Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

If there was ever a year to be anxious, this past one was it! And it sounds like you have perhaps some post natal issues, too.

I would ask for your bloods to be taken, OP, when you see/speak to your GP. Check for low iron, low B vits.

Just practically speaking - are you getting out for a bit of fresh air and exercise? Every day?

Oh, I forgot, also wanted to say there is a useful site where you can check to see if most drugs are safe whilst breastfeeding, should you need to:

www.sps.nhs.uk/articles/ukdilas/

OP - hope it goes well with the GP. Little, very simple, achievable things might help just for now so try:

1. Going for a walk (with baby in pram) each day
2. Making a “to do” list each day with just one or two things on it

(Tomorrow’s could be contact GP, attend appointment. No more)

1. Write a letter to your DH, to tell him how much you love him. It will be lovely for him to read, and support him in supporting you.

That’s enough for one day! Keep your list short and achievable, and be pleased when you have done things on your list. Go for positive little things (could be household jobs, like sorting out that kitchen cupboard - everyone has that cupboard! or giving your baby a different fruit/veg for the first time). Focus on the little, positive things you can do while you and your GP get to grips with the bigger stuff. You can do this.

This sounds like my ex husband’s anxiety. Go see your GP and tell them all this, ask for some anti-anxiety meds and take them. It takes about 2 weeks for the head to start to clear. You are catastrophysing. It is incredibly difficult to live with a partner who is doing this all the time. It’s not your fault, you are poorly but equally you need to get help for this before you completey alienate your DH

@jwills

do you have a decent health visitor? Alternatively ask your GP to refer you to your local peri-natal mental health team. That’s where I was diagnosed.

I met her once before DC was born.

After that we never saw her, I contacted her several times and left messages but she never got back to me.

I contacted the main board and they told me she’d left.
I have no clue who my actual HV is now. I’ve only called a few times and each time I just have to speak to the on duty HV.

OP, there are neurological reasons why your brain is obsessing.I'm a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist and am trained in how the mind works and thinks. Hypnotherapy is a mixture of relaxation, psychotherapy and giving you the knowledge to understand why your brain is working like it is and working with you to change the patterns and behaviours. It would help you massively. If you want to contact me I can explain it to you and then you can decide if you want to try it. Just knowing why your brain is functioning that way will bring you clarity.

The other thing my brain did was convince me if I relaxed and stopped worrying about things then bad things would be more likely to happen- if I dared enjoy myself playing with my baby then karma would ensure I died young and wouldn't be there for them. Totally bizarre and intrusive thoughts but absolutely not true. The relief when they stopped forcing their way into my brain was immeasurable.

@Birthdayrushfaff

I've been where you are OP.

New baby (well, 12 months at the time) and obsessed with the fact that I would die should I catch covid. I'm also vulnerable but not CEV.

I was so panic stricken I wanted DH to quit his job.

I disinfected everything that came in the house, from post to shopping.

I got upset with DH for not washing his hands often enough, for not wearing surgical gloves at work.

I felt like a sitting duck and as though it was only a matter of time before covid caught up with me and I died.

Then I caught it.. and to be honest with you I've had worse colds (I'm not saying it's not awful for some, but for the vast majority it isn't)

Please step away from the internet. Stop watching the news.

Have a heart to heart with your DH and tell him exactly what you've told us. Accept help from the GP, I'm on beta blockers and they do help.

Exercise, reading, mindfulness, self care all helps.

@Birthdayrushfaff

This is what I’m like with DH.

I really do feel sorry for him but I can’t seem to stop.

Oh OP, you sound so lovely

You also sound like you are having a really tough time, I agree with others in that you really do need to reach out to a professional to help you.
Ask your husband not to leave and tell him you are ringing on Monday to get help, it can be really hard for those on the other end, but you are a good person and a great mum that just needs a little help, so please don't miss this chance to make you feel more like you again. Ring tomorrow morning.

Anxiety works by demanding 100 percent assurance which life can never give us, and so we go round and round in our heads looking for a reassurance we can never get.

What you are doing currently is obsessing, ruminating and searching for reassurance in the places you are least likely to find any. Stop.

The trick is, to be ok with the doubt. To be ok with the 80 percent rather than 100 and realise this has always been ok. How each of us do this is individual but there are many, many books, websites and professionals who can help you.

You are going to be ok, it is going to be ok.

Hi Op, sorry to hear you are experiencing this, it’s really difficult to see the full extent of our struggles with MH as we tend to minimise it. I tried reading the full thread - there’s some excellent advice on her and apologies if this has been repeated but you mentioned you are on Mat Leave - can you check with your employer / or even DPs ( if they are employed) if they offer Employee Assistance programme. If they do they would offer a menu of support including therapy / amongst other things so please do check them out. It would be free and completely confidential so your employees won’t know. And you can access this mat leave it not. It might be a step to consider in addition to going to GP / meds etc. It might be helpful to think of this anxiety as a separate entity that is trying to take over abd it’s not who you are intrinsically as a person and that what everyone has suggested are important steps to stop the anxiety from taking over you. Also you can call Mind Info line (can find on google) - you are not alone and can do something about it

@Thewinterofdiscontent

I’d live apart. It’s a million times easier with a baby/ toddler if it’s just you. No pressure for a tidy house, meals, being pleasant or staying awake. You may get the spark back if he’s not in your face.if not 2 years of living apart and divorce is only £500. If it goes on , then get meds in because it’s more than just life.

Good grief! The man is trying his best to help his obviously very unwell wife and you want her to dump him and live alone? How on earth is this a good idea

Apologies re appalling grammar - trying to get it all out on an ancient iPhone!

OP- I am a doctor- I implore you to seek help for this. What you are experiencing is not low-level anxiety which is based on a reasonable concern about COVID. What you are experiencing sounds all-encompassing, obsessive and unhealthy level of anxiety which is not based on a logical or factual assessment of your actual risks of becoming very unwell or dying as a result of contracting COVID-19. Being brutally honest, even if you were extremely clinically vulnerable (which, based on the information you have given in your posts, you are definitely not) the degree of anxiety you describe would be excessive.

You need to speak to your GP- you clearly need help with this- it sounds like you have significant anxiety, and quite possibly post-natal depression- you need help which may or may not include medication. You clearly cannot carry on as you are- you have no quality of life, you are struggling with home and family life and you may lose your marriage. Without help, things will not get better and may well get quite a lot worse.

However, I do wish people would stop stating that you need to stop breastfeeding to take medication. It is not the case with all medication and there are several anti-depressants that are perfectly safe to use whilst breast feeding (if your doctor feels that medication is necessary), so please don’t let the idea of having to stop breast feeding put you off seeking help or taking medication if that is what is advised by your doctor. Sometimes medication is needed to get you to a point where you can actively engage in talking/psychological therapy, for instance. Sometimes medication is not needed, but the right practical and emotional support and talking therapy can help. It depends on quite a few things and the best way to find out is to seek help and get an assessment.

Also, I would say that you need to be open with your husband and start listening to him too. I know, from experience, how hard it is living with someone who is struggling with their mental health- it is very hard, thankless and can be soul destroying. This is not said to upset you or make you feel guilty, just truthful. Nor does it detract from the suffering of the person who is unwell. In my case, as my ex-partner was not willing to take the help and treatment offered to him and made every excuse under the sun as to why he could not take the medication/attend the therapy/ask for help when he was worsening, eventually I left. I was not helping him by staying- just ended up that I looked after him and enabled him to not seek help as I did everything (earned the money, did the shopping/most of the cleaning/house and garden maintenance, paid the bills, organised tradesmen etc), which meant that he did not have to face up to his problems as he could hide behind me. It made me miserable and as he did not want to change, I decided to end the relationship. It was actually, in hindsight, something I should have done long before I did for both our sakes. Might not be the same for your husband and you- you have a child together, which does change things in some ways, for instance- but don’t underestimate how hard things can be for the partner of an unwell person. And sometimes, the partner can get to the point where they need to leave, for their own well-being. If you feel your partner is trying to get help, then at least there is some hope things will improve and leaving may not seem the only option left.

@allthingsbrighter would your DH phone the GP in the morning for an emergency appointment for you? He may find it easier to get across how poorly you really are. I suspect you don't have the ability right now to be forceful about this. Him joining the call would also be worthwhile.
It may also be worth looking into treatment for PTSD especially if you have flashbacks. That might require a different approach to ordinary CBT. When I was having CBT for anxiety and OCD they spent some time trying to unpick whether it was PTSD because that would affect how they treated me.
Like you I have always been anxious but events meant it has spiralled into OCD and full blown anxiety. I certainly had sertraline while I was breastfeeding (baby was fine). I have patches where I need medication, have had CBT and I'm OK. Not better but I can function. I'm ECV so I can know how hard it can be to keep the risk in perspective.
Good luck

[quote allthingsbrighter]@jwills

do you have a decent health visitor? Alternatively ask your GP to refer you to your local peri-natal mental health team. That’s where I was diagnosed.

I met her once before DC was born.

After that we never saw her, I contacted her several times and left messages but she never got back to me.

I contacted the main board and they told me she’d left.
I have no clue who my actual HV is now. I’ve only called a few times and each time I just have to speak to the on duty HV.[/quote]
Please ring them again and ask for a visit. They are still doing home visits and they should be able to refer you for more support. I had this for 3 months before my GP rang and got me a new HV who was brilliant.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?

No. Most people don’t. We take steps to minimise risk and get on with our lives.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

I’m glad that you have agreed to ring the GP tomorrow. Playing devil's sdvocate here - I have lived with someone who suffered from anxiety and depression, and it is very hard. Your husband will feel that you are pushing him away. He is the voice of reason, and to him it appears that you are not listening to him. He will also think that you should be doing more to help yourself because he will be ground down by constantly having to reassure you.

Good luck for tomorrow.

OP I’m sending you lots of love. I’ve had anxiety and PND, and to feel like you’re at war with your mind is brutal. Please speak to your GP, medication is a good start to get you feeling a little less anxious and irrational and a little more clarity. If you have the funds, I wouldn’t waste time with NHS treatment, I’d go privately. Throw some money at this, your mental well-being is worth it.

I did EMDR for my anxiety and it changed my life. Genuinely. You won’t always feel like this, but a big push to speak to the GP and access therapy is needed. Lots of luck

All things brighter - I’ve come across a utube video you may find helpful.
Please look up Somatic Practices to relived stress and self soothe by Dr Peter Levine and Dr Jeffrey Rustein - it’s about how we are coping or not with COVID and gives some practical exercises to help.
I’d suggest we all view it.
Peter Levine is a very clever man and has done fantastic work with individuals dealing with trauma.
Yes - hard to get hold of a health visitor but mention your mental health and they are meant to allocate a named staff member.
I wish you well.

OP my heart goes out to you because I understand extreme anxiety. It's not real, but it feels like it is, and unfortunately you've got a pandemic to latch onto, which is of course quite serious overall even though the risk for you is tiny.

What you need to understand though is that although this feels like it's about Covid, it really isn't. Your brain would be latching onto something else if it wasn't this. For example, a friend in the same position got obsessed with the idea that her cats were going to injure/suffocate/give diseases to the baby. It's the obsessive recurring thoughts that are the problem here, not the Covid.

I know you already know this as you've googled extensively, but your BMI is not terrible in Covid terms (over 40 is considered a risk), asthma is not considered a relevant vulnerability (there doesn't seem to be the link you'd expect) and you don't know if you have a problem with your joints. Pregnancy fucks things up. Some studies show psoriasis as having a protective effect, almost as if your immune system is a little bit 'on' all the time fighting it so is ready for Covid. But... that's not the point. Nothing in the world is going to prove to you that you're ok because your fears aren't rational. They really aren't.

Everyone is scared an anxious. Many people are vulnerable or extremely vulnerable. But to be SO obsessed with it that you want a conversation with your husband to hurry up so you can get back to worrying about it is not a normal level of anxiety by a long, long, long way. Honestly love it really isn't. Please understand that.

It's ok to be anxious about it. I find Chris Whitty's statement about it very helpful. I'm paraphrasing but he said most people won't get Covid. Of those who get it, the overwhelming majority will have mild symptoms. A very small percentage of the small percentage that get it, will have more serious symptoms, which can be managed at home. A very small percentage OF THOSE people will have to go to hospital, and most of those will be treated with non-invasive methods and discharged. A very small percentage of all those will end up in ICU and even most of those will survive, but a small percentage will die. If you're in your 90s, or have cancer you are still massively more likely to survive than die if you get this. Our risk perspective is really skewed.

You have to find a way to stop checking the news. And you really do have to see your GP and talk about obsessive recurring thoughts. Medication will help and CBT done properly would help (I don't think you are in control of your thinking at all at the moment). Honestly the biggest risk to your life right now is your mental health, not Covid. By miles and miles.

Mydogmylife

I’m not saying dump him! I’m saying live apart. The baby is the Op’s problem it’s the stress she feels around her partner. Taking it out in him, behaving selfishly etc. Having a baby changes the dynamic.

If he’s out of the equation ( in terms of day to day life) she can have a breather and work out what the problem is. She’ll get more sleep, be able to manage her day and focus on the baby rather than being anxious Maybe she’ll feel empowered rather than second best wife and mother.

I haven't read all the replies but your situation sounds so much like how I was 2 years ago.

I was obsessing and could not focus on anything other than my worries. They were not health-related (they were actually related to finances, and a few other things that actually were only a tiny issue) but my reactions were disproportionately OTT. I could think about nothing other than what I was worrying about. I couldn't focus on conversations, and I couldn't listen to reason.

Eventually I realised how unwell I was, and saw my GP, who put me on Prozac (fluoxetine). It took about 2 weeks to kick in, then the difference was incredible.

Eventually I felt well enough to come off the Prozac and I thought I was fine.

When Covid hit my anxiety started creeping up again. I became obsessive that my blood pressure was high and I would die of Covid if I caught it. I started getting some weird physical symptoms that I now know were anxiety related, but I thought were signs that I was about to have a stroke.

Not helped by a colleague (younger than me) having a major stroke around the same time.

Luckily this time I was able to recognise the symptoms and got to my GP quickly, who put me back on the Prozac.

I've been fine since, but I'm staying on the meds until at least Covid is behind us.

I am still careful to try to avoid Covid, and I really don't want to get it, but I have a much more proportional understanding of the chances of me getting very ill or dying.

I just wanted to give you an example of how meds can really help.

You've had a really tough time. You've had a traumatic birth, you've had a baby during a pandemic, and you're going through the hormone upheavals of pregnancy/birth/postnatal.

You've tried to help yourself by getting CBT, which is a great move, but you need a bit more help.

This is all something that you can overcome. You sound absolutely lovely, and you deserve to live a happy life free of this overwhelming anxiety.

By the way it's well known and understood that fast births ARE traumatic. They don't get a lot of sympathy (because most people are like me with over 24 hours from first contraction to baby!) but that doesn't make it any less the case. So you have had a tough start. But the important thing is that you don't let this steal any more of your time and thoughts and happiness and marriage. I promise it will be like coming out from under a cloud and you'll be able to see things a lot more clearly once you get proper treatment (probably medication).

My 4 year old uses a brown inhaler. It has been made clear to me (and to DH who is also asthmatic and a doctor working with COVID patients) that asthmatics are not at greater risk. Obesity is one of many factors. But there are FAR more people with your BMI who get COVID and recover from it. Especially young people with slightly elevated BMI.

My MIL is mildly obese. She’s got a serious lung condition. She used to be on oxygen for months on end. DH is worried about his mum but not massively. She’s also over 70. (She should get vaccinated next week anyway).

The problem is that I can logically tell you all of this and it will make absolutely zero difference to your anxiety. It is not logical and rational. And in some way you have to accept that and then get some help. Otherwise any help you get will not work because you will see it as minimising your concerns.

@allthingsbrighter it’s so much harder when you don’t have a decent health professional team in place. Let’s make a plan?

1. Phone GP first thing in the morning for an appointment. It’s urgent. Don’t let them make you think otherwise.
2. Sit down with your husband tonight. Show him your original post. Please trust me on this. Tell him you feel that you are unwell and whilst you do love him etc, your anxiety has taken over everything else. Tell him you need his help and that you would like him to come to the doctors appointment with you.
3. Do not bring the baby to the appointment (if you can).
4. Write down with your husband tonight your symptoms - anxiety, exhausted, tense, mentally alert constantly, hyperviligent etc.
5. Take that list to the doctors.

Might be worthwhile asking for a double appointment as you don’t want to feel rushed.

1. Your GP should work out a plan with you, medication for the anxiety in the meantime and therapy for the long term.

Please know this will become more manageable and you will be ok.