Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

I had PP anxiety and it nearly finished me off. Everything you've written resonates with me.

I went to the doctor and started on 50mg sertraline, eventually upping the dose to 100mg. It's been an absolute life-changer. Six years on I'm a completely different person. Please, please get help for yourself. You don't have to live in such misery.

@allthingsbrighter do you have a decent health visitor? Alternatively ask your GP to refer you to your local peri-natal mental health team. That’s where I was diagnosed.

I am so sorry you weren’t listened to during your birth. That wasn’t right and it wasn’t your fault. I felt a debriefing with the hospital about the birth helped.

If you take one piece of advice, it’s to go to your GP WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Speak freely about how you feel so your husband can hear. He needs help with this too.

I’ve lived with someone who has severe depression for years now. It’s very similar to your anxiety in that they latch on to an idea or a viewpoint and cannot be swayed even with very sound logic and hard facts. I’m not going to lie it’s incredibly difficult when unmanaged. It’s like living on a knife edge. I have a great deal of sympathy for your husband and for you as well.

As PP have mentioned sertraline is the medication that made them really turn a corner. You need help because theres a chemical imbalance in your brain is causing it to misfire. If you had diabetes you’d not think twice about treating that.

You need medication!!!!

Sertraline is absolutely safe for breastfeeding.

I would ask your husband to not make any decisions for 6 months or a year. As long as there is no abuse, there is time. Then get on meds and if they don’t work, go back and ask for something else.

Really hope you take the good advice on here OP. It definitely sounds like you are still very very ill. Well done for reaching out and being honest. That must have been difficult.

Taking medication sounds like a good option for you right now. It doesn't have to interfere with breastfeeding, which you should definitely continue with as you say you want to...you don't need the extra hormone imbalance of stopping right now!

Here is a really useful site about medication whilst breastfeeding. (as some GPs are not as up to date as they could be)

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/anxiety/

Good luck with the GP tomorrow.

There are different AD’s for different people and different symptoms. It often takes a trial of several meds In order to find one that suits, and this takes time and patience. A good psych will try and understand your mood, patterns of behaviour and then consider prescription and a suitable therapeutic path in tandem.

You really need to get some help. This is only going to nose dive.
With regards COVID anxiety there will be something else for you to fixate on when it’s over. And if it’s never over and we have to learn to live with it you need to be able to function.
I have a risk factor for COVID and I’ll be honest there are days when I forget about it. As in if we’re having a lazy day at the weekend I won’t even think about COVID once. When I do think about it I’m not worried I’m pissed off about all the things it’s preventing me and my family from doing.
Also you asked about be worried about death in general. I’m not worried about that. Me and my husband have sorted our wills out and I know the kids would be well looked after with him or their guardians. I am instead focussing on living and making memories.

Your level of anxiety about covid is definitely extreme.
I have severe brittle asthma. Colds can make me seriously ill, my last one resulted in a hospital stay that was over a week. I’m also a mother.
Covid is something that worries me if someone in my bubble has been around someone positive, which has happened twice so far, but most of the time it’s not on my mind too much.
Dr Alex George has done a lot of covid related videos, he’s very honest and factual but very reassuring so it might be worth giving those a watch.

@allthingsbrighter what you want is not what you need. And what you need is medication. Talking therapy if it doesn't make you worse (and it very very possibly will) with take months to work.

You need to step back and do what has to be done instead of allowing yourself to give in to what you want (to keep breastfeeding.) Just let it go - you aren't perfect and that's ok. They aren't 'happy pills' or addictive or any of the shit you have read. They will save your life and give you your head back (though do look into supplements to help with the sexual dysfunction). In seven days. Just follow the doctors advice and don't think you or Facebook news it your friends know better.

It's not fair on your husband and you are not a doctor. Take advice from the professionals because this kind of depression does NOT go away on its own!!!

Ok, you have been given lots of good advice on this thread but you seem reluctant to take it, or have an excuse as to why you can’t do each of them. First of all, get rid of your laptop/phone. Just have a house phone in the house. That much screen time can’t be good for anyone especially when you are feeding the anxiety by what you are looking up! Second, speak to the gp, take the medication if needed! Yes you will have to give up breastfeeding but he will still be feed either way! Third, start eating healthy, get a good nights sleep, your other half will be able to help if your baby is bottle fed!! I’ve been through what you are going through, only I didn’t know it until I came out the other side of it. It’s not a nice place to be but you need help and you should seek it now before you end up being single.

I would definitely stop breastfeeding before thinking about antidepressants. I am totally normal whilst not breastfeeding, but in a constant panic whilst breastfeeding. Honestly it's such a transformation when I stopped (after 6 weeks with one and 18 months with the other)

I’d live apart. It’s a million times easier with a baby/ toddler if it’s just you. No pressure for a tidy house, meals, being pleasant or staying awake.
You may get the spark back if he’s not in your face.if not 2 years of living apart and divorce is only £500.
If it goes on , then get meds in because it’s more than just life.

Just had a look at the link from a PP for breastfeeding mums. SSRIs (by far the most common antidepressants) can be taken when breastfeeding. According to that site. So no more excuses because these things can get an awful lot worse.

The thing is I really do want him to stay.
I love him. I just don’t know how to make him (or myself) happy.

Neither you or your DH should make any important decision about your relationship until you have been treated for anxiety or depression or PND op.

Live apart?!!
They've been married for 14 years and in the first traumatic year of a new baby in a pandemic.
This is tough but he just needs to support you through it. You are suffering because you carried and birthed and fed his child, he does not get to walk away until you are better and sleeping through the night and your child can talk. Wait it out until all that happens. You are married and he needs to suck it up, and you need some sleep.
We went through all this, then had another god help us, now they're older and we just have a lovely normal family life. The baby bit was just grim.

OP - anxiety like depression is a sign of postnatal illness. YOu sound as if you need help. It is good that you will speak to your GP but I suggest that you also call the APNI helpline as they can talk to you and put you in touch with a phone or email buddy who has been through it which really helps. Call them tomorrow - number is here. apni.org/

@Ohalrightthen

You need medication, it sounds like.

And maybe to stop breastfeeding.

I hate that you said stop breastfeeding.

That is always trotted out as a solution when it’s anything but. Firstly babies still need feeding and getting up sorting bottles etc is even more of a hassle. No where did OP say that breastfeeding was a problem, just that she gets angry and resentful of her sleeping DH.

Secondly you don’t just switch breastfeeding off and it can cause a lot of anxiety and mental health issues to stop suddenly, many women feel increased anxiety when the hormones reduce after stopping and many babies resist the transition.

None of this is what the OP needs right now

You sound very depressed about how anxious you are. Making excuses or finding reasons not to follow advice is typical of people in the throws of depression who need more than self help. I agree you would benefit from medication and referral to a clinical psychologist who can offer a broader range of talking therapies than CBT.

Just wanted to offer you some support OP . You are going through a lot at the moment with all that is going on . Not getting a full night sleep in itself can have a knock on effect on your mental health .
All I would say is seek some professional advice . I was similar to you with anxiety and depression and it spiralled ,as it can consume you . Medicine can get you to a place where other therapies are more likely to work . The sooner you get help the better as it will stop it escalating to crisis point and not being able to focus on anything .
Meditation , EFT May also help as they calm the mind and in turn your whole system down .
I think a lot of people are struggling like you , I had a breakdown 3 years ago after acute anxiety and depression got the better of me . Only good thing about it is I feel a stronger person for it and understand more about mental illness and have so much empathy for fellow sufferers. I refuse to go down that route if I possibly can but again understand all the reasons why things can get on top of people .
Don't be too hard on yourself OP but please seek help

[quote allthingsbrighter]@LikeIDo

That's not true. I am 37 weeks pregnant and therefore considered vulnerable. I do not worry like this about Covid. I really don't.

Are you frightened of death...?

Since becoming a mother, death has seemed so horrendous.

I’ve actually always, for as long as I can remember, been frightened of death, but it’s so much worse since having DC.[/quote]
Everybody dies. No-one has escaped it yet.

Maybe it will be covid, maybe it will be the No27 bus, maybe it will be that the fall you have when doing the Conga at 92 in the nursing home.

But one day, in the next 70 or so years, you will die too, so will your husband, your son and everyone you have ever known and loved.

Face it head on.

Look at how you would like to spend your last week, your last month, your last year. Ring the people that you have meant to get in touch with one day; do the thing that you have always meant to do but never got round to - make it so that in the moment of death, whenever it comes you can look back and say "I had a good life".

I've been where you are OP.

New baby (well, 12 months at the time) and obsessed with the fact that I would die should I catch covid. I'm also vulnerable but not CEV.

I was so panic stricken I wanted DH to quit his job.

I disinfected everything that came in the house, from post to shopping.

I got upset with DH for not washing his hands often enough, for not wearing surgical gloves at work.

I felt like a sitting duck and as though it was only a matter of time before covid caught up with me and I died.

Then I caught it.. and to be honest with you I've had worse colds (I'm not saying it's not awful for some, but for the vast majority it isn't)

Please step away from the internet. Stop watching the news.

Have a heart to heart with your DH and tell him exactly what you've told us. Accept help from the GP, I'm on beta blockers and they do help.

Exercise, reading, mindfulness, self care all helps.

I absolutely loved the actual breastfeeding experience and found it easy. However the 24hour responsibility and the poor sleep that came with it definitely severely affected my mental health. If I'd had another I wouldn't have exclusively breast fed. That is my experience, and it is a valid experience.

There is no need to stop breastfeeding to take antidepressants- as mentioned several times above the Breastfeeding Network's excellent medicines in breastfeeding resource is very reassuring.

Good luck to the OP and I hope she can get some help this week. Don't be put off if your surgery are limiting face to face consultations etc - you can write things down and read them out on the phone or email them in. Best wishes.

I know that you desperately don't want to hear this, but to me you are suffering from classical PND symptoms.

You're more likely to lose your husband as a result of that, than of covid.

I've no idea what 37 BMI is, nor do I care. You're very much in danger of losing a helluva lot if you don't make that call in the morning.

I was you. I was completely you. Paranoid about everything - potholes in the paths were seriously something that I wrote to the council about - I was sure that my child was getting shaken brain syndrome, in her buggy, by being driven over an ever so slightly uneven path. Think that sounds insane? Nope. Couldn't cross the street because surely, a boy racer was going to crash into the pram and kill my child. That not bad enough? Nope. Paedophiles were everywhere - trying to get my dc. Anyone who spoke to me or my child was a paedophile.

I was put on antidepressants and the madness stopped.
Just tell the doctor. They really have heard it all before.
Your husband sounds lovely. As do you.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@VintageStitchers

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?[/quote]
No. Your feelings are pathologically disproportionate and irrational. Sorry for what you are going through OP. . It must be really difficult. You need some help. It sounds like medication would be very appropriate in the short term and then maybe some longer term therapy?

I definitely could have written this (particularly the poster who said they were consumed with thoughts of a neurological issue, that was 100% me) and it's the strangest feeling because whenever anyone tried to reassure me it angered me so much more because I thought they were just dismissing me, and lost so much sleep convincing myself I was dying! CBT helped me a lot, but I have resigned myself to the fact that I need to contact my GP for some medication as I cannot carry on living like this anymore - my DC is 18mo and I honestly cannot feel like this any longer.

I don't know if it will help, but because of covid my GP has an online consultation form, I used that initially and I will be again, I couldn't work up the nerve to ring them and physically say the words outloud.

Have a chat with your husband, he's as lost with all.of this as you are, and absolutely any support you need, ask him for - he sounds like a good guy and I imagine he'd do anything to help? Being open and honest about how you feel will help you both navigate this! And you've done amazingly well to have had a baby during a pandemic, you're far stronger than what you think!