Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

Show him this post how much you have praised him. It's very well written and it may help him to understand what's really going on in your head x

I hope you can get to the doctor ASAP and get the medicine you so desperately need.

Your anxiety/depression is going to explode your life if you don’t deal with it now, and a doctor will help you deal with your denial.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@AlternativePerspective

You have thought all along that you’re going to catch COVID and die but you’re still here aren’t you?

But that only because I don’t see anyone.
That will change when I have to go back to work and DC goes to childcare.

I’m work at a medical centre so can’t wfh.[/quote]
Consider changing jobs then?

[quote jwills]@allthingsbrighter it’s so much harder when you don’t have a decent health professional team in place. Let’s make a plan?

1. Phone GP first thing in the morning for an appointment. It’s urgent. Don’t let them make you think otherwise.
2. Sit down with your husband tonight. Show him your original post. Please trust me on this. Tell him you feel that you are unwell and whilst you do love him etc, your anxiety has taken over everything else. Tell him you need his help and that you would like him to come to the doctors appointment with you.
3. Do not bring the baby to the appointment (if you can).
4. Write down with your husband tonight your symptoms - anxiety, exhausted, tense, mentally alert constantly, hyperviligent etc.
5. Take that list to the doctors.

Might be worthwhile asking for a double appointment as you don’t want to feel rushed.

1. Your GP should work out a plan with you, medication for the anxiety in the meantime and therapy for the long term.

Please know this will become more manageable and you will be ok.[/quote]
@jwills

Thank you. That sounds like a good plan.

@allthingsbrighter reading your post was like reading a story about my life 8 months ago!

I had a prem baby who was in hospital a long time after birth, we came home just as the pandemic occurred. I fall into a vulnerable category too and essentially had the same overwhelming anxiety you do. It is all consuming and what you describe about feeling impatient with others I have experienced.

You have been told by lots of PP to speak to your GP. Please do. I wrote down a list of what I wanted to say so I didn't get flummoxed when on the phone. You can take your health into your own hands, so if they offer medication say you'd also like some counselling.

I got started on a relatively lose dose medication and honestly feel so much better, able to cope and my relationship has improved 100x. Also, your dh may say you taking steps towards helping yourself as taking steps towards saving your relationship too.

I really wish you all the best xx

I agree with @jwills, speaking as a CBT therapist myself, I think you need support from people who have understanding of post natal difficulties specifically. CBT is a very good evidence based approach for many anxiety disorders but I wonder if you had your CBT through IAPT or with specialist services used to supporting mothers specifically? It’s so tricky at the moment but I think you need to speak to your GP as others have said and express how severely you are struggling. Counsellors can do a fantastic job but you need, as you would with CBT, someone who specialises in post natal support and a more multi-disciplinary approach. I would press you GP for a referral to a Perinatal MH Service. They will be able to listen to your experience which you’ve described so eloquently here @allthingsbrighter and be able to help you in a way that is more tailored to your needs, which is likely to be a number of approaches. I’m not sure what services you have but do push for this referral and take your husband or whoever can support and advocate for you.

I’ve also been in your position OP, like so many here. You can get to a better place where you feel much more comfortable. It actually makes me shed a tear for you and all people struggling like this because it is so tough. But it can get better with the right support from people who have specific postnatal expertise so please ask for help and tell them what you’ve told us and keep telling them. I wish you the very best of luck

You need to own this, otherwise you lose your husband and possibly residency of your child. Consider stopping breast feeding, don’t just shut this down with a flat no, it will lead to your recovery. Stop googling shit. You need medication, get counselling, urgently, have you got money to pay for it?

I feel sorry for you, but so much for your husband.

@Keratinsmooth

You need to own this, otherwise you lose your husband and possibly residency of your child. Consider stopping breast feeding, don’t just shut this down with a flat no, it will lead to your recovery. Stop googling shit. You need medication, get counselling, urgently, have you got money to pay for it?

I feel sorry for you, but so much for your husband.

This is untrue and a catastrophic response about ‘residency’. It is very unhelpful.

on the contrary actually.....but jumping the gun seems to be ok with you.so..am easy bout that. i bin so long on medication its helluva hard to function without it...its the most awful shituation that non medicated therapies and interventions arent hit first.like i said,contrary to shoot down- i was that soldier..i dont think everyons story p;lays way mine did but there are far better routes to peace of mind that dont come in a box..i meant what i said tho.stop breastfeed hit meds is shite advice....at least approach gp/mental health/health visitor...or call some sorta post natal helpline. im allowed to say what i think same as you.

Ok I have anxiety. I have had two breakdowns. I am on the extremely critically vulnerable list for chronic asthma and have nearly died from my asthma. I also have rheumatoid athiritus.You need to sort out your anxiety asap. I do not worry like you do about covid. I am on sertraline and it has been brilliant for my anxiety. It is very clear you need treatment xx

Oh sweetheart this sounds like really bad PND or worse. You definitely need professional help, please talk to you GP asap. I don’t think your DH really wants to leave, he’s just finding it impossible to cope so he’s making a cry for help. Please show him this thread, and tell him you’ll get help.

I just wanted to echo what jwills said.

I hope you can be open with your husband & go and see a GP tomorrow. I agree this is very, very urgent.

You can get help.

These feelings will pass.

You will recover.

Sending you love and strength tonight.

I've suffered long, long term depression so please hear this: these kinds of emotional/mental illnesses steal your true personality from you.

You need to see your GP and get better help. You are not the person you have become, you just need help to get your true self back.

Sounds like your DH is a star but is burned out. Being the primary support person for someone with anxiety/depression/similar is exhausting. It's not your fault, but it's not his either. It may be you who is unwell but you're living the fallout together.

For both your sakes, demand more help.

@Keratinsmooth

Consider stopping breast feeding, don’t just shut this down with a flat no, it will lead to your recovery

Seriously what the fuck is this?? Why are so many people on this thread SO invested in shutting down the OP's breastfeeding, when she hasn't indicated at any point that she wants to stop? And when there is no reason on earth she needs to as the vast majority of SSRIs are perfectly compatible with breastfeeding? How DARE you say stopping bf will lead to the OP's recovery when you have NO idea or basis to believe that is the case?

Seriously what is wrong with people??

@Keratinsmooth

You need to own this, otherwise you lose your husband and possibly residency of your child. Consider stopping breast feeding, don’t just shut this down with a flat no, it will lead to your recovery. Stop googling shit. You need medication, get counselling, urgently, have you got money to pay for it?

I feel sorry for you, but so much for your husband.

This is all utter bullshit.

@allthingsbrighter
Hi OP

I’ve had anxiety for years and like you mine has now become fixated on covid. I completely understand how you’re feeling and I recognise a lot of what you describe - constant assurance seeking, obsessively googling information, dread and panic about facing the world, being constantly distracted by catastrophic thoughts ... however, I am able to recognise that my level of anxiety is irrational and at odds with the actual risk, which is something you don’t seem to have got to yet. Admittedly this doesn’t really help reduce the fear, but intellectually and rationally I can see that I am blowing things way out of proportion and that this level of fear is neither normal nor healthy. I sometimes lose sight of that when I get caught up in a spiral of panic, but reading the replies on this thread simply reminds me that my way of thinking is not normal and that it doesn’t have to be this way.

The problem is of course how to stop it. As others have said it does sound like medication could help take the edge off and give you a bit of breathing space to tackle the thought process head on. I’m or sertraline which does help but doesn’t get rid of anxiety altogether. I’m also seeing a therapist who’s trying to help me tackle my intolerance of uncertainty which is the cornerstone of most anxiety and particularly relevant covid. For me the lack of control and the lack of certainty are what perpetuate my anxiety as I’m terrible at accepting either.

The methods I’m trying to employ are a PP suggested - a sort of mindful approach whereby you recognise and acknowledge the thoughts are there, you don’t try fight them, push them away or reason with them (as no amount of reasoning and researching is going to help - there will always be an element of doubt ready to creep in!). Instead it’s about accepting their presence, allowing them to be there and dispassionately observing them - it’s ok t wish they weren’t there but the more you fight them the harder they cling on. I try to do regular practices of this technique and also use some of the ‘defusion’ techniques from ACT (have a look online).

Also - definitely limit your exposure to news and social media (including the covid board on mumsnet!) - I find this increases my anxiety hugely as there’s literally no escape from the constant doom and gloom and it gives you a skewed perspective. Yes covid is serious, yes we need to be careful but when you’re seeing things through a lens of anxiety it’s very hard to maintain any kind of perspective.

You definitely need to see your GP and seek some help as it’s virtually impossible to tackle it alone. It’s great your DH is supportive but I think you need to play your part and try to get some help. I know it’s hard and I completely understand how you’re feeling - it is exhausting and soul destroying but you’re not alone and it can get better. I’m still struggling but I am seeing more glimpses of normality.

Please feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat. Good luck

FWIW when I weaned my 2.5yr old (so really barely feeding at that point) it precipitated me from a very fragile emotional state based on traumatic grief to full blown breakdown. The hormones related to bf are powerful and you don't just muck around with them. Could people PLEASE stop recommending weaning to the OP as the solution to all her problems, sudden and reluctant weaning is dangerous for mothers' mental and physical health.

@allthingsbrighter Good. Glad you like the plan. Tomorrow is a new day. Please keep me updated. I really would like to help you.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I’m really grateful for the support.

I am going to speak with my GP tomorrow.

I know a lot of posters have suggested stopping breastfeeding, but it’s really not something I want to do.

I love feeding. I’m not ready to stop and I know my baby isn’t either.
I did mention in my OP about the night feeds, but it’s not the breastfeeding that I resent, it’s my snoring husband at the side of me whilst I’m awake.

@Draineddraineddrained not everyone has the same experience when giving up breast feeding, and as I said this could be something that the OP is pushing herself to do.
You are getting very worked up about it, you should perhaps try to calm down a bit. Cant imagine reading your over the top posts about how damaging giving up breast feeding is will be helping the OP.

I love feeding. I’m not ready to stop and I know my baby isn’t either.
I did mention in my OP about the night feeds, but it’s not the breastfeeding that I resent, it’s my snoring husband at the side of me whilst I’m awake.

That's absolutely your choice OP and it's great that you want to keep it up. Pushing yourself to do anything at the moment wouldn't be a good idea. There's no point in your dp being awake while your breast feeding though. Have you tried combi feeding or expressing? These also both come with their own challenges sometimes, but maybe worth a try if you think more sleep at night would help you.

I’m glad you are going to get help. Please try sertraline as this will help you massively. Take turns with the baby if DH is around. try some follow on milk now as you have done well to feed till now. Don’t abuse your poor DH. He sounds great and you have basically abused him.

[quote jwills]@allthingsbrighter it’s so much harder when you don’t have a decent health professional team in place. Let’s make a plan?

1. Phone GP first thing in the morning for an appointment. It’s urgent. Don’t let them make you think otherwise.
2. Sit down with your husband tonight. Show him your original post. Please trust me on this. Tell him you feel that you are unwell and whilst you do love him etc, your anxiety has taken over everything else. Tell him you need his help and that you would like him to come to the doctors appointment with you.
3. Do not bring the baby to the appointment (if you can).
4. Write down with your husband tonight your symptoms - anxiety, exhausted, tense, mentally alert constantly, hyperviligent etc.
5. Take that list to the doctors.

Might be worthwhile asking for a double appointment as you don’t want to feel rushed.

1. Your GP should work out a plan with you, medication for the anxiety in the meantime and therapy for the long term.

Please know this will become more manageable and you will be ok.[/quote]
Such wise advice ❤️❤️❤️

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

There's no point in your dp being awake while your breast feeding though. Have you tried combi feeding or expressing?

Rationally, I know this.

On my “good” days, I don’t think twice about DH being asleep whilst I feed.
There isn’t anything he can do.

But there are nights when I feel irritated and annoyed with him for being asleep and I don’t know where these feelings come from or why
I feel like that.

It really doesn’t have anything to do with the actual feeding or how I feed.
Breastfeeding is one of the things I’m actually really sure about and I know it’s not something if I want to stop doing. 🙂

@gah2teenagers

Don’t abuse your poor DH. He sounds great and you have basically abused him.

😔 💔

He is great.