Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

OP you can apologise to your DH but don't beat yourself up about "abusing" him - you are mentally unwell, not an evil manipulative demon. He doesn't have any idea how to help you. People who don't have these fixations think your can just apply logic to it and the issue will go away. If only it were that easy!

Good luck and please check back in after talking to the GP.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

There's no point in your dp being awake while your breast feeding though. Have you tried combi feeding or expressing?

Rationally, I know this.

On my “good” days, I don’t think twice about DH being asleep whilst I feed.
There isn’t anything he can do.

But there are nights when I feel irritated and annoyed with him for being asleep and I don’t know where these feelings come from or why
I feel like that.

It really doesn’t have anything to do with the actual feeding or how I feed.
Breastfeeding is one of the things I’m actually really sure about and I know it’s not something if I want to stop doing. 🙂[/quote]
That's great and you should absolutely continue it if that's how you feel. Being sleep deprived can have an odd affect on the things we feel, so even someone who is not suffering with the other feelings you're having could feel like that when they are really tired and someone is lying next to them sleeping. Right now I have terrible pregnancy insomnia and sometimes don't sleep at all through the night. I get irritated when dp is snoring happily next to me.
I don't think anyone here was trying to convince you to stop bf, just that sometimes women put unnecessary pressure on themselves to continue when they are really struggling with it.

It sounds as though you want to continue breastfeeding & doing night feeds, but resent your husband for being asleep because he doesn’t have breasts.

this seems to be a case of misery loves company - you are tired & want him to be tired to. You feel a sense of unfairness because he is “getting” something (sleep) when you’re not.

But you need to own your choices - it is your choice to continue to google when you need medication for PND and anxiety.

It is your choice to continue to breastfeed when it sounds like in reality you resent the responsibility of doing the night feeds, which is what you say you want.

Depression & anxiety can often express as raging anger. It is not your fault But it is your responsibility to sort out & not lash out at your partner.

@Draineddraineddrained

FWIW when I weaned my 2.5yr old (so really barely feeding at that point) it precipitated me from a very fragile emotional state based on traumatic grief to full blown breakdown. The hormones related to bf are powerful and you don't just muck around with them. Could people PLEASE stop recommending weaning to the OP as the solution to all her problems, sudden and reluctant weaning is dangerous for mothers' mental and physical health.

Conversely, when i weaned my DD at the same age OP's baby is now, amid chronic depression and anxiety, i had slightly sore boobs for about 12 hours and hand expressed a bit to feel more comfy - 24hrs later it was like nothing had happened. Your experience is not universal.

@Ohalrightthen

I imagine the difference was you wanted to wean rather than bowed to pressure to do so. As I said above, it makes a difference how you feel about it. The OP has repeatedly said she wants to continue, knowledgeable people and medical professionals have repeatedly posted that there is no reason why she can't seek help for her problems and still continue, yet poster after poster has popped up suggesting and even asserting that stopping breastfeeding will lead to her recovery. It's irresponsible, presumptuous and stupid.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Someone has just accused the OP of "abusing" her DH. You think that will help her? But instead you pick on me for supporting her as a breastfeeding mother. And even when she has reasserted to you that breastfeeding is not her problem, that her anger at DH when night feeding isn't rational, and that she doesn't want to stop, your reply (beneath a superficial veneer of acceptance) is still trying to push her towards reducing or ending breastfeeding.

But I'm the one who is overinvested in this issue and being unhelpful

I've had post natal depression and anxiety. I had cbt which helped but a low dose of an ssri helped more.

@allthingsbrighter Good morning you brave lady! I hope you are doing ok. One step at a time xx

Please contact an expert ie a GP this morning.
It is not for anyone here to be advising on breast feeding and medication.

I can tell you ( as others have) I have been there and you can overcome this with help.

Good morning OP. Wishing you well with your GP if you get through today. Keep it simple - eg your anxiety is spinning out of control, you are constantly on edge, catastrophising, you cannot relax or participate in family life . . . you think you would like to try medication which is compatible with breast feeding, as well as talking therapy when it is available . . .

Totally recognise not wanting to give up breastfeeding, and also with the irritation with a snoring husband, whilst you feed your little one at night. It's dark. It's cold. You are tired then - and you just want to feel that you are in this together.

(You might try to keep a list during the day of the things he does for your family. Then on the other side of the sheet, put the things you do. So the night feed is balanced by the load of washing he puts on. The next feed is sitting opposite a meal he has cooked. Might help you to keep a sense of balance about how much you are both doing.)

Best of luck

Good morning, I hope your call today goes really well and you feel like the wheels are in motion to get the help you want.

Stay strong and make the call

Hope all goes well today OP! It will seem really scary to take that first step but it will help you so much. Good luck!

You need medication. I have a 1 year old and been on flouxetine for post partum anxiety for a few months now. I would not be coping at all without it. Im me again.

Please OP, breastfeeding is great but if it's at the detriment of everything else then maybe you should consider stoping now. You need meds.

@pinkgin85 OP has said she enjoys breastfeeding and that is the one thing she feels sure about. There's plenty of medication that can be taken whilst breastfeeding. She doesn't need to stop breastfeeding if she doesn't want to.

There are breastfeeding safe antidepressants @allthingsbrighter. Sometimes you need medication to give your mind the space it needs to let the therapy help. Some antidepressants work very well for anxiety. There is an anxiety driven version of PND called Post Natal Anxiety.

There is no reason or need to stop breastfeeding if you wish to continue doing so, OP.

(Trained infant feeding peer supporter here, for what its worth, although obviously my quals are as reliable as anyone's on an anonymous internet forum!)

For advice on this, I would rec getting in touch with your local peer supporters if you have them, or La Leche League, or contact your HV or GP.

Wishing you well and hope you are heartened by the support here and can start getting some help with your anxiety.

Good luck calling the Dr today OP. I hope you can access the help you need. Sertraline saved my life and my relationship - you just have to make that first call

Morning OP. I hope you are making that call. Getting through to the docs on monday morning is always a pita but please please do it, and hang on until it’s answered.

You will feel better once you start getting some help, in fact the very act of reaching out for help will lift a bit of the load. I know it’s daunting but anything is better than how you’ve been feeling lately, surely? Have some faith, and if you can’t muster any then fake it til you make it, because you will make it.

Please come back and tell us you’ve called.

Hi OP

Apologies for not reading all 14 pages, but it sounds to me like your DH is frustrated. He sounds like he loves you very much, but wants to leave the situation rather than you.

Please seek some help, and contact your GP/ HV and discuss your concerns.I am sure that if you try and seek help for your MH, your husband will support you.

Doing nothing for sake of your husband, baby and most importantly YOU, is not an option. Good luck xx

There appears to be some confusion around safety of ssris in breastfeeding mothers. Here's another link www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/antidepressants/
Reading it, it's typical of the unclear nonsense typical of non medical articles (snd is nothing accurate as they don't take three- four weeks to work and doctors won't prescribe trycyclics any more so why they even have article space let alone be first on the list) but if the OP is worried about covid then she's definitely of the type to worry about 'taking pills' instead wanting a cure that doesn't involve them.

But the hard fact is that there isn't one. This is a serious mental illness that needs immediate attention.

OP if you feel that you can not breastfeed and take ssris then you really need to prioritise your mental health. What you want or are ready for are far less important than where this will go if you don't. Covid is getting much worse and your husband is on the brink of leaving.

As someone who lost everything because I had absorbed the message that therapy was the answer and pills were bad please trust me on this. Therapy made me much worse because it focused on my childhood. Cbt which you've had might have slightly helped but I strongly doubt it. Once those neurotransmitters get out of control it's all over.

The worst part is that your mind plays tricks on itself. It's not your husband or his snoring it's you. If the doctor says it's safe to breastfeed on ssris then listen. And please just get medical help because otherwise I don't know where this will go - and right now the last thing you want is to end up in a hospital with a breakdown.

I notice someone said to stop bf. Please if you can carry on. If you're feeling detached and negative it can be the one positive achievement and focused time with your baby. I speak from experience, 2 years of PND. I also felt that distraction you feel for reasons other than Covid but a huge upheaval in our life at a very bad time. Breastfeeding was the one thing that really made me feel like I was getting something right!!

As for the feelings towards your partner I feel like a lot of mums have similar feelings but yours are amplified into anger by your circumstances.

I ended up taking anti depressants and I always say they and my kids saved my life. I'm not being flippant. This was 12 years ago and I still take them as I developed PMDD which anecdotally is more prevalent in mums who've suffered PND or anxiety.

I'm still angry with my husband a lot but he's not as helpful as yours. I think talking therapy would really help there. The anti-ds I took just made me feel a bit less urgently stressed about things, obviously the problems didn't just go away.

Just really want you to know I've been there and we're through it and still married. It was an awful time though and I feel for you xx

Good luck today OP, not that you'll need it. GPs are well used to dealing with this kind of situation and they can help you.

Today is where your recovery begins.

Also I didn't read everything sorry but just I say I took citalopram while breastfeeding and then again in a subsequent pregnancy and whilst breast feeding. My children are now 12 and 7

@allthingsbrighter I took setreline. It doesn’t pass into your milk xx

@allthingsbrighter also I really hope all these responses show how common your position is. Doesn’t make it any easier I know but just know, there’s people on here who have gone through and are still going. Deep breaths xx