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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bit offended by friends comment about my parenting

104 replies

Spiritofeden88 · 10/01/2021 19:12

Friend is pregnant with her first and she won’t need to work.

She said to me the other day ‘oh, I could never mother like you have’ as in I have had to work and have had quite a busy life with my 2 kids- childcare, rushing to get to work, having dropped kids off at childminder but also lots of kids parties, quite sociable, kids doing sports clubs etc. I have been a busy mum but aren’t most people? I enjoyed it too- met lots of people & have had fun.

It’s offended me as it feels like a criticism- aibu?

OP posts:
gingganggooleywotsit · 10/01/2021 20:27

Depends how she said it, I would be a bit annoyed I think. What does she know about parenting anyway she hasn't had any kids yet"

Therarestone · 10/01/2021 20:27

We all think we will be better. Reality will find her soon enough!

OchNoAgain · 10/01/2021 20:27

It's sounds like a compliment to me but I guess I wasn't there to actually hear it.

I'm in awe of those with more children than me, work more hours or stay at home more, do more hands-on stuff, have tidier houses, are single parents, have no family support, have children with additional needs etc. I think a lot of parents feel 'I don't know how X does it, I'm only just coping as it is!' and maybe that's what she meant but just badly expressed.

BrummyMum1 · 10/01/2021 20:37

It’s always the ones who set out to be a doting, loving, organic baby food making SAHM that end up begging to go back to work full time 9 months down the line when they‘ve learnt some hard truths about parenting. I wouldn’t take your friend’s comment as a criticism but equally I ignore any parenting advice or criticism or even parenting opinion from anyone who doesn’t have kids.

Timeturnerplease · 10/01/2021 20:45

She might not have meant it like that....unlike DP’s friend’s wife, who spent ages telling me how I couldn’t possibly keep my career after having a baby because I didn’t understand just how much I’d hinder my child’s development. I pointed out that I’m a primary teacher and therefore probably slightly better placed than her to judge children’s development....

B33Fr33 · 10/01/2021 20:48

That didn't take long to bash SAHM

DressingGownofDoom · 10/01/2021 20:51

We're all brilliant mums when we are pregnant aren't we!

B33Fr33 · 10/01/2021 20:54

But primary teachers don't look at early child development and only study the curriculum and it's delivery. They don't cover whether or not it is appropriate; the effects of early socialization or separation from a primary carer Hmm; the expected developmental goals before pre school age. I imagine she thinks you're a bit odd for your remarks.

Sewrainbow · 10/01/2021 20:57

Only you know the tone, but from what you've written I'd say it sounds ds like a criticism. If it wasn't then surely it would couched in "I don't know how you do it, admiration etc."

The fact she is pregnant with her first I bet she has a lovely, albeit unrealistic idea of how amazing it'll be. Only you know whether you want to give her the benefit of the doubt and carry on being friends, but I'd be wary of further criticism in the future.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2021 20:59

@Spiritofeden88

I have always thought my parenting life was normal - aren’t all mums juggling?
How much they have to juggle often depends on whether the DC's dads are pulling their weight.

You haven't mentioned yours, could that be what she meant by ‘oh, I could never mother like you have’, as in not 50/50?

Hankunamatata · 10/01/2021 20:59

Isnt she just saying she couldn't cope being a working mum

KitchKlassic · 10/01/2021 21:09

Amazed so many read it as a compliment - it most definitely wasn't IMO! Especially since she's got form for having "opinions" on "children these days".

Daft woman is in for an almighty shock Grin

Don't let it get to you. She's inexperienced, naive and about to feel like a complete plonker. She'll be in genuine awe of you soon enough OP. I like a pps stock response if it happens again:

Well some people are more resilient and efficient than others.

Ginfordinner · 10/01/2021 21:11

Or not so easily offended.

Cameleongirl · 10/01/2021 21:11

@Therarestone

We all think we will be better. Reality will find her soon enough!
^^ Just what I was thinking!🤣

Let’s see what happens when she’s actually a Mum.

Ramblingwords · 10/01/2021 21:13

Usually best to ignore the things that pregnant parents to be say about parenting!

MilkMoon · 10/01/2021 21:16

Say ‘Yes, I could never make myself economically dependent like you are planning to’?

Ugzbugz · 10/01/2021 21:18

She's deluded

ProudAuntie76 · 10/01/2021 21:24

I’d just have taken it as a compliment.

She knows she couldn’t work and have an infant. She admires that you can.

I have people in my life that I’m exhausted just looking at...we’ve got a different energy and inner tempo. I couldn’t be a busy busy busy person all the time. It sounds like you can and she can’t and she’s honestly acknowledging her limitations.

She’s 47. Presumably she has saved enough prior to conceiving to stay at home and there’s nothing wrong with either choice, as long as it’s what’s right for the individual. Work/Stay At Home...but there’s no need for divisiveness from both camps.

Sinful8 · 10/01/2021 21:25

@Spiritofeden88

Friend is pregnant with her first and she won’t need to work.

She said to me the other day ‘oh, I could never mother like you have’ as in I have had to work and have had quite a busy life with my 2 kids- childcare, rushing to get to work, having dropped kids off at childminder but also lots of kids parties, quite sociable, kids doing sports clubs etc. I have been a busy mum but aren’t most people? I enjoyed it too- met lots of people & have had fun.

It’s offended me as it feels like a criticism- aibu?

Shes saying she wouldn't be able to keep up the busy routine you do.

Wheres the insult in that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 21:26

Why didn’t you just ask what she meant by it? Would have given you something specific to be upset about instead of people speculating.

user1471439310 · 10/01/2021 21:29

I had a neighbor tell me she could never put her children in daycare like I had. First I only worked 3 days a week and we needed me to work to help pay bills. Some live in their own dream world.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 10/01/2021 21:32

Oh FFS. 🙄 What an inconsiderate, rude and also stupid thing to say when she has no idea what it's like to parent small children anyway. She may get a bit of a shock. And should perhaps have considered that life is not always as predictable as she seems to assume it will be.

I am sure you have better friends than this OP. If you think it's worth trying to save the friendship and was just a silly and ignorant comment on her part then explain how it made you feel and if she's a decent person she'll apologise. If she's not a particularly close friend then don't waste your time on her any more.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2021 21:37

@user1471439310

I had a neighbor tell me she could never put her children in daycare like I had. First I only worked 3 days a week and we needed me to work to help pay bills. Some live in their own dream world.
I also ran into that. A friend was shocked I put all mine in daycare to return to work FT. She commented “Why did you even have children when you put them in that day orphanage?” And then went on a little rant which was in sum that I was a terrible mother, the most cold and unfeeling of women, and that she could never do that to her children and miss their first steps. She quickly became an ex-friend. We lost a lot of friends in those days over differences in parenting. I didn’t care that she wanted to stay at home with hers, it was just that she clearly thought her way was superior to mine and that I was somehow hurting my children by using daycare.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/01/2021 21:40

Are you Julia from Motherland and is she Amanda Grin

Also in your position I'd sit and be quietly smug about how she has no idea what's about to come or what type of mother she'll be

MindatWork · 10/01/2021 21:41

I think pp saying it’s a compliment are being a bit disingenuous (particularly given OPs update). If you were being nice you’d add something positive like ‘you do such a great job’ / ‘I wish I could be so organised’ etc. Or acknowledge the fact you’re fortunate you don’t have to work!

I imagine the responses to this one will depend on each of our own experiences. I’d take it as a dig but that’s because my own (otherwise lovely) MIL, who never worked, repeatedly said ‘I could never bear to part with my boys’ when we were discussing nursery for DD, ignoring the fact that DFil was a city banker and they could afford for her not to work.

However I know from DH that it’s more a reflection of MILs insecurity than any criticism of me as a mother, so I didn’t say anything and held off making any comments along the lines of ‘oh I could NEVER stay at home, I’d be too bored’ etc.