Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

You definitely need to speak to your GP and get external support. Your DH is doing everything he can to help you but he can't diagnose you or prescribe you medication or therapy.

Hi OP. Please speak to your HV and GP tomorrow let them know how you feel 24/7 they can help you so please reach out to them.
Goodluck OP these feelings can be overcome.

OP, you seem to be completely ignoring the many poster who think you should speak to your GP and get some help.

Why is that?

Oh you poor thing.

You are clearly unwell and your thought processes are very definitely irrational.

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Please, please contact your GP tomorrow morning and beg for some help.

You're husband sounds absolutely fantastic to be honest. A real gem.
A real one in a million.

You need to get proper mental health support and if I were you I would pay privately if there is any way you can, NHS waiting lists are huge and you need help right now.

If I were you I would do anything I could to hold onto a husband like that.

@Ohalrightthen

OP, you seem to be completely ignoring the many poster who think you should speak to your GP and get some help.

Why is that?

@Ohalrightthen

I’m not Ignoring them. I didn’t want to reply to everyone saying the same thing “I will call my GP”.

I’ve been reluctant to call because I feel like all they will do is give me medication, which I’m more than happy to take, but I want more than that.
I need to talk to someone too.

Stop protesting. You don't know what is or or not wrong at the moment. Stop second guessing and insisting posters are wrong. Who knows?

Talk to your HV and GP as soon as possible. Start working out what actually is happening and what steps you can take to resolve it.

I’m sorry for you. He is your DH and should be supporting you no matter how hard. My DH has PTSD and it’s destroying me having to hold up the family, him, finances all while he is falling apart and (how I see it) isn’t even trying. It’s bloody tough but I’m still here and have no intention of leaving.

You need to seek some professional help and you need to come off the internet.

Start by hiding the COVID topic, hysteria breeds hysteria on there, and then remove yourself from social media. And no good ever comes from google.

You have thought all along that you’re going to catch COVID and die but you’re still here aren’t you?

I am vulnerable, I am not registered as CEV but my consultant has told me that if I catch COVID I would be unlikely to survive, but if I did the damage to my lungs is likely to be such that I won’t be able to have a heart transplant when that time comes. But worrying about that achieves nothing.

As for your DH, he is now married to what has become a COVID conspiracy theorist and he feels he can’t take it any more. He isn’t wrong. But think about what him leaving actually means. It means no more lie ins on the weeKend, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the night feeds which tbh is fair enough if he’s at work, and then eventually having to give up your baby for 50% of the time. And for what? And then eventually him finding someone else and having more children with them, your baby’s siblings.

Is that really what you want?

yes you’re ill and that’s not your fault. But if you won’t seek help for it then you can’t expect other people to be tolerant of it.

I have a heart condition, if I refused medication I couldn’t be upset if my partner said he’d had enough...

You must make an appointment to see/speak to your GP.
It might not be depression per se, but you are not in your best mental health at the moment and you need treatment.
Depression isn't always about being sad/depressed, by the way - it can be suppression of other feelings of happiness, joy, contentment etc.
I had a time in my life when the ONLY emotion I could feel was anger of some kind - ranging from minor irritability through to furious, incandescent rage. This wasn't healthy and I needed both medication and counselling to come through it.

You also need something to help you - and the place to start is your GP.

@VintageStitchers

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?

The thing is I really do want him to stay.
I love him. I just don’t know how to make him (or myself) happy.

That's because you're in the midst of a mental health crisis and can't see the wood for the trees. If you ignore this, it will only get worse.

Go to your GP and get help, not only for yourself and your DH, but also for your child. This could be very damaging for your DC if you don't seek treatment.

I agree with Surelynotnever - you're husband sounds like a real gem. You clearly realise that deep down as you love him and don't want him to leave even if you can't think of a reason for him to stay.

You need to make an urgent appointment with a doctor and get properly diagnosed. Self-diagnosis (i.e. as you've said above it's extreme anxiety not depression) is incredibly dangerous.

There's a high chance that if you do not taken action and see a GP (which you seem to not want to) you will lose the man you love and end up in a worse situation.

We can't force you to listen, but don't ask for advice and then ignore the fantastic advice you're getting on this thread!

I love him. I just don’t know how to make him (or myself) happy.

You can do this by getting help and treatment for your illness.

Please contact your GP in the morning and tell them exactly what you have said here in your opening and subsequent posts. The route out of this is help from medical professionals, don't minimise how you are when you talk to them and don't allow yourself to be fobbed off either.

Living with that level of extreme anxiety is no good for you, your dh or your child. Your child will pick up on your anxiety and the atmosphere in the house between you and your husband, don't kid yourself that they won't or that you hide it well.

The doctor will be able to help you, try to stop googling it as well. Take some steps to feel less anxious

@AlternativePerspective

You have thought all along that you’re going to catch COVID and die but you’re still here aren’t you?

But that only because I don’t see anyone.
That will change when I have to go back to work and DC goes to childcare.

I’m work at a medical centre so can’t wfh.

Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?

No, OP. People are concerned and want life to get back to normal, but they're not having obsessive thoughts and believing they're going to die. Especially people of your age, who are extremely unlikely to get seriously ill from it. You are rejecting the facts in favour of irrational fear, and you need help to overcome it.

I wish MNHQ would do more to move threads about Covid to that section. I've blocked the section but you wouldn't know it from the number of threads that appear in other sections.

Sweetheart, you’re really not well. Please, please call your GP first thing tomorrow morning and get some help.

@unbotheredbutbewildered

We can't force you to listen, but don't ask for advice and then ignore the fantastic advice you're getting on this thread!

I know, I will call. First thing in the morning.

I worried about it hugely to begin with, before anybody else. But then I calmed down a bit. I was crying about covid before people realised it would ''travel''. So I do understand. Luckily for me my anxiety abated when I realised the recovery rate is about 99%

I have history for anxieties over things that people shrug over. eg, gas leaking. (when I was a child).

Totally second going to see somebody. I'm seeing a psychiatrist atm, not for covid but for relationship with parents but i got the impression some of her new clients are covid related. I'm one of the few people she doesn't see online.

You need to speak to your GP about this. Your husband is right, this isn't rational and you do need to get help.

Please talk to your GP or health visitor. What you are trying to do is the psychological equivalent of walking on a broken leg.

And hide the Coronavirus topic. Seriously. I'm sure there are people who find it helpful but despite being fortunate to have robust mental health I find that even five minutes there makes me feel panicky.

I was in a similar situation. You do need to address this soon or he WILL leave you. I had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, for many years. Took the pills did the cbt etc but I got worse and worse. Husband tried to help, but it got way too much for him. He eventually left for good 6 months ago and our son is now 5. It was miserable for all of us. I have had a different diagnosis and the correct treatment since and am working my way to being much happier than ever as I'm not relying on him or feeling resentment. Get yourself help, nothing will change otherwise. Do you have other support such a family or friends?

@Cherrycee

Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?

No, OP. People are concerned and want life to get back to normal, but they're not having obsessive thoughts and believing they're going to die. Especially people of your age, who are extremely unlikely to get seriously ill from it. You are rejecting the facts in favour of irrational fear, and you need help to overcome it.

@Cherrycee

This is what’s scary, to me it doesn’t feel irrational.

It feels real. I 100% believe I’m at risk from severe illness or death.

I can’t cope with the uncertainty.