes as I have a mortgage to pay and don't have a trust fund from rich grandparents that bought my house outright was my response....... She soon shut up

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2021 19:31

I don’t see it as a criticism at all. Most of we mothers make different parenting choices. We are not robots running mother 2.0 software.

Even if it were, so what? Most women pregnant with their first seem to have a very idealised picture of them, baby and father all cosy in an immaculate home with a baby alternating between smiles/giggles and solid hours of sleep. They think that breastfeeding or formula feeding will be peaceful and bonding and their baby will have the cutest little burps. They picture themselves lovingly cooking organic baby food hand puréed from perfect vegetables carefully selected whilst strolling through a market with rosy cheeked bundle of joy in a sling by their side.
They look at we experienced veteran mums with a mixture of pity and a dose of “that won’t be me, I’m better prepared/ more woke/ ill follow this baby guru fad” it’s a new mother bubble.
I always smiled back at my friends when they said things like this because it is truly they have no fecking idea what being a mother really is. Without fail, they’ve all had reality bring them back down to Earth. And usually they say things like they had no idea how hard it is, that they must have been insufferable...etc etc.

Catty1720 · 10/01/2021 19:32

Are you sure she meant it badly??

Elle8999 · 10/01/2021 19:33

Definitely rude of her! I had a ‘friend’ once say to me when I was returning to work (baby was 9 months old and about to start nursery), ‘I would have thought your maternal instinct would have kicked in by now’. I never said anything as it stunned me into silence but it’s definitely something I won’t forget!! Ignore your friend and do you! X

oblada · 10/01/2021 19:34

A lot of my friends have said similar but as a compliment in that they couldn't juggle it all and I must be crazy. But I love being busy so it works for us. If it worked for you there is nothing to be offended about...

haroldlow · 10/01/2021 19:36

She meant you handle it all well and she couldn't-it is a compliment.

LawnFever · 10/01/2021 19:37

It sounds like a compliment to me, she appreciates you juggle a lot and doesn’t feel she’d be capable of living up to your abilities.

I think you’re being over sensitive to read a dig into it, I think she’s looking up to you and recognising that she’d struggle to do what you do

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2021 19:37

Sounds to me like she said it in admiration! I know I think about it about a lot of mothers parents. I can barely get myself up and dressed in the morning.

Aloethere · 10/01/2021 19:38

@Spiritofeden88

I have always thought my parenting life was normal - aren’t all mums juggling?

Juggling what? You mention work and childcare in your OP. Have you never heard of a stay at home parent? I think you are taking what was most likely a throw away comment far too seriously.

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