To want a baby at 42

[Flo0109]

Hi everyone,
My DH and I already have two DS’s 18 & 15 and I cannot stop thinking about having a third child. DH worries that he is too old at 47 and we really can see age as being the only thing that is making us hesitate. Is there anyone here who has a DH around this age and how did it work out and am I too old at 42?
TIA

I don't think you're too old...I do think you're mad though

There was a long thread looking at this last week. Some people were very offensive. I had both my kids in my 40s 🤷‍♀️ easily conceived and no problems. Apparently I am selfish and an old crone though 😆.

I wasn’t particularly exhausted during the baby years either.

You're not too old, but wow with that age gap why would you want to start again? Or is it because your children are now almost young adults and independent that you feel a need to be needed again by a young child?

Not too old, but your children are almost adults. Why would you want to go back to sleepless nights, baby groups, school years, teenage drama and so on all over again?

You’re not too old bit think it would be a rather unusual decision given the ages of your existing children. For most women who choose to have a baby at that age, it is either their first or they have an older child who is still a toddler. Alternatively, they are in a new relationship like my friend who had her second when her first was 21!

@Flo0109

Oh hell no. I wouldn't be doing it. 42! (And you will be 43 or even 44 when the baby is born!) And you have 2 kids already that are virtually grown?! Nooooooooo! Don't do it.

Snap out of it, it's just phase.

Whilst you feel like a young and sprightly 42 right now, you will be knocking the door of SIXTY, with a TEENAGER, (who won't even be out of school.)

Many women get broody when they're nearing the end of their 'fertile years,' but don't do it.

You did ask.

How old will you be when they turn 10? 18? 30?

Personally I think your DH is a bit too old tbh, also you have teens why would you want to start again?! (Obviously your life your choice)

You’ll get a mixed bag of opinions on here. Everyone’s lives and experience have given them different views. You’ll have those who have had kids late and it’s been wonderful. Those who had older parents and hated it and those who have seen too many people become ill in their 50s and 60s to think having kids in their late 40s is a good idea.
But only you know your life, health and circumstances. So the only opinions that really matters is yours and your DHs.

I always wonder what people are trying to avoid having such a big age gap. You are moving onto another stage of your life, if I were you I would question why I wanted to go backward and not forward

That’s a vast age gap - you would basically have two different families.

(I also think your DH is a bit old - he would be 70 when your child was in their early twenties, and your child would most likely have to deal with the loss of a parent while still quite young).

My DH was couple of years older than yours and we are managing fine . Get tired quicker and crawling about the floor playing is more difficult.
The things I do worry about is that my dd is more likely to lose a parent when young and I worry about her being embarrassed when she gets to teenage years. At moment though we are just going with the flow and loving it

I think if it is a second or third the it is just about ok as they will have siblings when you are potentially ill,elderly,sorry ...dead. If it is a first and only then yabu....

I don't think you are too old but I do think it's a bit bonkers to want to start a second family with such a gap. I think a lot of people have a desperation for another baby as the peri-menopause etc, starts to come around, also just a mid-lifey thing. Before you do somehting you might regret can you try and puzzle out what it's about / is this really want you want or do you just want a general life revamp?!

Maybe. My parents were 41 (mum) and 50 (dad) when they had me and my siblings were as old as your kids are now. My parents were both dead by the time I was 30 and before I got married or had kids and I had to deal with my dad’s Alzheimer’s in my 20s which was hard .

You are not too old, no - or at least you may not be, I conceived easily at 43, others don't.

But. Your DH clearly isn't keen. However it worked out with others is irrelevant to how your DH feels about it for himself. Getting going all over again is very different from starting out afresh for a late first baby.

I am not against older parents per se - if you are of childbearing age, great, go for it. Too much ageism and prejudice against older parents.

But having raised one brood almost to the edge of the nest, why are you wanting to start again? Have you wanted a 3rd ever since you had your youngest? What got in the way?

You could end up with 2 to support at Uni , plus childcare to pay for.

Thank you everyone. Yeah one of my concerns is that is is just peri-menopause and with all the craziness of COVID going on in the world right now, that maybe I am thinking I want it. Lots of soul searching to do for sure. I appreciate everyone’s responses.

I’m 40 with a 1 year old. She had 8 and 10 year old siblings. For us, we were waiting 6 years, I didn’t plan to have a baby at 39. I felt fine, recovered well, not more tired than I was at 30. BUT some older woman pregnancy stuff did happen: hyperemesis, varicose veins, low blood pressure, post partum haemorrhage. When you read you’re at risk of these things, but feel sprightly, you don’t think it can happen to you, but it can. There’s no way I’d go again now, because of these things alone (also don’t want 4).
I am so much older than any other local Mums, it’s been isolating socially because women my age have moved on from this stage and new Mums and I don’t have much in common.
I don’t say this patronisingly but have you considered a dog? We got one after I was told we couldn’t have a third (she ended up being a huge surprise after trying for 6 years and failed IVF).
The dog really, really helped me. I know it’s not the same but it’s a new family member to love. If I find myself sad in a couple of years, I’ll spend time with the dog!

I'd think you are crackers. I'd worry about the relationship between your children too. The youngest wouldn't be likely to have a sibling type relationship with the other two. Also paying childcare and university costs would be so expensive. Appreciate these might not be costs you would have.

Hi op @Flo0109 I say go for it!

There are some threads in the conception topic about older mums ttc- join in!

I'm ttc number 2, dc1 is 3. I'm so so glad I waited til now to have children. I'm a much better mother than I would have been 5/ 10/ 15 years ago.

One of my friends had 2 children late teens, then reverted to Islam aged 40 & married again, now 45 she's got 2 toddlers as well (one was a bit of a surprise!). She also works almost full time.

@Designateddiver

I always wonder what people are trying to avoid having such a big age gap. You are moving onto another stage of your life, if I were you I would question why I wanted to go backward and not forward

This is exactly what I would be wondering. It would make sense if you had no children and want to be a mum. It would also make sense if you had a new partner and you wanted a child together. It makes absolutely no sense to start all over again when your current children are almost grown. I would be wondering why you're so worried of moving forward and getting back your freedom.

You’re not too old, but your DH might be.

It’s your hormones telling you you want this before menopause starts. I would genuinely ignore it- enjoy being still young with nearly grown up children!

I’d never want such a big age gap, or to start again with nappies and night feeds when I could be on the cusp of freedom again!

It's your choice to try, my uncle had a child at 50 and my aunt was a bit younger - they used a donor egg though because she had preexisting issues.

Don't think it would be crazy, but just be realistic about the chances!

@Flo0109 it’s up to you but honestly I think nature does this to women towards the end of fertile years. You have two older children (as do I) and starting again would be really hard work. If it was me (I’m 43) I’d get a puppy instead. Recognise lots of posters saying they had first babies at 40 etc but you’ve already done the hardest years. Good luck whatever you decide.