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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby at 42

108 replies

Flo0109 · 09/01/2021 20:35

Hi everyone,
My DH and I already have two DS’s 18 & 15 and I cannot stop thinking about having a third child. DH worries that he is too old at 47 and we really can see age as being the only thing that is making us hesitate. Is there anyone here who has a DH around this age and how did it work out and am I too old at 42?
TIA

OP posts:
peak2021 · 10/01/2021 08:07

Other than unplanned pregnancies, I have never known someone have a child at that age when other children are teenagers or older, with the same DH/DP.

confuseddotcom090 · 10/01/2021 08:34

What do your older children think? It would limit the time you have with them and activities you can do.

Depends how much time you spend with your older children I guess. But I do a lot with mine.

Ineedalargeone · 10/01/2021 08:42

That's a big gap. Do what is right for you and your family 👪

Ilikeviognier · 10/01/2021 09:05

It’s a no way from me. Mine are 6 and 4 and I’d be horrified to be pregnant again.

Also not wishing to be negative but many people don’t have a choice at that age anyway - it may not be possible or may take a long time if it is. There are also the much higher risks of disabilities, Down’s syndrome etc.

Roselilly36 · 10/01/2021 09:25

I don’t think either of you are too old OP.

But what I would say is you & DH are about the get your freedom back, do you really want to go back to morning sickness, sleepless nights, nappies. And start all over again? How would your DC, feel about a new baby sibling arriving?

I have always felt broody since having my DS’ who are now, 19 & nearly 18. So I totally get the desire to have another baby, but I am waiting & hoping for grandchildren in a few years time.

Good luck with whatever choice you make, wishing you all the best.

humhumit · 10/01/2021 17:17

Ok this sounds weird, but if you didn't have kids already I'd say not too old, if you had a younger child and wanted a sibling then not too old.Not too old for you, but it probably is for your DH. My DH is 47 and we have a 1 year old, and a 3 year old, but he worries he is too old. Personally I'd say a baby before 43 is my cut off.

FactyFrances · 10/01/2021 18:23

@Flo0109 Go for it! Yanbu. I'm in very similar position at 42 with 2 teen DCs and older DH. Started ttc 3rd last month. I think my teens would love another sibling & would just enjoy the cuddly, fun bits of having a baby/toddler around. Wouldn't demand they help but imagine they'd probably pitch in a bit when it suited them, as they do with the dog.

A lot of comments here are from people in the thick of busy years with primary-age kids. Perhaps they underestimate how much free time one has with teenagers. Mine have their own busy social lives. We eat together every night and occasionally go out together but they don't want tonnes of time with parents or to go on family holidays anymore.

Like you, I always wanted more DCs & DH only now feels career-wise & financially secure enough. I definitely have the energy to expend on another child (& that's with a dog and ft job). "Freedom" of life after children is overrated imho. It's not like I'd be off travelling or doing anything mega exotic every weekend in my 40s & 50s anyway. Work will keep us tethered to home/routine until 65 anyway. Why not make that home life as full as you can?!

Good luck! x

LuaDipa · 10/01/2021 18:28

I am similar age and constantly broody. We deliberately stopped at two for financial reasons but I always wanted more and now I know we could have afforded more I do wish we had taken the risk - easy to say with hindsight though!! The thing that puts me off was that I lost my own ddad when he was only 49 and I do worry, perhaps irrationally, about leaving my dc without a mother. Still broody though!

Chel098 · 10/01/2021 18:34

You have 2 children already. If you had a baby with additional needs would you cope?

I think I would try to be content with what I have!

rwalker · 10/01/2021 18:38

If it was your first go for it but with already having 2 no. My sister had 3rd later on 1st 2 they were mid 20's took them everywhere swimming in the sea, out on bikes ,sledging and play dates with similar aged families .
They were early and mid 40's with 3rd he's had none of that and they will be over sixty when he's 18 .At play group she was as old as a lot of the other parents mums and few times mistaken for his nan.

Stepintochristmas · 10/01/2021 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ReclaimingTheKaren · 10/01/2021 19:34

I'm a bit older than you, OP, and at 42 I wanted another too. Several late miscarriages later, and we've decided to stop trying, even though the OB and GP encouraged us to keep going. So from that I'd advise, be aware of the losses you may face, and be aware that it mightn't happen - not to be pessimistic, but to think through how much you and your relationship can manage.

Chel098 · 10/01/2021 20:04

@Stepintochristmas

Snap out of it OP. You already have 2 children which is more than enough (environmentally speaking).

Lots of people will tell you that 40s is not too old to have a baby and they did it, but most of these people don’t already have teenage children and many won’t have waited until they were in their 40s out of choice.

Good points.
Mycatwontstopstaring · 10/01/2021 20:34

You aren’t too old to look after a baby, but be aware that it’s very likely that you won’t be able to conceive naturally at 42. I know so many women (including me) who weren’t able to have the last baby they hoped for. My doctor said that in his experience about half of his patients past forty can’t conceive with their own eggs.

So my fear for you is you could be starting a journey that doesn’t end in a happy place. Only do it if you can go into it with a genuine mindset of “It’s nice if it happens but if it doesn’t never mind.”

glasgowLil · 10/01/2021 20:41

Personally I wouldn’t have another baby - remember hormones don’t help you think rationally. If you and your husband both feel you have more to give as parents you could look at fostering - you’d be able to make a real difference to a child. X

Emeeno1 · 10/01/2021 20:43

We currently have young adults and small children in the house. Never a dull moment and so full of the different stages of life! We are mid forties and it is no different from in our twenties, energy wise.

Sceptre86 · 10/01/2021 20:47

Could it just be that your kids are getting older, maybe leaving the nest soon and don't rely on you so much so you want to be needed? You are on the cusp of getting your own life back, being able to put yourself first and do what you want. I wouldn't throw that away if I had grown up children but then I never wanted such a large age gap. Have you ever talked about having a 3rd child before, why now?

Only you know if you are both too old. I had my kids at 29, 30 and at 34 am pregnant with the third. I will not be having anymore as the cutoff was 35 for me but it is so personal. Wishing you the best whatever you both decide!

Edgeoftheledge · 10/01/2021 20:49

Noooooo

tulippa · 10/01/2021 20:51

I am 42 and my DCs are 16 and 12. They get better with each year and are amazing. There is NOTHING that would convince me to go through the slog of childbirth and newborn years again. I would think you would absolutely mad to start over especially with covid. The world seems such an unstable place at the moment.

If you didn't already have children though it might be different.

pinkstripeycat · 10/01/2021 21:12

My dad was 42 when I was born and he was always an old dad but had young ideas. My mum was 20yrs younger than my dad. It makes a difference

PetraRabbit · 10/01/2021 21:57

I had mine at 42 and 44 and would happily have another, so you're not too old, but it seems odd to start again after so long. I'd think carefully about what your children would feel about it. Is it lockdown related? Life is so dull at the moment having a baby is about the only fun thing we are allowed to do! If holidays and social events were on the horizon would you feel differently?

Daphnise · 10/01/2021 22:21

It's a bad idea.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/01/2021 22:27

I dont think 42 is too old, but I do think 47 is too old. Even if you get pregnant in the next few months (which isn't a given) your dh would be 66 by the time the dc reached 18, so possibly pushing 70 while they are still needing to support them at uni.

Itawapuddytat · 10/01/2021 22:40

DSiL had her last baby at 42/43, it was a very difficult pregnancy, with a lot of complications with her health and the baby. She almost lost her baby at birth and the child needed a lot of medical interventions and treatments to fix the medical problems. He is fine now, a few years later, but it was very, very hard for him and for the family. Personally, I wouldn't choose to get pregnant at this age (I am older now and I had my last one in my late thirties), especially since I already have children. It is a risk I wouldn't be willing to take.

Bringonspring · 10/01/2021 22:47

This would be crazy, if feel for your current children, they still need your support and you would struggle to give it whilst you dealt with a baby.

Try and get to the root cause of WHY you feel like this, eg trying to find your role now your children are older, hormones are going crazy etc