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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bit offended by friends comment about my parenting

104 replies

Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:12

Friend is pregnant with her first and she won’t need to work.

She said to me the other day ‘oh, I could never mother like you have’ as in I have had to work and have had quite a busy life with my 2 kids- childcare, rushing to get to work, having dropped kids off at childminder but also lots of kids parties, quite sociable, kids doing sports clubs etc. I have been a busy mum but aren’t most people? I enjoyed it too- met lots of people & have had fun.

It’s offended me as it feels like a criticism- aibu?

OP posts:
Superfoodie123 · 10/01/2021 19:41

Oh yeah I have a friend who thinks she really understands parenting too, she really is a wonderful hypothetical mum, you could say almost perfect! I just have a giggle to myself whenever she gives her opinion and make note so I can do a compare/contrast later on when she has kids :)

Laiste · 10/01/2021 19:45

What was the rest of the conversation OP? I mean, you were there so how did it go?

You telling us one sentence out of what presumably was a whole conversation and asking what we think is a bit odd.

It's like an English lit exam question!

peapotter · 10/01/2021 19:47

Could be a criticism, just a comment, or admiration.

I could never parent like you. Not because of the work but because of the parties and clubs. It’s not my style and i knew that before I had kids too.

Are you maybe being a bit defensive?

emilyfrost · 10/01/2021 19:47

YABU. It’s not criticism and it’s not rude; you’re being touchy. Perhaps you’re insecure about your own choices and that’s why it’s getting to you.

audweb · 10/01/2021 19:49

I would take it as praise. I am in awe of people who have more than one, and who juggle work and children and seem to have a really full life. I only have one and work and really don’t do anything exciting, so i would have meant it as a compliment. Maybe think that it could have been the same from her.

Russellbrandshair · 10/01/2021 19:51

I think it was a really stupid thing to say. We are all different and it’s completely unnecessary to say something like that.

I’d actually tell her- “oh hey, you know when you said that, what did you mean exactly!”. Also I’ve known people make smug comments when pregnant like “well, having a baby won’t affect MY life at all!” . Then when the baby arrived they’ve had to eat a massive slice of humble pie. We are all perfect parents until we have children! To be fair they now look back at that comment and laugh at how naive it was!

Original poster
Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:51

@emilyfrost maybe I was a bit touchy but I have also always been happy with my choices & I had to work - part time when the kids were little.

To be honest, when she wanted kids she was quite critical of my life- critical that kids do too much these days & that my kids went to lots of parties but I think, in hindsight, it was because she was desperate to be a mum herself and at the time was single. She’s going to be an older mum, 47 when baby is born. So I can see why she would maybe want a slower life too.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive but it felt like another criticism when she’s been quite critical of me before

OP posts:
User0ne · 10/01/2021 19:51

I've said YABU but only because she doesn't have a clue so you'd be daft to take it too personally.

Have a giggle to yourself when reality hits

Astormofswords · 10/01/2021 19:52

This would upset me, I dream of giving up work but I can’t. I hate being so busy and running round like a nutter. If someone said that to me I would cry.

However She might have meant it in a good way, all depends on how it’s delivered / tone.

Russellbrandshair · 10/01/2021 19:54

@User0ne

I've said YABU but only because she doesn't have a clue so you'd be daft to take it too personally.

Have a giggle to yourself when reality hits

Exactly! Agree with this totally. I’ve seen this happen multiple times
PatchworkElmer · 10/01/2021 19:54

Depends on the tone really- I’m guessing it wasn’t complimentary.

She might well be in for a shock. One of my friends was similar- she was a teacher, and took the view that she couldn’t possibly spend all day with other people’s children and ‘abandon’ her own. When her son was 2 she realised that she desperately wanted to return to work.

I’d just smile and nod, or alternatively ask her exactly what she means?

Original poster
Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:55

@User0ne thanks, you are right!!

OP posts:
Musmerian · 10/01/2021 19:56

OP you’re not being touchy. Lots of people do that passive aggressive thing. I had it a lot when my 3DC were in primary and I was commuting to a full time teaching job and OH was doing the drop off and collecting. My stock response was ‘ Well some people are more resilient and efficient than others.’

Original poster
Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:58

It’s not even that I have ever wanted to be a stay at home mum either- I really like my job and like having something for myself. I guess it was the implication that by working, I have been less of an earth mother

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 10/01/2021 19:58

Yea that is rude. She is in a lucky position but it doesn't mean it was an option for everyone with the cost of living today.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/01/2021 20:01

I have gotnanfriendnwho has made totally different parenting choices to me - in my head l think no way l would do things her way but don't feel the need to say it out loud

2020iscancelled · 10/01/2021 20:07

I couldn’t get offended by someone who hasn’t get had kids and therefore knows fuck all about the reality of it.

I would just nod and smile - oh ok you don’t want to work. That’s great, you do you. Why give ang weight to someone’s opinion or criticism of your life, when they have zero experience to compare it against.

She’ll find out soon enough, aaaaah the presumptive naivety of the yet to be parent is so fun

FestiveFruitloop · 10/01/2021 20:09

@Ohalrightthen

She's saying that she couldn't do as much as you. That's praise, not criticism.
That's how I read it too.
Carysmatthews · 10/01/2021 20:15

Tell her to come back in a year when she’ll have some idea what she’s talking about.

IseeIsee · 10/01/2021 20:17

She wants to do things differently. It could be an insult or compliment. IDK, I don't think there is anything wrong with saying you would choose a different path. It was probably tactless.

firstimemamma · 10/01/2021 20:17

It was rude, yanbu. I've got a friend who also makes little digs every so often e.g called ds 'spoilt' and I've just distanced myself from the friendship a bit. Btw u sound like a lovely normal mum!

Robbybobtail · 10/01/2021 20:19

Nah, I have a friend like you and I would say something similar. But what I mean by that is I’m too lazy to be rushing around chasing my tail all the time. I would mean it more as a jokey comment about myself really.

Maybe you are being a bit sensitive?

Coriandersucks · 10/01/2021 20:21

What was your response? If a friend had said that to me I would have immediately said ‘and what the hell do you mean by that?!’

NataliaOsipova · 10/01/2021 20:24

I mean this kindly - but if she’s pissed you off, pull her up on it. Ask her what she meant. Tell her it upset you. That way, she gets a chance to apologise and you get the chance to save a friendship.

Posting on here about it just causes more angst and allows lovely posters to start spewing vitriol against women who’ve made different life choices from them and saying that their “brains have turned to mush”. Just have that chat with your friend. If you don’t like her opinions, don’t be friends with her anymore.

Ginfordinner · 10/01/2021 20:26

I voted YABU only because YABU to be offended by her remark.