To think DPs parents are too involved

[Lindtlover2021]

NC

I'm getting a little fed up with DPs parents when it comes to our DD.

DD is 5 months old and I'm trying to wean her onto solids. I've been pureeing my own veg and a little bit of fruit here and there (not too much as I don't want her to get used to the sweet taste and reject veg).

She's doing well and loves her puree. However, DPs parents keep buying other types of food for her e.g Farleys Rusks and baby rice. I don't want to feed DD these foods, as I prefer homemade. When they buy us the Farleys etc. we say thank you and take it, but don't actually use it (I might have eaten one of two myself lol). They will then ask every time we see them if we've fed DD the food they bought, and we simply tell them we've been feeding her pureed food and hope for the topic to be dropped. Unfortunately though, they have a tendency to go on and on about things when it comes to DDs parenting e.g. when to start feeding baby solids (MIL fed DP baby rice at 3 weeks old), and she wanted us to feed DD baby rice before she was even 3 months, but we didn't! Their tendency to not drop certain topics makes me very uncomfortable as I'm not sure how to respond when they insist that their way is the right way.

Not only this, but every time I say something about DD e.g her teeth are bothering her today, MIL will disagree and say it's something completely different which I find upsetting, as she seems to assume I'm clueless and don't know my own daughter as well as she does.

I'm finding their attitude towards us as parents a little patronising, as they seem to assume we don't know what we're doing. Despite taking advice from professionals and other people who have young children. With the greatest of respect to them, a lot of the advice they've given us hasn't been great e.g telling us that a 4 month old shouldn't be sleeping for 6 hours as it's too long, or that Farleys Rusks are full of all the nutrients baby needs etc, or that a baby who is a few weeks old needs to be fed water.

AIBU to think that they need to back off a little and let us be the parents? I don't mind being offered advice as long as they say it once and drop it, rather than hound us about it.

Yep too involved. You're the parent, so smile & nod & ignore! 😉

Far too involved.

Stop seeing so much of them.

Whenever you hear anything you don't want their opinion on, keep repeating on a loop

"thanks, we have this".
"All good, we know what we are doing".
"Don't concern yourself, we are happy with how things are going".

Stop giving them so much information.

Change the subject.

They don't respect you.

Be VERY careful of leaving your child with them, as these sort of in laws are so consumed by thinking they know best, they will disregard your preferences and do what they want.

You haven't communicated with them. Do you expect them to read your minds?

Yep, this sounds par for the course, it is annoying but you're taking the right approach. Acknowledge then ignore.

As long as you are happy with what you're doing, try not to let it bug you, remember there's no need to argue because it really isn't up to them. Smile and nod, say thank you, then do what your and your partner think is best.

Just say thanks but she doesn’t like them and so not to buy more, as the last lot went to the food bank. Smile and nod and then do what you like.

@Lemonpiano

You haven't communicated with them. Do you expect them to read your minds?

Actually I have, however it resulted in MIL going off and sulking in the kitchen which is why I'm uncomfortable doing it now as I don't want a falling out.

No MIL the guidance has changed now...repeat ad nauseum

@billy1966

Far too involved.

Stop seeing so much of them.

Whenever you hear anything you don't want their opinion on, keep repeating on a loop

"thanks, we have this".
"All good, we know what we are doing".
"Don't concern yourself, we are happy with how things are going".

Stop giving them so much information.

Change the subject.

They don't respect you.

Be VERY careful of leaving your child with them, as these sort of in laws are so consumed by thinking they know best, they will disregard your preferences and do what they want.

This is too true. Many a time when DD was very young we said we wanted things done one way and MIL done the opposite of what we asked. I need to have a word with DP about seeing them less. Thank you

@carbhunter

Yep, this sounds par for the course, it is annoying but you're taking the right approach. Acknowledge then ignore.

As long as you are happy with what you're doing, try not to let it bug you, remember there's no need to argue because it really isn't up to them. Smile and nod, say thank you, then do what your and your partner think is best.

Thank you!

I echo pp; she didn’t like the rusks, so I threw them out. I’m making her food myself, please stop buying commercial stuff. Woman up, this is your child! Better yet, get DP to tell his own parents. I’m assuming you’re not in the U.K. that you see them so often or oh god, do you live with them??

@Cherrysoup

I echo pp; she didn’t like the rusks, so I threw them out. I’m making her food myself, please stop buying commercial stuff. Woman up, this is your child! Better yet, get DP to tell his own parents. I’m assuming you’re not in the U.K. that you see them so often or oh god, do you live with them??

We don't live with them, but they're round the corner from us and they don't like to leave it too long without seeing DD so they tend to call in.

Ironically, rusks are fortified and puréed fruit is full of sugar, so if you are going to wean your child earlier than the recommended age it’s difficult to tell your MIL guidance has changed and you are following it.

Honestly, wait until your child is six months old and skip the purée stage altogether. It’s not needed.

They shouldn't be calling in, that's against current covid guidelines.

How often do you see them? Hop you don't live with them.

Surely with Covid this is the perfect time to cut down on seeing them.

And you let them in your house?! I’m assuming conversations like you describe aren’t happening within a distanced doorstep hello. Sorry if that’s not the case but if it is then I could just cry. I don’t like every thread becoming about COVID but seriously, when are people going to take this seriously? Have you seen the current death figures? If you want to see less of your in laws then I’d suggest taking some responsibility and locking down is one way of solving this

So your MIL sulks if she can't do things the way she wants with YOUR child.

Ffs ...step back.

This is only going to get much worse as your child grows.

Let her get upset.

You need to put those big girl pance on and be clear to your partner.

You will not be dismissed or undermined.

If his mother has a tantrum....so be it.

You will never win with her.

The best you can hope for is that she will know you mean business and will back off.

But it's unlikely you could actually fully trust her.

What is it with some Grandparents that they have this huge need to undermine new mothers and think they have some right to impose their views on how their grandchildren should be parented.

IMO they are batshit freaks.🙄

Farleys rusks have more sugar than a digestive biscuit.
Wait until your DD is 6 months (as per guidelines) and research BLW.

Say you can’t see them due to Covid.

I would try and distance them a bit. Should not be difficult in current circumstances

Well they can't call in now, unless they are in your support bubble and if they are it's supposed to be support for you, so you may want to reevaluate who you have I'm your bubble if their comments are not particularly supportive of you!

They really do need to step back and let you parent your own way. We're fairly recent grandparents and tbh I find it really interesting to see how things have changed since we were bringing up our children. We were laughing about it with our DC and telling them all about rusks and baby rice of the past, as opposed to the baby led weaning they are doing. I wouldn't dream of criticising or trying to push a different method of weaning on them.

Your DH should be shouldering the responsibility of getting his parents to stop undermining you. He needs to set the tone for the future. If they are offended by that, it's their choice to be offended, and yours to continue to parent as you choose.

My youngest is 3, have the guidelines for weaning changed recently because it was 6 months before? Even though some foods have 4months plus on them I was told at the time that weaning shouldn't be started before 6 months and children's guts before that age are too immature to handle food. So you are potentially not following guidelines by weaning early anyway?
Like you I preferred to give my child homemade baby food in the beginning and only ever used pouches if we were out. I would smile politely and let it go and just appreciate that they are loving grandparents. I did this with my mil and would say, 'thanks for the advice mum but I want to do things my way'. That kind of shuts down the conversation. I was always respectful but clear that I would feed my children as I saw fit and they eat all kinds of food now and are thankfully not picky eaters like me.

Just be direct and actually say no, oh risks they're a blast from the past can't believe I are these as a baby, did you know each one has as much sugar as a Maryland chocolate chip cookie! (True) , the advice has changed so much now.
They are showing you what they were told to do when they had babies, if you just say thank you and smile why would they stop? Also you are weaning early so I can see they might think you're not too wedded to modern guidance. Remember their children are alive and well and everyone else is their generation did similar, so they have no reason to believe the advice they followed is poor, in exactly the same way you might have a daughter/ in law who thinks your ways are old hat. You just need to communicate.

My eldest is 50 and I can tell you that even in 1971 I was told by HV to avoid farleys as they were too sweet. Don't know if they have changed but I never used them.

@Cornetttttto

They shouldn't be calling in, that's against current covid guidelines.

As the baby is under a year old they can legally bubble with another household.