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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DPs parents are too involved

109 replies

Lindtlover2021 · 10/01/2021 12:05

NC

I'm getting a little fed up with DPs parents when it comes to our DD.

DD is 5 months old and I'm trying to wean her onto solids. I've been pureeing my own veg and a little bit of fruit here and there (not too much as I don't want her to get used to the sweet taste and reject veg).

She's doing well and loves her puree. However, DPs parents keep buying other types of food for her e.g Farleys Rusks and baby rice. I don't want to feed DD these foods, as I prefer homemade. When they buy us the Farleys etc. we say thank you and take it, but don't actually use it (I might have eaten one of two myself lol). They will then ask every time we see them if we've fed DD the food they bought, and we simply tell them we've been feeding her pureed food and hope for the topic to be dropped. Unfortunately though, they have a tendency to go on and on about things when it comes to DDs parenting e.g. when to start feeding baby solids (MIL fed DP baby rice at 3 weeks old), and she wanted us to feed DD baby rice before she was even 3 months, but we didn't! Their tendency to not drop certain topics makes me very uncomfortable as I'm not sure how to respond when they insist that their way is the right way.

Not only this, but every time I say something about DD e.g her teeth are bothering her today, MIL will disagree and say it's something completely different which I find upsetting, as she seems to assume I'm clueless and don't know my own daughter as well as she does.

I'm finding their attitude towards us as parents a little patronising, as they seem to assume we don't know what we're doing. Despite taking advice from professionals and other people who have young children. With the greatest of respect to them, a lot of the advice they've given us hasn't been great e.g telling us that a 4 month old shouldn't be sleeping for 6 hours as it's too long, or that Farleys Rusks are full of all the nutrients baby needs etc, or that a baby who is a few weeks old needs to be fed water.

AIBU to think that they need to back off a little and let us be the parents? I don't mind being offered advice as long as they say it once and drop it, rather than hound us about it.

OP posts:
Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 15:36

That should be women *are truly a tough

Littlewhitedove2 · 10/01/2021 15:36

Why is it that many of the older generation seem to think that what they did with their kids should be applied in 2020? Time and time again, I have heard this story - mum, MIL etc said they did x so thinks we should do x.
Never mind the fact that there has been many studies since then and advice has totally changed. They don’t want to listen.
My DF said that I should let me baby sleep on her tummy from birth. He put me on my tummy and I survived! I replied, yes but plenty of other babies didn’t survive which is why the advice has changed!
You need to stand up to her I’m afraid. You don’t have to be rude but tell it in black and white. When. She asks, did you give the baby rusks for example, you say, no we decided not to as I am only giving fruit and veg. She says ‘ww gave them to our babies and they loved them’ you say ‘oh right, well I’m happy with what I am giving my baby at the moment’
Don’t be intimidated.

Cherrysoup · 10/01/2021 15:39

We don't live with them, but they're round the corner from us and they don't like to leave it too long without seeing DD so they tend to call in.

Are you not in the U.K.?

MintyMabel · 10/01/2021 15:39

Don't lie and say she didn't like them, tell her you'd rather not use them.

If you can't stand up to them for your baby, when will you? Letting an adult have their way because you don't want a falling out is ridiculous. Advocate for your child, nobody else will.

MintyMabel · 10/01/2021 15:40

And, there is nothing wrong with giving a baby puréed fruit as well as veg.

Livelovebehappy · 10/01/2021 15:42

All you need to do is assert yourself. No need for low contact or confrontation if you do it right. People will continue to force their opinions on you in every area of your life, unless you are assertive and say that you are doing things the way you’ve chosen to do it. They will eventually back off when they realise their advice is falling on deaf ears.

ktp100 · 10/01/2021 15:47

YOU need to back off. There is absolutely no need to discuss these things with them and your DH needs to be the one to tell them to back off.

If they have a paddy that's their problem!

A lot of what they're advising is terrible advice and absolutely goes against what modern professionals advise.. Again, it's DH's job to make sure they know that & ensure them you have everything in hand. It sounds like they also need to be reminded that you are the parents and your decisions are final.

Time to pull the big girl pants up, OP!

ktp100 · 10/01/2021 15:50

Sorry, I meant you need to back off as in back away from them and stop speaking/seeing them as much, then your DH needs to tell them to stop.

yogamatted · 10/01/2021 15:50

They should back off but you're not following current weaning guidelines either so ...

00100001 · 10/01/2021 15:52

@Littlewhitedove2

Why is it that many of the older generation seem to think that what they did with their kids should be applied in 2020? Time and time again, I have heard this story - mum, MIL etc said they did x so thinks we should do x. Never mind the fact that there has been many studies since then and advice has totally changed. They don’t want to listen. My DF said that I should let me baby sleep on her tummy from birth. He put me on my tummy and I survived! I replied, yes but plenty of other babies didn’t survive which is why the advice has changed! You need to stand up to her I’m afraid. You don’t have to be rude but tell it in black and white. When. She asks, did you give the baby rusks for example, you say, no we decided not to as I am only giving fruit and veg. She says ‘ww gave them to our babies and they loved them’ you say ‘oh right, well I’m happy with what I am giving my baby at the moment’ Don’t be intimidated.
It's because of "anecdata". It's a case of " well, I gave my baby a mars bar at 4 days old and they're here to tell the story".

But if you push back and go ' well, shall I not bother strapping baby into car seat then, as I drive to Tesco every Wednesday and have never even braked sharply". My data says baby doesn't need a car seat.

Why not let's all smoke whilst pregnant,after all, my mum did and I'm fine!

Edgeoftheledge · 10/01/2021 15:57

Are you very young? Yes they need to-back off.

1forAll74 · 10/01/2021 16:05

You say that you don't wish to upset your Mil ,as she goes off sulking if you don't follow her fantastic and wise advice regarding baby feeding. I think that you need to realise, that hundreds of Mothers and Mil's are like this,(interfering) and you either ignore their ways, or ask them to stop, and that you are capable of feeding,and looking after your baby in your own ways. This has to be done sometimes, or else you will spend a lot of time being annoyed, and resentful, when you should be enjoying your baby times.

peaceanddove · 10/01/2021 16:06

I believe this situation comes about when grandparents simply don't have enough to occupy them in their own lives - so they try to hitch a ride on your life, and the grand children become their hobby.

My Mum behaved like this with me when my DCs were born. She came over far too much and, looking back, I told her far too much. Nothing I ever did was quite right and she undermined me in a 100 tiny ways. I don't think she consciously knew the damage she was doing. All she knew was that her behaviour made her feel better. In control. Capable. Useful.

Any of my attempts to curb her behaviour was met with sulks because she didn't want to stop feeling good. I honestly don't think she ever thought any further than that.

IseeIsee · 10/01/2021 16:17

You have to either ignore or stand up for yourself. My MIL was very overbearing ( would put DS on tummy any chance she got, insisted on wrapping him up to starve a fever) I can't leave her alone with him. If it is minor talking without doing physical stuff, I think ignore might be better. Don't do what she says though, she will think you follow her instruction and will get worse.

Lilyargin · 10/01/2021 16:22

Why shouldn’t babies sleep for more than 6 hours?

SnailortheWhale · 10/01/2021 16:30

@mioz Just because you legally can doesn’t mean you should if you don’t need to. A support bubble is for just that-support. Clearly the OP isn’t getting any support from these people and isn’t benefitting in any way mentally or emotionally from them dropping in, which is the purpose of a support bubble for parents of a young baby. If everyone used common sense and did what they could then we wouldn’t be in this shit show. If you don’t want to listen to me ‘preaching’ then perhaps you could read some of the social media feeds of frontline NHS staff literally begging people to take some responsibility and realise the seriousness of the situation we’re in.

mioz · 10/01/2021 16:39

[quote SnailortheWhale]@mioz Just because you legally can doesn’t mean you should if you don’t need to. A support bubble is for just that-support. Clearly the OP isn’t getting any support from these people and isn’t benefitting in any way mentally or emotionally from them dropping in, which is the purpose of a support bubble for parents of a young baby. If everyone used common sense and did what they could then we wouldn’t be in this shit show. If you don’t want to listen to me ‘preaching’ then perhaps you could read some of the social media feeds of frontline NHS staff literally begging people to take some responsibility and realise the seriousness of the situation we’re in.[/quote]
I agree with you. If the OP isn’t using her in laws for support then maybe she should have bubbled with another household who will support her or not bubbled with anyone. That said, my previous post was aimed at you not being familiar with the rules and posting false information. What the OP and her in laws are doing is completely within the guidelines whether we agree with it or not. Anyway enough with derailing the thread.

SnailortheWhale · 10/01/2021 17:51

@mioz Fair enough I just get frustrated at peoples’ lack of critical thinking and sense of personal responsibility when it comes to this stuff. Finding loopholes to mean that something is ‘allowed’ (and yes, I consider it a loophole to label someone your support bubble when they clearly provide no support and in fact do the opposite) while completely ignoring the fact that it might still be a bad idea and irresponsible. There will always be a dividing line about what’s ‘allowed’ but the bottom line is we should all be locking down to the greatest extent possible and some people seem unable to accept that and just grasp for reasons why, on paper, they’re not breaking ‘the rules’ while still taking totally unnecessary risks. Anyway the OP clearly doesn’t care and I agree it’s derailing the thread so I’ll leave it there.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/01/2021 17:57

Speak to Dp. Agree plan. See much less of them (easy if you are in uk due to covid) if the suggest x or give y say no thank you we won’t do that/don’t need that. Why? Following current guidance. Don’t be pushed into giving baby things you don’t want to. Sort it now or it will carry on.

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/01/2021 19:42

Start asserting yourself now. Otherwise it will get worse and worse. You need to be blunt enough that they listen. For some people, saying "they advise against rusks nowadays" said once, conversationally, will be more than enough to get the point across. For others, you will need to say each and every time they try to feed your 6 month old a whole bag of haribo "she can't have those, they are unhealthy and she is too young for sweets anyway" in a firm voice whilst removing the sweets. I have found that suggesting alternatives works quite well - one of them now brings grapes instead. Still won't wash them before feeding to the baby unless made to though.

As time goes on I feel less bad about intervening in various situations, it tends to be that some people can be trusted and others cannot. Those who can't, basically don't care about the child they just want themselves to feel good and their behaviour is all about being the favourite grandparent or demonstrating that they are better at parenting than the actual parents. The ones I trust are interested in what is actually best for the child. May not always agree with me, but it comes from a good place.

BlueJag · 10/01/2021 19:59

Here in England they used to recommend weaning at 6 months. I found a book the contented little baby by Gina Ford. She has a great plan that I followed religiously. Normally 3 days of the same pure say carrot. Nothing else. No mixing not introducing new foods on the same day.
Our son is 15 now and eats like a king. It was a great foundation for healthy habits. He eats anything and everything.
Maybe you can say to your mil that you are following a plan and you'll like to wait a little longer to give him rice etc.
If anything doesn't suits them you'll know exactly what upsets their stomach if they only eat carrot pure for 3 days. Great food plan.

sbhydrogen · 10/01/2021 20:09

"Thanks for the rusks. We're only feeding her puréed fruits and veg for now, so we'll save them for further down the line."

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2021 20:50

DPs father literally told me not to read what they write in the NHS websites, as it's all nonsense 😂😂

And that’s why you use the broken record, over and over and over again

You ask

Oh why do you think that?

Oh what makes you say that?

Oh so tell me more about your reasoning for that?

Give it back to them over and over and over again, because they have no idea why they think like that so keep pushing for an answer

You know like the petulant child that keep saying why? But you say it politely with an inquiring smile...

Heatherjayne1972 · 10/01/2021 21:03

It’s something you’ll need to keep an eye on going forward tho op - I’d wonder if they were trustworthy left alone with your child

I well remember the day I got in from work at 7pm to find my dad happily feeding skittles to my 2 year old because ‘she likes them’

Completely oblivious to the fact that they’re small round hard chokeable sweets full
Of sugar and colours guaranteed to keep her bouncing off the walls for hours
I made my feeling clear

He didn’t do it again !

screamingchild · 10/01/2021 21:31

I experienced similar with my MIL, particularly the weaning part. My youngest is now 5 and it's taken this long to finally get the PIL to realise that my children are not allowed pudding, plus chocolate, plus afternoon cake and an ice-cream in ONE day!

They were constantly trying to force sugar on my children in ridiculous levels, saying it was a treat and never did their kids any harm. (Yes it did by the way).
You have to put your foot down NOW.

Explain that baby rice and rusks are full of sugar and do not contain any nutritional value. If you do not start to express your views now, you will finder it harder and harder as your child gets older.

Finally my MIL now seems to respect my choices for my children. We've had to be strong though and stand by our values.

We still have celebration days (pre covid) when my kids will be offered yet another 'treat' or a fruit shoot, and amazingly my children will say no thank you because they've already had cake earlier or whatever, and they know sugary drinks are bad for them - result!