To think DPs parents are too involved

[Lindtlover2021]

NC

I'm getting a little fed up with DPs parents when it comes to our DD.

DD is 5 months old and I'm trying to wean her onto solids. I've been pureeing my own veg and a little bit of fruit here and there (not too much as I don't want her to get used to the sweet taste and reject veg).

She's doing well and loves her puree. However, DPs parents keep buying other types of food for her e.g Farleys Rusks and baby rice. I don't want to feed DD these foods, as I prefer homemade. When they buy us the Farleys etc. we say thank you and take it, but don't actually use it (I might have eaten one of two myself lol). They will then ask every time we see them if we've fed DD the food they bought, and we simply tell them we've been feeding her pureed food and hope for the topic to be dropped. Unfortunately though, they have a tendency to go on and on about things when it comes to DDs parenting e.g. when to start feeding baby solids (MIL fed DP baby rice at 3 weeks old), and she wanted us to feed DD baby rice before she was even 3 months, but we didn't! Their tendency to not drop certain topics makes me very uncomfortable as I'm not sure how to respond when they insist that their way is the right way.

Not only this, but every time I say something about DD e.g her teeth are bothering her today, MIL will disagree and say it's something completely different which I find upsetting, as she seems to assume I'm clueless and don't know my own daughter as well as she does.

I'm finding their attitude towards us as parents a little patronising, as they seem to assume we don't know what we're doing. Despite taking advice from professionals and other people who have young children. With the greatest of respect to them, a lot of the advice they've given us hasn't been great e.g telling us that a 4 month old shouldn't be sleeping for 6 hours as it's too long, or that Farleys Rusks are full of all the nutrients baby needs etc, or that a baby who is a few weeks old needs to be fed water.

AIBU to think that they need to back off a little and let us be the parents? I don't mind being offered advice as long as they say it once and drop it, rather than hound us about it.

It will get worse They will undermine you more obviously once baby is a toddler Nip it now even if it is uncomfortable or get dp to tell them to back off

I agree with @ancientgran. Had my ds in the 80's and never bought rusks.
We did wean earlier as recommended but very bland veg and some fruit.

I can’t believe the irony of some of these responses. The op has said she wants to wean her own way and asked for advice on how to shut down comments against that. Yet people on here are criticising her for not following the guidance on weaning at 6 mths!

Op my advice is put the in laws on an information diet. They can’t criticise what they don’t know. Answer any questions with a smile, fine thanks, then change the subject or leave the room.

Point out the amount of sugar in the rusks, and say that at 5 months baby rice isn,t needed. Thankyou for your help but weening advice has changed since you were both young.

This could have been written by me about my MIL! She had 3 sons and was feeding them baby rice at 3 weeks (so she says!) And tried to convince DH that our daughter needed solids too at 3 weeks due to her crying lots in the evening! Turned out she really struggled with her wind but shes still the same now trying to suggest and advise that she should be weaning now. Shes 13 weeks and managing fine with her milk still and im in no rush! We just nod and gloss over the subject and tell her shes happy as she is! As others have sai she sounds like shes undermining you, just carry on and take zero notice of her

@SnailortheWhale

And you let them in your house?! I’m assuming conversations like you describe aren’t happening within a distanced doorstep hello. Sorry if that’s not the case but if it is then I could just cry. I don’t like every thread becoming about COVID but seriously, when are people going to take this seriously? Have you seen the current death figures? If you want to see less of your in laws then I’d suggest taking some responsibility and locking down is one way of solving this

They're allowed a support bubble, they have a child under 1. I don't see anything in the OP to suggest that rules are being broken here.

@SnowFields

Ironically, rusks are fortified and puréed fruit is full of sugar, so if you are going to wean your child earlier than the recommended age it’s difficult to tell your MIL guidance has changed and you are following it.

Honestly, wait until your child is six months old and skip the purée stage altogether. It’s not needed.

Rusks are full of sugar too, more than a chocolate digestive!

First rule of being a new parent:
Get ready for ADVICE - you will be given it constantly. (Prep for it should be in all the pre-baby classes!)

My advice is: take it gracefully BUT remember the idea (Oscar Wilde's?) that advice is wonderful ...only for passing on to others.

Be firm OP. They are far, far too involved. It's fine to be enthusiastic and offer advice but take the hint if it is roundly refused. I would just keep telling you in-laws that that's not what they currently advise, and that their advice is outdated. If they persist in sulking about you not taking their advice then tell them you are raising a child in 2021, not the (insert relevant decade when you partner was a child here).

Your DP should really be saying "Thanks but we're doing it our way." It's not your problem.

WHO regs have often been misinterpreted with regards to weaning, the 6 months rule was devised to protect infants in the developing world from gastroenteritis and encourage breastfeeding, the advice for babies in developed countries since 2003 has been that its safe to introduce complementary feeding between 4 and 6 months, definitely not before 4 months and don't leave it much longer than 6 months (due to risk of anaemia etc). It should be a descision made on an individual basis depending on the needs and circumstances of the child (but not based on pressure from out of date rusk pushing Grannies!) The most up to date scientific research actually advises introducing the foods most commonly viewed as potential allergens close to the beginning of weaning as leaving too long can lead to more allergies (something to do with a window in the immune system development).
Heres a link if anyone is interested child-nutrition.co.uk/evidence-base-for-hcps-complementary-feeding

Fucking hell I knew the weaning police would be out! Leave the poor woman to wean her child however she bloody well pleases! Babies guts don’t just magically mature to the right stage as soon as they hit 6 months. I think the OP cares more about her DDs health than internet strangers do.

Agree that your DP should be setting some boundaries with his parents. Who cares if they sulk for a bit!

Fruit has natural sugars so a little bit each day is fine for a baby. MILs don’t always know best. My MIL certainly didn’t have a clue and had the most (what I considered) silly/unsuitable ideas. She actually gave my 5 mth old nephew at his christening a sip of alchohol! PP have given great info. Your baby, your rules. Let her sulk like a child. If you are in the UK lockdown means you won’t be able to see her for a while so you will be left in peace

@SnailortheWhale

And you let them in your house?! I’m assuming conversations like you describe aren’t happening within a distanced doorstep hello. Sorry if that’s not the case but if it is then I could just cry. I don’t like every thread becoming about COVID but seriously, when are people going to take this seriously? Have you seen the current death figures? If you want to see less of your in laws then I’d suggest taking some responsibility and locking down is one way of solving this

Have your cry, then read the guidelines for bubbles concerning families who have children under 1. If you’re going to preach at least know the rules.

Bubbles are for those with single adult alone (with disabled child under 5 or baby under 2) so 2 grandparents are NOT allowed in the house with 2 other adults

They are being patronising and to involved. Baby rice at 3 weeks is nuts! You're right not to listen. Can you use the covid lockdown as an excuse to see them less? If not you will need to be more firm and DP needs to get on board with telling them advice has changed these days and you're doing it your own way. As MIL is prone to sulking I think you will need to ask DP to have a word with them and get them to back off a bit, have you discussed this with him?

@ancientgran

My eldest is 50 and I can tell you that even in 1971 I was told by HV to avoid farleys as they were too sweet. Don't know if they have changed but I never used them.

It was the same in 1975. The first food apart from milk mine had was mashed banana - and in retrospect that wasn’t great.

@pinkstripeycat that’s not true - you can bubble with a household of any size if you’re own household contains an under 1. The single parent bubble is different.

From gov website

@pinkstripeycat

Bubbles are for those with single adult alone (with disabled child under 5 or baby under 2) so 2 grandparents are NOT allowed in the house with 2 other adults

Incorrect.

You can form a support bubble with another household of any size if:

-you live by yourself – even if carers visit you to provide support
-you are the only adult in your household who does not need continuous care as a result of a disability
-your household includes a child who is under the age of one or was under that age on 2 December 2020

@pinkstripeycat

Bubbles are for those with single adult alone (with disabled child under 5 or baby under 2) so 2 grandparents are NOT allowed in the house with 2 other adults

Yes, they are. Households with a baby under one are allowed to bubble. Read the guidance again - properly this time.

This is my life!!!!

I swear, your in laws sound just like mine!! My MIL will messaging saying 'I was going to come round' I'll reply saying I'm busy, and then she'll message DP saying she's coming just cause she misses grandchild, armed with dummies and keeps commenting on how I should leave my child at theirs now🙄 I literally live round the corner to them too! Although DP is on his mums side🙄🙄

If you find a solution please let me know!!

I pray for you OP💐💐

you don't need to say anything to her remarks about this or that concerning baby

but you could ask her why she thinks that

you oh teeth are nothing him today

MIL oh no its X Y Z

you oh why do you think that?

you im feeding baby fruit puree

MIL you need to give rusks and XY

you is that what you did in your day?

mil yes and it didn't do little jimmy any harm

you no it didn't, but health visitors, doctors now have other ideas. Did you used to listen to their advice or did you go against?

@ivykaty44

you don't need to say anything to her remarks about this or that concerning baby

but you could ask her why she thinks that

you oh teeth are nothing him today

MIL oh no its X Y Z

you oh why do you think that?

you im feeding baby fruit puree

MIL you need to give rusks and XY

you is that what you did in your day?

mil yes and it didn't do little jimmy any harm

you no it didn't, but health visitors, doctors now have other ideas. Did you used to listen to their advice or did you go against?

DPs father literally told me not to read what they write in the NHS websites, as it's all nonsense 😂😂

[quote MindatWork]@pinkstripeycat that’s not true - you can bubble with a household of any size if you’re own household contains an under 1. The single parent bubble is different.[/quote]
But you are not obliged to form a 'support bubble' if it means you're not getting support! You should only form one when absolutely necessary.