To think DPs parents are too involved

[Lindtlover2021]

NC

I'm getting a little fed up with DPs parents when it comes to our DD.

DD is 5 months old and I'm trying to wean her onto solids. I've been pureeing my own veg and a little bit of fruit here and there (not too much as I don't want her to get used to the sweet taste and reject veg).

She's doing well and loves her puree. However, DPs parents keep buying other types of food for her e.g Farleys Rusks and baby rice. I don't want to feed DD these foods, as I prefer homemade. When they buy us the Farleys etc. we say thank you and take it, but don't actually use it (I might have eaten one of two myself lol). They will then ask every time we see them if we've fed DD the food they bought, and we simply tell them we've been feeding her pureed food and hope for the topic to be dropped. Unfortunately though, they have a tendency to go on and on about things when it comes to DDs parenting e.g. when to start feeding baby solids (MIL fed DP baby rice at 3 weeks old), and she wanted us to feed DD baby rice before she was even 3 months, but we didn't! Their tendency to not drop certain topics makes me very uncomfortable as I'm not sure how to respond when they insist that their way is the right way.

Not only this, but every time I say something about DD e.g her teeth are bothering her today, MIL will disagree and say it's something completely different which I find upsetting, as she seems to assume I'm clueless and don't know my own daughter as well as she does.

I'm finding their attitude towards us as parents a little patronising, as they seem to assume we don't know what we're doing. Despite taking advice from professionals and other people who have young children. With the greatest of respect to them, a lot of the advice they've given us hasn't been great e.g telling us that a 4 month old shouldn't be sleeping for 6 hours as it's too long, or that Farleys Rusks are full of all the nutrients baby needs etc, or that a baby who is a few weeks old needs to be fed water.

AIBU to think that they need to back off a little and let us be the parents? I don't mind being offered advice as long as they say it once and drop it, rather than hound us about it.

@MotherHaryy

This is my life!!!!

I swear, your in laws sound just like mine!! My MIL will messaging saying 'I was going to come round' I'll reply saying I'm busy, and then she'll message DP saying she's coming just cause she misses grandchild, armed with dummies and keeps commenting on how I should leave my child at theirs now🙄 I literally live round the corner to them too! Although DP is on his mums side🙄🙄

If you find a solution please let me know!!

I pray for you OP💐💐

You poor thing, it's so hard! I feel like I'm in constant competition with them.

I'm now craving farleys rusks.

@Angeldust2810

I can’t believe the irony of some of these responses. The op has said she wants to wean her own way and asked for advice on how to shut down comments against that. Yet people on here are criticising her for not following the guidance on weaning at 6 mths!

Op my advice is put the in laws on an information diet. They can’t criticise what they don’t know. Answer any questions with a smile, fine thanks, then change the subject or leave the room.

Thank you

@KRW95

This could have been written by me about my MIL! She had 3 sons and was feeding them baby rice at 3 weeks (so she says!) And tried to convince DH that our daughter needed solids too at 3 weeks due to her crying lots in the evening! Turned out she really struggled with her wind but shes still the same now trying to suggest and advise that she should be weaning now. Shes 13 weeks and managing fine with her milk still and im in no rush! We just nod and gloss over the subject and tell her shes happy as she is! As others have sai she sounds like shes undermining you, just carry on and take zero notice of her

Awww it's a nightmare, isn't it?? 😔 thank you for your advice!

[quote Wbeezer]WHO regs have often been misinterpreted with regards to weaning, the 6 months rule was devised to protect infants in the developing world from gastroenteritis and encourage breastfeeding, the advice for babies in developed countries since 2003 has been that its safe to introduce complementary feeding between 4 and 6 months, definitely not before 4 months and don't leave it much longer than 6 months (due to risk of anaemia etc). It should be a descision made on an individual basis depending on the needs and circumstances of the child (but not based on pressure from out of date rusk pushing Grannies!) The most up to date scientific research actually advises introducing the foods most commonly viewed as potential allergens close to the beginning of weaning as leaving too long can lead to more allergies (something to do with a window in the immune system development).
Heres a link if anyone is interested child-nutrition.co.uk/evidence-base-for-hcps-complementary-feeding[/quote]
Thank you for this!

Farley's Rusks are delicious!

Send them to me - I'll eat them.

@billy1966

So your MIL sulks if she can't do things the way she wants with YOUR child.

Ffs ...step back.

This is only going to get much worse as your child grows.

Let her get upset.

You need to put those big girl pance on and be clear to your partner.

You will not be dismissed or undermined.

If his mother has a tantrum....so be it.

You will never win with her.

The best you can hope for is that she will know you mean business and will back off.

But it's unlikely you could actually fully trust her.

What is it with some Grandparents that they have this huge need to undermine new mothers and think they have some right to impose their views on how their grandchildren should be parented.

IMO they are batshit freaks.🙄

This. 100% this!

Stop putting up with this. LET HER SULK. Let her kick off, that’s her issue.

“So Mil, I have asked you politely to not force your parenting ideas onto us, and you’re creating merry hell? Ok. But that isn’t going to change my position on this.”

You need to be blunt to the point of rudeness. They are being rude by ignoring your wishes.

So you told her and she sucked in the kitchen - this is a result, just keep telling her and keep ignoring the sulking, let her off. The worst thing you can do is stop telling her because she sucked, this is exactly what she was banking on by sulking in the first place, so just keep on telling her and keep ignoring her reaction

@MotherHaryy

This is my life!!!!

I swear, your in laws sound just like mine!! My MIL will messaging saying 'I was going to come round' I'll reply saying I'm busy, and then she'll message DP saying she's coming just cause she misses grandchild, armed with dummies and keeps commenting on how I should leave my child at theirs now🙄 I literally live round the corner to them too! Although DP is on his mums side🙄🙄

If you find a solution please let me know!!

I pray for you OP💐💐

If you find a solution please let me know!!

The solution is unbelievably simple. Put your foot down now, because if you don't, it will get worse. Give it straight to your MIL that if she shows up, you won't open the door. If DP lets her in, you're going for a walk with DC, well away from her. Give DP an ultimatum, he sides with you the mother of his child or he gets to fuck.

It's really that simple. I truly despair sometimes on here. I don't understand why women in 2021 are incapable of telling their MIL and telling their DP how it's going to be. I feel like we're in the 1940s still.

Yes, stop worrying about her sulking.

You need to repeat the message that you have chosen to feed her as you have. ..l.and about anything else where they think you should do something different to you are.

Just say it firmly and repeat it. You can also say that you'd appreciate it if she lets you as parents get on and make the decisions.

If she sulks or is offended, well so be it.

You either need to say this firmly now or accept it will be ongoing and result in a big flare up some where along the line.

If you are going to leave DD wi them at some point and worry they won't adhere to your wishes (without being so ridiculously prescriptive its daft) - you will need to be really clear that you want them to follow what you say. If they don't, I would go back to them and say you take that very seriously and feel strongly about whatever it is and if it happens again that they can't do what you've asked, you simply won't be able to leave her with them.

Most families have a bit of these issues with grandparents wanting to do things differently and often it doesn't really matter and everyone can just rub along. In extreme cases, grandparents really won't respect who the parent is or their choices and after a point, if it's over a serious issue, just can't do the caring anymore. Most cases don't get to this point though and most people can find a way through, although there can be some tension along the way.

Farleys in hot milk - yum! Could you say with a smile 'oh things have changed a bit since DH was young so now they say it's best to stick to fruit and veg at this age'. Mind you they sound like the sort who think they know better than any professional x

You say 'we' put them straight etc but is it actually your DH saying it to them? He needs to tell them every time, you just leave the room or find something extremely interesting to watch on the TV. Then you won't feel upset when she goes off sulking.

Sulking is a bit off , but have a bit of sympathy. Yes things have moved on but if they saw no harm coming to their children it’s hard to understand some times . It’s not about the specific items it’s about you kindly letting them know you want to do it your way.

My mum was prem and apparently fed on carnation milk when she was a baby . She is now 87 and fine .

My kids loved farleys and baby rice ( although I remember reduced sugar ones? ) and yes I used to pinch them as well .

Yep too involved stop telling them everything about your baby then they can't have an opinion. 're the food you need to be blunt and tell them, however if they are like my mum they won't listen!

I thought the sugar was mostly taken out of rusks ?
Your baby so upto you but it was different even not that long ago my eldest is 17 and we weaned 3/4 months and I gave him baby rice sooner , but I am aware the advice has changes on lots like even how to make bottles up, so would listen to a new parent and what they have been told wether I agree with that or not , and OP isn't going with all guidelines either if its 6 months and baby led weaning nowadays although that freaks me out and if I had one now I would probably do
Same as I did with my previous ones

Sounds really annoying!

Can't you just tell them to back off? Sounds like (in the nicest way) you need to try being a bit more assertive. They've had their kids and done what they wanted to do with them. It's your turn now and whilst I'm sure you welcome their involvement, decisions around food for your child are really nothing to do with them.

Op, why isn't Mil backing off to keep the peace?

Is peace important to her?
Why are you having to put up with this to keep the peace?
I think you need to discuss this with your dh and ask him to be firmer the next time she says something, prepare for sulks and ignore them.

'mum, things have changed so much since we were little, I really like the your tips but obviously some will be outdated. We are up to date on current food guidelines, push savoury, don't feed endless rusks, sweet stuff, you damage their systems if yiu wean too early, can trigger a range of problems, so thanks for tips but when it comes to food, can you either read up on current advice or drop it ''

My kids loved farleys and baby rice ( although I remember reduced sugar ones? ) and yes I used to pinch them as well

@Unsure33

I did a double take for a split second as 'pinched' isn't a real common slang term for 'stole' where I live. 😆😆😆😆

@chloworm well yes the OP obviously isn’t getting a lot of ‘support’ in this case but that’s not the point.

I’m tired of seeing people on here telling others what they can or can’t do when they’ve not read the guidelines properly.

@Cokie3

It's very much easier said than done. You might be a strong women who cannot be pushed around but I certainly am not.

I do my best to actively ignore and avoid but some how, despite my best efforts (which I will add are my very very very best as I do right by my daughter) I still get walked all over,.. every-time. MIL lives on my door step, I see her when I nip to Asda or am taking my exercise, and I don't want to hurt DP either .... So it seems the solution isn't as simple..

I find it quite judgemental how some of you think us mums are just over here with heads in the clouds ignoring the issues we're having...

OP why are you answering the door to them? Tell them you are following the guidance/law and they cannot come round.

Is this a DP problem? Will he back you if you try to put some normal boundaries in place?

Tell them the bare minimum. You don't have to see then due to covid.

If all else fails you will have to move Far Far Away.

@WankPuffins

I'm now craving farleys rusks.

Me too!

[quote MotherHaryy]@Cokie3

It's very much easier said than done. You might be a strong women who cannot be pushed around but I certainly am not.

I do my best to actively ignore and avoid but some how, despite my best efforts (which I will add are my very very very best as I do right by my daughter) I still get walked all over,.. every-time. MIL lives on my door step, I see her when I nip to Asda or am taking my exercise, and I don't want to hurt DP either .... So it seems the solution isn't as simple..

I find it quite judgemental how some of you think us mums are just over here with heads in the clouds ignoring the issues we're having... [/quote]
I understand not being very strong, and I don't doubt you are fully aware of the issues, it's just the acceptance and resignation. As if you, and your daughter don't deserve more. You do deserve so much more, as the OP does. So you are saying the only solution is you being harassed by your MIL, having little to no say in your own homelife, while your DP and MIL get it all their way and DP certainly isn't concerned about hurting you or your comfort, is he? So why are you so concerned about him when he doesn't give a - about you? So your solution is to let them make you miserable, stressed out, while your DP and MIL win and you and your DC lose out. That is the solution you are settling for. I'd rather be on my own, it would be more peaceful, just saying. Life is too short to live a life of stress and misery for some man that doesn't give a flying f about you or your needs. Actually, a root canal without anaesthetic such much more appealing and stress-free, and what's more, you get more from it. Bargain.

What would you say if a man and his mother was treating your future grown daughter like this, and you could see she was stressed and miserable? What would your advice be to her? To just throw in the towel and stay with her 'D'P who doesn't care about her needs and who lets his mother torment her? Or to put herself and your granddaughter first and get out, forge a life and be happy? What would your advice be to her? Just think about it. For me, it would be Leslie Gore's You Don't Own Me, I am Woman, Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves, etc with a good dose of get out and live your happiest and best life, if not for yourself, do it for my Granddaughter. And never reward anyone for making you second or third place where your happiness doesn't matter a damn.

Sometimes us women don't know how strong we are until we have to be. Women truly, a truly tough species that go through hell, physically and otherwise. We are tough and strong, men could not cope with 25% of what we and our bodies go through. We are tough and strong, and sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that.